Have you heard this one...?

[Singularity]

A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours. He also invited Jimmy,the only aboriginal in the neighbourhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters and BBQ and flirting. At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 15ft man-eating Crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the Balls to jump in."

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Jimmy in the pool!

Jimmy was fighting the croc and kicking its ass! Jimmy was jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Jimmy and the croc were screaming and raising hell.

Finally Jimmy strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish.

Jimmy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, "Well, Jimmy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."

Nah, Your right, I don't want it," said Jimmy.

The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet." "How about half a million bucks then?"

"No thanks. I don't want it," answered Jimmy.

The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a New Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?" Again Jimmy said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, "Well Jimmy, then what do you want?"

Jimmy said, "I want the name of the SOB who pushed me in.”

 

[Singularity]

A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled. "We were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1,2,3,4,5,6, 7,8,9,10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde," her mother replied.

The next day, the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, pumpkin, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36C's.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"
"No .... it's because you're 25."

 

[Singularity]

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive," on TV, Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded
message:

VWVSO - 370HSSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had not a clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the NASA.

Eventually they asked Britain's MI-6 for help. Within a minute MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply: "Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."

 

[Singularity]

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.

When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.

The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?" He replied, "To the kitchen." She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replied, "Sure." She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He said, "No, I can remember that."

She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that." He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily: "I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"

 

[Singularity]

There was this Amish family visiting a big city for the first time. They went into a skyscraper, the wife wandered off, and the father and son came across an elevator for their first time. They saw this eighty year old lady go in, the doors close, and the floor indicator go all the way to the top and then come back down. The elevator door opens up, and out comes this hot twenty year old blonde.

The father says to the son, "go get your mother!"

 

[Singularity]

A police officer pulls over a driver. He steps out, walks up to the car and asks the driver politly for license and registration. The driver follows the officers requests and ask the officer why he was pulled over. The officer explains to the driver as he writes the ticket that the driver slowed down at the stop sign instead of stoping. The driver bit irritated for being pulled over for that and asks "What the difference? Slow or stop, pretty much the same and no harm done. The police officer requested the driver to step outside the car for a minute, the driver oblages. Suddently the officer gets his stick and starts beating the driver merciless. After a minute the officer asked the driver "do you want me to stop or slow down?"

 

[Singularity]

A begger was relaxing along the road after a long day of begging for change he finally decided to have a little chat with god to feel less lonly.

Beggar: God, how long is 1 million years to you?
God: 1 second
Beggar thinks as he nods
Beggar: God, how much is 1 million gold to you?
God: 1 penny
Beggar nods again and thinks
Beggar: God, if 1 million gold is 1 penny to you, would you spare me a penny?
God replies: Sure, just gimme a sec.

 

[Singularity]

I went to the cinema the other day and in the front row was an old man and with him was his dog. It was a sad funny kind of film, you know the type. In the sad part, the dog cried his eyes out, and in the funny part, the dog laughed its head off. This happened all the way through the film. After the film had ended, I decided to go and speak to the man.

"That's the most amazing thing I've seen," I said. "That dog really seemed to enjoy the film."

The man turned to me and said, "Yeah, it is. He hated the book."

 

[Singularity]

The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.

"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."

"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."

"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"

 

[Singularity]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked
"Hunting flies" he responded
"Oh. killing any?" she asked
"Yep - three males and two females" he replied

intrigued she asked "how can you tell them apart?"

He responded "three were on a beer can and two were on the phone"

 

[Singularity]

Two guys die and one goes to Capitalist Hell and the other to Communist Hell. After a while they meet and the one from the Commie Hell asks how its going in the Capitalist Hell. The Cap Hell guy goes "man, it ain't no good, first they burn us then they fry us, how about you?" The guy from the Communist Hell goes "they're about to boil us, then they realize someone pawned the firewood on the black market. They finally get the firewood together, and someone stole the damn flint. Pretty much nothing gets done, so I kind of hang out all day, really."

 

[Singularity]

This man was driving along, chatting away on his phone, not paying very much attention when suddenly he rams into the car in front of him, that had suddenly stopped to a halt.

He gets out, as does the driver of the other car, who is a dwarf.

"I'm not happy,"" says the dwarf."

"Which one are you, then?"

 

[Singularity]

And here's the good, the bad and the ugly:

Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.

Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the women next door.
Ugly: So are you.

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them.

Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.

Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.

Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It's another man.
Ugly: He's your best friend.

Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients.
Way ugly: She makes more money than you do

 

[Ramindra]

A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours. He also invited Jimmy,the only aboriginal in the neighbourhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters and BBQ and flirting. At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 15ft man-eating Crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the Balls to jump in."

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Jimmy in the pool!

Jimmy was fighting the croc and kicking its ass! Jimmy was jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Jimmy and the croc were screaming and raising hell.

Finally Jimmy strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish.

Jimmy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, "Well, Jimmy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."

Nah, Your right, I don't want it," said Jimmy.

The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet." "How about half a million bucks then?"

"No thanks. I don't want it," answered Jimmy.

The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a New Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?" Again Jimmy said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, "Well Jimmy, then what do you want?"

Jimmy said, "I want the name of the SOB who pushed me in.”

In the week that Australia said "Sorry" to its aboriginal people for all the wrongs committed against them by white governments, this joke would be seen by many to be inapproproate. And, in the spirit of reconcilation, and "Sorry", I am trying desperately and with all my inner strength not to laugh. Oh god, please do even allow me to smile! Aw shit, what the hell.

 

[gabriel1]

Well I smiled, laughed and chuckled through all of them.

 

[barefootbob]

a guy at the gym told me this one ...

why do women have PMS ?

cuz mad cow was already taken

 

[Singularity]

In the week that Australia said "Sorry" to its aboriginal people for all the wrongs committed against them by white governments, this joke would be seen by many to be inapproproate. And, in the spirit of reconcilation, and "Sorry", I am trying desperately and with all my inner strength not to laugh. Oh god, please do even allow me to smile! Aw shit, what the hell.

Just the thought of apologizing for one week after years of abuse is a joke in itself.

Next, the US is gonna let the native Americans live in their own communities- oh, wait, already done...

 

[MrBarbrey]

a guy at the gym told me this one ...

why do women have PMS ?

cuz mad cow was already taken

pfft way not cool lol!!