having friends and relationships--why not both?

[Auburn]

It seems that most guys have control issues when they are in a relationship. What's the point in trying to control your lover? It seems that most guys think if you are in a relationship, you shouldn't be able to have your own set of friends and if you hang out with your friends when he is not around then your lover will accuse you of cheating. I guess it is because most gay men only choose "friends" that they want to sleep with, rather than forming real friendships(have heard this but not sure how true it is) that aren't based on sexual attraction. I don't understand why there is no space allowed in relationships..I understand you must sacrifice some, but that doesn't mean that two individuals can't have their lives together as well as apart. When relationships don't work out, who do you think is going to be there for you? Friends. I would think that if you are around your boyfriend 24-7 then he would get on your nerves and the relationship wouldn't last long, but apparently I am in the minority by thinking that. I guess I am just bothered that I got told off by a guy i have been e-mailing back and forth with ...he criticized me very harshly for my views on being able to have friends and a lover too. He thinks that too many men avoid relationships because they don't want to sacrifice their group of friends to be in one. He thinks it is so "high school" that I would want to be able to spend time with my friends sometimes instead of spending time with a boyfriend...i can't even say all the things he wrote me in a two-page e-mail cause i am so bothered.

I dont understand....If i am going to be with someone they need to understand that i should be able to hang with my friends once in a while (key words: ONCE IN A WHILE). What is wrong with that? Why do we have to be joined to our boyfriends at the hip all the time? Why is it so hard to find men who aren't controlling? How do you deal with these men? Why do boyfriends always have to have the same set of friends? Am i naive to think i won't be able to keep what few friends i have if i get into a relationship? thats one reason why i avoid them...if the relationship doesn't work, then you have to deal with that hurt plus the loss of your friends....sucks



Thoughts??????

 

[ajax49]

I like what you are saying, and I agree with what you've said. I'm dismayed that so many gays have what I consider a "girlish" attitude toward this topic, that is, an insecure, controling attitude demanding monogamy and causing co-dependence. I think monogamy is ultimately boring and is usually self-defeating, and I do not think men are by nature monogamous. My special friend and I both feel this way. We are totally here for each other in the long run, but we each have our own friends and our own lustful fantasies. I guess our relationship would be classified as "open", but neither of us is a slut. Neither of us feels trapped or controled, either. Judging from what I've seen on this forum, most participants will probably find my attitude despicable. So what. I've never been with the majority, and I don't care to be. Stick to your guns. I think you're right and the others are wrong. You know what's right for you, and the others are wrong when they say you shouldn't be that way. End of rant.

 

[Auburn]

I like what you are saying, and I agree with what you've said. I'm dismayed that so many gays have what I consider a "girlish" attitude toward this topic, that is, an insecure, controling attitude demanding monogamy and causing co-dependence. I think monogamy is ultimately boring and is usually self-defeating, and I do not think men are by nature monogamous. My special friend and I both feel this way. We are totally here for each other in the long run, but we each have our own friends and our own lustful fantasies. I guess our relationship would be classified as "open", but neither of us is a slut. Neither of us feels trapped or controled, either. Judging from what I've seen on this forum, most participants will probably find my attitude despicable. So what. I've never been with the majority, and I don't care to be. Stick to your guns. I think you're right and the others are wrong. You know what's right for you, and the others are wrong when they say you shouldn't be that way. End of rant.

Thanks..glad to know there are some people on here who think like me.

 

[confusedboy23]

I totally agree. There is no reason why we shut down friendships for the sake of the one person we want to be with. Yes, that person might be the most important in its entirety but there are others too who we value in our lives and it is only right that we cherish those other special people.

 

[Just_Believe18]

I'm not sure what you mean. Are you saying most gay guys are jealous of friends in a relationship? I never had this problem.

 

[Auburn]

I'm not sure what you mean. Are you saying most gay guys are jealous of friends in a relationship? I never had this problem.

No, i am saying that when two gay guys get in a relationship, it seems like one tries to steer the other one from being around their friends and if they are allowed to hang out with their friends, then their other half always has to tag along. There is no space between boyfriends, is what i am saying.

 

[Just_Believe18]

No, i am saying that when two gay guys get in a relationship, it seems like one tries to steer the other one from being around their friends and if they are allowed to hang out with their friends, then their other half always has to tag along. There is no space between boyfriends, is what i am saying.

Oh... that's interesting.

Isn't it a natural reaction though? For example, if the couple lives together and one of them brings friends over, you wouldn't expect the boyfriend to leave so the other could hang out with his friends, right?

Or if they share the same interests and hobbies?

Or holidays like Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthdays, 3-day weekends?

 

[Auburn]

Hm, messy. I'm not sure R is really your typical kind of . . . anything, but I see your point - he's an extreme version of what's been discussed above.

Personally, I'm sorry that S made the mistake of getting involved like he has, because frankly, I do think it's a mistake. Unless there's something missing to your story, I really don't think that R is the sort of person who should be any relationship with the level of commitment that's apparently there with S - it's not good for him or for his partner. He has other issues to sort out first.

And maybe this holds for all gay guys who get jealous of their boyfriend's time and attention. It's completely unreasonable to expect to the only person in someone's life. It's not a sustainable approach. Except in maybe freakish circumstances where both people want that, but I doubt that such relationship last long anyway. It's doomed, I tell you, DOOMED!

I agree....sounds like the relationship is doomed!!!

Oh... that's interesting.

Isn't it a natural reaction though? For example, if the couple lives together and one of them brings friends over, you wouldn't expect the boyfriend to leave so the other could hang out with his friends, right?

Or if they share the same interests and hobbies?

Or holidays like Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthdays, 3-day weekends?

Well, that is a different situation. I agree with you here. What i am saying that if both partners get invited to go out to dinner with those friends, but only one partner wants to go, then he should be allowed to go even if his partner does not want to go.

The only thing truly missing from the story is that S is a someone who gets attached quickly and needs to feel needed. I think that this relationship is working for him because R is very needy.

I do agree that R has issues to work out before being in this relationship, but I cannot talk to S about it because he just thinks I am being jealous and mean. So I am just staying back and allowing S to have his relationship. And I do continue to email S at least once or twice a week to remind him that we are still friends and I am still here for him. That's all I can do for now.

(And thank you for reading through my post)

WOW....you are more supportive than most. He should feel privliged to have you as a friend.

In response to your long post....I think it is unreasonable to expect two people in a relationship to be the only person in each other's lives, but alot of people have the mentality that if they are in a relationship that they don't need anyone else, which is sad. I have noticed ,especially among straights, that if they get married, they totally ignore their gay or single friends, and i guess gay men do the same too. Wow.....it seems like no matter what type of friends you make...once you or they get in a relationship, you lose them. That is very painful for an introvert like me who has few friends. What's the point? . Most people take their friends for granted anyway and only keep them around when they need something

Maybe i am placing too much value on friendship...cause i don't find anyone that shares my values.

The same guy i mentioned in my first post also told me that it is nice to have friends that you can hang out with , but when you are bored or lonely you have a partner you can go to. Guess he has a point

I would like to be in a relationship where i could have both, but i guess i am the only one who feels that way.

 

[Auburn]

Friendship is a valuable thing and I think it's good to place a lot of importance on it. If S and I had not been friends for 10 years and he had not been there for me in times when no one else was, I would not be as supportive as I am now. He's having a moment of insanity and I'm hoping the moment passes.

Don't ever think that friends aren't important to have in your life. They are the ones who will be there for you when no one else is.

Yes, people take their friends for granted often. That is why S and I had our fight. He took for granted that I would just be OK with being pushed aside when it came time for him to be in a relationship. And when I let him know that I was not OK with it, he called me childish and jealous. But I am not letting that ruin 10 years of friendship. I am in the same boat as you, I have very few friends. But the ones I do have are very important to me and I wouldn't dream of doing to S or any of them, what he did to me.

I don't see how he would call you childish and jealous....if i was friends with S then that would put a real strain on the friendship, but i am glad that you aren't letting that ruin your frienship with S. Yeah, friends will be there when no one else is IF they are a real friend.

 

[hermanding]

i don't believe one person can fulfill everything needed by another. having friendships independently is one way - there are others - in which a compañero can bring something new to the relationship
ding