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Having a crush on a close (straight?) friend is not worth the pain!

C

catee222

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Let me just share that if you ever have feelings for a friend of yours who is the same sex and you're not sure of their orientation, LEAVE IT ALONE unless you know for sure that they're gay (but even if they are, the friendship might still be awkward)! I find friendships to be more important, and they're usually hard to come by. The problem is that I recently lost a close friend because I couldn't let it go that he was straight even though I thought there were signs pointed to him that he liked guys. There are plenty of people out there for you to meet, especially over the Internet. Of course there is the issue of coming out...the thing is, whenever you do come out, you'll realize how much easier it is to interact with more gay/bisexual people that could lead to potential relationships.

Should you want a final answer from your friend about their orientation or how they feel about you, the best you could do is come out to them; you made the first move and put the ball in their court on what kind of relationship they want to have with you. Chances are, if the person is really you're friend, he'll accept you. If nothing is happening and your friend does not say anything about his orientation, DO NOT WAIT FOR IT and find someone else! It sucks we can't always get what we want, and if you are struggling with the feelings for a straight guy, you'll lose the things you already have, like friendships. So please don't let things like this take over you. I screwed up big time, and I hope you don't do the same. Just a rant, thanks for listening :-)
 
Thanks catee222 for the advice.

I'm still trying to get over the crush i have for a guy at my work place. It's getting there, i'm finding myself thinking about him less and less.

About being out to people. I can't, my parents would disown me or at least they won't be talking to me for a long time. So i gotta make sure i find a nice, strong and wealthy man that i can turn to before i tell my parents and everyone else.

The thing is, it is so hard to find a nice, sensible and well educated guy, i like them in their late 20s to 30s, any idea on where i could meet gay guys around that age?
I'm in my early 20s and the places i go to doesn't really have those type of men? I don't like club goer type, i'm not into partying or anything like that, even though i may look like it and have a body for gogo-dancing. I just wan t a guy that can provide me with emotional and financial security ( i'm not a bid spender at all). I'm one of those type that once i give myself to a man, i will still by him no matter what.
 
um, ebluue, whatever happened to standing on your own feet, making your own way? not that you have to be there already in your early 20es, but you dont seem to think that youll ever get there. you dont even seem to want to.

but lets not derail this wonderful thread. that post should be read and taken to heart by many guys here.
 
Great Thread!
I came out to a straight friend because I liked him a lot and he turned out to be straight, but hes still the exact same person he was before only he looks out for me :) I'm glad he's straight, I'd perfer to have him as a best friend
 
How very true. I learned this the hard way. It's a living hell when you fall in love with them under these circumstances.

I nearly fucked it all up and what I was afraid of the most was losing Andrea's (that's his name) friendship. Of course I went through hell and my heart was broken but had I lost his friendship I would've lost my mind. That thought was unbearable.
After everything that had happened, all I needed was time to mend and focus on other things...but away from him. I needed that time away from him, without being in contact with him AT ALL, in order to put my heart's pieces back together and then one day I ran into him and I felt at peace finally and our friendship went back to what it was.
Even though it was hell, this experience alone made me grow a lot as a person and knock down certain emotional barriers I had...this experience made gather enough courage to start coming out to people gradually. So, all in all, it was an extremely enriching experience, on all counts.

But yeah, falling for a straight or confused male friend is NOT a good idea...at all.
 
Fucker29 said:
How very true. I learned this the hard way. It's a living hell when you fall in love with them under these circumstances.

I nearly fucked it all up and what I was afraid of the most was losing Andrea's (that's his name) friendship. Of course I went through hell and my heart was broken but had I lost his friendship I would've lost my mind. That thought was unbearable.
After everything that had happened, all I needed was time to mend and focus on other things...but away from him. I needed that time away from him, without being in contact with him AT ALL, in order to put my heart's pieces back together and then one day I ran into him and I felt at peace finally and our friendship went back to what it was.
Even though it was hell, this experience alone made me grow a lot as a person and knock down certain emotional barriers I had...this experience made gather enough courage to start coming out to people gradually. So, all in all, it was an extremely enriching experience, on all counts.
Click to expand...

This is what I hope will happen to me sometime down the road, but right now it will just be really awkward for my friend and I to hang out without any mutual friends around and to even have any type of non face to face conversation. Fortunately, when we've hung out with mutual friends, we've been civil and haven't been ignoring each other when being in the same room, so this could mean things will eventually restore, but I could be wrong. Now that the summer is ending, my friends and I are going to be back at school/work so we won't see each other as often and this will give me the time to like you said "mend and focus on other things."
 
We'll definitely quote your thread when the next wave of college crushes appears here in about three months time.

A lot of guys seem to think that we're just not being supportive when they get this advice, but you can now be one of the poster children for crushed romantic hopes and damaged friendships.
 
Actually, I think Fucker29's advice is what most people should go through.

Namely, I think you need to reveal your true feelings, get rejected (or not) and then finally work through and accept the fact that you won't be lovers (it might takes months or a year to work through this) and then potentially restart your friendship on an even keel.

I really don't think it's healthy to repress these feelings and keep them from the other person in the guise of "saving the friendship". Why? Because you'll always pine for that guy and you'll never grow and move on.

I think that's important to do.
 
Thank you for sharing. Hopefully your story will deter others from making the most common mistake on this forum.
 
Lube, I do happen to agree with you depending on the situation. I guess if it's making you absolutely crazy and want to know what could've been, then it may be necessary to say how you feel. Your friends who you like will already know you're into guys, so they may be aware that they're put into your field (if that makes sense). I believe anyone who accepts gays/bi's will be understanding of that and may even be flattered lol, but once they tell you they're straight, then you gotta just move on right away. It may require some time apart depending on your personality, but in the long run, you'll realize how much more important the friendship is and things can go back to the way they used to be. Straights should see it as similar to rejecting a girl they're not attracted to, but unfortunately many may think it's a lot worse than that when a guy suddenly wants to hook up with them.

Like I said, I couldn't let it go and ended up getting a big slap across the face (not literally) from him telling me to cut it out; it would make me so jealous whenever he'd be talking to a girl or constantly randomly texting someone I didn't know while all of our mutual friends were around in the same room (he's kind of a shy person and hasn't had any other close friends). This was only a portion of what I did/said to him that pretty much fucked up the friendship. He really could've punched me in the face if he wanted to, that's how bad I was. He ended up getting his first girlfriend that he's been seeing for almost 3 months now. I really felt like crap when they first started going out...but the thing was, I ended up wasting my time crying and getting angry when I could've been looking for new people to meet :(. Word of advice, do not get depressed over this.

To be honest, I'm not sure how much longer his relationship with her will last because she just went away to school about 3-4 hours from us, but I'm understanding now that the two of them breaking up is not going to make me jump for joy, because that doesn't mean he's going to all of a sudden be interested in guys. Regardless of whether he's taken or single, it's been established that he'll never touch my penis (or any other guy's penis) with a 10 foot pole! He's even told me that if he never met his girlfriend, he would rather have been okay with not being able to get with a girl till his 40's/50's than get with any guy much sooner...

Thanks for reading!
 
Glad you are working through it.. It is tough.

From your description, it sounds like he may be working through his own questions of sexuality, but he may never accept it. So you're doing the right thing--don't pine you life away waiting for him.

As Kara often says, find a nice gay man who will love you for being you.
 
Been there. And its absolutely true.

In love with straight man = must be a NO NO

Just dont.[-X
 
catee222 said:
Let me just share that if you ever have feelings for a friend of yours who is the same sex and you're not sure of their orientation, LEAVE IT ALONE unless you know for sure that they're gay (but even if they are, the friendship might still be awkward)! I find friendships to be more important, and they're usually hard to come by. The problem is that I recently lost a close friend because I couldn't let it go that he was straight even though I thought there were signs pointed to him that he liked guys. There are plenty of people out there for you to meet, especially over the Internet. Of course there is the issue of coming out...the thing is, whenever you do come out, you'll realize how much easier it is to interact with more gay/bisexual people that could lead to potential relationships.

Should you want a final answer from your friend about their orientation or how they feel about you, the best you could do is come out to them; you made the first move and put the ball in their court on what kind of relationship they want to have with you. Chances are, if the person is really you're friend, he'll accept you. If nothing is happening and your friend does not say anything about his orientation, DO NOT WAIT FOR IT and find someone else! It sucks we can't always get what we want, and if you are struggling with the feelings for a straight guy, you'll lose the things you already have, like friendships. So please don't let things like this take over you. I screwed up big time, and I hope you don't do the same. Just a rant, thanks for listening :-)
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Thank you for the lesson in gay "don'ts" 101. We've all been there. Been burned badly. And learned our lesson. Unfortunately, it seems no amount of pain, suffering, and fore-warning can head other young homos off this path. It seems to be a rite of passage and getting scarred. Intimacy does not equal sexual attraction. And sexual attraction does not equal intimacy.
 
^^^^

I agree. I think it's something that no matter how many times people warn you about, it's something you must go through, a lesson you must learn on your own.
 
Having a crush on a gay guy is not worth the pain either. If anything gay guys are actually more of a threat because they can better break your heart- a straight guy it's just a neutral disinterest. The reason gay guys are mean to each other is because of this. Which is more scary? A straight guy that idolizes you from afar but doesn't really know you or a hot-tempered gay man who knows all the right buttons to push in you?

And then you try to have self-esteem and say 'well I'm going to be my own best boyfriend and have a crush on myself' but we all know that's not the answer. Everybody wants love. Not narcissistic 'self-love' but real love from another person to grow with. *Fag sigh*

Let's rephrase/rethink this. having a crush on anybody isn't worth it. We want the real thing: Love. The thing with a crush is that it crushes you. The thing with real love is that it saves and uplifts and builds and expands you. I like that. A crush stomps, breaks, constricts and ultimately destroys. That's why it's a CRUSH. No CRUSHES FOR ME, PERIOD!!!

as shania would say, if you're not in it for love- get outta here!
 
Thought I would bump this for those who are new and are in the situation I was in. :)

Also, I wanted to update you on my story...since the summer ended, my crush on him has nearly 100% faded away. We've talked on the phone/online a couple of times (like the way things used to be) and hung out with mutual friends on weekends. He's still seeing the girl, but I haven't asked about her at all. Plus, since I now have a full time job teaching (first year), it's been like nearly impossible to speak with him, let alone my other friends during the week. Big difference compared to seeing him 5-6 days a week over the summer; now it's down to 0-2. I feel like this is just what I needed, and so far it's working :D
 
Generally speaking, I agree with the second part of the OP's post (quoted), The exception being if you can't accept not knowing for sure.

I had the standard crush on a close friend of mine (I had no clue if he was gay or straight). I eventually came out to him and finally after a few months told him that I was attracted to him.
He said he was sorry, but wasn't interested. Next time we met, we sat and talked about it for a bit and since then we've gone on with our lives, arguably closer than we were before.

It's a testament to what a great guy he is that our friendship continued as normal with very little awkwardness (more of it on my part than his). I know it doesn't typically go that smoothly for most people, but I feel it was worth it to get the question settled once and for all instead of sitting around, waiting and hoping for something that wasn't going to happen.

catee222 said:
Should you want a final answer from your friend about their orientation or how they feel about you, the best you could do is come out to them; you made the first move and put the ball in their court on what kind of relationship they want to have with you. Chances are, if the person is really you're friend, he'll accept you. If nothing is happening and your friend does not say anything about his orientation, DO NOT WAIT FOR IT and find someone else!
Click to expand...
 
So been there..... So done that. Took me 17 years to get over him. I am very glad to have him as a friend, though.

He helped me through a very bad and confusing time in my life, for which I'll always love him.
 
Allow me to bump this again for those who are in this very common situation.

I hate to say it, please forgive me :D, but I have become a victim of the "straight friend crush" bug again #-o; only I'm not as close with this new guy. In fact, he's a brother of a close friend. I'm infatuated by everything about him, and he's much cuter than my last crush, but I'm in the process of trying to understand that he's totally not worth it. I've tried a bunch of subtle hints such as messaging online and text messaging, and I've hardly gotten a nibble. We've only had great conversations when talking in person (and the two of us have never hung out without my friend around), otherwise, he seems to be more busy with other things, and constantly talks about "hot girls." He's going away back to college in a couple of days, so maybe my mind can focus more on other things.

Anyway, I've said this before (as have a bunch of others here), and will say it again...BE CAREFUL WITH (possible) STRAIGHT CRUSHES!!!"
 
Nice thread. Definitely be careful about falling in love/developing a crush for a guy who would never be able to develop the same sorts of feelings for you. This is one reason why being open and true about one's orientation is so important. It helps take the guesswork out of a lot of things.

Futher, I would add that one should be wary of having a crush on someone who is too unsure of or confused about his orientation. In fact, I would go so far as to argue to try not to fall for anyone who is not open about his orientation.
 
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