Hanging Out With Friend's Ex-B/F?

[matt1980111]

Ok. So it seems that I've gotten myself into a sticky situation. And I'm not really sure what to do. It's a little long but I'm really torn up about it.

One of my best friends ('Billy') and I have been friends for quite some time now (about 5 years). We've been really close. I consider him to be the little brother I never had. However lately we've been growing apart. And it's no one's fault. It's just life. He lives over an hour away and we both work. So time together is sparse.

Well, here comes the problem. He recently broke up with his boyfriend ('Jack'). They broke up earlier this year (around Feb.) but then got back together. They tried again is August but broke up in Sept. Billy has a long history of going through men like crazy. And after these break-ups, I've stopped talking to all his boyfriends. I thought that's what a true friend does.

Well, Jack has recently contacted me and says that he wants to be friends. Of the boyfriends Billy has had, Jack is the only one that I actually have liked. So I agreed. Well, we've only talked twice since they've broken up but now Jack's talking about coming to see me and our other friends (who don't really like Billy).

Now I'm turn. I like Jack and I want to hang out with him. So does our other friends. But I know Billy will most likely be upset to find out that Jack's coming to see me.

Part of me feels that Billy can't control who I am friends with. But I'm sure that if I were in Billy's shoes (which would be really hard, to be completely honest, Billy is a bit of a prick), I don't think I'd be pleased. What should I do?

 

[dsh122]

You already have the answer, and it lies within your question.

"I like Jack and I want to hang out with him." & "...Billy can't control who I am friends with."

It's your choice with whom to be friends.

 

[racer2438]

You know the answer----really you do.. read your own post again...your answer is there in black and white.......

.follow what your really feel.. don't go through life with a ---What if

Good luck....your going to be just fine........

 

[texan_slant]

You never indicated that you wanted to go out with Billy's ex, but just hang out with him as friends...correct?

The situation is more sensitive if you foresaw that maybe there was going to be a connection that led to going out with him.

Either way, this is entirely your choice, but if it were me, and if the time seemed right, I would casually mention it to your best friend if it keeps making you feel uncomfortable - most especially if this led to going out with him.

He's got to deal with it either way.

This would be the courtesy that I would do if it were me, though on the other hand, you TECHNICALLY owe your best friend no explanation.

 

[matt1980111]

Thanks a lot for the advice guys. I really do appreciate it. Just to make it clear, I have no romantic feelings for Jack at all. We just get along really well.

I am still not sure what I will do. There's a lot of background that I haven't included in this story that really adds to the thickness of all the drama. Billy and I haven't been as close recently and the reason I think we still are is based around nostaglia. But I am a loyal person and even though we are not as close as we used to be, I still think it's something I should tell him. But I know how he'll react and I don't want to deal with all the drama that I'm sure he's bound to create.

So with all that being said, I still find mysel at point A. Confused and slightly irritated.

 

[MoltenRock III]

Go out with him. Date him. Fuck him. Whatever.

You're hanging onto "Billy" like a used tampon anyway, so it's best to move on, and you are your own person.

 

[bankside]

Why is one of your best friends a bit of a prick? Don't worry about Jack so much, what's the deal with Billy?

 

[tipmyscales86]

Does Jack want to get back with Billy? He could be using you as infiltration to get back with Billy if that's the case. But if you like him personally and feel you could trust him as a friend, go for it.

 

[FunFunk]

Ok. So it seems that I've gotten myself into a sticky situation. And I'm not really sure what to do. It's a little long but I'm really torn up about it.

One of my best friends ('Billy') and I have been friends for quite some time now (about 5 years). We've been really close. I consider him to be the little brother I never had. However lately we've been growing apart. And it's no one's fault. It's just life. He lives over an hour away and we both work. So time together is sparse.

Well, here comes the problem. He recently broke up with his boyfriend ('Jack'). They broke up earlier this year (around Feb.) but then got back together. They tried again is August but broke up in Sept. Billy has a long history of going through men like crazy. And after these break-ups, I've stopped talking to all his boyfriends. I thought that's what a true friend does.

Well, Jack has recently contacted me and says that he wants to be friends. Of the boyfriends Billy has had, Jack is the only one that I actually have liked. So I agreed. Well, we've only talked twice since they've broken up but now Jack's talking about coming to see me and our other friends (who don't really like Billy).

Now I'm turn. I like Jack and I want to hang out with him. So does our other friends. But I know Billy will most likely be upset to find out that Jack's coming to see me.

Part of me feels that Billy can't control who I am friends with. But I'm sure that if I were in Billy's shoes (which would be really hard, to be completely honest, Billy is a bit of a prick), I don't think I'd be pleased. What should I do?

There really shouldn't be any ramification for being friends with Jack. In fact, you can even start to date Jack, if the chemistry develops, and you would not owe Billy any kind of explanation or feeling of guilt. A third party (in this case Billy) cannot choose who you have relations with or what kind of relations you have with them. To be honest, it seems, from your description, that Billy can be somewhat difficult in general and that you're expecting your growing friendship with Jack to become a problem for Billy. But that would be Billy's problem, not yours.

 

[Ninja108]

To put it bluntly, you have the right to be friends with whomever you want or date whomever you want, and so does Jack.
Someone who tells you otherwise isn't a friend...he's a control freak.

 

[Seasoned]

I'm surprised by the lack of loyalty expressed in these replies. If I broke up with someone I wouldn't expect any of my friends to pick him up as a friend. Go for it if you're ready to drop Billy. If not, you need a discussion with Billy. Keep in mind that exes do get back together.

 

[matt1980111]

^soreknees, I never read your reply until today when I looked for this particular thread.

Boy, do I have an update for you guys! Seriously...this shit is crazy. And long. So please bare with me.

Well last time I updated, I asked for help because I didn't know what to do. I was friends with Billy and thinking about being friends with Jack, Billy's ex-boyfriend.

Well, I decided to go ahead and be friends with Jack. Billy was fine with it. Everything was great. Jack decided that he wanted to come and visit with me and friends for my birthday.

This is where things start getting fishy. I introduced Jack to one of my other friends Steven. After talking to Jack for awhile, I must admit that I did infact start to have feelings for him. I couldn't help it; he's just so frickin adorable. I would later learn that this a pattern for him.

Anyway, I let Steven know this..

At this point, Steven had yet to meet Jack so I introduced them over Skype (I figured what the hell? They're going to be spending time together, they might as well meet). Well after like 15 minutes, Steven decided that he had a crush on Jack too (I wasn't too happy with this but it was ok. Jack is pretty damn awesome. I can see why anyone would want him. Hell, I liked him!)

In planning the trip (for my birthday), I invited Steven, Jack, Billy and a few other friends. This was my first mistake. I should have cancelled the trip once I found out Steven had a little thing for Jack. But I didn't. I thought I was being a good friend.

As I said earlier, none of my other friends really care for Billy. But I invited him anyway because I felt that it would be unfair to invite Jack without inviting Billy.

My next mistake was telling Billy about my feelings (and Steven's feelings) for Jack. I just needed someone to talk to. I was feeling really low and I knew I had no chance at all with Jack so...I just needed someone to talk to.

I told Billy not to say anything about it because I wasn't sure how I was going to handle the situation. I needed to figure out how to deal with it all. The first chance Billy had, he told Jack! I was beyond mad.

This isn't the first time that Billy has done something like this. He said he did it to see if there were anyway possible that Jack would be into me...but I know that's complete bullshit. Why?

Here's the kicker: Billy and Jack have gotten back together. Somehow telling Jack that I liked him turned into telling Jack that he wanted to get back together with him.

I feel used. Everyone involved used me to get what they wanted. Steven used me to get to Jack and both Jack and Billy used me to get to each other.

I'm so upset. I don't know how to handle this. I don't want anything to do with any of them but I still care. Know what I mean? I don't know everything that happened and I can't really trust them to tell me the truth...but...I just wish I can take the entire weekend back.

How do I move on from this?

 

[anchihiro]

Simple, just dont be friends with Billy anymore. He's a flake and he uses people.

 

[str8guy]

ya dude...do you your a grown ass man and if you think jack is a good dude then chill with him. ...if billy cant handle that then he needs to take a look at himself...no reason you shouldn't hang with some you like bc someone else is a prick...hope it all works out

 

[sixthson]

Do you really enjoy all this drama in your life? It's so junior high. Sounds like you need all new friends...adult ones.

 

[landers]

Lol, this happened to me too, well sorta. I dated two guys who themselves used to date, but I didn't know it when I started dating #2. I found out a few weeks later that #1 and #2 had been on again/off again for about a year before finally calling it quits. I broke up with #2 a month before my birthday, but as I was still friends with #1 and #2 and wanted them both to come to my birthday, they agreed to meet and see if they could patch things up enough for my birthday. Instead they decided to get back together, which was pretty devastating as I wasn't completely over #2.

#1 and #2 broke up a week after my birthday, and Billy and Jack will probably be off again soon. The question you have to ask yourself is, "do I want to stay friends with either of them?" Personally I'd probably ditch Billy the prick and talk to Jack before deciding his fate.

 

[matt1980111]

sixthson...no, I really don't. I got caught up in trying to be a good friend (imo) and was too chickenshit to tell people how I really felt. I was too chickenshit to actually do what I wanted to do because I was worried about how it would effect everyone else...when no one gave me the same courtesy.

Well, I talked to Jack this morning. I told him exactly how I felt. Now I feel incredibly foolish. All this drama...for nothing. Everything was way blown out of proportion.

What will I do? Well like I said, I've talked to Jack. He says he wants to be friends but to be completely honest, I doubt if we ever talk again.

I've talked to Steven (who is an emotional wreck) and he still wants to be friends. We probably still will be.

I have yet to talk to Billy. I know I have to but I'm not looking forward to it.

I think I'll take lander's advice and drop his ass. Eventhough Jack tried to tell me that he doesn't think Billy used me...I don't believe that for a second. I know he did.

Jack keeps saying that they aren't together...but Billy broke up with his bf for Jack. That says a lot. Which actually is besides the point. I couldn't care less if they got back together.

I just felt like I was used to get what they wanted. And I kinda sorta still feel that way. But it's not as a big a deal. Now after all of this, I've learned a very valuable lesson.

 

[altlover85]

Well, I talked to Jack this morning. I told him exactly how I felt. Now I feel incredibly foolish. All this drama...for nothing. Everything was way blown out of proportion.

What will I do? Well like I said, I've talked to Jack. He says he wants to be friends but to be completely honest, I doubt if we ever talk again.

How was everything blown out of proportion?

I just felt like I was used to get what they wanted. And I kinda sorta still feel that way. But it's not as a big a deal. Now after all of this, I've learned a very valuable lesson.

I'm glad you learned something from this and I'm sorry it had to happen to you.

 

[future_retro]

My advice is to chill out, this is not the end of the world, it's just some silly/immature happenings between friends. I'd drop Jack, don't bother to be friends with him anymore. Be friendly if you see him around, that's it. Stay friends with Billy if you want, but realise that he has his limitations and isn't exactly a reliable friend. And maybe put some effort into finding some more decent/nice/reliable friends.

 

[hungrybrownbear]

Goodness gracious! For you own good, find new friends please! Heck... I'll be your friend!