Mostly, this is just a story. I'm not asking for any advice, because there's nothing I can really do except move on and be happy with the circumstances. Basically this is just me saying how much I appreciate my friend, because I have to get it out. I don't feel like I can say it to him, without it being weird, but I just want you all to know how great he is.
First off he was the first person ever to talk to me at my new high school. He was just that kind of guy, that he made sure that the new kids felt welcome. Everyone else had either ignored me or made fun of me so it was really good to see a friendly face. After he introduced himself we hung out a few times and he stayed over. And that's when I started to be really confused by how I felt about him. It was an inexplicable warm feeling that came over me everytime I was near him, or talked to him. Basically I always wanted to be around him, and everytime he left I felt a blend of happiness and sadness. Because I would look back to all the great things that happen and smile but feel bad because I would have to wait to hang out with him again.
We did not hang out too much in high school, because he was popular and we just had really different lifestyles. I was a really strong Christian and he was a partier. But when we did hang out, it was always the best times. We would always get out my video camera and try to make scary movies. One night before Christmas eve we went to a movie and then drove around on snowy roads for hours just listening to music and talking. But it was always hard, because everytime we'd hang out, immediately after he'd ignore me for months at a time. I must have come on too strongly.
And this is where I always feel like the worst person on earth, and is most likely the source of a lot of his apparant uncomfort with me. When he slept, I'd try to get him to stay in my bed, and after a while I'd start cuddling up to him. It was innocent at first but then I ended up being a real pervert and doing some things I am really really ashamed of. I don't know how, but he never woke up. It was so empty and wrong, because I thought I loved him. But that's defintely not love because there's no respect in that. I still haven't told him about that, and I don't know if I ever can. I mean, I should. He deserves to know the truth about me.
Anyway, after high school we pretty much fell out of touch. And keep in mind I graduated in 05 and first off we didn't even hang out our senior year plus we pretty much haven't spoken until just a few weeks ago. He randomly started talking to me on AIM and it was really good. I could tell he'd changed. He was more open about stuff. He had heard that I'd came out and thought that it was awesome. We hung out and it was just like old times. Well the feeling wasn't there yet, but he was the same old friend of mine, but somehow different. Maybe because we didn't stop talking. He started calling me and we'd talk for a long time. And it was real cool.
Of course, I had no hopes of ever being with him because a) he's straight DUH and b) he has an amazing fiancee who he loves more than anything. But the feeling started to come back. That warm, almost out-of-body happy feeling. A couple weeks ago I told him I wasn't doing good, and he seemed worried, then later I told him I was doing better, like I didn't feel like I wanted to die anymore. And he told me I shouldn't ever think about dying, that he would hate losing me, that I'm a great guy. And it just felt so great to hear him say that. Any compliments coming from his mouth feel like heaven.
Then I came home last Thursday for labor day weekend and he called me about 8 o'clock and we've been together non-stop ever since. He kind of got kicked out by his fiancee until he finds a better job. They're still good, but he just needed some time away. So I told him of course, come over. That he was welcome anytime. So we ended up watching movies and driving around until 4 in the morning and it was just like old times. The feeling was growing. We had to help my parents with some work and in that time I started talking about how I had wanted to go mountain biking this weekend. Out of the blue he said, yeah we should do it. Let's get out of Nebraska. I was like, wtf are you joking? ha. So we DID! We left in the afternoon and drove all night to the black hills in South Dakota. When we got there it was incredible, we drove through the mountains and just listened to Passenger Seat by Death Cab over and over again. I was in heaven. For one we'd been planning a trip like this for probably 4 years and two I love places like that and three I was with him. I was content. In heaven!
So the whole weekend we camped and hiked, and did some offroading. And the whole time he just proved that he had become the greatest guy. At one point I kind of ran ahead when we were scouting an offroad path and when I met back with him, he kept saying how worried he was, he thought a bear had gotten me or something. And I know it probably sound stupid that I think it's so great, but it was just so great to know that he cared about me. When we were camping he made sure i was warm. And when we were driving, I would lay down and he would make sure I was comfortable, even putting stuff over the ligths on the stereo so it wouldn't be so bright. It was like he was taking care of me, just so great. And it's weird, a lot of times I don't understand his humor, and it's been so long that we still have trouble keeping conversations going sometimes, but it doesn't matter. I feel on top of the world when I'm with him. I don't even know in what way, but I love him. I know it doeesn't mean anything to him or anyone else in the world, but it does to me. And it's not even that desperate, depressing love. It's just different.
Now unfortunately the trip is over. He's sleeping on the couch in the next room. And I can say that this was probably the greatest weekend ever. I don't know if anyone will ever read this whole thing, but it felt great to let it out. Thanks.
First off he was the first person ever to talk to me at my new high school. He was just that kind of guy, that he made sure that the new kids felt welcome. Everyone else had either ignored me or made fun of me so it was really good to see a friendly face. After he introduced himself we hung out a few times and he stayed over. And that's when I started to be really confused by how I felt about him. It was an inexplicable warm feeling that came over me everytime I was near him, or talked to him. Basically I always wanted to be around him, and everytime he left I felt a blend of happiness and sadness. Because I would look back to all the great things that happen and smile but feel bad because I would have to wait to hang out with him again.
We did not hang out too much in high school, because he was popular and we just had really different lifestyles. I was a really strong Christian and he was a partier. But when we did hang out, it was always the best times. We would always get out my video camera and try to make scary movies. One night before Christmas eve we went to a movie and then drove around on snowy roads for hours just listening to music and talking. But it was always hard, because everytime we'd hang out, immediately after he'd ignore me for months at a time. I must have come on too strongly.
And this is where I always feel like the worst person on earth, and is most likely the source of a lot of his apparant uncomfort with me. When he slept, I'd try to get him to stay in my bed, and after a while I'd start cuddling up to him. It was innocent at first but then I ended up being a real pervert and doing some things I am really really ashamed of. I don't know how, but he never woke up. It was so empty and wrong, because I thought I loved him. But that's defintely not love because there's no respect in that. I still haven't told him about that, and I don't know if I ever can. I mean, I should. He deserves to know the truth about me.
Anyway, after high school we pretty much fell out of touch. And keep in mind I graduated in 05 and first off we didn't even hang out our senior year plus we pretty much haven't spoken until just a few weeks ago. He randomly started talking to me on AIM and it was really good. I could tell he'd changed. He was more open about stuff. He had heard that I'd came out and thought that it was awesome. We hung out and it was just like old times. Well the feeling wasn't there yet, but he was the same old friend of mine, but somehow different. Maybe because we didn't stop talking. He started calling me and we'd talk for a long time. And it was real cool.
Of course, I had no hopes of ever being with him because a) he's straight DUH and b) he has an amazing fiancee who he loves more than anything. But the feeling started to come back. That warm, almost out-of-body happy feeling. A couple weeks ago I told him I wasn't doing good, and he seemed worried, then later I told him I was doing better, like I didn't feel like I wanted to die anymore. And he told me I shouldn't ever think about dying, that he would hate losing me, that I'm a great guy. And it just felt so great to hear him say that. Any compliments coming from his mouth feel like heaven.
Then I came home last Thursday for labor day weekend and he called me about 8 o'clock and we've been together non-stop ever since. He kind of got kicked out by his fiancee until he finds a better job. They're still good, but he just needed some time away. So I told him of course, come over. That he was welcome anytime. So we ended up watching movies and driving around until 4 in the morning and it was just like old times. The feeling was growing. We had to help my parents with some work and in that time I started talking about how I had wanted to go mountain biking this weekend. Out of the blue he said, yeah we should do it. Let's get out of Nebraska. I was like, wtf are you joking? ha. So we DID! We left in the afternoon and drove all night to the black hills in South Dakota. When we got there it was incredible, we drove through the mountains and just listened to Passenger Seat by Death Cab over and over again. I was in heaven. For one we'd been planning a trip like this for probably 4 years and two I love places like that and three I was with him. I was content. In heaven!
So the whole weekend we camped and hiked, and did some offroading. And the whole time he just proved that he had become the greatest guy. At one point I kind of ran ahead when we were scouting an offroad path and when I met back with him, he kept saying how worried he was, he thought a bear had gotten me or something. And I know it probably sound stupid that I think it's so great, but it was just so great to know that he cared about me. When we were camping he made sure i was warm. And when we were driving, I would lay down and he would make sure I was comfortable, even putting stuff over the ligths on the stereo so it wouldn't be so bright. It was like he was taking care of me, just so great. And it's weird, a lot of times I don't understand his humor, and it's been so long that we still have trouble keeping conversations going sometimes, but it doesn't matter. I feel on top of the world when I'm with him. I don't even know in what way, but I love him. I know it doeesn't mean anything to him or anyone else in the world, but it does to me. And it's not even that desperate, depressing love. It's just different.
Now unfortunately the trip is over. He's sleeping on the couch in the next room. And I can say that this was probably the greatest weekend ever. I don't know if anyone will ever read this whole thing, but it felt great to let it out. Thanks.
this is a sob story, whatever. It's the truth.