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Guys, I need your help. Really.

Miz1983

Miz1983

On the Prowl
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First of all, forgive my English which is far from being perfect. Thanks.

I've have been in a relationship with a guy for almost 5 years now. We've had tough times, for sure, but in the end our mutual love always prevailed. I was NEVER tempted to cheat on him by any means, the mere thought of it would disgust me.

But it's true that over the last few months I've been slightly frustrated with what we do in the bedroom. Won't enter into details, but I thought we were doing the same thing over and over again.
Plus, during the 5 years we've been together, he put on something like 40 lbs, he's taken to refusing (or only after I would plead him something like 50 times) to shave or at least trim his very hairy torso and back (something he would always do at the beginning of our relationship). Obviously, on the other hand, I don't feel entitled to tell him how he must look. Plus, I'm not exactly the best looking guy in the world either.

But I have to admit my sexual desire for him has slowly diminished over the last few months (resulting in me taking less pleasure in sex, sometimes even feeling I HAD to have sex with him, rather than wanted to), but my overall sexual desire never really diminished... which I made up for with masturbation.


And then............. there was last night

Last night I was bored, and connected on some French gay chat (let me insist on the fact I was NOT looking for sex) just... to chat. A guy approached me, we got on quite well with each other. He proposed me to drop by his flat and talk in person, which I didn't refuse -- I was bored and didn't have much to do. Plus, I don't know that many people where I live (I moved in here just two months ago) so I thought it would be nice to make acquaintance with someone who seemed to be an interesting person.
I went at his place, had a drink, we talked for a while about daily life, politics, weather...... really, nothing special

And then... all of a sudden he leaned over to kiss me... and I didn't resist. Worse, he started to grab my crotch and... I didn't react. I even started, just like that, to pet him as well. This went on for a few... seconds ? minutes ? I can't even recall. It was like my body was there but not my spirit. So, after a few seconds / minutes, I stopped everything, feeling uneasy. We resumed chatting and I left the guy's flat, feeling... weird. Not guilty, but weird.

But when I got back home, I started feeling my arms and legs shake. I was having a panic attack, as if I was just realizing what I had done. I spent 20 minutes throwing up in the bathroom. I barely got any sleep last night, couldn't eat anything this morning. My thoughts were all about (and still are, at the moment, since I'm crying while typing this post) how I was a despicable person.

NEVER had I thought such a thing would happen. And now I feel like a piece of sh*t. I feel as if I were Keith Olbermann's "Worst Person in the World".

I know I can't turn back the clock, I know no one forced me into what I did... and yet I feel like it wasn't me doing this. Believe this, I love my boyfriend more than anything in the world. And I don't know what would happen to me if I lost him.

But what must I do ?
Not tell him, and risk permanent feelings of guilt and sickness ?
Tell him, and risk losing him ?

Guys, I know you can't do much for me but... I have to send this SOS.

Thanks in advance for those of you who took time to read all of this, and even more thanks for those who will be kind enough to drop a line.

-- J.
 
i think what you did is understandable, maybe not proper but you shouldn't be beating yourself up as much as you are...but i am not a relationship expert.so hopefully someone will provide you with the advice you need.

i didnt realize they had msnbc in france or not a french version of jub but welcome!
 
You have to have friends outside the relationship - no harm in that. Your feelings are understandable but the bad feelings will subside. You obviously need to talk to your partner about your present situation and discuss outside friendships - it always helps to talk to other people (this site and present thread are prime examples).
Wishing you all the best. G
 
Basically you arent into bears.
Sorry to say this, but, if looks and weight have become a wedge issue you two might be better off finding new lovers.
I myself have been into bears most of my adult life and enjoyed being one. I think you're more into slim hairless types. IMO
 
@HornyHenry : no, it's not a wedge issue. True, I'm not into bears but he wasn't one when I met him.

Thank you all for your replies. But I just can't put that into perspective.

I'm seeing him in an hour (we haven't seen each other for 2 weeks, as we went back to spend Christmas and NYE in our families)
I feel lost... I know myself, I just can't lie, I know I'm gonna burst into tears as soon as we begin talking. I really don't know, and don't understand what went through my head last night.
 
You have to ask whether you want to stay with the bf of 5 yrs or whether your exploring outside of the lair is a sign that you want your freedom.

Before you cheat, you should talk to your bf.

Is there some reason why you both might not want an open relationship?

Illgetbi nailed the whole thing perfectly.

Now. If you want to make it work with your bf, then work on making it work.

If you want to close this chapter, then do it so that it doesn't mortally wound either of you.

Good luck.

Oh. And don't go visiting strange guys and then being surprised if they want to fuck.

A little story by the way.

Years ago, when I was a mere child, I ended up on the couch of a well known lawyer, who lived in the same building. His bf of about 5 years was away and he put the move on me. But you know what? He realized that he didn't want to cheat after all and thanked me for my understanding as he realized this while we were making out. I just laughed it off and told him I was glad to help and that if I'd known he had a bf, I'd have squeezed his nuts.

About two months ago, we were attending the symphony and looking down from the front row of the balcony I saw him in the seats below us. With his bf, now his husband. 28 years later. And they got older together. And they were still very much in love from what I saw/
 
The truth is that you love your boyfriend and this situation has made you realize it more. Yes, you made a mistake but in the end, the fact that you want to work things out with your lover is really what is important. If you kept your pants on and did not have sex with this stranger than it's really no big deal.
 
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