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Great Expectations

A

alkazar29

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Hallo everyone on JUB :) Long story short I met this guy online but we never see each other in person until last week.I accidenttaly saw him at the gym and we arranged to see eachother over a cup of coffe.He's 7 years older than me but not really my type (I date much older guys than me usually 50+).When we went out for a coffe I thought this will be another quickie,we'll start talking beetween lines end up somewhere private for a round or two of sex and thats it.But instead of all of this he told me that I rush things,that I need to know the person for some time before I jump to bed with and that is probably the main reason that I lose interest about a guy after I sleep with him.He's probably right so we're talking and flirting for a whole week without anything sexual beside the fact we talked sex many times.So I'm really starting to like this guy which is a thing thats new for me but I'm willing to give whatever this is a chance.Here's the thing:He's bottom and he seems very expirienced.I'm top only and I have only one expirience in those waters.We're going to have sex sooner or later(probably later since he's playing hard to get) and I'm afraid I won't live up to his expectations.Any advice on how to make my performance better or my head cooler since I have never been i a situation like this where the guy is starting to get under my skin.
Thank you :)
 
This isn't a sex advice forum. Just emphasize foreplay, pay attention to his physical responses and you'll be fine.

I find it much more interesting that he "told" you how YOU should treat sex. People who proselytize to others how to behave sexually, who consider sex and dating the same thing and who place artificial starting points on when to be physical are generally not people you'll have much success with in the long term, unless you have the same prudish hang-ups and sex-shame.
 
I am not really sold on his conditions either. It would be a turn off for me for someone to tell me how things "need to be"... for me. I would have the opposite reaction ...causing me to lose interest in him. If he told me how things need to be..for him...then I would still lose interest...but I would drop the attitude.

Do YOU think rushing to bed is why you lose interest in a guy?...or do you think jumping in bed is about sex with no other expectations anyway? We know what he thinks...now it is your turn.

Being afraid of living up to HIS expectations is not good. What about him? Do you think HE is afraid of not living up to YOUR expectations? Maybe he should be!
 
alkazar29 said:
...We're going to have sex sooner or later(probably later since he's playing hard to get) and I'm afraid I won't live up to his expectations. Any advice on how to make my performance better or my head cooler since I have never been i a situation like this where the guy is starting to get under my skin.
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He's called you out on not being willing to take risks in relationships. If you're interested in more than just a NSA sexual experience, then part of the experience is getting to know the other person, putting yourself out there emotionally, risking getting hurt and risking that the sex might not be perfect for either of you.

This guy isn't just looking for a sexual athlete, so even if we were to give you advice on how to be a good top, there's no guarantee that it would satisfy him. Obviously this guy is looking for something more intimate and unless you're willing to be vulnerable and take the risks that come with that, you're not going to be someone that he is interested in.
 
My impression is that he thinks he's sorted out why you haven't been in a long term relationship, which is something he seems to want with you. In my opinion, the "spark" is there or not regardless of when the couple first has sex. My husband and I had anonymous sex in 1983 and have been together ever since. I say it depends more on chemistry than controlling when sex takes place.

Don't worry about getting sex advice. It wil be what it is. The key will be how you both feel afterwards and whether you're both able to share those feelings.

The thing I'd be most concerned about is whether or not his control issue is present in all areas of your relationship. If so, I'd run.
 
Thank you all for yours replays.I know this is not a sex advice forum and I do apologize if I made sound like that.English is not my native language.I'm just so confused because I'm interested in this guy and probably he's interested since he calls and text me every day but when I put the sex talk on the table he says that we shoudn't rush,that we shoudn't do something that we'll both regret and that we should get to know eachother more.He's probably right.All this wait for our first sex preasure me and when will finaly come could be a disater.That's what I ment under performance and cold head.
Thank you all again ;)
 
Well, personally I've never understood why one can't "get to know one another" while having sex as well, frankly for me that's an essential part of getting to know someone, and I won't stay with someone with whom I'm sexually incompatible.

Of course I realize that there are those guys out there who put this kind of baggage on sex, sounds like you've found one. So don't fuck him if you want to date him.

You don't sound like you have much experience, how old are you?
 
I'm 29 and I don't have much experience.I'll probably won't fuck him until I see him at least couple of times.I've got doubt about this whole situation:What is he's playing with me?What if he's right?.......and a million another questions
 
There's no "right" way to begin a relationship and nothing you can do to control the outcome. Regardless of when you have sex, a relationship will either develop or not develop. Try not to worry about it.
 
Seasoned said:
There's no "right" way to begin a relationship and nothing you can do to control the outcome. Regardless of when you have sex, a relationship will either develop or not develop. Try not to worry about it.
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I think not to worry about it is the best advice I can get.I think I'll just let things flow and what happend happends.After all this is two way street it's not depending all of me.Hope I'll get my head and my pants cool as soon as possible :)
 
Well finally after five dates we went to his flat and starting to make out.I had really good feeling about this guy but turns out he wanted all the control over things.We never had sex only make out,he got my pants down but never do a thing to me except talking dirty.When he told me I should leave I hug him from behind and he told me to stop in high voice.I left soon after that.He still text me and I'm still kind hung up to him but I'm thinking to end all this sharade once and for all.What do you guys think should I talk to him,should I give him another chance or should I end it right now?
 
Well, you said that he isn't your type, you've given it a chance but the sex isn't what you had hoped and his behavior is inconsistent.

^ If that summarizes everything, then you know what needs to happen.
 
Today's general expectations are fired by immediacy. Instant news, instant information, instant gratification. Everything "has" to be now, Now, NOW!

I'm impressed your acquaintance is more discerning and thoughtful. Obviously, he's not interested in just a hookup, and he's giving you the space to figure out what you're doing, too.

I'm not saying he's looking for a long term relationship, though he might be, but he is taking the time for both of you to get to know each other, at least as friends. He's allowing you to become sure about him, as he's also pausing to become comfortable with you.

Perhaps he's leery of getting hurt again, if indeed he has been. Or, maybe he's being considerate, giving you the space to figure out if this is something you Want to do, as opposed to it being something you might feel you Have to do.

I don't see his hesitation as a "Control" issue, though it might be. Since we don't know him, we have no idea what his true intentions might be. We can only guess.

If he interests you, I'd advise taking advantage of the space you're being offered. Give yourself the time to get to know him better, too.

Who knows? It's possible nothing will ever happen, physically. Then again, there could be Fireworks further down this path. In any case, it sounds like you're gaining a friend, one step at a time.
 
alkazar29 said:
Well finally after five dates we went to his flat and starting to make out.I had really good feeling about this guy but turns out he wanted all the control over things.We never had sex only make out,he got my pants down but never do a thing to me except talking dirty.When he told me I should leave I hug him from behind and he told me to stop in high voice.I left soon after that.He still text me and I'm still kind hung up to him but I'm thinking to end all this sharade once and for all.What do you guys think should I talk to him,should I give him another chance or should I end it right now?
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I am gonna go with my first thought.....oil and water

What is your first thought? The first one...catch it if you can...before the internal committee has a meeting....
 
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