Guys/"""Manliness"""... which am I really chasing?

[blogthissucker]

Hokay, kind of a deep post but...

Every time I'm around a guy I'm attracted to, I usually find myself comparing my manliness to his. In my head I start to try and come up with ways in which I am more of a man than he is (i.e. "I can drive a stick... I bet he can't do that"). I then go out of my way to mention/demonstrate the things I come up with. This sounds like normal guy """compensation""" if you will, but my illogical goal in all this is that they will find me attractive. I guess the reason I feel like that makes sense is because the guys I find attractive are usually guys who I identify as more "manly" than me, so I figure they won't like me unless they see the same in me. [Maybe I'm just dumb?]

I find guys appealing to look at and I always assumed I was attracted to them, but this kind of makes me wonder whether I'm just attracted to the idea of manliness. Sometimes I feel like if I were jacked and impossibly well-endowed I'd be chasing women all the time... but I think that what I'd find hottest about that would be them being turned on by my masculinty. [Maybe I'm just a narcissist?]

I've jerked off to videos of other guys jerking off before... and I think a lot of what turns me on is the idea that "see, in the end that's all that he comes down to". Something like the idea that I know all his secrets and he doesn't know mine... [Maybe I'm just a power junkie?]

So uh... how messed up am I? I'm sure all the Freuds out there are going to tell me I'm insecure in my masculinity... [Maybe I'm JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE...]

 

[stripes]

Re: Guys/"""Manliness"""... which am I really chas

i think it's normal for guys to do that but i still hate it. One thing that really puts me off a guy is when they do the whole "who is more masculine" thing. There's something really sexy about a guy who doesn't try too hard to be macho and is comfortable with not being super masculine all the time or even at all

 

[rareboy]

Re: Guys/"""Manliness"""... which am I really chas

I would seriously suggest spending time with a therapist to find the reasons in your developement that lead you to this type of immature and self-destructive behaviour.

Obviously you're troubled by the urge to dominate or to have to prove your alpha superiority so it would be worth some time exploring the root causes.

The fact is, you may be able to do some things well. Others, including (gasp) women, might be able to do a lot of other things as well or better than you.

I don't like your notion that if you had the equipment you'd be some kind of pussy crazed cock-hound. It isn't good to have to live with the type of inferiority complex you have.

 

[Blacksheep]

Re: Guys/"""Manliness"""... which am I really chas

Have you ever been in a relationship with a guy? Don't date a guy who is in the closet because they will make it a lot worse. I'd go the therapist route because you are going to cause problems for yourself and your partner. I just got out of a relationship with someone like you, he was worried I would out him because I'm 'gayer than him'. When I pointed out that I'd never been pegged as gay and was superficially at least more masculine, he freaked out even more.

It really shouldn't be a competition, I can't think of a way to help you but I can tell you that it isn't a healthy way to think. I think there is a level of competition in every relationship, but I think it's destructive to try to be more masculine because you are inadvertently stripping them of the very attribute that attracted you to them in the first place.

 

[KaraBulut]

Re: Guys/"""Manliness"""... which am I really chas

It seems more than you're trying "think to death" what is- when it comes to it- an attraction to other guys.

Part of being gay or bi is having an attraction to masculinity- whether it be an attraction to a hairy chest, the way a guy smells, muscles or just plain ol' cock.

But since this seems to be an obstacle to you finding a normal relationship with a guy, it is something to consider seeing a therapist about.

 

[blogthissucker]

Re: Guys/"""Manliness"""... which am I really chas

The fact is, you may be able to do some things well. Others, including (gasp) women, might be able to do a lot of other things as well or better than you.

I don't know how my post implied that women can't do things, but I didn't mean it that way.

 

[bayern20]

Re: Guys/"""Manliness"""... which am I really chas

Its immature, its self-destructive, and its loser like behavior.

If you have to find how you are more manly than other people, chances are you are a queen. (or at least you think you are)

 

[G-Lexington]

Re: Guys/"""Manliness"""... which am I really chas

I don't know Freud from Frodo, but I'll say it anyway - you're insecure in your masculinity.

I'm gay. I like guys in a sexual way. I've had sex with guys who (most would say) are more masculine than I am, and with guys who are less. I don't try to dominate them. They haven't tried to dominate me. We didn't compare dick sizes and choose the top based on that. We didn't knock down trees or slam drinks or arm wrestle before heading for the bedroom.

We just had sex. Because we're gay, and we like having sex with guys.

So sorry, I don't think you're just like everybody else.

>>>I guess the reason I feel like that makes sense is because the guys I find attractive are usually guys who I identify as more "manly" than me, so I figure they won't like me unless they see the same in me.

Well, you see the logic flaw, I hope. If that's all it came down to, whoever "won" the machismo battle wouldn't be interested in the guy who "lost"...so nothing would happen.

I think rareboy's right. Therapy probably should be in the cards. That is, unless you can find some uber-masculine guys who can at least pretend to be wowed by your masculinity in return. And even then, I doubt the attraction would last post-orgasm. If you don't mind living off one-night stands with guys that'll be hard to come by, then I guess you're set. Bu I think it'd make more sense to sort through the issues, and then start dating and forming relationships.

Lex

 

[vetterx021]

Re: Guys/"""Manliness"""... which am I really chas

What in the world are you guys talking about? This guy doesn't need therapy and his behavior isn't self-destructive. It's natural for guys to be competitive with each other and to see who is the most masculine, whether they're gay or straight. Girls can be the same way with femininity. When we walk into a bar and take in the scene, it's natural for us to scope out potential mates and potential competitors using factors such as masculinity (or femininity) to assess our peers.

Maybe it's a problem if that's ALL you see in a person--how masculine they are compared to you, instead of their own unique personality, but otherwise it's completely normal.

I have no idea why our society is so determined to make us think that there's something wrong with the emotions and feelings that make us human. It's no wonder so many people are popping pills these days.

 

[G-Lexington]

Re: Guys/"""Manliness"""... which am I really chas

>>>It's natural for guys to be competitive with each other and to see who is the most masculine, whether they're gay or straight.

Sure, it's deep in the programing. So is fight-or-flight. But we're not troglodytes anymore. We don't respond to stress with the choice "punch or run", and we don't immediately prepare to rumble (or arm wrestle, or whip out our dicks) when we see another guy in our "territory". Some guys still like to bluster or make a muscle or tell fish stories, and there's nothing wrong with that, really.

But there's a major disconnect here. This guy is only interested in very masculine guys. (Again, no problem yet.) And then he feels he needs to "compete" with them - to somehow prove he's on the same level, and in some way, their better. Then, and only then, does he feel he's going to be found attractive, which then would turn him on, and then possibly some sex is gonna result.

That's a lot of hoops to jump through. And even if he should find a couple guys that fit the bill, they're going to be one-night stands, not boyfriends. In his scenario, it's about masculinity and dominance. Once the battle ends, the combatants move on. Again, that's fine if all he wants or expects from his sexuality is a (very) occasional "conquest". But I'm guessing that eventually, he might want more than that. If you've noticed, there are a lot of gay guys out there who aren't that masculine. And, if you've noticed further, these guys are getting laid on a regular basis, and many of them get steady boyfriends. I'm pretty sure they're not the ones who are doing it wrong.

Lex

 

[nip/tug]

Re: Guys/"""Manliness"""... which am I really chas

What in the world are you guys talking about? This guy doesn't need therapy and his behavior isn't self-destructive. It's natural for guys to be competitive with each other and to see who is the most masculine, whether they're gay or straight. Girls can be the same way with femininity. When we walk into a bar and take in the scene, it's natural for us to scope out potential mates and potential competitors using factors such as masculinity (or femininity) to assess our peers.

Maybe it's a problem if that's ALL you see in a person--how masculine they are compared to you, instead of their own unique personality, but otherwise it's completely normal.

I have no idea why our society is so determined to make us think that there's something wrong with the emotions and feelings that make us human. It's no wonder so many people are popping pills these days.

I totally agree! there is nothing wrong with you. Men are Men and genrealy are much more competitive. and (most) gay men are attracted to me due do masculinity.

Damnt it! this post got sent before i was finished now i totally lost my train of thought.... sorry for my lack of 2 cents...

 

[blogthissucker]

Re: Guys/"""Manliness"""... which am I really chas

What in the world are you guys talking about? This guy doesn't need therapy and his behavior isn't self-destructive. It's natural for guys to be competitive with each other and to see who is the most masculine, whether they're gay or straight.

I totally agree! there is nothing wrong with you.

lol... i'm glad there are people out there who don't think i'm a freak

i wasn't really bringing this up to discuss whether it's healthy. it's subtle and i doubt that anyone notices it but me. my friends tend to call me out if i do something ridiculous and this has never come up... i only even thought about it a few days ago. i think my first post focused on the wrong things.

the point that i was trying to get at is whether i like guys. I know that i admire the quality of masculinity in a guy and i strive to be """manly""" myself. It doesn't dictate my life, but it is important to me. I've always been interested in guys i consider manly (and acted subtly differently around them as i described before) and i always thought that this was because i was attracted to them sexually/romantically. It occurred to me recently that maybe i'm not attracted to them at all and I'm really just seeing qualities that I want for myself and misinterpreting that as attraction.

 

[neruda]

Re: Guys/"""Manliness"""... which am I really chas

Its testosterone.
You're completely normal.
Enjoy it while it lasts and channel your aggression to acts of love.
I mean be chivalrous - its sexy

 

[Blacksheep]

Re: Guys/"""Manliness"""... which am I really chas

the point that i was trying to get at is whether i like guys. I know that i admire the quality of masculinity in a guy and i strive to be """manly""" myself. It doesn't dictate my life, but it is important to me. I've always been interested in guys i consider manly (and acted subtly differently around them as i described before) and i always thought that this was because i was attracted to them sexually/romantically. It occurred to me recently that maybe i'm not attracted to them at all and I'm really just seeing qualities that I want for myself and misinterpreting that as attraction.

If you had of explained it like that in the first place I would have told you it's normal and you are probably gay.

All that you seem to be describing here is the quality you look for in a man rather than saying you feel the need to compete, which is how the first thread came across.

 

[hotlatinchulo348]

Re: Guys/"""Manliness"""... which am I really chas

Whoa! I hear you loud and clear. Struggling with the same concept myself. Maybe we should both see therapists... LMAO!!

 

[bayern20]

Re: Guys/"""Manliness"""... which am I really chas

His behaviour has nothing to do with being competitive.

 

[kramer362]

Re: Guys/"""Manliness"""... which am I really chas

Nothing wrong with liking masculinity or being masculine. I'd say you just need to relax a little and be a more confident instead of trying to one-up everyone. Not many guys are gonna wanna be with another guy who can only feel good if he's the alpha male. Even the most masculine guys have a sensitive side, whether or not they feel like showing it is another story.

 

[vetterx021]

Re: Guys/"""Manliness"""... which am I really chas

But there's a major disconnect here. This guy is only interested in very masculine guys. (Again, no problem yet.) And then he feels he needs to "compete" with them - to somehow prove he's on the same level, and in some way, their better. Then, and only then, does he feel he's going to be found attractive, which then would turn him on, and then possibly some sex is gonna result.

I still don't see the problem.

It's like this: He sees someone he's attracted to (most of the time, it's a masculine guy), and in order for that attraction to be reciprocated, he feels he needs to somehow "impress" him. He can do so by being competitive and one-upping the guy at a masculine activity.

I consider myself pretty masculine, and I can tell you that that's just how guys think. If I see someone doing something I'm interested in, and doing it better than me, I'm almost immediately attracted to that person. Not necessarily in a sexual way, but I'm immediately interested in meeting them, finding out more about them, and finding out how they do what they do so well, whether that's playing a sport, a video game, getting good grades, whatever.

Think about straight guys and the hero worship that comes with sports figures. It's just like that. Guys don't "impress" each other by buying each other gifts or giving out compliments, guys impress each other by out-competing everyone else and being the last man standing. It's just how we work.

 

[Lonely12am]

Re: Guys/"""Manliness"""... which am I really chas

Sounds like a king-in-the-making to me. Opps, we are not in year 800AD anymore; so that act has to be more subtle and yeah, be chivalrous and not putting yourself on a sharp pointy corner. It's cold and lonely there and you will have no more fun since none will be there for you to compare with.

 

[bayern20]

Re: Guys/"""Manliness"""... which am I really chas

I still don't see the problem.

It's like this: He sees someone he's attracted to (most of the time, it's a masculine guy), and in order for that attraction to be reciprocated, he feels he needs to somehow "impress" him. He can do so by being competitive and one-upping the guy at a masculine activity.

I consider myself pretty masculine, and I can tell you that that's just how guys think. If I see someone doing something I'm interested in, and doing it better than me, I'm almost immediately attracted to that person. Not necessarily in a sexual way, but I'm immediately interested in meeting them, finding out more about them, and finding out how they do what they do so well, whether that's playing a sport, a video game, getting good grades, whatever.

Think about straight guys and the hero worship that comes with sports figures. It's just like that. Guys don't "impress" each other by buying each other gifts or giving out compliments, guys impress each other by out-competing everyone else and being the last man standing. It's just how we work.

That is all true.

But he started his post with "everytime i am around a guy, EVERYTIME". He says " I go OUT of my WAY to bring up how I am more masculine." Clearly, its way too often on his mind. I agree with everything you have to say and its healthy to have a respect and admiration for other guys because they can do things you feel you can't, but this is different.