Hard relationship with a bisexual guy

[kickmyass]

hi guys, i dont know what to expect from my strange relationship with a bisexual guy. we met on internet from a gay website and then we met in person. he is actually the most sweet guy i have ever met and he is such an awesome guy, the only thing is he is shy to let people know that he is a bisexual.

i live with him in a shared flat from past one and half year and trust me he is the sweetest guy that i know. we had sex first time and then he waited almost for an year to have sex with me again, that one year was horrible for me as i am totally in love with him and cudnt do anything except think of him all the time.when i asked him in between if he wants to have sex with me, he dint wanted to all the time. luckily this year begining he asked me if i want to have sex with him and we did couple of times now.

i told him many times that i love him madly. but he told me he cant be in relationship and he can never imagine himself being in a relationship, besides he also likes girls. he is not into gay scene and he wont be too from what i know about him.

i know iam asking for a lil too much but i would really like to have a proper relation. he is even scared to hug me or kiss me outside the bedroom. also when we have visitors, he is scared to have sex with me saying if they find out, it wont be good. he also knows that its a lil stupid to be scared of people finding out but he says he cant help it and in public we are good friends and be like friends, no physical contact but on bed he is amazing.

as of now iam confused if i should come out to my parents(they are conservative and religious and very society concerned). i dont know about my own situation and so iam not confident enough to let them know about me. i dont know if i have to wait like this and suffer myself. previously i have tried suicide attempts as i am really obsessed about him. the one year when i had to wait for him to have sex with me, it was horrible, i really cant explain how miserable i felt.

infact his parents, his sister, his friends love me crazily and he also tells me that iam so sweet that everybody loves me but why cant he be in love?well may be he is in love with me and thats why he lives with me and talks to me about evrything but thers some fear in him to be in relationship. why is it so hard for western individualistic people to be in relationships? i mean why do people get scared to committ to only one person if not for the life time atleast for few years? i dont think i will be able to hold on longer if this continues. any similar experiences or any advises?

 

[kickmyass]

forgot to tell one more thing. he is so sweet that he married me for my visa sake and he dint expect even single cent for that. infact he helps to do almost everything and make me independant. and here iam worrying that he doesnt love me, guess theres something worng with me.
i have no clue.

 

[texan_slant]

I dunno what to tell you except that if he isn't ready for a relationship, you kind of have to make the choice whether or not you want to put your life on hold, or start dating or meet more people.

That doesn't mean that you shouldn't be friends with him, but don't put your life on hold for something that might not happen if he's not ready. Also, it might be too emotionally hard to share a flat, would you consider changing your living arrangements? Perhaps getting your own space *might* make him realize what he really wants.

I hope it works out for you - both of you actually seem like you deserve each other.

 

[kickmyass]

I dunno what to tell you except that if he isn't ready for a relationship, you kind of have to make the choice whether or not you want to put your life on hold, or start dating or meet more people.

That doesn't mean that you shouldn't be friends with him, but don't put your life on hold for something that might not happen if he's not ready. Also, it might be too emotionally hard to share a flat, would you consider changing your living arrangements? Perhaps getting your own space *might* make him realize what he really wants.

I hope it works out for you - both of you actually seem like you deserve each other.

Hmm thanks texan slant. well the problem with living arrangement is that legally we have to be in the same flat. also he told me before that it could be hard for me and i realised it too but sometimes its a lil more harder than i expected.


actually he is away from me now for almost 3 weeks and we wont see eachother for atleast 2 more months as he is travelling in far far lands. as of now he seems sweet, we talk over phone atleast once in 3 days and exchange mails and as of i know he hasnt met any other guy for fun till now.

 

[Kulindahr]

Wow.
I can't even imagine what I'd do in that situation. I'm usually not at a loss for advice, but you've got a batch of tangled issues there and my mind just keeps circling from one point to the next without finding a spot to make a beginning.

Just one thing comes to mind: how do you feel about the option of sharing a bed without any commitment to sex?

 

[drhladnjak]

I know this isn't what you want to hear, but it has to be said. He isn't the right guy for you, he's not into you and he will never be into you. Stay with him and you'll continue to be hurt. You deserve somebody who doesn't want to wait a year to have sex with you, who's willing to live his life openly and who isn't going to painfully string you along like this.

If you can't accept that the most you'll be is friends, you need to find a way out of that apartment, even if it means losing your Lebenspartnerschaft legal status. It's not worth the torture this is all inflicting on your life. Maybe you can use the two months he'll be gone to figure out an alternate plan to stay in Germany like starting a course of study? Or maybe it's time to go back home (India?) for a while until you can find a new way to get back to Europe?

 

[G-Lexington]

He's set the parameters. He'll live with you, he'll hang out with you, he may even have sex with you from time to time. But he's not interested, or willing, to have a full-fledged relationship with you. You can have him as a friend and occasional fuck-buddy, but not as a full-on boyfriend. Of course, you can stick around and hope he changes his mind, but you may be waiting in vain for quite some time. You can't "make" him love you, no matter how nice, naughty, friendly, or annoying you act.

Given this, it's up to you whether you want to stick around and hope for the best, or pursue something else.

Lex

 

[Eagle653]

People above have hit the nail on the head: He's not willing to commit to you, because he's too afraid of his own sexuality, and also probably because he's living under a fantasy that the Perfect Woman will come along that turn off any feelings for male-to-male sex that he has now.

We all know that's absurd, but it does leave you stuck. Unfortunately, you can't help who you fall in love with, but you're going to need to muster the strength to pull away from him and this situation. As long as you stay in this relationship, it will be agonizingly frustrating--he simply cannot give you want YOU need and want, and you deserve what you need too.

Good luck to you. He's bound to live a very unhappy life himself, until he figures out he can't have it all. Don't get caught in the trap of fooling yourself into thinking he'll change. Until he realizes that he has to make up his mind, and be comfortable with himself, he's going to leave emotional turmoil in his wake with whomever he gets involved with.

 

[kickmyass]

hmmmm thats really hitting a nail in my head. i can see why you guys wrote that, but its harder to do that and leave him away. i guess you guys can realise that.

but good that you guys wrote that so that atleast now i have a lil different view of my situation and whats happening with me, cause you know when you are into the situation, its only one sided view.

let me see, i am travelling to india in 2 months and would meet him again. lets see what happens then and how things develop. hope he has a lil more better understanding of himself or as some of wrote, may be just my imagination.

thanks guys for giving me a lil more insights into my situation.