having the talk with the parents

[eire-phile]

Hi everyone -

This is my first post here and I know its probably a question that has been addressed in other threads a number of times, but if you can humor me I will greatly appreciate it.

First, some background. I grew up in a Catholic family--i still practice, as I find it a valuable part of my life despite not agreeing with certain aspects of the institution-- and I am the youngest of five, with 3 brothers and 1 sister, all of my siblings are married with children. We are all living in different parts of the US now, although since last September I am living in the same city with my sister when I moved here for grad school. I came out to her shortly after I moved and it went great and she indicated that my brothers should be alright with it as well, though I have a feeling some will be better than others; I have yet to have the conversation with any of them since we don't call each other all that regularly and therefore it would seem odd, but then again its not like whether people are gay would come up in conversation all the time even if we did talk on a regular basis.

That said, I am very nervous about telling my parents. They are both very traditional/conservative and religious, and have never indicated being all that supportive of LGBT issues when I have brought them up tangetially as a way of testing the waters. I have attempted telling my mom twice--once senior year in college when I started coming out, and then again the following summer--but as you can guess none of them have seemed to have stuck and since we really don't talk about me being gay or dating or anything that might relate. I have yet to approach my dad as he is even more (pardon the pun) straightlaced and rather unfriendly to the issue from what I can tell (I seem to recall him not even liking the premise of Will & Grace)

Anyway, to get the point, my parents are arriving tomorrow to spend Christmas with my sister and me and will be staying at my apartment for the weekend, and in getting ready for their arrival I became frustrated in having to hide "evidence" of my sexual orientation. I am totally comfortable with who I am and have been much happier with myself since coming out two years ago. When I started grad school the past fall I was open with my classmates from the beginning, I guess since I have been able to pretty much avoid any confrontations over being gay with my parents I just haven't gotten use to the status quo with them, but I am beginning to tire of it even though it means having to go through a very difficult situation. Therefore I am thinking about coming out to them while they are here for the holidays, obviously after so as to not create any awkwardness in the course of the celbrations

I was just wondering what suggestions you all might have for ways of bringing it up and talking about it without it devolving into hostility and tears.

I know its kind of long and I am grateful for what ever advice you might have

Thanks.

 

[SilverRRCloud]

Welcome to JUB.

There is no way to predict, how are the things going to pan out for you.

I perfectly understand your frustration over having to hide something in your own flat, just because your parents are coming to stay over for Christmas. It looks like, you are not even in charge of your own place anymore, right?

Is there anything your parents (especially, your Dad) can do to make your life difficult, if you came out to them and they got very upset over it? Like in cutting off support or anything of the kind?

If there is nothing that they can really do about it, keep that in mind. They may accept you for who you are and they may choose not to. That brings the ball into their corner, so to say.

One way or the other, the next day will come, and you'll still be able to put food on your kitchen table, and you'll still have to pay your phone bill, etc. In other words, not much will change...

SC

 

[luminum]

I think tears are out of your control.

But hostility is always under control onyour part. So long as you do not allow it to become a hostile situation, then you have a good chance of keeping it tame and civil. You have to make sure that you keep yourself under control. I have lost my temper with my mother several times and it's always made it an angry fight instead of something straight-to-the-point.

But once, when I was telling them about my first boyfriend, I told them that I wasn't going to argue with them, that I was telling them because they were my parents, and that I just wanted them to know. While they weren't happy and they did say some things that felt terrible, we didn't fight. We kept it civil.

I think what you should do is tell them that you've been through this long enough, that it's not a matter of confusion or debate, and that you're simply telling them because as your parents, they have a right to know. Tell them you won't argue with them about whether you're confused or whether or not it's right or wrong (it's neither, it just is) and then ask them if they have any questions they want to ask you so you can clarify.

Good luck! Keep us posted! :]

 

[CoolBlue71]

Hi everyone -

This is my first post here and I know its probably a question that has been addressed in other threads a number of times, but if you can humor me I will greatly appreciate it.

First, some background. I grew up in a Catholic family--i still practice, as I find it a valuable part of my life despite not agreeing with certain aspects of the institution-- and I am the youngest of five, with 3 brothers and 1 sister, all of my siblings are married with children. We are all living in different parts of the US now, although since last September I am living in the same city with my sister when I moved here for grad school. I came out to her shortly after I moved and it went great and she indicated that my brothers should be alright with it as well, though I have a feeling some will be better than others; I have yet to have the conversation with any of them since we don't call each other all that regularly and therefore it would seem odd, but then again its not like whether people are gay would come up in conversation all the time even if we did talk on a regular basis.

That said, I am very nervous about telling my parents. They are both very traditional/conservative and religious, and have never indicated being all that supportive of LGBT issues when I have brought them up tangetially as a way of testing the waters. I have attempted telling my mom twice--once senior year in college when I started coming out, and then again the following summer--but as you can guess none of them have seemed to have stuck and since we really don't talk about me being gay or dating or anything that might relate. I have yet to approach my dad as he is even more (pardon the pun) straightlaced and rather unfriendly to the issue from what I can tell (I seem to recall him not even liking the premise of Will & Grace)

Anyway, to get the point, my parents are arriving tomorrow to spend Christmas with my sister and me and will be staying at my apartment for the weekend, and in getting ready for their arrival I became frustrated in having to hide "evidence" of my sexual orientation. I am totally comfortable with who I am and have been much happier with myself since coming out two years ago. When I started grad school the past fall I was open with my classmates from the beginning, I guess since I have been able to pretty much avoid any confrontations over being gay with my parents I just haven't gotten use to the status quo with them, but I am beginning to tire of it even though it means having to go through a very difficult situation. Therefore I am thinking about coming out to them while they are here for the holidays, obviously after so as to not create any awkwardness in the course of the celbrations

I was just wondering what suggestions you all might have for ways of bringing it up and talking about it without it devolving into hostility and tears.

I know its kind of long and I am grateful for what ever advice you might have

Thanks.

Welcome to JUB!

I question whether you should let them know at all. You've mentioned their backgrounds, and sometimes parents choose their religion of their so-called "morality" (currently the biggest oxymoron in the English language) over their family (which is immoral whenever no psychological and/or physical damage and/or thread is, or has been, present).

It sounds like you want, and intend, to go ahead and…reveal.

Given your decision, I don't think you can do "damage control" over how your parents will react. You have to be realistic and pragmatic -- and accepting. You handling yourself is what's important. Your parents will take care of themselves on their end. (Haven't they always?)

There really are no guarantees. I do wish you good luck.

 

[StlKj]

Everything I have ever read about coming out has said NOT to do it at the holidays. This is a time when many people choose to do it, thinking that they can avoid the family for the most part throughout the year. What it often does, apparently, is put strain and stress on that holiday for years to come (perhaps even forever after). The holidays are a stressful time of traveling, preparing for the big event, and managing all sorts of small annoyances so that one can enjoy time with one's family. When a bombshell is dropped during them, people often react even more adversely than they would during a non-holiday time.

While I believe you should definitely come out if that is what you want to do, I question your need to do it now. Your parents are relying upon you for their lodging this weekend; that makes them a captive audience with little to do if they do not take it well. From the sounds of it, they will not take it well, and they could even feel manipulated into the whole situation to be caught off-guard.

My parents' response when I came out was, "Son, we love you, and you have to do what it takes to make you happy. We just don't want any details." It was the best response I could have expected, but I don't kid myself; when they got in the car and drove away after hugging me, I know there were tears, sadness and disappontment. They never showed it, and I gave them time to deal with their feelings as they needed. Doing this to your family at Christmas time will not allow them that time, and the shock or hurt they might have at the news will be attached to Christmas for some time to come.

I would suggest you read the thread entitled "Parent stages of Grief" at the beginning of the Coming Out and Relationships forum on JUB. It explains the process many parents go through when dealing with the information that their loved one is gay. While it may not be the same for everyone, it is a very realistic expectation that parents who don't know and may become upset will go through some form of grief. So ask yourself--is this really the time of year you want to have your parents going through any of those stages while you're all stuck together in your apartment? Even if you wait until the very end of the weekend to tell them, the fact that you did it at Christmas will still be there.

And one other telling question might be--Are you really doing this because you just can't hide who you are anymore and you need to be honest with them, or is there even just a little part of you that is wanting to do it in this manner as a way to be in your parents' face about it for all the times you've perceived that their reaction would be painful to you? If there's even a tiny fraction of wanting to do it to cause them some discomfort or pain, now is definitely not the time to do it.

Whatever you decide, good luck, and Happy Holidays.

 

[1billionserved]

Present to them that you are being honest to them for the first time in your life. They have to respect your honesty. They may not like the truth, but give them some credit, they may surprise you by accepting you for who you are. It's called unconditional love. My mother was very active in the catholic church in her younger days, and is still a devout catholic, and not even the church could convince her that there was anything wrong with her son, for being honest. The true sin is in the continued lie. Good luck, and I hope everhthing turns out as good for you, as it did for me.

 

[ajax49]

I think you should wait until after the holidays. Wait until you are not living under the same roof. It will take your parents some time to adjust to the idea, and this will be uncomfortable for all concerned. Don't spoil the holidays, and let them make the adjustment in their own time and on their own turf. The distance will help prevent an emotional flare-up between you and them. Merry Christmas, good luck, and a big hug!

 

[Xenos Morphe]

Apologize for the timing (it is on their dime).
It's who you are and you wanted them to hear it from you.
Make reservations at a nearby motel, just in case.
Relax, if you told your Sister, chances are they already know.

 

[antdak]

I'm in agreement with KILLJOKE, on this. I think after the holidays would be a more appropriate time to tell them. But like was said, do you really need to tell them? Ultimity it is your decsion to tell them and when and how you do that. Best of luck to you!

 

[Steppenwolf]

Welcome to JUB! It wasn't so long ago (5 months) that I was asking myself similar questions. I totally agree with Killjoke's comments. It's great that you want to be open with the people closest to you, but the holidays when your folks are staying with you may not be the best time. Both you and your parents may need some time alone after you tell them. I know I needed a day or two, and my coming out to my family went well.

As far as your parents not having shown tolerance for gay issues, consider that they most likely don't think they know any gay person, let alone somebody they love. I bet a lot of us can tell you of close family members and friends making anti-gay remarks or telling gay jokes before they knew we were gay.

I think it's great that you're planning on coming out to the rest of your family. Only you will know the time and place that's right for you. Just be prepared that you all may need some time apart to come to terms with what's just happened. Good luck, and let us know how things go.

 

[hermanding]

be nice and kind and do not lose control under any circumstances. there may be no way to prevent tears - possibly even anger. but you need to be able to be yourself. there ARE parents who cannot accept this 'abnormality'. some may be concealing some kind of guilt that they did something 'wrong'. hope you will let them know that you are happy with your sexuality and are a decent proud person. if there is any kind of break on their part, that is sad of course - but it is still worth it to live your life the way you see fit. you won't get another one. all the best of luck.
ding

 

[M4P]

I have to agree with a few of the posts in that Christmas may not be the best time to come out to your parents - perhaps you should wait until a few weeks after the holidays

I too grew up in a Catholic home and you would be surprised how opinions and beliefs will change once the family discovers one of their own is gay

It is very possible your parents already know or have a strong suspicion that you're gay. And, who knows, they may bring the subject up. If they do your job should be much easier

I don't have the answers as to how to bring up the subject. In my case my mother dragged it out of me. As for my father it went something like "Dad, there is something I need to bring out in the open...". He already knew and I just confirmed his suspicion

I don't know if this is going to help you or not. I applaud your decision to come out to your family and wish you the best of luck

 

[gabriel1]

I would have to agree with the wait until after the holidays, especially since they will be at your place and "have no place to run" when they get the news. Also telling them now might result in you forever hearing about or them telling everyone about how eire-phile WRECKED our celebration of the birth of OUR savior.... Grin & bear it, and come out after the stress is over.

 

[Elworth]

I agree that you should probably wait until after the holidays. I still remember the date I told my Mother, and surprisingly, she does, too. You don't want them to remember that at Christmas every year, do you?

If you do end up coming out, I wouild suggest just leaving out the things that you planned on putting away, as they will probably approach you about it if they are curious. If you are going to do come out, try and do it so that they ask you, and you aren't forced to sit them down foe "a talk."

Good luck and Merry Christmas!

 

[eire-phile]

Hey Everyone -

Thank you for all of the suggestions, it is wonderful to know the support system that JUB provides. I am sorry that I didn't respond sooner to your comments, I haven't had much time to spend online due to the holidays. I agreed with the recommendations not to tell my parents during their Christmas visit, it would have just made things too awkward and strained, so things have pretty much stayed the same.

They have now returned home and I do still want to tell them soon, but I am thinking that writing a letter might be more effective as it will let me say what I need to say while giving them their space to have their own reactions without them having to worry about how their initially feelings will affect me since I won't be their when they read it; but I will still be open to talking with them about what questions they might have.

Thanks again!