He picked Grindr over me.

[ShyFrancisco]

Hi, I am new and sort of just venting I guess. I am 22 and my ex is 31 years older then me. He is my first and only boyfriend so far. It will be 3 years next month from when we met and started dating. I completely fell in love with him from the beginning. He was married with 2 kids who he was out with by the time we met, but his wife died of cancer a year before. Thanks to him I have been through many things I never would have imagined happening or wanted to experience in my life. Something like having to help him through a suicide attempt when he took way too many sleeping pills. It was terrifying and felt like I was living a television show. I never called 911 in my life so that was full of new experiences. I also ended up meeting his kids for the first time at the hospital that night. I am half a month younger then his youngest and they are 2 years apart, so that was pretty awkward.

I ended up moving in with him after about 10 months of being together. His kids don't live with him. It was great we are both very easy going so we got along great. So far that was the happiest I think I have ever been. Until he went on a half a month long trip without me and ended up cheating on me. He asked me in a e-mail if he could try hooking up with someone from Grindr near the end of the trip. We had talked a little about opening up the relationship but I asked him not to so we could talk more about it and he promised he wouldn't do anything. Well he broke that promise. We tried to work it out and stay together but he became more and more distant. I woke up one day to the cops kicking me out of his place. He wouldn't see me or say a single word to me. One of the cops was really nice and felt bad for what I was going through. That helped make it easier. I even ended up coming out to my family that day since I needed somewhere to go and I felt ready anyway. It was only my mother and sister but they accept me.

For 10 months I don't hear a single thing from him. I am very shy and bad at meeting people so I had hookups but nothing got anywhere close to serious. All of a sudden he tried getting in contact. Pathetic me still loved him so we met for coffee. He told me how he was with this other guy for awhile but broke up a couple months before. He said he wanted to see me again but still be close friends with his ex and even hook up with him. Extremely pathetic me actually tried going with it. He was open about it with both of us and we both had too many problems with it. So in the end he chose to be with me but still wanted to be just friends with his ex. He was also addicted to Grindr but deleted it because he knew it bugged me. While together again he is diagnosed bipolar. But that didn't matter to me. What mattered to me was he had a trip planned with his ex from before we started seeing each other again. I tried to accept it because he promised he wouldn't do anything with his ex. But it was for over a month. I ended up breaking up with him.

He comes back and of course insanely pathetic me goes and takes him back for a night. We had a great night together but he also ended up coming back needing his Grindr. The next day I had a talk with him during breakfast telling him how it was putting stress on me that I really didn't need and if he would possibly stop using it. Also that I wasn't sure if I could handle being with him if he didn't. He couldn't even give me a reason to what he needs it for or does on it. Well as the title says he picked Grindr over me. After that I threw my food in his face and walked away. I never hurt him once during the whole time being together except maybe the food throwing. After forgiving him how many times for screwing me over and accepting his qwerks like his ED or being bipolar and many more, he still picked it over me. Probably wondering why I even want to be with him, well we just go very well together in many ways and I just couldn't stop loving him no matter how much I tried and wanted to. But thanks to that I can finally move on. Sorry for writing so much I don't really expect anyone to read it. Just needed to vent my pathetic life somewhere.

 

[shastamc24]

I am very sorry to read about your situation. I think that many of the new apps and technological advances can be a great tools, but sometimes, such as in your case, they can be a major, hurtful, distraction. Grindr is an example of something that be used for good or evil, for lack of a better word. I think it can be a fun way to meet people and certainly serves it's purpose as a hook-up tool. That been said, I think it can definitely injure a relationship because the other person constantly has a fear lingering over their heads that their partner or boyfriend will find someone more attractive or whatever, and leave you in the dust. I would love to know about why he is so compelled to use it, even after you talked to him over and over.

Your example is one of the things I dislike about Grindr. I think that if you are single, it can be great fun. Heck, it can be great fun if not. But I think it is something your boyfriend has a right to know about. There are probably some who disagree with that, but i will say from experience, it can make things awkward. My ex was using his phone once and grindr was on the screen and it definitely through me for a loop. When someone is in a relationship, it can make you feel pretty bad about yourself. True, it probably shouldn't be that big of a deal, but it is definitely something that just kind of sticks in the back of your mind. Have you asked him if he still feels like he is an addict? Porn/Grindr/whatever else is definitely a real addiction these days. What is he getting from checking Grindr? Does he just like looking and judging (hah) or does he feel a pull constantly to find something "better" ?

It does definitely beg the question of why someone who wants to be in a monogamous relationship would be looking a grindr. I mean, yes theoretically you can make friends, but I almost feel like if you have such low self-esteem that you feel you need an internet app to make friends, maybe you need to work on that, as well.

In any event, Grindr is definitely an increasing issue, and can certainly lead to all sort of negative feelings, but it in an of itself is not the problem. The problem may be the entire nature of the relationship (age, history, etc) and the feelings that Grindr brings out in you. I hope that you are able to sift through the difference.

 

[HunterM]

Welcome to JustUsBoys!

Wow...you have gone through a lot than most 22 year old people. You made the right decision to break up permanently with him. Those who do not learn from history are bound to repeat it. My advice is don't look for a serious relationship during your rebound period. You are only 22. Give yourself time, 6 months to a year, to process and learn about yourself...love yourself...heal yourself. Research and learn about codependency. It is not healthy. Learn how to spot them in the future. Most importantly, What did you learn from this experience? What would you have done differently?

Qualities that you're looking for in your next partner, make sure you have them as well. Otherwise, you will fall back into the codepenent behavior.

 

[Rolyo85]

Your first red flag was that he was married and with children, and so much older than you. I know what people say about age differences, but you were barely legal at the time, and he was being dishonest to his family (even through the mere fact of being gay and having married to a woman).

Your second red flag was that he wanted to have sex with someone younger than his children. That is just sick on so many levels I can't believe it. This isn't so much about the age difference, as it is about the comparison. In his mind it was ok to have sex with someone who could be his son or daughter's classmate.

Your third red flag was when he tried to kill himself, thus clearly demonstrating mental and emotional instability.

Your fourth red flag was when he cheated on you. One time cheating COULD be forgivable, but the circumstances were just too shady, especially combined with my previous paragraphs.

Your fifth red flag was when he kicked you out of his house for no reason (if we believe you).

Your sixth red flag was when he decided he'd still have you around, I'm assuming for sex purposes.

Your seventh red flag was when he decided he'd rather have the easy access to cheap sex through Grindr than a relationship with you.

ANY of those is enough to terminate any and all contact with this piece of unstable trash, and I think you know that. Grindr is not at fault here. He is. And so are you for enabling him. I am being a bit harsh, but what I am trying to say is that you are now in a situation where you could follow HunterM's advice, or use your ONE terribly wrong experience with relationships as a template for living your life - seeking older closeted men with internal conflicts that are nowhere near your capacity to fix, being the victim in a perpetual cycle of emotional (and sooner or later physical) abuse. You don't deserve that. Nobody does.

So I will add to HunterM's suggestion - think REALLY hard on the things that were the cause of the meltdown. And yes, the difference in ages (which often is a result of a low self-esteem in the younger guy, which you also admitted to) is also part of that. Find out what all the things were that mad this not work. And next time you get attracted to someone, look carefully for signs of them. If you find them, then you still haven't done with your own issues.

And ironically, this experience should boost your ego. In some ways this sounds like it was all about sex for him. Which means you're hot enough for just sex. Which is nothing to sneer at, and would help you with making contact with actual decent people - maybe around your age this time

 

[ShyFrancisco]

Wow thanks guys for bothering to read all that. I have been doing lots of thinking and am very grateful for all the advice. I am not trying to blame Grindr at all for what happend. I have no problem with Grindr or anyone who uses it. I have realized I didn't fully trust my partner and I know it cant work without trust. I do have very low self esteem but that's not the reason I was with a older man. I am a gerontophile meaning I am only attracted to older men. its something I don't like about myself but I have accepted it. I am extremely shy and one of those overly nice people who would never try to hurt someone. It makes it very easy for people to take advantage of me. I realize I need to change to stop that from happening again. I have no desire of getting a new partner anytime soon. I have learned a lot from this and am going to use it all to make better choices in the future. Thank you guys this has helped a lot.

 

[HunterM]

Don't stop being nice. Just don't let people take advantage of your niceness. Learn to be assertive and set boundaries...what's acceptable to you and what's not acceptable to you.

Best wishes!

 

[future_retro]

I don't want to offer much advice or commentary on the relationship itself but want to say that IMO your main issue is a huge lack of self-esteem and you really need to work on that. You have allowed someone to walk all over you, repeatedly, and no-one does that if they have healthy self-esteem. My advice? Consign this 'man' to the dust bin, write him off and invest your time and energy into working on yourself - not others. I don't know where you live or what resources are available in your area (but I'm assuming San Francisco) - Google is your friend; it's your connection to support groups, counsellors, medical professionals, books and other tools that will help you, over time, build up a healthy self-esteem.

You seem like a lovely guy - you're obviously sensitive and caring - and I'm sure you've got a lot going for you, so please don't take what I've said above as negative criticism. All the best, buddy.