Halfway There.

[asu1117]

As the title implies I'm half way out of the closet. If that makes any sense. And I apologize if I seem a bit longwinded, I just really need someone to talk to about all of this and really need to get it off my chest.

I'm twenty one and almost halfway through my Junior year at my University. I first admitted, to myself and others, that I am attracted to men late in my Freshmen, about a year and a half ago. I told one of my best friends whom I've known since Middle School first and then told most of my other friends. This happened in mid to late April. I told my Mom that summer and she took it amazingly. Really much better than I ever dreamed, though I really should have known she would take it so well. I was afraid and she was just great.

Then I stopped. I haven't told my Dad yet. Just for reference it's important to mention that my parents have long been divorced and when at home I stay with my mom and she supports me financially. I have had a very rocky relationship in the past with my Dad, it would take far too long to explain now but we just rekindled our relationship two years ago. So I'm terrified to tell him. Which I know is just me being a coward, the only thing I can lose from him at this point is his love and his insurance (this isn't as important as it sounds because if he does drop me I can just go onto my moms). Nothing serious will happen to my life if he takes it badly other than losing him, which has happened before. Yet every time I even think of telling him I have this terrible sinking feeling in my stomach. And to be honest I have no idea how he will take it. I can see it going either way really.

In addition to my dad my fraternity doesn't know. I pledged my fraternity while I was still in denial (attempting to make myself be straight) and I love my brothers. They've been here for me for the last two and a half years of my life when others haven't and I wouldn't change my decision to join for anything. Unfortunately my fraternity is pretty "Southern" and therefore a lot of the brothers are homophobic. So I'm even more afraid to tell them than my dad. There are certain guys that I know would be fine with it and others i'm sure it would bother. I know this must sound stupid, I shouldn't even bother with someone if s/he can't accept me. But at the same time I only have a year and half left here and I cringe at the thought of losing so many of my close friends. Maybe I will just have to face that very real possibility..

So in short, I live a very compartmentalized life that is eating away at me and I don't know what to do. I suppose I know what I should do. I'm really just looking for some feedback and advice here so any you guys could provide would be highly appreciated.

 

[hylas]

congratulations! for coming out and all.

your dad: there isnt much that can make this easier... but youll need to do it sometime anyway, so you might as well get it over with.

your fraternity: i guess it would be easy to just stay closeted for the remaining time, but i encourage you to come out to everybody anyway. you will probably encounter hostility, but a) if you stay closeted, you also suffer, and b) part of what keeps homophobia alive is some homosexuals unwillingnes to come out to homophobic people. if homophobes find out that there are homosexuals amongst their friends, it confronts them with their own stupidity. that doesnt necessarily mean theyre gonna change, but then at least change becomes a possibility. as long as they dont even know about their gay friends, theyre gonna just stay homophobic.

 

[asu1117]

Thanks! For the response and the congratulations. I appreciate it.

I'm all mixed up about what to do with the fraternity, just like you pointed out, it would be easier to just wait it out. But I don't know if I can.

 

[Seasoned]

As I have gotten older and less afraid I am willing to let the world know, but I have a partner of 27 years, two childen and a son-in-law who adore me, an ex-wife who is supportive and scores of relatives and friends who do the same.

On the other hand, I remember being your age, albeit in a different era and setting. As I look back I'd admit that I have always had a fear of the stereotypic straight boy or man. I'm most uncomfortable among a gathering of mostly straight folks, where I do not know many people. At those times I almost feel like I belong to a third sex.

I think you have a great advantage in knowing and interacting with so many straight men your age, some of which have secrets of their own, actually being gay themselves or having a gay brother, cousin, uncle or, even, father or grandfather. I also think there is real, dangerous homophobia, male group-think homophobia, used mainly a tribal ritual, and homophobia stemming from a not well thought out belief system. Your coming out could have a great impact on the later two types and might prove to have great impact in terms of house rule changes, etc.

I would not presume to tell you what to do except to say that you need to weigh your options carefully. I hate being the one having to constantly educate others, but there is always the possibility that doing so has made life easier for someone else.

Be comfortable in whatever you decide, but remember it is almost always better when you have control of your own coming out process as opposed to being outed due to "getting caught." Good luck to you.

 

[asu1117]

I am lucky in the fact that being around straight people doesn't bother me. I guess I'm just as, if not more, used to being around straight people as gay people. And I find it relatively easy to relate to straight guys (especially in a fraternity where sports takes up at least fifty percent of all conversations).

But I do think you are correct about the male group-think homophobia. I think our fraternity (and i'm sure most others) often have a 'group think' about a lot of different things. And this is one extremely touchy issue. But this fact makes me even more nervous about it all. It's possible that I could break this group think or it could go the other way and get reinforced.

Just a side note that is probably important to know, if things were to go horribly wrong (and I don't see it being this extreme) a eighty percent vote from the brothers can have someone 'de-brothered'. Essentially if enough brothers hate someone, for whatever reason, and want him gone it can be made to happen.

This may not be true for all fraternities but it is part of our bylaws.

 

[asu1117]

Maybe I should have put this in a different area of the forums..

 

[swerve]

WOW ASU -- I'm PROUD for you!!!

Accepting YOUR OWN sexuality is probably the hardest part of it...

And you've done WAY MORE than that...

I have no advice regarding your father -- because that is something that you'll need to figure out when the time is right...

I CAN TELL you that the older you get, the less you concern yourself with other's opinions...

I was ALSO in a fraternity at the University of Tennessee (a Southern College ) -- and I just figured that HONESTY with my brothers TRUMPED sexuality -- especially since anti-discrimination policies were in place...

You know -- there were a handful of brothers that I think DESPISED me -- and I generally ignored them, but, for the most part, it was a very AWESOME part of my life that I'm GLAD that I chose to live the way I did -- and this was 20 some years ago...

I would only HOPE that it is BETTER NOW!!!

Although, there was a pretty HORRIBLE thing that happened with one of our pledges that was caught giving head to another guy -- they kicked him out DESPITE my VERY VOCAL disagreement -- the excuse they used was that he had been DISHONEST...

Just a few thoughts...

And, once again, congratulations for the insight to KNOW your true self -- and the courage you've shown to share it with those that you have...

Best of luck -- and keep us informed...

 

[thermodynamics]

You're going to have to tell your dad sometime, might as well be sooner rather than later, right?

As for the frat, I think a lot of guys are "homophobic" simply because it's the thing to do, and they don't know how to not do it.

Above all, remember this:
A "friend" who disowns you because you're gay was never a friend in the first place.

 

[asu1117]

WOW ASU -- I'm PROUD for you!!!

Accepting YOUR OWN sexuality is probably the hardest part of it...

And you've done WAY MORE than that...

I have no advice regarding your father -- because that is something that you'll need to figure out when the time is right...

I CAN TELL you that the older you get, the less you concern yourself with other's opinions...

I was ALSO in a fraternity at the University of Tennessee (a Southern College ) -- and I just figured that HONESTY with my brothers TRUMPED sexuality -- especially since anti-discrimination policies were in place...

You know -- there were a handful of brothers that I think DESPISED me -- and I generally ignored them, but, for the most part, it was a very AWESOME part of my life that I'm GLAD that I chose to live the way I did -- and this was 20 some years ago...

I would only HOPE that it is BETTER NOW!!!

Although, there was a pretty HORRIBLE thing that happened with one of our pledges that was caught giving head to another guy -- they kicked him out DESPITE my VERY VOCAL disagreement -- the excuse they used was that he had been DISHONEST...

Just a few thoughts...

And, once again, congratulations for the insight to KNOW your true self -- and the courage you've shown to share it with those that you have...

Best of luck -- and keep us informed...

Thank you. The story about your fraternity is very encouraging, I hadn't really heard a success story like that. I'm still trying to figure out what to do, how to do it, etc.

 

[Lube]

Just come out. That's life: you're going to piss some people off, you just have to learn to deal with it. They're not even your bosses or anything.

And fraternities are soooo gay. Really.

 

[asu1117]

And fraternities are soooo gay. Really.

Have you ever been in one? Or is that just conjecture?

 

[Lube]

Have you ever been in one? Or is that just conjecture?

My school didn't really have fraternities to speak of.

Based on the stories I've heard from close friends, as well as all the homoerotic hazings and other goings on that get reported in the news all the time, I think it's pretty safe to say.

Our subconscious gaydar is better than we think.

 

[asu1117]

My school didn't really have fraternities to speak of.

Based on the stories I've heard from close friends, as well as all the homoerotic hazings and other goings on that get reported in the news all the time, I think it's pretty safe to say.

Our subconscious gaydar is better than we think.

Well, we haze, but it's never sexual. And for the two plus years I've been in this fraternity I've seen nothing that would back up any of those kinds of stories. So I usually say, pretty confidently, that it's bullshit. Especially the stuff that gay porn puts out, that shit is just ridiculous.