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Have I run out of emotion?

benno5693

benno5693

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Greetings friends! :)

There's no big story here or advice needed, per se, but have any of you ever felt that no matter what people say or do, you just don't really care? Kind of like an unlimited impartiality to life, if you like.

I mean, when my parents and I had heated words after I came out a month ago, there was a teeny weeny part inside my head that wanted to cry to show them that some of the things they were saying were hurtful ("The 'lifestyle' is disgusting", "I'm a disappointment" et al), but the rest told me to harden up, take it on the chin and basically ignore it - even if it is coming from my own parents.

How fun was it, then, when at a gathering whilst with my mother that the topic turn to marriage equality - where I was the only gay person (and everyone knew it)? Everybody proclaimed their support for the community in providing marriage equality and my mother was the only person that said it's not right and she said it with passion, sitting right next to me. Everyone expected me to breakdown, but I said "Fair enough".

There are a couple of other times as such, but they all end out the same, so I won't waste both of our time by typing it out.

An example of why I'm starting to feel a bit concerned is last night when I 'un-begrudgingly' had a puff of a spliff at a friends house (something of which I never wanted to do but don't plan on continuing! :P) and then after going to the club with my new found friends come home and lose my virginity to a guy that I'm not sure if I'm compatible or just content with - all without being nervous or anything like I was having my first kiss (with the same guy a month ago)!

Am I becoming reckless? Do you think that I need to see someone about everything? I just don't really know what's happen to be honest - I'm in a constant state of coming and going from Uni and home (not with my parents)...

Gah, I give up at writing, 2000 word report due tonight and I need some food, see you later! :)
 
I'd say you're shut down to protect yourself from being sad and hurt, but it's just a guess from half way around the world. The best thing about your story is your mother hearing the overwhelming support for same sex marriage.

Try to identify your feelings because people who shut down might move to risky behaviors just to try and feel something.
 
Interesting turn of events. I think I know what you mean, I sometimes feel "shut off" by certain things, but in my case, I feel that I am content with myself and my situation so when someone were to say something that may be hurtful...I ignore it! I also have high self-confidence, so I think that contributes.

The same sort of applies to the other stuff. If you yourself are comfortable with those actions and behaviors, then it seems there is nothing wrong. HOWEVER, if this is the way you choose to act, you do need to be safe. But there is a difference between being reckless and trying new things.

So with that I have some questions, which may help get you thinking. Were you comfortable with making those choices? Do you regret them? Especially with losing your virginity, were you completely comfortable with how that happened? Also, how old are you? Further...definitely consider what Seasoned has said.
 
First off, thank you for the replies, all input is helpful in me getting my head around things at the moment (not that I feel depressed or anything like that! haha)

Seasoned, as per usual your input is great and insightful, thank you for replying! :) I'd agree with the shut down to avoid pain comments - it does feel that way, but I think that for reasons in the next paragraph I actually think I'm slowly opening up again. I haven't done anything crazy, really, literally one puff of a spliff (which was enough to turn me off smoking period! :P) is the worst thing that I have done all this year - except for maybe loosing my virgin status! :D

elGeniuoso1721, thanks for the reply, the questions really do help me address my concerns, as it were. I'm 18 and I was comfortable with the puff of the spliff and also with losing my virginity - I told myself ages ago that I was going to wait for a full on relationship first, but after flirting with this guy, Chris, at the pre-club drinks and dinner at his place and at the club and with the previous experience with him (the kiss that amped me up to come out), I was soooo horny and felt ready that it just happened - having a drink or two in me probably made things easier, but I was still in control and was aware and let it happen.

Chris and I have known each other a month now and have been out a couple of times and have become really good friends in such a short time - I feel we might actually be compatible, but not sure if I am rushing or not. Oh, and did I mention he's 30? -_- That's the next thing on the agenda, but we're meeting up on Friday at some time to have a talk, so I'll report back on that! :P

I was comfortable with these choices too, and I definitely don't regret making them - although, I do wish his dick wasn't so thick that I wasn't turned off trying anal! Lol!

Anyway, enough ramblings, uni work calls once again (as always *rolls eyes), ciao! :)
 
As long as you are being mindful, then it seems there's little to worry about :) It's good that you had a good experience with your first time having sex. But yea, keep us posted!
 
At the risk of being contrary I'd say you're kind of fortunate. It's natural to feel a little shut-off in a stressful period. Some people, myself included, just tend to max out on how much heavy emotion they can handle and the natural response is to switch to auto-pilot for a while. The fact that you're conscious of it seems like a good sign for your overall emotional health.

As for you being check out on losing your virginity...I can't be the only one who's a little jealous right? I mean i lost my (gay) virginity at 20 to a guy who clearly just wanted a hook up. Like an idiot I decided that i was totally in love with him and ended up getting my heart curb stomped after he ditched me after three nights. I think it's better to get the hang of what goes where while dealing with someone you're not totally invested in, as long as you're doing it safer. Then you won't feel like a fumbling idiot when you meet someone who actually does matter.
 
Thanks guys, I think you've put me at ease, which is what I needed. I'm still unsure if the 11 years between us will hinder any relationship we might end up having - might being the operative word.
 
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