He is such a nice guy

[MMMonsterBoy]

Shoots me texts, calls me, and is pretty sweet to me. He might be one of the nicest guys I've met thus far. So everything should be okay? Well...I'm not really attracted to him. Face wise he does not do it for me..same goes for some other details. I mean, is being nice really enough? As sweet as he is, he is just not my type. I thought I was being shallow at first, but I realized we don't have all that much in common anyhow. I feel horribly because we had our date today and showed him my dorm. We fooled around (though I never intended for that to happen) and it wasn't bad; I don't want him thinking I'm using him. I enjoyed his company as a friend a lot, but I can't really see myself dating him. I'm not passionate about him...there really isn't any sparks in it for me. How do I tell him this? He is really into me and I am not a heartbreaker (usually it is the other way around). I just do not want him to think I am searching for more than friendship with him...but I don't want to hurt him. Guess I should grow a pair and just tell him straight up, 'I think we should keep it as friends' ?

 

[G-Lexington]

No, it's not wrong that you don't feel anything for him. But it IS wrong that you fooled around with him, since you sent him an extremely strong message that you were interested in more.

What to do? Tell him. "You're a really great guy. So great that I keep giving myself another date hoping that I'll start developing feelings for you. But I'm afraid I'm just not feeling any chemistry on my end. I'm really sorry."

Lex

 

[MMMonsterBoy]

Thanks Lex. I really wish I had not messed around him (for the sake of not wanting to lead him on), but I pulled him into a hug to say goodbye and he started kissing on my neck (my weak spot)...one thing lead to another. Anyhow, I really liked your advice..thanks again

 

[Georgiadude]

You can't help that there isn't any attraction. It's either there or it isn't. There is more to a relationship than physical attraction though. I've been attracted to some guys that turned out to be gigantic jerks. They look good but that's all they have going for them. I'm just saying that you shouldn't rule him out just yet. Get to know him better and maybe with time that spark will develop. Do not lead him on though. You need to be honest with him. Be friends and see what happens. He's going to be very hurt. I know I would be. It's not fun having your emotions played with. whether you intended to do it or not. You made a big mistake. You owe it to him to be honest. Don't drag this out. The longer it goes on the harder it's going to be on both of you. Let him decide if he wants to continue being friends. He very well may not.

 

[Nomenclature]

Next time, don't take your friends back to your bedroom and have sex with them.

Then you won't have to worry about giving any "wrong messages, or leading anyone on.

 

[hylas]

break things off, this isnt going anywhere. and you cant have him as a friend, either, im afraid; and there is no way you can tell him without hurting him. but you can, and should, make the end less painfull by getting it over with instead of drawing this out.

 

[KaraBulut]

Normally, honesty is the best policy. However, since you messed around with him, it's a little late to use the "I'm not feeling it" speech.

It's probably better to say, "I don't regret fooling around- I enjoyed it and it's not something that I would have done with just anyone- you're a special guy to me. But I'm worried that you're feeling something that I don't feel. I care enough about you as a friend that I don't want you to get hurt by getting emotionally involved with someone who really likes you as a friend but is not the right guy for you".

 

[MMMonsterBoy]

Thanks you guys, really appriciate it. I did enjoy messing around him, a lot, but I don't want him to feel as though I am using him. As of now I just want to be friends and would prefer that he does not get caught up in me. Maybe down the line my attraction for him will increase. I've never had a gay friend though (least in person), and I really wouldn't mind.

 

[pausanias_usa]

There are a lot of gay guys who had sex with someone and then became good platonic friends: don't rule it out, just gradually let it be known sex is out, but getting together for fun is ok.

I don't think a sudden notice is the way to go, though. Keep up the good part of the friendship while steering slowly away from the physical.

Who knows, he may feel the same way.

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>I don't think a sudden notice is the way to go, though. Keep up the good part of the friendship while steering slowly away from the physical.

Well, I can't speak for you, but if I finally ended up having sex with a guy, I'd assume that we were a physical couple from then on out. If the guy still got together to hang out, but kept "steering me away" from the bedroom, I'd think something was majorly wrong. I'd say it's best to be up front about that.

Lex

 

[TX-Beau]

For me, if I sleep with a guy, I don't have any assumptions that we are a couple. There have to be other more important things involved for me to go there.

But I agree with Lex that it's far better to be honest than to play some kind of game about this.

I have to disagree with Kara somewhat, now is exactly the time to have that talk. If you say nothing, you'll let him believe that what he wants is what he's getting - and aside from you pursuing a campaign of being a concerted asshole, he'll probably interpret things in his favor - UNLESS you're honest and clear.

if you knew he had a thing for you it was unwise to mess around with him. There are plenty of other guys you can do that with without the issue.

 

[MMMonsterBoy]

So I told him how I've felt. He's okay with it, and is okay with being friends, with benefits too. He's still being really clingy, though. I just don't want him to think I'm all his and he's all my mine. Since I consider him a friend, I don't want to hurt him.

One of my friend's is being really annoying, however. She thinks I'm being picky, but she's never been on a date. She turns guys down like that. Unfortunately, I had to explain to her that being a nice guy does not make someone boyfriend material. She wants me to give him a chance, but clearly there is nothing that makes me crave to see him again. Even though he and I are friends with benefits, I'm not going to delude him into thinking I want an actual relationship. I'm fine with being just his friends and I don't find anything beyond friendship within him.

Sorry guys I just had to rant, and thanks for your advice everyone it was most helpful

 

[hotatlboi]

with benefits too. He's still being really clingy, though.

Well, then you might have to cease the "benefits" part of the friendship.

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>So I told him how I've felt. He's okay with it, and is okay with being friends, with benefits too. He's still being really clingy, though. I just don't want him to think I'm all his and he's all my mine. Since I consider him a friend, I don't want to hurt him.

I'd lay off the "benefits" part for now. You might not have any trouble separating "sex" from "relationship", but if he's acting clingy, it may be that he does. He may feel that the sex might eventually lead to a full-fledged relationship, or that as long as you're having sex with him, you're not interested in looking elsewhere.

Lex

 

[MMMonsterBoy]

I'd lay off the "benefits" part for now. You might not have any trouble separating "sex" from "relationship", but if he's acting clingy, it may be that he does. He may feel that the sex might eventually lead to a full-fledged relationship, or that as long as you're having sex with him, you're not interested in looking elsewhere.

Lex

I never thought of it that way. I'll take that into consideration for sure. Gee this is getting complicated

 

[TX-Beau]

I never thought of it that way. I'll take that into consideration for sure. Gee this is getting complicated

Clingy is almost always about insecurity and lack of independence. Clingy FWBs (Friends with benefits situation,) tend to have a fairly predictable pattern of destruction.

I'm going to prognosticate.

[Sybil] So there you are fucking him - thinking you have a nice tidy, no strings FWBs. Just one problem, he's already emotionally engaged. He's going to think he's your boyfriend on some level whether you are or not, even if he never says it, that's there lurking just below the surface.

He'll tell himself that you really want him, just need some time, and that he's justified in clinging like a leach to you emotionally and physically. Because of course your hard cock means his feelings are reasonable - it's you who just won't give in and see that.

He'll have fits if you so much as look as someone else, let alone what might happen if you actually hook-up with someone else. Then he'll drop all that emotional baggage right on your head because you betrayed him.

Drama will ensue, you'll insist that you were clear about the FWBs, and he'll accuse you of knowing and stringing him along.

...and he'll end up alone, with no friend - benefits or otherwise - posting on here about what an asshole you are and how you lied to him - and why oh why are there no guys in the world who want a "relationship."[/Sybil]


Don't keep sleeping with him, he has feelings for you, you don't have feelings for him, it's unkind, and unwise.

Take him out and get him laid elsewhere, Encourage him to say yes to guys who ask him out, and ask out guys he likes. Be a friend, but no more than that.

 

[LatinCoffee]

You're being honest with yourself and it's better you let him know now than have him evolve emotions for you. In the long run, you're doing the best thing by expressing how you feel. Just go for coffee or just ask if he can talk on the phone or maybe do lunch.

 

[MMMonsterBoy]

Thanks again guys! I've been in his shoes and I'd hate to make anyone feel that way (being led on). He's already emotionally attached (was before we even met). Like five minutes into our IM convo (before we met) he claims 'I'd date you.' I like that he's sweet guy with good intentions, but the last thing I want to do is give him false hope. So I will certainly take everyones advice and not sleep with him so that things don't get worse for him.

 

[youngnihilist]

He's sweet because he's into you, okay? He may or may not be a genuinely nice person. But he's acting all nice to get you. So see that.