He finally made some admissions

[screwnutty]

The guy cares more about his livelihood than he cares about being comfortable with himself or about you.

Divorce him. You deserve better.

Agreed! Short and to the point as usual Luminum. Good Post!

 

[JackFTwist]

Divorce him. You deserve better.

I am not sure without knowing him where he is in his head - selfish and using or hurt and confused but you can't live his burdens, he has to resolve them and you need out of this insanity.

Divorce him. You, your life, deserve better.

 

[kayman23]

Hi Diane, although I've just basically read all your post and said nothing, but right now is the time for YOU AND ONLY YOU. I think you need to make serious decisions for yourself including divorce, relocation, and getting the proper counselling that you need to heal the psychological wounds that been created by the mess. You need to do this immediately and for yourself b/c I feel all he seem to want to do is burden you with his problems. You don't want to be the "Bag Lady", "the woman that is carrying somebody else's excess baggage in addition to their own" in this situation. So please for your own sanity and future, do things following things: DIVORCE, RELOCATE, AND HEAL. You will be so much more happier in the end b/c he is still not thinking about YOU and only about himself, so you have watch your own back and look out for you. It's time for you to be selfish.

 

[diane06]

Lex to answer your questions, no I am not employed outside of my home due to an auto accident several years ago. I've had three surgeries on my back that seem to have helped nothing but furthering my chronic pain. What's worse is in the future I will need at least two more surgeries that the doctors are reluctant to do at this time. They want to wait until things get to a certain point, when the surgery is really needed. So not only do I have no income except a small disability pension and I do mean small, and a little settlement in the bank. I have no health insurance what so ever and the money I have put back wouldn't begin to pay for my medical needs. Having said that if someone didn't know my medical history they'd never know by looking at me that I have this problem. I am just saying this because I don't want you to picture me as an invalid although I do have some restrictions I have never lived my life in that way.

I think you misunderstood my husbands meaning when he said I could destroy him. He was more or less thinking aloud and unbelieving that he even told me all that he did. He had kept this secret and talked to no one about it for 25 years.

Yesterday I told him that I thought his life must have been very hard, growing up in the small town we did, all his straight friends, his macho-drunken father and his many brothers. Not to mention his catholic upbringing that makes his feelings one of the worse sins or sickness in his church's eyes. He broke down and cried and said I had no idea. He told me a lot more. The slow progression of the truth coming out has been very hard on me, but I know it is hard for him too. When I think of all the pain he has gone through I feel sorry for him, because I know he will never admit to himself that he is gay or bi or whatever you call it. He will never ever admit this, not to me or even himself. So he looks at it as an illness, this further screws himself up and he wants to punish himself. Like I said, I feel sorry for him, then I remember that he cheated on me, betrayed me, and I stop feeling sorry for him and start feeling it for myself.
What are my options now? Stay with him and try to forget it for the financial support? Could I ever trust him? I don't think so because its not like it was a one time thing.....he has this compulsion, no matter how many times he said he wouldn't do it anymore he'd find himself there doing it again. It's almost like he can't help himself. He said that he would never go anyplace without me, keep track of his time on the way home from work etc. But who wants a husband that you must treat like a wayward teenager?
Another option is to file for divorce and do without the medical I need. I am not old enough for Medicare, too many assets to eligible for Medicaid and not physically able to keep a job that would give me benefits.
The third option would be to live with him in name only, but I think this would be hard because he would catch me in my weak times and I would give in to him.

He told me last night that he as long as we was together he would never do anything like that again and that if he felt those compulsions coming back he would talk to me about it because now he knows he can talk about anything to me, and also his therapist. But if I left him he said he couldn't promise that he wouldn't do it again. But he'd not meet them at the state parks, I guess one round of public humiliation was enough for him.

Some days I am so angry and hurt I could die, other days I just feel numb. And other days, when I allow him to hug me I want to melt into his arms and never leave. There are also the days when I want to go to sleep and never wake up.

There is so much more to this story and how our lives are, but I can't put all that in these post because they are public, so I use fake names and such, of course you probably guessed that. We are very well known people in this area due to circumstances. We as a couple are sat upon a pedestal, everyone thinks we are the perfect couple because we get along so well and always seem so happy. The nightmare that was my first marriage was long forgotten when I met Gary. I guess we went through so much before we met we really was thankful we had each other........at least that's what I used to think and its what others still think.

One thin I will say, that he has a good heart. I mean that he is good inside. I guess all this confusion about his sexuality has made him look pretty bad. Oh and by the way, he as said to me many times that he's been selfish. He knows that.
ok, I am done rambling for the day.
hugs to all and I really do appreciate your comments no matter what they are.
Diane

 

[rareboy]

He will never ever admit this, not to me or even himself. So he looks at it as an illness, this further screws himself up and he wants to punish himself.

Until he admits to himself and you and the world that being homosexual is not an illness, no one can help him. He needs to understand that he can be gay or bisexual and a fully functioning, normal person. He needs to have a therapist who can help him reach that point. Once he understands this, he'll likely start to heal.
Once you accept this, you'll be able to heal as well.

Once he's come to terms with this issue, then he should work on his addictive behaviour issues. AA might help, or an addiction progem through the local hospital. This should help him deal with his pathological lying and the rest of his low self esteem issues.

You, on the other hand, need to make sure that you don't feel diminshed by getting involved or re-involved in something bigger than your everyday life. Choose the right volunteer group to work with and put some energy and creativity into really making a difference in the lives of others. Try to meet new and interesting people who don't know you or your husband well and rebuild some of your life.

Remind him that he needs to not only admit he's selfish, but that he is, in fact, a liar of beyond the first order. He needs to take all the responsibility first, and then he can share it out later.

I'm still not getting the abject apology vibe from him that I'm looking for.

...and you're right, you can't be a warden for your husband. He's going to cheat again and the excitement will even be greater now because everything is at stake. Every time he gets away with it from now on will be a huge rush....just before the self-hatred starts to drive him toward self-destruction. Don't allow him to do this to you....or to himself, if you really have any affection for him.

I think you could tell him that you will stay with him in order to obtain the benefits you need without bankrupting him. I absolutely think it is impossible to rebuild trust, so you might as well start from that point as well. Separate rooms, separate lives...you ight be able to be friends, but make it clear that you will be looking for someone you can trust with your heart and happiness. When you find that guy, time to leave your husband to deal with it.

 

[bluedragon4]

I hate to write this cause it is my big secret but you are in so much pain so here goes........... My dad did the same stuff to my mom and caught hep b. They are still married and I know even several years ago he went to an adult bookstore to one of those booths. I also know when he was younger he was with older men. Was he molested? I don't know. I only know that when I came out at 15 he told me to never date older men. I remember them separating after the hep b incident. I was in maybe 3rd grade? I didn't know why at the time but my mom told me when I was in my mid-20's. My dad always went to "workout" for 2 hours everyday when I was growing up. He is not in shape from all these gyms. We joked he had another family and he would get mad. What was he really up to? I have a clue but nothing that I know for sure. They have been married 37 years now and my mom never really had a full time job. She has worked small part time jobs here and there. My dad was so excepting of me being gay and I think at times he wonders if my life is the life he could of had. I love my parents very much and they are very close. My dad and mom live across the street from me now which is odd cause I left the house at 18 and never lived with them or near them till now. My dad takes very good care of me and my sister and would do anything for us or my mom. I was angry with him for a while when I found out stuff he did but he is a good dad and husband. I don't know if he does stuff now. My friends use to joke that I would run into him somewhere seedy. I only ever told my close friends at the time cause I couldn't deal. This could have been my dad. It was my dad during the hep b episode. He really hurt us when my mom threw him out for that short time. I'll never forget being that young and crying with my parents. My dad must have been so guilty and scared. I can't tell you what to do or how to feel but somehow my mom found a place for it. One day I will ask her but it's not a subject I like at all. I use to think she should leave but she needs my dad to handle the everyday things. Like bills or medical. She thinks she could never learn that stuff. My mom has only been with my father and they do have a good time together still.. I use to think she should find someone who really loves her but now I know he does really love her. It might be hard to explain to a woman that need cause I know zilch about woman. My friends call it "the call of the wild". What you are going through is hard. You are at that moment my mom was. I don't know if you have kids cause I didn't read everything you wrote but if you do I would try to work it out if you can. I still have my core family together at 34 and even my sister lives next door to me and my boyfriend. I don't have any other family but them. My heart is with you.

 

[megustamyn]

Diane,

You are going through an extremely difficult time. There is an organization called the Straight Spouse Network (http://www.straightspouse.org) made up primarily of straight women and men who are or are have been married to gay or bisexual people. It may help to talk to others who have gone through similar experiences.

I now there are couples that work through things and stay together while others decide the best thing for both is to separate. It seems to me that the worst thing in your case is a serious violation of trust, and that is very difficult to get past.

My own partner was married to a woman for many years and was dragged out of the closet when his wife and his lover’s wife walked in on them while they were in bed together. The other guy claimed he was experimenting, begged forgiveness and stayed with his wife a few more years until he finally left her for another man. I met my partner long after he had divorced and was living openly as a gay man. We’ve been together 10 years, but I must admit that sometimes I ask myself, “If he did that to her, might he do it to me sometime?” I think the answer is no. He had married a woman because it was expected of him but he always wanted a man.

He is a wonderful man. I know his ex-wife is a wonderful woman and a great mother to their children. Their marriage was a mistake. They had been best friends most of their lives and he loved her, but he was never in love with her. After their divorce, they both moved away and started over because they lived in a small town where everyone knew them. I know it took her a lot longer to heal than it did him, in part because he was integrated into the gay community in a large city while she felt alone for a long time. Financially, it was a major setback for both of them, but in the long run they are both happier people.

I guess what I’m saying is that perhaps it’s time for both of you to start over.

 

[backpacker]

Hi Diane,

I've been away for a few days and see that many things have transpired. I've said it before, but it's worth repeating, none of this is your fault.

Your husband is obviously still lying to you. Even when you confront him with the facts you know, he continues to make up lies to cover himself. Part of this may be denial, but I think more of it is due to embarrassment and his desire to keep his secrets secret. All the stuff you witnessed on the tape is true, don't believe his cover up lies.

He also seems to be far more concerned with himself than with you. He is desperately trying to hang on to you so that he won't be outed. Him offering to give up sex with you for as long as it takes is not really offering anything. Since his real attraction is to men, it's like you offering to give up sex with woman.

My instinct is that he is gay, not bi. Even if he was bi, therapy is never going to change his attraction to guys and he's clearly not the type to be honest or faithful. He loves you in his own way, but he doesn't love you the way a husband should love a wife.

What do you get out of this relationship? Where do you see the relationship in 5 years? Can you be happy being married to a guy you can't trust? What is best for you? You need to face these serious questions and make some big decision in your life.

I'm sorry to be so doom and gloom, but his continued lies and actions suggest to me that there is little hope for your marriage. You deserve far better. Please seek out some individual counseling to help you deal with all these issues. I wish you the best.

 

[diane06]

He's told me so much now that I think its finally all out. He actually told me he likes to give head, can you believe he actually told me that? Damn, this is all so surreal to me, you have no idea. But he also told me he likes to be with women more than men and he'd gladly give up the other life to be with me.
To be honest I don't know if he really means it or just thinks he means it. Its a pathetic situation no matter how you see it. I might file for divorce, or I might stay with him for the insurance for the next couple of years. Or I might try to forgive him, but the truth is I don't think I could ever fully trust him again, knowing there is this other "need" in his life. I guess what it comes down to is that I have to make the decision, no one can do that for me. No matter how broken hearted I am or how much I cry, nothing will change whats transpired. His therapist told him this week that even though he thinks those feelings are gone, they will come back, which is exactly what I told him. He was traumatized when he got into trouble so that dumped some cold water on him, but with time, he will get those feelings and needs back,,,,what then I ask? He says he can over come them and even come to me and talk to me about it, because now he feels since I know everything he can talk to me about anything. Just what I'll be wanting to hear eh?
I met his therapist this week and after his session the therapist was flirting with me I think, while my husband was setting up the next appointment. Maybe he was just trying to be nice and make me feel better, knowing what I've been through. He did kind of make me feel good when he said he was shocked when my husband told him my age because he would have swore I was at least 15 years younger. Are all men the same? lol just joking.
I'll check out that website.
I feel stupid for saying this so much but I really, really do appreciate you guys and all that you've had to say, no matter what. Some how it helps to be able to vent a little and have someone answer back that seems to care.
hugs and kisses to you all,
Diane

 

[luminum]

He's told me so much now that I think its finally all out. He actually told me he likes to give head, can you believe he actually told me that? Damn, this is all so surreal to me, you have no idea. But he also told me he likes to be with women more than men and he'd gladly give up the other life to be with me.
To be honest I don't know if he really means it or just thinks he means it. Its a pathetic situation no matter how you see it. I might file for divorce, or I might stay with him for the insurance for the next couple of years. Or I might try to forgive him, but the truth is I don't think I could ever fully trust him again, knowing there is this other "need" in his life. I guess what it comes down to is that I have to make the decision, no one can do that for me. No matter how broken hearted I am or how much I cry, nothing will change whats transpired. His therapist told him this week that even though he thinks those feelings are gone, they will come back, which is exactly what I told him. He was traumatized when he got into trouble so that dumped some cold water on him, but with time, he will get those feelings and needs back,,,,what then I ask? He says he can over come them and even come to me and talk to me about it, because now he feels since I know everything he can talk to me about anything. Just what I'll be wanting to hear eh?
I met his therapist this week and after his session the therapist was flirting with me I think, while my husband was setting up the next appointment. Maybe he was just trying to be nice and make me feel better, knowing what I've been through. He did kind of make me feel good when he said he was shocked when my husband told him my age because he would have swore I was at least 15 years younger. Are all men the same? lol just joking.
I'll check out that website.
I feel stupid for saying this so much but I really, really do appreciate you guys and all that you've had to say, no matter what. Some how it helps to be able to vent a little and have someone answer back that seems to care.
hugs and kisses to you all,
Diane

If you really think your therapist is flirting with you, the two of you need to find a new one. Flirting with your clients, especially when you're supposed to be helping a couple with marriage/sexuality issues is completely unethical.

 

[rareboy]

Jesus wept. Stay away from the therapist. What he's doing definitely borders on, if not crosses the line of being unethical.

He's just as bad as your husband.

Have you started seeing your own therapist yet??????

 

[diane06]

Of course you are right about the therapist. I'll wait to see when I talk to him further how he behaves, maybe it was just me.

Anyway, no I haven't seen anyone else. Do you think it is not a good idea to see the same one has my husband? It took to sessions just to get the whole sorted story out to this one, I thought since he knew the whole background I could use him before.......never did anything like this before so I don't know.

 

[G-Lexington]

You've told us one thing about the therapist, which tells me enough to say "Find yourself another one."

Lex

 

[backpacker]

Hi Diane,

Sounds like you are getting closer to the whole truth. I don't believe that he will be able to "give up" or even control his urges for men. I would say he is probably sincere, but lying to himself.

The therapist's remarks sound inappropriate. He may have said those to try to make you feel better or he could have been flirting with you. The therapist seems to be doing a great job with your husband, but will you be able to truly open up with the lingering doubt about him flirting with you? I would say it would be best for your husband to continue with him and for you to get your own therapist. You could ask for a referral from his therapist and allow the two of them to compare notes.

You appear to have a good grasp on what your options regarding your marriage and as you noted only you can decide what is best for you. I wish you the best.

 

[rareboy]

Do you think it is not a good idea to see the same one has my husband?

I think you should see a separate therapist; which is not to say that you shouldn't see your husband's therapist with him for some joint therapy sessions. Two different things. His therapist shouldn't be a mediator or mitigator between the two of you. Your therapy should not be just an extension of his. There might be some issues that are yours and yours alone to work through without being constrained by his potentially less than honest behaviour. Your husband may be holding back with his therapist because he is trying to hang onto you and may want to have a greater level of control over information if he thinks it may have an impact on your time with the therapist.

Your therapist should come to your situation with a clean slate in order to help you the most. I'm sure you can bring him or her up to date pretty quickly. You might also discuss the best approach to take with them. It may be that more joint therapy with your husbands is the way to go and you have your own therapist as a kind of back up.

I just immediately have a problem with you having a patient/therapist relationship if you already perceived that he was flirting with you. Spells disaster.