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Has Being "Ugly" Helped You Stay In the Closet Longer?

  • Thread starter Thread starter Oden_grey
  • Start date Start date
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Oden_grey

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Well, there are many levels of ugliness. The two I concentrate most on here will be personality and physical ugliness. I've never really been hit on by people so much of my life I believed I was ugly... until now... where I've learned to come to terms with my God-given visage. In terms of personality, I suppose I'm more beautiful than ugly... no one I know has anything bad to say about that trait of mine.

Now how does this all tie into being in the closet? I think it comes down to the fact that good looking guys may be pressured to enter relationships with girls while those guys are still coming to terms with their own sexuality. I guess, in that sense, good looking men are forced to quickly come to terms with their homosexuality when they experience the sheer bitter unhappiness of "living a lie". On the other hand an unattractive person may be single by social default... that is, society doesn't question the reason why a man may be single because ugliness may be the obvious reason. Certainly, if one has an "ugly" personality, single status may also be assumed.

When single status is assumed for the reasons of unattractiveness and/or bad personalities, then the question of homosexuality rarely comes to pass. However, if an attractive person remains single, we as a society tend to wonder if the person is gay.
 
that does make some sense. social pressure would be greater when someone looks like a good bachelor, but i'm sure other things come into play too. you'd have to have a bit of self-esteem to be out, and that would work against the ugly thing, since self-esteem tends to be greater in people who find themselves to be at least a little attractive. in summary,

OUTNESS = (self-esteem + supportive family + gay-safe environment) / (physical unattractiveness + personality unattractiveness)

of course, trying to make any equation like that is foolish, cuz the idea is so complex and there are way too many issues that come into play.

also, the word ugly is really harsh. eek.
 
This is a very interesting post, Oden. I have to say I never really considered it before. I am still in the closet, and people don't ask me if I'm gay for not having a girlfriend. I never considered that it had anything to do with the fact that I'm an average looking guy. I'm not sure I totally agree, but I think you there is a point to be made. I have some very attractive *straight* friends who people call gay behind their backs because they don't have girlfriends - like if you are attractive and single then women can't get enough of you so clearly you have to be gay for not dating any. I can't wait to read what others think on this!!
 
elvin1 said:
Nope...I think I'm not that attractive and I came out very young....In terms of personality, I'd like to think I'm a nice guy but I'm really shy in person..
Click to expand...

Was your outing a matter of course or necessity? In absence of a person's folks finding gay porn under their mattress that a person can stay in the closet a bit longer without rumors spreading.
 
Hmm...

I've always considered myself attractive, still do, although not Brad Pitt quality. When I look back on pictures of myself in college ... whatta little hottie I was! I didn't think of myself that way, though; once I overheard a woman friend of my mother's say "he's SO cute, and the cutest thing is he doesn't even realize it!"

So yeah, during my teens, 20s, and on, I had girls pursue me from time to time ... sometimes I realized it; most of the time I didn't until a friend pointed it out. That's how clueless I was. And during those years I wasn't boffing guys (although I knew I was physically attracted to them).

I've been perceived as gay here and there, off and on, by certain people (who are more perceptive) my whole life, particularly when I was younger.

But I thought of myself as bisexual all along, until just a few years ago. I've always had such an easy time making friends with girls, more so than with most guys, that I thought not being attracted to girls, and not having crushes on them, was a function of not having met just the right girl. It wasn't until I fell in love for the first time at age 35, with a guy, that I realized my physical attraction to men was more than just a kink.

So I would say that in my case, realizing I was gay so late wasn't a function of being unattractive, or having a bad personality. It's more a function of being an easygoing person who'd rather have bamboo shoved under his fingernails than cause trouble for people I love, and taking years of working through the confusion and denial.
 
Some very logical things written here thus far...

We live in a very aesthically pleasing society these days, don't we?

That we want, nay need, a man who's 6'2, 160 pounds, jacked/cut/ripped/musclar/whatever...With a gorgeous face, 8 inch cock and perfect smile.


Wow, that sets the bar ridiculously high!


I'm going to preach for a bit, so consider this fair warning. Allow me to tell you all a little bit about love back in the OLD days...

I'm talking really old, back when dinosaurs still roamed the earth...Well, they were dying out, but some were still there.

When a woman, yes I know bad example but it still works and as far as we know there might have been gay cavemen, was choosing a mate: What did she go for?

Did she go for the most aesthically pleasing?

NO!

She went for the biggest, baddest, mutha-fucka who could swing a club. He could weigh 250 pounds and be rounder than a bowling ball, but if he could take out a rampaging wolly mammoth, she was his.

Let's move forward in history a bit, shall we...

Middle Ages.

Plump was in! If you were fat, it was a sign not only of your wealth but your good health. Go and find some real photos of Catherine the Great or Marie Antoinette! Neither of them were particually small looking women, but they were considered quite beautiful for their day and age!


And not to mention their faces...IF they could actually make Kirsten Dunst really look like Marie Antoinette, you'd hardly recognize her!

I'm not sure how or when this conception of beauty changed, but my guess would be about the same time the media began to come into it's prevalence.

Now, to the part that actually concerns me!


I've never considered myself overly attractive, I'd say I'm average looking if not slightly worse.

Being as such, staying in the closet is easy because why put yourself out there if you know already you'll be rejected?
 
There might be some truth in it. Frankly, dunno?

I have never had complaints in the looks dept. I also kept myself trim and in a reasonably good shape ever since my very early teenage years.

I have led a life of blatant debauchery and enjoyed every bit of it.

Yup, at some point of time, I felt a certain pressure to come out and whatever.

By that time (I was 18 or 19), I was already very much used to standing up to all kinds of pressure. My ole folks were good at that.

So, nope. I decided, I would be calling shots, if and when I choose to do so.

And so, it happened:)

SC
 
I'd always thought I'd be happier if I was a bit better looking.

but in the end.. you make what you have work for you...
 
The question I must ask is who decides what is attractive and what is ugly? I agree that we do live in aesthetically pleasing country these days, and I wonder if that has made people who do not feel so "hot" to become more self-conscious. Most of my friends (guys and girls) are attractive people which makes me feel less attractive because I'm average... in MY mind... which brings up another point - we are our own worst critics! I don't think i'm an attractive guy although others would object, and I'm sure many of us here think about ourselves similarly. So... who are we being compared to to establish whether or not a person is "hot" or "ugly"???
 
I don't consider myself attractive at all, although I would be better looking if I lost some of my weight, but thats neither here nor there right now.

Two of my friends in highschool who were both gay and myself all came out around the same time (I would say within a year or so) in college. We all are somewhat different, but the other two guys, especially one of them is very attractive, and I dont think that put any pressure on him at all.

We did go to a different sort of highschool though (very liberal private school) so everyone did what they wanted to do more or less.
 
The_Reaper said:
I'm not sure how or when this conception of beauty changed, but my guess would be about the same time the media began to come into it's prevalence.
Click to expand...

It's a little off-topic, but this didn't necessarily change with the rise of media.

For most of human history, it was only the wealthy who could afford to overeat, do little physical labor (they had servants) and remain pale (by staying inside with their servants doing that tough outdoor work). Consequently, the hard to obtain ideal was to be a plump, fair skinned couch potato. Interestingly, at this same time sports were something that only children and the wealthy took part in.

Flash forward to our time with a completely different ideal. For men, it's having a hot body with a good tan. For women, it's having a thin body with a good tan. Because so many people work long hours indoors and often in sedentary jobs, it's hard to go to the gym regularly and hard to either sun yourself outside. Getting those six-pack abs requires serious devotion. The hard to obtain ideal has become completely different because the way we live today has changed.

People always want what's hard to achieve.
 
yes, ugliness can help you stay in the closet longer, but only if you let it. i'll use myself as an example.

yes, beauty is relatively defined and, yes, people are thier own worst critics; but as a man that has NEVER been asked out and NEVER been hit on despite spending many hours in gay clubs, gay charities, gay organizations, etc. , i can conclusively say that i'm not the most attractive creature out there.

self esteem issues aside: i have NEVER been asked, not even once, why i don't have a girlfriend; or have been assumed to have had a girlfriend; or even been asked about my sexuality.

assuming that others don't assume that i'm gay
(and judging from the surprised reactions i get when i actually do tell them, it's a fairly safe assumption)
i can come to one conclusion: the issue of your sexuality isn't in question when it seems that your opportunities to express your sexuality doesn't seem as likely or as common.

that's putting it mildly, i'll say it in simpler terms: if you're ugly, people understand why you don't have a girlfriend.... or atleast they think they understand why you don't have a girlfriend.

so how can you tell if you're ugly? if you've EVER been commented on your looks from someone you DON'T know personally, then you're not ugly. if, however, your mom's the ONLY person on god's green earth to EVER use the word handsome and your name in the same sentence, then i got bad news for you.

have hope, though, because if you truly are ugly then there are ways to attract guys.... i'll let you know what they are as soon as i find out for myself.
 
I don't get asked out or hit on, but this thread seems too complex to really give a educated answer. I guess the dumb guy has spoken.
 
My sexuality never comes up because no one of either sex would even consider seeing me in a romantic light.
 
Doctorsun, i think i have same problem you do. I'm too much a brother/sidekick combo.
 
Gosh, I was in the closet for years, and I'm incredibly hot. I don't know what you're talking about....
 
Oden_grey said:
On the other hand an unattractive person may be single by social default... that is, society doesn't question the reason why a man may be single because ugliness may be the obvious reason.
Click to expand...
This is so spot-on for me.

*buuhuuuhuuu*

*locks up himself in the toilet with a handkerchief*

:-({|=
 
Christopherb36 said:
Ugliness...nope...brainwashed, religion and social acceptance...yes.
Click to expand...

I'm not doubting that religion and social acceptance are part of the reasons why people stay in the closet, but my question asks IF one chooses to stay in the closet, does unattractiveness make it easier.
 
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