Guys, how does one make gay friends?

[sacrednerve]

Really, it's harder than it should be.

Nevertheless, I'm determined to do it, since I have, well... no gay friends to chill with. There are several gay men in my office who I want to ingratiate myself with, but I can't think of any way to do so without being awkward or seeming like I'm flirting. I'm not on any of the same projects with any of them, so I don't really have any opportunities to just make natural small-talk. And to further complicate matters, my mother works in the same office as I do. She knows I'm gay, so my trying to make gay friends isn't in issue in that respect; but do you think that they may be hesitant to befriend me because of her presence?

I'm utterly clueless when it comes to making friends (got that introverted, mistrustful thing going on, sadly); so any advice would be most appreciated. Thanks, guys.

 

[Txgoodoldboy]

How do you know they are gay? I mean, for sure?

Here is a "How to" link for making friends:

http://www.wikihow.com/Make-Friends

I mean aren't gays, just people, too? (Joking)

 

[sacrednerve]

How do you know they are gay? I mean, for sure?

They're openly gay. But even before it was confirmed for me, I sensed it. My gaydar is pretty good.

 

[slickery]

I've just recently broken down this barrier.

You just have to be persistant. Do these other guys all hang out together? Let them know you are open for things. I found that saying yes to social things and just asking if you can tag along gets you farther then you think.

Maybe just send them an office email or approach them and explain your situation. If someone approached me and just said "hey i don't really have any gay friends, can I tag along?" I would and most people would include them, as long as they weren't weird or anything.

But most importantly, put yourself out there because if you don't, they are never going to walk up to you and ask if you want to do something. Another thing, do you share mutual friends?

 

[nautiboyjeff]

While meeting guys at work seems like it would be easier, you may want to find friends outside of work. Mixing your personal life and work life can get a little dicey. If you really want to meet them, then I think the idea of an email for lunch or a drink (assuming your over 18 years old) would be my suggestion. The email can even be simple, "Hey - would you be up for lunch or a drink after work. Let me know" - easy.

Have you considered joining a local group or volunteering with a gay organization? This is a great way to meet people and do something for others.

I have promoted online dating services on here several times. It's a great way to meet people. I just encourage you to meet for COFFEE ONLY. That way if you don't like the person or something isn't right, you can leave. If you want to stay or do more later, that's all possible, but if you are committed for dinner and want to leave because you are uncomfortable, you are stuck. Just start with a coffee shop.

Good luck!

 

[backpacker]

Socializing with co-workers has both pros and cons. Since your mother works in the same office, you should ask her opinion on making friends with co-workers (I mean friends outside of work).

If you decide to make friends at work, you should determine if one or more of the gay guys is part of a "lunch group" at work. By lunch group, I mean a group of people who regularly eat together at lunch. If so, you may ask if it's OK if you tag along one day. You can just say I would like to get to know more people in the office and was wondering if I could join you guys sometime for lunch.

If there are no lunch groups, I would look for times that they are in the break room and try to strike up a conversation. Often coming in early or staying late allows for an opportunity to talk. People often want a little break when they stay late or like to talk before starting work.

Your mother may even have a good relationship with one of the guys and she could introduce. Something along the line of "X have you met my son?"

I don't think your mother working in the same office will make a difference, unless your mother is their supervisor. Then only a few people may consider that an issue. It really depends on the whole office dynamic that we really can't analyze here.

The best way to make gay friends is to join gay groups. Do an internet search for gay groups in your area. Pick up the local gay papers to find groups. If your city has a Gay Pride event, find a list of exhibitors or those in the parade. Depending on the size of your city, there are probably a number of gay groups. Gay groups provide a way for you to meet people with similar interests and enjoy the fellowship.

 

[hanshansen]

Why do you want to make gay friends (as opposed to friends in general)?

I won't tell you how to make friends in general, the advice above is all good. But here's a few observations on making gay friends. Purely based on my own experiences and the way I like my friendships to be.

If you want to make friends with the gay guys in the office, do it the same way you would make friends with anyone else in the office. Look at it this way: would you like it if someone came up to you and wanted you to be their friend just because you are gay? It would make me feel a bit awkward - I'd wonder if they wanted me to be a sounding board for their personal issues, or if they wanted to date me. (Not that I don't want to date people or listen to their problems.)

I agree that gay groups are a really good way to make gay friends. I made some very good friends through a gay support group. But for that to work you've either got to feel at home in the group, or (this is what I did) you've got to take the initiative and peel the people you like away from the group by doing things with them outside the group. In general I think you've got to show people that you're hanging out with them because you like them as individuals, not just because they're members of the group.

I agree that you're more likely to make good friends if you have friends in common - I think you've got to make an effort to involve people in the fabric of your life.

Gay friends are more complicated than straight friends because they're potential sexual partners, at least in theory. It's like being friends with girls if you're straight or bi. It's easier to make genuine friends with gay guys if they have partners or if you're already dating someone else or if you can do group activities together or activities which are non-date-like. You both need to be clear about and happy with the fact that there's no romantic or sexual element, otherwise there'll be tension.

 

[sacrednerve]

Why do you want to make gay friends (as opposed to friends in general)?

I used to have several gay friends when I was away at college some years ago, and I miss that camaraderie. I never feel like I can be completely myself around straight people; I never have much of a rapport with them, and it's frustrating.

Anyway, thank all of you for your advice, and for any other advice that may come.

 

[slickery]

Yes but you have to admit, it is way more fun going out with a group of gay guys, then it is with straight friends, even girls.

 

[SonOfSlobone]

I would suggest you forget about "friends" (plural) for the moment and just concentrate on getting to know one person at a time. Pick the one you get the best vibe from, go into his office when nobody else is there.

Say "Can you give me some advice? I'd like to meet some other gay people, but I'm not sure where to go. Can you recommend a good place to hang out?"

He might get the hint right away and offer to go there with you. Or he might say, "You could try Miss Thing's Bar & Grill". Then you say, "do you go there a lot?". If he still doesn't get the hint, give up and try somebody else.

But don't try to crash into a group, it's easier to do when somebody's by themselves.

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>Yes but you have to admit, it is way more fun going out with a group of gay guys, then it is with straight friends, even girls.

Nope, sorry. I have a great time with my straight friends AND my gay friends. Sometimes the topics might be different, but a good time is had by all.

Lex

 

[HeyyJude]

gay men are all jealous, so best way to make gay friends is to be uglier and fatter than they are. that way they won't hate you and be jealous.

 

[BabiGayPimp]

The only gay friends I have are the ones I met when first coming out, right after college. I find that gay men today are very difficult to connect with, on a nonsexual basis, unless you have a lengthy personal history with them. I think it's the "this town 'aint big enough for the two of us" syndrome. And my old gay friends have scattered to the winds. So it's just me now.

 

[slickery]

gay men are all jealous, so best way to make gay friends is to be uglier and fatter than they are. that way they won't hate you and be jealous.

This is sooooo true.

If you are the hotter one of your friends, they will all be jealous of you all the time. Any time you meet someone, any time you talk to one of their friends, they will always be watching and it sucks.

 

[pmich25]

Friends are overrated. They come and go, they steal from ya, lie to you, they sleep with yer man. Friends suck, self-sufficiency rules!

I hope that's a joke.. i've been fortunate to have my friends for the past 15 years since high school and they've been there for me more than anyone else. It's all about surrounding yourself with friends that you can trust....ones that will be there for you.

 

[NameTaken]

Just go up to one and say really loudly "Oh my god I heard you LOVE the cock! So do I!"

Then let the amazing friendship that is sure to follow develop!

 

[G-Lexington]

I have no idea what any of you are talking about. I've got plenty of gay friends, and there's absolutely no backbiting or jealousy or "one-upsmanship". Maybe because I'm old, ugly and partnered. Or maybe I'm just mature enough not to have to deal with any of that crap, although many of the gay friends are younger than me...

Lex

 

[danniflava]

gay men are all jealous, so best way to make gay friends is to be uglier and fatter than they are. that way they won't hate you and be jealous.

Uhhhhhhhhh.

 

[bluedragon4]

gay men are all jealous, so best way to make gay friends is to be uglier and fatter than they are. that way they won't hate you and be jealous.

LOl, I actually have to agree with you. I am considered kinda good looking by some and all the guys I meet one to hit it instead of just being my friend. I lived in another state and had the same really great gay friends for almost 10 years. I moved to Phx and didn't realize how hard making friends would be!