Having problems with older boyfriend...

[KennyD]

YES ..those age differences CAN work ... My last two B/f's were over 20 years my junior ; BUT each lasted about 3 years .... BUT; like any relationship, BOTH parties have to WORK at it .....

 

[Adam2299]

Ok, I really do appreciate all of your input, and here's t he thing.

First of all, I am slightly drunk right now ( rpoving my boyfriend's point entirely.)

I have a question for the older men here:

what's the point in having a younger boyfriend anyway??? what is the motive? do you just want someone who has a good body?? if you think all young guys ar e immature, then why go out with them in the first place????????

i' m honestly getting fed up. my boyfriend (who is 45) just told me that i need to "grow up", after i TRIED to convince him how much i love him, how much i need him, etc. He simply says "grow up". Doesn't that show HIS immaturity and not mine???

I've never been this frustrated/confused before. ugh.

 

[justsimon]

One time we were sitting at a very non-crowded bar having some laughs with a few of his colleagues (I love spending time with older men by the way, they have a lot more to say than ones my age), and these 2 guys came up to me and would NOT stop touching me, trying to convince me to come to a club with them down the street. If these things are going to happen, I need the guy I'm with to learn how to deal with it instead of immediately walking out and not speaking to me for the rest of the night (which is exactly what he did that night). But like the restaurant, this wasn't my fault at all and I never do anything to instigate these things...

Do you do anything to stop them?

 

[Adam2299]

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YES! i tell them i have a boyf riend , and to please leave. i NEVER instigate ANYTHING, i swear on my life. i'm always very polite about it, but i say "sorry, i'm here w/ someone" but sometimes guys are just really pushy.....

 

[justsimon]

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YES! i tell them i have a boyf riend , and to please leave. i NEVER instigate ANYTHING, i swear on my life. i'm always very polite about it, but i say "sorry, i'm here w/ someone" but sometimes guys are just really pushy.....

True. Sorry to hear about your relationship problems. I don't really know what to tell you, but it sounds like couple's counseling might help.

 

[NickCole]

what's the point in having a younger boyfriend anyway??? what is the motive? do you just want someone who has a good body?? if you think all young guys ar e immature, then why go out with them in the first place????????

There are a number of reasons and we don't know your boyfriend so we don't know his motive. Does he always date much younger guys? If not maybe it's not your age but you, the person you are, that attracts him.

i' m honestly getting fed up. my boyfriend (who is 45) just told me that i need to "grow up", after i TRIED to convince him how much i love him, how much i need him, etc. He simply says "grow up". Doesn't that show HIS immaturity and not mine???

Even if you're behaving immaturely, yes telling someone who's 24 years younger to "grow up" is not helpful. He's trying to hit you where you're vulnerable.

But he's doing it for a reason and that's the more important thing you and he need to deal with.

Why is it necessary for you to try to convince him how much you love him? Are you showing him, through your behavior, so he can feel and trust it? Is your behavior sending him mixed signals about how you feel about him, or is he incapable of feeling your love? That's a tough question. Give it a little thought.

I've never been this frustrated/confused before. ugh.

YES! i tell them i have a boyf riend , and to please leave. i NEVER instigate ANYTHING, i swear on my life. i'm always very polite about it, but i say "sorry, i'm here w/ someone" but sometimes guys are just really pushy.....

Going only from what you've written, I think you are not being honest with yourself about this.

I was 21 and good looking, and I've had lots of good looking friends. I know the way it works. Good looks attract attention but being pursued the way you describe requires some kind of solicitation. If guys are hitting on you "often," sending you drinks when you're with your boyfriend, not leaving you alone when you ask them to, then you are playing a part in that.

You ought to decide what's most important to you -- being pursued by lots of guys or being exclusive with one guy. There's no right answer but if you don't resolve that for yourself you're going to remain frustrated and confused.

 

[Riverrick]

Ok, I really do appreciate all of your input, and here's t he thing.

First of all, I am slightly drunk right now ( rpoving my boyfriend's point entirely.)

I have a question for the older men here:

what's the point in having a younger boyfriend anyway??? what is the motive? do you just want someone who has a good body?? if you think all young guys ar e immature, then why go out with them in the first place????????

i' m honestly getting fed up. my boyfriend (who is 45) just told me that i need to "grow up", after i TRIED to convince him how much i love him, how much i need him, etc. He simply says "grow up". Doesn't that show HIS immaturity and not mine???

I've never been this frustrated/confused before. ugh.

First of all, I'm 50 and I wouldn't date someone your age. There are too many differences of where we would be at in our lives to reconcile. It isn't that I'm not open to new experiences but I don't want to be always comparing myself to 20 year olds. Its just not realistic.

If I did date guys your age, it would be because they can be good looking and cute and vibrant and excited about life and their careers, etc. I can see how easy it would be to get caught up in all of that especially if the guy returned affection to me and was interested in me.

So I think your bf is just human. He is attracted to you and you to him. I don't see anything wrong with you guys dating each other but unfortunately your age seems to be pushing some of his buttons.

 

[Adam2299]

Thank you all so much for your advice, i can't stress that enough. I REALLY appreciate all the input, and it's helped me think about a lot of things...

Nonetheless... after an absolutely horrible night (if it wasn't obvious) and a 6 hour discussion/fight this morning, he basically broke up with me, claiming it was a mistake to date such a "naive and immature" person. Which ok, that really hurts a lot, b/c I consider myself to be a very mature person for my age... but whatever....

So I guess in the future I'm sticking to guys my own age. Ugh.

 

[Just_Believe18]

You're free from mental abuse, Adam. Free.

You did what you needed to do. You talked with him and expressed your feelings. You did all you could to keep him. But he couldn't get over himself, and for that, despite being a brilliant doctor, he is a very immature and childish older man.

Don't worry, Adam. You will find another who will love and appreciate you. He can still be older, or younger, or your age. It all depends on the guy.

 

[JackFTwist]

You're free from mental abuse, Adam. Free.

You did what you needed to do. You talked with him and expressed your feelings. You did all you could to keep him. But he couldn't get over himself, and for that, despite being a brilliant doctor, he is a very immature and childish older man.

Don't worry, Adam. You will find another who will love and appreciate you. He can still be older, or younger, or your age. It all depends on the guy.

this is good advice which cannot be improved on, but can be repeated because its so good

 

[bluedragon4]

YES ..those age differences CAN work ... My last two B/f's were over 20 years my junior ; BUT each lasted about 3 years .... BUT; like any relationship, BOTH parties have to WORK at it .....

I like how you answer that it can work but yours didn't work! So how can you say they can work?

 

[Riverrick]

Sorry about the breakup Adam. You're probably feeling pretty shitty right now.

Try to take some solice in the fact that most of us saw him as the one who was immature. I know it doesn't ease your pain but at least you don't have to blame yourself for this. Take care buddy!

 

[RicanDAB]

Adam,

I share everyone's sentiments ... sorry you are hurting over your breakup. But know that someone else out there will value you even more and cherish the special person that you are. It will take time and you won't see the light of day from this event for a little while longer. But when you do it will be magnificent. His loss, man. I'm glad to hear his calling you immature was not something you took to heart .. you know better. And remember... you have all your friends @ JUB behind you (so to speak ).

 

[Alive and Free]

Adam what did your family and friends think of you being with such an older guy ?

 

[Adam2299]

Adam what did your family and friends think of you being with such an older guy ?

Haha, my family was VERY skeptical at first, but they actually met him once and seemed to get along pretty well. My mom had bigger problems with it than my dad I think... But they were both very supportive and didn't really ask too many questions...

As for my friends, they didn't really care at all. Some of them made little passive jokes here and there about me dating an "old man," but none of it was mean-spirited. I know lots of guys my age who date older men, so it wasn't too big of a deal I suppose.

 

[mojoe54]

So sorry about your breakup--I know you must be feeling bad. Two people have to grow together in a relationship, recognizing and accepting each other's differences (and faults), or they will inevitably grow apart. You sound like a great guy, and I'm sure you won't be single for long. Try dating guys your own age for a while--it might work out better for you. As an older guy, I would probably never date a guy that much younger than me, our points of reference would just be too different. My longterm partner is just 2 years younger than me. We were both very young when we met (23 and 21), and going through life changes together has been a big part of what keeps us interested in each other. Good luck to you,Adam! bb

 

[Adam2299]

Ok, I don't know if any of you care or not, but.....

I'm so furious right now! I just received a REALLY hateful email from this man totally out of the blue. I almost want to post the entire thing, but for privacy reasons I won't. Basically he said he regrets ever meeting me; I damaged his self-esteem drastically; he'll never date guys my age again.... what.the.hell....

I am so confused right now, especially since I never did ONE hateful thing to this man in my entire life!!!!! Can someone really be THIS insecure??? I'm in shock. I don't even want to respond to him b/c I feel like he's picking a fight or something... I have never had ANY man treat me this way, especially someone who I thought was so mature and stable...

Wow.

Maybe I'm just more naive than I thought? Ugh. Fuck guys.

(And thank you JUB for letting me vent).

 

[Riverrick]

Well, we did establish that he had a self-esteem problem already, right? So that's not your fault.

He's just thrashing about in his pain and trying to find someone to pin the blame on. I think that he's going to get worse before he gets better so it may be in your best interest not to communicate with him. Talking to him is more likely to hurt you than to provide any closure.

Unfortunately, we learn all sorts of things from relationships including just how screwed up people we loved really are (and I am definitely talking from personal experience). I'm sorry this is happening to you. Please continue to vent here any time.