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reaunl

reaunl

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Hi guys,

There's something that's been bothering me for years and that I would like to get some advice on or hear some opinions about.

It's about messing around while in a relationship. I've been in a (mostly) monogamous relationship for well over a decade now and still love my guy to bits. The trouble is that I have these episodes (sometimes a couple of days, sometimes lasting for months) where I feel this urge to be a total pig and fuck around. I'm just totally horny the whole time and feel the need to have uncomplicated sex outside of my relationship. I've also got the impression that my sex drive is just much bigger than my BFs. Whenever I have sex with my BF, it's always good and we both enjoy it. It just doesn't happen very often (maybe 2 times a month, or once a week at best). At times that just doesn't seem enough for me, and I (almost) always have to take the initiative.

In the past, we've done a couple of threesomes and I fucked around once (with permission). This never really seemed to work for both of us though, my BF just isn't interested in a threesome (it doesn't turn him on) and I feel guilty fucking around if he isn't doing the same. I also find it very hard to communicate about this with him, more so because he's quite introvert.

Now I'm not going to do anything without my BF knowing about it, it just isn't worth fucking up my relationship over. But I do have this itch that feels like it badly needs scratching from time to time. How do I handle this? Or how did you handle this (let me know!)

I'm also interested to hear from other guys who are in a long term relationship and hear what you guys do to keep your sex life interesting and healthy. What avenues could I explore in that respect?

Thanks for your thoughts.

Cheers, Reau.
 
reaunl said:
I also find it very hard to communicate about this with him, more so because he's quite introvert.
Click to expand...

I think this will be your biggest problem.




If you mostly are the one to initiate sex, maybe he thinks you're getting all you want. You could try simply initiating more often. Do you not enjoy initiating sex? A lot of people prefer it. Does he know you prefer he initiate? He would know (and you would know what was going on in his head if you communicated.

If you communicated about these things with him, you might be more able to approach him about wanting to have sex with other people.
 
LoveIsNow said:
I think this will be your biggest problem.




If you mostly are the one to initiate sex, maybe he thinks you're getting all you want. You could try simply initiating more often. Do you not enjoy initiating sex? A lot of people prefer it. Does he know you prefer he initiate? He would know (and you would know what was going on in his head if you communicated.

If you communicated about these things with him, you might be more able to approach him about wanting to have sex with other people.
Click to expand...

Thanks for the reply. I have tried talking to him about the initiating-sex thing a lot but the difficulty is that it makes him very uncomfortable. I just don't seem to be able to talk to him about this without inadvertently hurting his feelings :(
 
Communication and trust are the keys to a happy relationship. With out it it can fall between th cracks(no pun here).

If you dont tell someone there is a issue developing, how are they to know that it's bothering you. You have to have one of those lets have a good, there's something I need to ask/tell you. But starting that talk is hard as if you dont choose your words right it can make the other person feel it's a break up issue.

But You need to talk....so tell him you'd like to talk about it but you dont want him to feel mad,hurt,uncomfortable. If you have been together for a while that part should have been gone a long time ago..
 
Lots of guys have open relationships. It's hardly novel in the gay community.

As long as both you & the bf are OK with it, what's the issue?

It seems like you have dramatically different sex drives, which is OK as long as he is OK with you getting yours satisfied.

I was in a 10+ year relationship, but it was with a woman. Keeping sex interesting seems to work differently with a woman than a man, so I won't give any advice there. I'm still learning myself (in my 1+ year gay relationship).
 
I'll give you my two cents...
I'm also in a long-term serious relationship, both in our late 20s. I'm in your boyfriend's shoes (the introverted, less sex-drived one --- but wonderful and loving :)))
And my boyfriend is pretty much like you.

From my perspective, my biggest fear is that he's going to cheat on me (or maybe already has) because we are different sexually. I would not be able to handle that because I would lose all trust in him and it would be almost impossible to continue the relationship. We've spoken a little about threesomes, but honestly the whole thought of seeing him fuck another guy will drive me insane. I think I am more of the traditional type and my boyfriend is more the liberal type where having with others 'isn't so bad'. I wish we can all have monogomous relationships and just live together happily, but I know especially in the gay community it's difficult.

I think if you do talk to him about fucking around, you should really explain to him why you're doing it and reiterate how much you love him. Explain that you won't fall in love with someone, that it's only a one time thing (no fuck buddies), and that it's with 100% safety and protection if you're going to have anal sex as well.

If you've been together ten years and you want it to last a lifetime, make sure to keep him happy! PM me if you want to talk more, I think we can both give each other some more advice if we're on the opposite ends of the problem. ;)
 
You either open up a conversation with him about a possibility of an open relationship OR you don't say anything, take it like a man and control your sex drive and be faithful to your boyfriend.
 
Open relationships work when both parties are completely HONEST. As soon as one starts covering things up, the relationship is as good as done. The trust won't be there, the jealousy starts, you end up feeling differently about the person even if you still want things to pan out.

Can't hurt to try if things aren't working for you as is right now.
 
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