having trouble making friends.

[inlovewithblair]

hey y'all.

okay, so i'm just a little bit confused about things right now. i turned 19 at the beginning of summer and i've been going out a lot. i've met a whole bunch of new and really nice people. the only problem is that i'm just not clicking with anyone. yes, they're really nice and friendly, but i just see 'platonic' written all over it.

and, i'm talking about just friendships, not relationships. it seems like people are nice to me, but they're also super nice to everybody else, especially at clubs.

i want to find a nice circle of guys to chill with and go out, but it doesn't seem like there are many of them.

what's happened so far is that i've made a lot of good acquaintances, but no real friends.

help?

 

[hotb0d]

well the way the pyramid of friendship goes:

stranger > acquaintance > distance friend > friend > buddy for life

Give people time, hang in there with the platonic crowd. You can't expect to make good friends in just a few weeks. It usually takes months or even years to establish a close circle of friends

 

[VICTORIADON]

Are you only seeing these new people in the clubs? See if you can meet up with some of them outside of the club atmosphere. Many people have "club" personalities and "out of the club" personalities.

If you are in the "big" city overthere hang at some gay coffee shops or other gay owned/operated businessess.

Or, you could keep "club" friends as "club" friends and others seperate and don't mix the two groups.

We all go through it.

 

[Orlandude]

The guys above are right. Friendship is "earned", not freely handed out. It takes time to make a real friend or develop a circle of really close friends. Putting it in perspective, it has been said that if you go through your whole life and can count your REAL friends on only one hand, you are truly a lucky man.

Don't measure friendship by what goes on in the bars. A bar is not reality. It is a place to escape and have fun and, yes, meet people...most of whom will be "bar friends" only. I've met countless nice people in the bars but I've never had a meaningful relationship come out of any bar. I met my partners and real friends outside the bars. There are certainly exceptions but, by and large, I don't think most people find real friends in the bars. Just my opinion.

 

[rnailsone]

I've always found that you find GOOD friends through other friends. Stick with these people you never know who they might introduce you to.

 

[mydrew1]

There are always the usual gay social groups one can find in any large or medium sized city. Check your local L&G newspaper.

Not in Melbourne. My old school friends are all a Uni so I can't see them and their friends, lol. While there's a shopping complex near where I live it gets boring visiting it once a week or so.

 

[JakeBequette]

help?

spend money on them

j/k
j/k​

 

[mydrew1]

spend money on them​

If he moves into my street I'll visit him with pleasure ​

 

[Swellegant]

What are you offering them? Other than a warm body to bounce their friendliness off of?

A lot of making friends, when you're in a position of not having any to start with (like above, most of my friends were my other friends' friends first), the key thing is to follow through with offerings... not necessarily buying people stuff, but following up about going out to lunch or seeing a movie or having a game-night at your place with some of the gang.

I guess what I'm saying is that you have to be the active party, not the passive party. I'm a very passive person, myself, so I've had a hard time building friendships; but when I have built friendships it was when I took the lead and did the inviting to lunch and the planning outings and the bringing something interesting and unusual to the conversation.

Like during the course of a conversation, you are telling your acquaintance about your favorite movie and why you like it so much; he says he hasn't seen that movie...so invite him over to watch it (with someone else in the gang, too, to make sure we're all on the same platonic page), coordinate a time for this viewing that is mutually convenient, and give him your number and address for follow-up. Buy chips and dip and soda.

Or you're talking about modern art, what does everyone think about it? Well, why don't we all go to the museum and look at some? Maybe we can get some dinner while we're out, I know this great restaurant in that area.

Or we're all talking about how dreamy Orlando Bloom is, oh hey why don't we go see his new movie that's opening tomorrow? We can get some coffee afterward at Borders and do some book-browsing.

Bottom line: what are your interests? What makes you interesting? Start focusing on those two things (and if you haven't got either thing, get them fast), bring them out to fascinate and amaze, and you will make friends among the people you meet.