Guy at Work Getting Me Coffee... and Mixed Signals

[erobert]

A guy where I work has been recently getting me coffee for the past few days and doing things that I initially thought were a bit flirty (chatting me up regularly, acting nervous around me, shooting me frequent glances from across the room that are what I call "the look", etc...)

After today though I'm not too sure and worry I might have read too much into things. I even aborted much of my conversational plans with him including asking if he'd like to hang out sometime.

I was going to ask him if he wanted to hang out over the weekend... Initially when chatting with him when I got in which went well but I chickened out despite him saying that he mentioned he mentioned his roommate was out of town for 3 weeks and he had the place to himself...

Feeling confident from our morning chat I asked him if he wanted any help when I saw him struggling since he'll often jump in and help me: "Nope, I'm good. Thanks though."

And then about 30 minutes later he made some sort of client billing mistake which put him in a bad mood.... it must of been a pretty large error since our boss comes over a few minutes later and chewed him out over it. Now he's visibly upset. [Sidebar: TIL he looks pretty dang hot when he get mad which doesn't help things]

Being the "fixer" that I am asked if he wanted any coffee when I went to get some about 30 minutes later. "Oh, thanks but I'm fine" hmmmm.... I looked somewhat confused.

He's not taking me up to or warming to my offers for both assistance or coffee but the timing might not have been right since even an hour later he still seemed somewhat upset.

Now I'm sure how to act so I back off and go back to being professional since maybe he's needs additional time to cool off? He goes to lunch and on his way back I give him a smile- he blows right by me- he still looks upset and walked by like I'm not there. Uh oh!.... Not a good sign. That's not how you treat people especially if you're interested i them. Wouldn't he vent to me a bit about what he's upset about? That's what my coworker friends do. Maybe he's actually not interested.

Sensing his still pissed mood (I can relate when I get in a bad mood- being in a bad mood is the worst) I pull back for the much of the day to give him space. Since he's not really talking with anyone. Near the end of the day though he's shooting me glances again. OK....? I went over to chat him up to see if everything's alright between us since I don't want to create weirdness if he's into me. And especially if he's being friendly in a professional way- he's back to his regular self but seems nervous. He was speaking articulately a minute ago before I came over but now he's stumbling over his words. Hmm.... maybe that's a good sign?

TIL: I wanted to ask him if he'd like to hang out sometime but I chickened out due to all the mixed signals I've been getting today and his bad mood seriously through me off. I'll try Monday chatting with him and seeing if he wants to hang out outside of work sometime and that should give a clear yes or no if he's actually interested. Maybe he's in the closet if he's into guys.... who knows? I was excited and fairly sure he was interested walking into work but left really second guessing everything.... Despite the supposedly clear signals he was giving last week I should mentally prepare for anything including to continue as co-workers.

It's good to remember what a few guys posted here- there's always other guys out there. Hundreds of them in fact; a few dozen of these guys might clearly be interested in me back even. That's my backup plan

What do you guys think? Is there something more there or is this just being friendly in a professional manner?

 

[mcbrion]

well, anything anyone on here suggests is speculation. You've seen him. You see him constantly.

If he's declining your offers (any and all of them), then simply treat him as a colleague.

There's no sense in trying to force a connection into existence that is not evolving the way you want it to.

 

[erobert]

Thanks for the clarification and words of wisdom.

Very true about trying to force something that might not be there- it should happen naturally and somewhat easily from both sides if there's actually mutual attraction/ interest. My gut instinct tells me he's probably a closeted bi guy who is struggling with himself.... who knows really? Whatever the case probably time for me to move on and treat him professionally before I create an awkward or embarrassing situation for myself by making more of what is likely nothing more than a passing friendly gesture.... There's plenty of fish outside the office afterall.

 

[TX-Beau]

I, like most of us spent years playing the is he/isn't he game. It sucks and it's pointless anyway since any guy who's an actual decent choice will respond to a direct invitation. So if you want, ask him out, if he says no - for whatever reason, move on. If asking him out is problematic professionally, then you're on the wrong track anyway.

 

[fredward]

Sometimes bi or gay guys sense you might be the same way. Maybe they flirt with you as a kind of loose bonding, but are really just being friendly to a receptive audience. The "friendly flirt" is a thing. It doesn't go anywhere further, but it makes the workday easier to take.

As others have said, you could try a direct ask out, but be ready to accept a rejection. You can probably still be work pals after if you don't force it.

 

[texan_slant]

Oh wow. My humble opinion is that there is a lot of internal energy spent what all these perceived actions mean, esp. in the workplace. Visual cues or expressions only work with someone you know super well. At the end of the day, all you have are words to base your actions on, esp with colleagues.

Try to relax, treat him like you would anyone else at work, and let it fall into place naturally. Sounds like he needs space, before you try doing the coffee thing again.