Have I lost the ability to love?

[MrBubulino]

Here's something I haven't told anyone because most of the time I like to pretend I'm ok. I want to share this with you guys because I've seen how supportive and helpful you are sometimes.
Lately, I've been feeling kind of emotionally numb. I date guys, I have sex, I even share nice sweet moments with guys I like, but I haven't felt warm inside my chest in a long time.

Probably, the reason is that I don't trust men anymore.

It all started after I broke up with my boyfriend (let's call him Stan), whom I had been with for almost three years. Stan is the kind of guy who always has to be right and you always have to pay attention to him. But I loved him and I loved spoiling him. Our break up was terrible for me, but soon I got over it and a few months later I started dating again. I felt great about myself, I was free.

One day he showed up at my door telling me that we needed to talk. He said he missed me, that he knew he had been wrong and he would change. I realized I had built up all these walls to protect myself from missing him, from thinking of him, and when he came back I had to bring them down. So I was vulnerable, unprotected... He promised me he wouldn't hurt me anymore. I believed him and (of course) he hurt me. A couple days later he said he had a boyfriend and he didn't want to leave him to be with me, and he was sorry he even talked to me again. I felt betrayed. I stopped talking to him, I stopped seeing him.

My best friend, Tom, helped me so much during this time. He became my confident, I trusted him like I didn't trust anybody else. And he fell in love with me. I didn't want anything to happen, because he was my best friend! But after two months of his asking me to be with him, I accepted and I gave 100% of my love to him. As soon as we started to go out, he changed. He became jealous, over-protective, he didn't want me to go out with friends but then he cheated on me... He made me feel exactly like Stan made me feel. We broke up.




Now "broken heart" doesn't even make sense to me. I feel just an empty space. As if my heart has been ripped off. I can't believe I'm telling this, but sometimes I feel like I'm not worthy of being loved. Like... Stan and Tom made me feel like my love was wasted and now I just don't have anything left to give.

Now I don't feel pretty, I feel stupid for letting these guys treat me the way they did and I feel like I should just give up on relationships to avoid being hurt again.

How long is it going to last? Am I ever going to be able to love again?
Has it ever happened to you?? Please, tell me what you think.

 

[KaraBulut]

How long is it going to last?

It will last until you're ready to let it go and move on.

Am I ever going to be able to love again?

Of course.

Has it ever happened to you?? Please, tell me what you think.

It happens to everyone. It's part of the deal.

You can't control what you feel.

You can control what you do with those feelings.

When you were a kid, you didn't throw a ball perfectly the first time, you fell down and skinned your knees a lot and you probably fell off your bicycle more than a few times when you were learning to ride it, Why would you expect the rest of life to be any different? It's one of life's basic lessons: you fall down, you hurt for a while, you shed a few tears and then to take a deep breath and try it again.

When you're young, it's common to make some bad choices. It's common to get hurt a few times. It's common to think that you're never going to find love. That's what being young is all about.

As trite as it sounds, all that you can do is take a lesson from these situations. You learn to make better choices about people you date- maybe you choose the nice, cute guy with a heart of gold over the superhot guy that has a wandering eye. Maybe you choose to say, "Sorry, not falling for your bullshit again" the next time the ex shows up at your door with a sob story about how he's going to change. Maybe you choose to say, "I can do better that this and I am going to do better than this".

 

[altlover85]

I think it wasn't your fault that these shitty things happened. I would take a break from men, focus on the things that matter to you, and either get some counseling or talk through your feelings either with us or (preferably) with a trusted friend.

You will heal with time. You just have to know there are decent guys out there and that sometimes people hurt us without meaning to. If you can try and forgive these guys, you'll be a better man for it.

 

[MrBubulino]

Thank you guys, I really appreciate your advice.

 

[Willie Boy]

You have suffered two different losses in such a short time. You are in pain and hurting. I would suggest therapy in the form of support groups or something. Please be careful not to close yourself off from the world, be careful of possible depression. I'm not trying to scare you, I just don't want things to get worse.

 

[tipmyscales86]

I think altlover85 has some solid advice. Taking a break would be a good thing. Sometimes when there's deep feelings for another guy, you overlook or even justify the things they did to hurt you. Take the time to yourself to remember how valuable you are, get back in tune with your interests, and surround yourself with a good support group. After the proper time, and as you start to feel better about yourself, it'll be more clear to you that you deserve more than to be disrespected. I look back at some guys that I used to admire with total apathy now.

 

[MrBubulino]

thanks again I'll consider all these options.
I've tried to ignore the fact that sometimes I feel sad about nothing, but I don't want to feel depressed and I don't want this to keep happening.

I think I'll try talking to a friend or a psychologist about it.
I'm not as bad as to commit suicide or anything, but I certainly don't want to get there.