Having feelings for somebody you only know online

[DragoCronzo]

Firstly, I'll give some context to this. I've known this person for about almost 2 years. We came across each other on a facebook group which is our primary means of communication. This guy is in the closet and the privacy of the group allows him to freely express his sexuality (as could I before coming out). This commonality naturally drew us together and we've engaged into a lot of conversations ever since. We would gush over hot guys, talk about our personal issues, share porn, we joke a lot, I've even done a couple trolly posts memeing him that he enjoyed (people meme other members in the group; it's all cool). I'll say he has became a really good friend that I feel more comfortable talking about my issues to him than most of the people in my real life. I think (and this has been going on for some time) that I might be developing romantic feelings for him. He's not what I would consider physically attractive to me. He tends cover himself up and hasn't updated his profile pic since 2017 because he's kinda insecure about his appearance. Despite that, I can't help but feel drawn to him. It's his heart and his soul that really attracts me and makes me feel things I don't normally feel towards most people.

Now just to be clear, I don't think he reciprocates these feelings. I've jokingly made passes at him and he dismisses it with "we can't be a couple because we're both queens lol". We often joke a lot about having sexual liaisons with one another (which we also do to other members) so I don't suspect he knows. He's also somewhat involved with two other group members (one more than the other) and we live in different countries, though we have both expressed a desire to meet with one another and hang out if one were to travel abroad.

I'm not expecting anything to come out of this. The best we can do is probably hang out in a group meetup if I were on holiday in his country. I just wanted to express my thought and feelings and maybe get some insight.

 

[TX-Beau]

I'm unsure of what you are asking for. This guy seems completely unsuitable for everything from his closet to his lack of interest to his location. What insight do you need?

 

[GayCuriousSub]

DUMP HIM! BLOCK USER NAME ON HER AND ON PHONE. Life is short my friend, there IS no time for bullshit!

 

[DragoCronzo]

I'm unsure of what you are asking for. This guy seems completely unsuitable for everything from his closet to his lack of interest to his location. What insight do you need?

well, like if you've ever been in similar situation or how would I deal?

 

[TX-Beau]

well, like if you've ever been in similar situation or how would I deal?

We've all been infatuated with unavailable/unsuitable/uninterested guys. The way to deal is always the same, turn your attention elsewhere. Nothing you've said about this guy is encouraging. Why waste time over him? You can be pals online without trying to find convoluted ways to be together in your mind. You don't even live in the same country - just hypothetically say he was out and interested, what then? Who is going to move to whom - and that is actually the least of it here.

The better question is why you're bothering to ponder this in the first place. What is keeping you from recognizing the futility of that whole situation and looking elsewhere. You've gone to the trouble of soliciting advice on a no-brainer, why?

 

[SeaCore]

Because it can be uplifting to hear personal confirmation that this isn't a struggle only you're familiar with and that people have successfully been able to move on and hopefully live better lives as a result.

I think the best thing in a situation like this is recognizing that you're building up a fantasy and that the fantasy is the main attraction. It's probably even a little fun to imagine a dream coming true. But the practicality of it is that your desire is caught up in a bunch of ideals that are masking the realities you face. You need to try and recontextualize this guy as not being dating material because, well, you already know that they're not interested. And also, these feelings are insightful. Try to hone in on what you're so attracted to so that you can be better attuned at finding a partner that'll give you a similar dreamy fascination.

It may also be worth considering that maybe you're a little too close and that the relation dynamic needs to change a bit so that your wires between friendship and romance aren't getting crossed? I don't know if that a problem, I just see it possibly being one.

 

[mcbrion]

DUMP HIM! BLOCK USER NAME ON HER AND ON PHONE. Life is short my friend, there IS no time for bullshit!

Why so extreme? The relationship, such as it is, is simply a friendly one. More than of an acquaintance than a true friend, with whom you have had ACTUAL shared experiences in real life. There's no pathology going on here, and no 'bullshit' either. They can maintain the friendliness online and go no further unless both parties are in the same state of mind.

 

[GayCuriousSub]

Hello McBrion.

I composed a gigantic response, and it was all in agreement that you have your melon working right...................and I do not. and it got dumped.........somewhere. WTF?

 

[mcbrion]

It's the Internet. Stuff disappears sometimes!

 

[GayCuriousSub]

It's the Internet. Stuff disappears sometimes!

quote right. the internet is subject to a myriad of weird stuff. I wanted to apologize and back off from my reactionary post. I don't know what I was being righteously indignant about. and it's extremely unusual for me to me righteously indignant about ANYTHING. I'm glad that it brought you and I closer together as friendly acquaintances. I want to say friends


I'll be bluntly honest with you Sir. I am not feeble minded. far from it. I don't remember what I was so worked up about! I was likely drinking too much and being a loudmouth...........................MOST unbecoming.

 

[KaraBulut]

...I'm not expecting anything to come out of this. The best we can do is probably hang out in a group meetup if I were on holiday in his country. I just wanted to express my thought and feelings and maybe get some insight.

In situations like this, it's difficult to know whether it's the "real thing" or whether this is one of those internet relationships that exists only in the virtual world of the internet.

What you can be sure of is what is going on with you.

It sounds like you have a friendship with someone who is has a lot of issues. It's very easy to try to make that into some else... something that is not and something that it will never be.

Where these internet friendships become a problem is when they are a substitute for real life relationships. The energy that you're putting into this internet friendship could be better directed toward real life friendships and the search for romantic relationships with real life people.