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Hardest thing ever

C

closetcck87

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Going to a small conservative school, being closeted is the hardest thing ever. I want more than anything to get out of this lifestlye and to be the person I have always wanted to be. I am a straight acting gay guy who just wants to be accepted by anyone. I have never told anyone, nor will I probably tell. Is it this hard to be gay everywhere in the country, or is it just in the south?
 
I might suggest, closet, that from what you said about never telling anyone, it's you who has more of a problem with it than many of the people around you. :(

*hug* Accepting and loving yourself is the first step. After you do that, then you might start worrying about how to live it.
 
i don't have a problem with it. i really just cannot imagine being judged daily. i want more than anything to be who i am. i just want more than anything to feel comfortable to be that person and here, i jst don't think i can. i hear comments daily about this lifestyle and i know it is not the time for me to come out. i need to go somewhere where it is more accepted, because i just don't think the south is the place.
 
closetcck87 said:
i don't have a problem with it. i really just cannot imagine being judged daily. i want more than anything to be who i am. i just want more than anything to feel comfortable to be that person and here, i jst don't think i can. i hear comments daily about this lifestyle and i know it is not the time for me to come out. i need to go somewhere where it is more accepted, because i just don't think the south is the place.
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So when can you get the heck out of there?
 
Hi there

First of all, welcome to JUB and thanks for posting (*8*)

I know you're feeling very alone and isolated right now but I want you to know what you're going through is typical and similar to what so many of us have experienced

I don't know much about where you're from. It can be tough to be gay and living in a small communnity. Since you're in school it may be difficult to change things for a while, however you've found us and I hope you'll stick around. Read the forums, post, get to know some of your fellow JUBers and soon you won't feel so alone. Once you become more comfortable with yourself you can make plans to shape the future - on your terms

I wish you enough

(*8*)
 
Why do you seem so fatalistic? I have lived 20 years in the South as an out proud gay man. I was born in Georgia, raised in Alabama, and have lived in Arkansas & Texas.

Yes, there are those people out there who do not think it is right, shit, my own mother tells me I'm going to hell.

But you know what? Most people I've encoutered in my life were accepting, at least on some level, and I have lived a free and uninhibited life.

And please don't use that phrase, "I'm a straight acting guy." If you were straight acting, you would be straight. Just be masculine, and yourself, and the rest will fall in place.
 
ahotjock71 said:
Why do you seem so fatalistic? I have lived 20 years in the South as an out proud gay man. I was born in Georgia, raised in Alabama, and have lived in Arkansas & Texas.

Yes, there are those people out there who do not think it is right, shit, my own mother tells me I'm going to hell.

But you know what? Most people I've encoutered in my life were accepting, at least on some level, and I have lived a free and uninhibited life.

And please don't use that phrase, "I'm a straight acting guy." If you were straight acting, you would be straight. Just be masculine, and yourself, and the rest will fall in place.
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you're pretty harsh. honestly i think it is ok to say straight acting for me, because i am and that is who i am being. myself. i just have gay feelings. thanks a lot for the encouraging words brian. and also, i don't mean to sound so fatalistic, but you can't really call me fatalistic until you walk in my shoes. if you only knew the family i have grown up in, and the school i am out. i love it here, but it is probably the most conservative school in the country. gay people are NOT really accepted, nor tolerated.
 
closet, I know you say you are okay with being gay, it's just the area you live in, and I don't know what all the variables are that made you go to your current school, but is it possible that one of the reasons you chose such a conservative school, one which you had to have known would not be very accepting of gays, was because it was a way of delaying having to be who you are? Is your conservative school, and staying in an area that is bigoted, perhaps your way of having something to blame for why you can't just start being yourself?

I'm just putting the question out there. Many people, as soon as they get the freedom to get away from their restrictive environment, RUN as fast as they can to an area that would be more accepting. If you can't do that right now, then I would encourage you to do it as soon as you graduate from there...or as soon as you're ready to actually live as a gay man, whichever comes first.

*hug*
 
Perhaps you should consider transfering to another school in a more accepting location.
 
G'day Closet,

Welcome to JUB mate!!! Its great to have you on board!!

closetcck87 said:
and also, i don't mean to sound so fatalistic, but you can't really call me fatalistic until you walk in my shoes. if you only knew the family i have grown up in, and the school i am out.
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Mate... believe it or not others have walked in your shoes. Others have said exactly the same thing. Others have said worse. You aren't the first one to feel this way and nor will you be the last... take some comfort in knowing that we hear you, we understand you - we have been where you are.

Usually the pressure we feel is what we impose on ourselves, and usually the fear of judgment as well.

It doesn't matter where you live or go to college there will always be ignorant people who will incorrectly judge and assume to know you. Just as there will be a far larger group of people, and most importantly the people close to you...who love you and care for you... that wont. Those things will never change.

You can worry a lifetime away feeling concern over what others will think of you... we all do it to a certain degree... its a natural thing to want to be accepted and loved for who you are. And you will be by those important in your life. Those who know the real you, the complex and amazing guy that you are.

Theres no magic place where being gay is accepted. Theres no place where ignorance or close mindedness doesn't exist. Theres only places filled with people too self absorbed to worry about you...

Being accepted is not about being gay. Being accepted is about you. Your qualities, your nature, your ability to love and care. Your sense of humor, your values and your integrity. Being gay is just another part of you another piece of you. And you will always be surrounded by people who care enough and think enough of you to look past that.

Dont spend your life waiting for it to get easier or for a place that doesn't really exist. You're a valuable incredible guy whos hiding himself from the world. Hiding his true soul and his true worth. Dont stop yourself being all you can be.

Only you can decide when you'll be you. The real you. And the sooner you do that the sooner you'll be the incredible open unlimited guy that you are. Just have faith in yourself and who you are to believe that those around you will see that too.
 
closetcck87 said:
you're pretty harsh. honestly i think it is ok to say straight acting for me, because i am and that is who i am being. myself. i just have gay feelings. thanks a lot for the encouraging words brian. and also, i don't mean to sound so fatalistic, but you can't really call me fatalistic until you walk in my shoes. if you only knew the family i have grown up in, and the school i am out. i love it here, but it is probably the most conservative school in the country. gay people are NOT really accepted, nor tolerated.
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I'm sorry you think common sence is being harsh, it's not, you're just reading it that way. I'm just keepin' it real. You won't find pity in my posts, just a sharing of my experiences and the truth.

I cannot accept your argument that I have not known the kind of family you have nor the kind of school you go to, because I have, and I do.

If you read my post again, I grew up in Alabama. What more validation do you need that I can relate to your experience? Most of my family are Pentecostal. Believe me, I can relate.

I attended Auburn University, at a time when there was no gay & lesbian union on campus, and it seemed every redneck fratboy was out to get me. But it was mostly in my mind. I ended up only knowing 5 gay people at Auburn before I left, and being gay at Auburn is still a feared reality, even with all the openness and the fact that there is a gay & lesbian union now.

I agree with others that there are deeper issues at play here than just your surroundings. You argue that you are straight acting. Again, straight acting men are straight. Accept the fact that you can be a masculine gay man, and don't have to hide behind the straight acting phrase. Again, I'm not being mean, just real.

Once you are comfortable with yourself you will see the wisdom in the advice that others have posted that when you accept yourself, others opinions do not change who you are, and you will not care, because people who really care about you will accept you just the way you are.
 
Any man who cares more about being liked and accepted than he does about being true to himself is eventually going to find himself in a situation that should be terrific but is instead the "hardest thing ever."

Buying into the pretense that being liked is somehow connected to happiness is at the base of a lot of miserable lives.

If you're liked because you're good at pretending to be someone you're not, that's ultimately empty. Being liked for who you really are, that's happiness.
 
NickCole said:
Any man who cares more about being liked and accepted than he does about being true to himself is eventually going to find himself in a situation that should be terrific but is instead the "hardest thing ever."

Buying into the pretense that being liked is somehow connected to happiness is at the base of a lot of miserable lives.

If you're liked because you're good at pretending to be someone you're not, that's ultimately empty. Being liked for who you really are, that's happiness.
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Well said, very well put.
 
I know it sounds like none of know what you're going through. The fact is, most of us here are on the other side of it now. Even those of us with accepting parents in liberal cities worried about the ramifications of coming out. And I'll tell you this: I don't know any gay person who found the process as hard (or harder) than s/he envisioned it to be. NOT ONE. This isn't to mean it's always easy, or that you won't run into resistance, or that you won't lose friends by doing so. But it always seems to end up running smoother than everybody expected it might. Perhaps we always envision the worst.

If you're committed to your school, and are absolutely positive that life would be hell there if you came out, then you're indeed in a bit of a bind. You're gonna have to stay in that closet for another year-plus. That's a tough decision to make. And you don't even have to make it now. If you feel more comfortable in there for now, that's fine. Bide your time, come here when you need some "gay talk". But know that coming out is always an option.

But I'll agree with the other posts on at least one point. You will NOT be accepted by everyone. Nobody is - gay or straight. But it would appear that the vast majority of people don't care who you take to bed. They'll judge you on your merits, not on your orientation.

Lex
 
Hi closetcck87 and welcome :wave:

Have you checked into any possible gay venues outside of campus? A GLBT association or some social net?

Failing that and while you remain in an environment that you feel uncomfortable in, remember that there are others just like you stuck in the same school, so don't go sitting in your room by yourself. Go out and find them.

Take advantage of the sports and social facilities on campus, have some fun and get to know people outside of a sexual context... and keep your eyes open for any guys that shows some interest in you. ;)
 
Closetcck87, to be honest you are being judged daily and are not accepted in certain segments of society. That's life.

The fact that you're not out makes no difference as you know you're gay and being judged.

This you cannot change and I know it sounds simplistic but the only thing you can control is your own reactions.

It probably feels like you're the only one in the world with this dilema but trust me - you're not.

Personally, I don't live openly gay and those who I am "out" to ( best friend, Father and a few others) are cool with it so it does help to be open with some people.

I guess what I'm saying is; choose your path, be happy with it but keep in mind that everyone's situation is unique to them. What works for one may not work for another.
 
So far I have found the South fairly accepting of gays. Of course the larger the city, the more accepting they generally are. I think the issue is much larger in you mind than in reality. That's the good news. Now all you have to do is work on making your expectations match reality. Yes, when you come out people will talk. Of course some are probably already talking about you anyway. People are going to talk, there's not much you can do about it. Your coming out will be yesterday's news before you know it. Good luck!
 
closetcck87 i can relate...
and i know how you feel, how people are like OMG IF YOU ARE NOT OUT, IT MEANS YOU DONT ACCEPT YOURSELF. or like, IF YOU ARE NOT OUT, YOU ARE HIDING FROM YOUR TRUESELF.
and making you into thinking that you should be ashamed for being in the closet, its really annoying.
but being gay is not who you are, you are you, and everything that makes up you, liking men is just apart of that, so how are you hiding from your true identity if you are not out? the only thing you are pretending is your attraction towards women.
but who are they to judge? they are not you, they dont live in the community you are in, they dont know what kind of people surround you, there are some countries where they kill gay people, its so ignorant.

so if you get anything from reading my post, dont feel ashamed or guilty for not being out, its not your fault. society havnt matured....yet.
 
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