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he flirted. now what?

M

marksstuff

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here's my predicament. i am a 40 year old very closeted married gay guy. no one knows at all. i have known this 17, almost 18 year old guy since he was practically born. our families have been very close since then. he and his family have no idea or his family would never let me near him. they are very conservative.

so what happened? well, the two families went on vacation together last week. the 17 year old wanted to spend most of his time with me. which was fine with me cause i have a lot in common with him and we have fun together. toward the end of the week he and i went swimming together. the whole time i am sure he was flirting with me. he started with wrestling, during which he "accidently" grabbed my crotch once and slowly ran his hand down my crotch and inner thigh. i was shocked at first. then he started massaging me. he tried about 20 times to "pants" me. later he said he didn't know where the bathroom was and wanted me to "go with him" and show him where it was.

now i am not saying he wanted to have sex with me. he is very sheltered by his parents and naive and i am sure very innocent. i know at his age, one of the things i always wanted was to see the men i looked up to naked. it was some kind of bonding thing. i would have been too afraid to have sex with them and if he really is gay, i wouldn't be surprised if that is what he is looking for as well. and there is no way i would ever do anything with him even after he turns 18 at the beginning of the year. although that was the first time i saw him in a bathing suit since he was little and he has a hot body. wouldn't mind taking a peak of him myself after he is of legal age, but absolutely no more.

There is one other explination for his actions. his older brother is straight but likes "playing" gay. thinks it is funny when people think he is gay. now he may interact with his younger brother in the ways that he interacted with me and the kid just thinks it is normal between close guys. i told you he is very sheltered and naive. what do you think? i see this guy a couples times a week and i am not sure what to do if he was flirting. if he is gay, i want to know, i know he is going to need some help, but i can not under any circumstances come out to him for the sake of my wife and children. help what do i do?
 
Well, marksstuff, I just wanted to say that -- whoops -- hey, where'd he go?
 
Sure it's flattering, but seeing as you are more a father figure than anything, I wouldn't allow him to move on his impulses.

However, you can be a fantastic friend, confidant, and advocate for him in the years to come.

I find that more rewarding than a one-night fling.
 
You are married and have kids. I dont care how gay someone acted, if I was interacting with someone who was in that position, I would really not have any thoughts about them being gay.

I honestly think he has no idea, and he is just playing around because he feels like you are an older "cool" guy who he can look up to. Maybe he wants what you have (a nice wife and kids).

If you are that close and he really is gay, there is a good chance he will tell you when he is ready.
 
that one is too complicated for me

maybe the relationship with his parents is more important than any ideas of right and wrong...

I'm sure some other folks will have a few ideas though

:corn: :corn: :corn: :corn: :corn: :corn:

someone pass the brownies
 
Maybe he is gay, and maybe he is interested in you, but I wouldn't go near him sexually. You should act as a mentor to him, because if he is in that sheltered and that conservative of a family, he has no one to turn to.

You don't have to come out to act as a mentor/confidant.

If he knows you are less conservative than his family, he may realize you would be more understanding of his predicament than his own family. Why not broach the subject? Do you have any openly gay friends or relatives? Mention them; see if he reacts at all. Tell him how you're OK with homosexuality.

Then provide him with information, links, etc. that he could never get through his own family.

You could just act homo-friendly as opposed to homosexual or homophobic.
 
Let the guy find a b/f his own age. He can experiment all he wants with them. You have too much too lose my friend. Damn tough controlling those urges sometimes but you've got to.
 
I swear some people here don't read very thoroughly before they post. He said he has NO INTENTION of getting involved with the boy. He wants to know if we think the kid's flirting with him and what to do if it happens again. IMO, yes he was flirting, though he may not have had a clear idea or expectation of where it would lead. I would maintain the nice family friend relationship, but avoid any one-on-one experiences such as you mentioned. If you wound up "advising" him about being gay, if he is, what happens if he mentions that to his parents for some reason? If he should ask about it, you could suggest he google gay youth hotlines or support groups. I just suspect his parents wouldn't be too happy, if you inserted yourself in an advisary way into their son's sexual identity issues.
 
If he cares if he was flirting, he clearly has other intentions too. Not saying there is anything wrong with that (if you wait till he is 18) but lets face it, that is the big part.

If he seems to be enjoying himself, and seems to like you, I dont see why you would question his sexual orientation otherwise. If you have no other intentions, who cares if he is gay? As I said, he sees you are married, he sees you have kids, he has no reason to believe that you are gay or interested. He is just a young guy playing around with a guy he finds cool (as much as he knows a VERY straight guy..if you have kids and a wife, that is what you are )
 
Hi folks, I moved this from Hot Topics to this no-flame zone (and edited the thread accordingly). It more aptly belongs here anyway.

OK, offtopic:
 
I'm curios what kind of role model you think you can be as a closeted gay married man with kids.

I'm also curious as to what kind of help you were thinking you could give him.

Maybe the best thing you could do (and there's no way you'll do it) is to come out to him and tell him not to make the same mistake you did.

Best thing is to hope he'll come out all on his own and when he does, to tell his parents not to be so hard on him.
 
mark, you might wanna have a chat with a few of the gay men here who are married wo women who know that they're gay.

Smaq44 comes to mind.

He and his wife seem to have made it work for them... good luck.

And good for you in keeping your vows and all that... not all married guys do that.
 
gaywill19 said:
i just think that if you care enough about someone to marry them you should love each other enough to do with it and work something out.
Click to expand...



I had a dove and the sweet dove died;
And I have thought it died of grieving:
O, what could it grieve for? Its feet were tied,
With a silken thread of my own hand's weaving.
John Keats​


When you owe your happiness or success to withholding the truth, the truth doesn't set you free, it imprisons you. Many gay men who married women did so because they thought they were doing the right thing. They didn't realize how much they had internalized the homophobic heterosexist culture of family, church, school, etc. They lived their life based upon the expectations of others.

Big mistake.

One essential ingredient for happiness is living in integrity.

But we can correct our mistakes.

It's scary as hell. It starts with honesty with yourself, then with those you love.

I'm a combat veteran, but I've never been as scared as when I told my wife I was gay.

During the year since I came out, I found lousy support among gay/bi married men; too many people looking for validation for living out of integrity. My best support comes from openly gay men who have made the choices I want to make: to live authentically and embrace who I am.

Every day my wife and I work at strengthening the bonds that hold us to each other. (Isn't this what all couples – gay or straight - must do?)

Living in integrity should be the litmus test for how to would proceed in your relationship with your 17 year old friend.

Mac
 
Soilwork said:
And good for you in keeping your vows and all that... not all married guys do that.
Click to expand...

i wouldn't exactly call myself a saint, but i just want to make the best of a difficult/not perfect situation and be there(actually in the house) for my kids and make the best out of my marriage as i can at least as long as i can.
 
I think it's unusual for a 17/18 year old to be this foreward with someone who is 40 and a friend of his parents.

If he was indeed flirting with you, then he must have had a strong enough reason to think it was ok. Perhaps your not as deeply closeted as you think?

Whatever, I think it was inappropriate behaviour and my approach would be to tell him that it was ok to play in this way with his buddies, but that he should respect the boundaries with you. You can be a friend to him, but maintain your position as a parent figure.
 
In quick reply its the button to the right of the big A, and looks like a world with a chain link

In advanced reply its the same button, but its underneath the smiley button.

Just create a new thread and right before you post it click on this button. A scripted window will pop up and ask for your link. Copy and paste this link into that box.
 
FLIRTING?

Flirting is when you look at somebody with sexual intention. Flirting is when you smile and act cute.

This guy grabbed your crotch and slowly rubbed your inner thigh. And you wonder if that is flirting?

Now keep your distance unless you want real trouble.
 
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