He Talks About Me "All The Time"

[topherlover555]

So
I've had a crush on this guy for since I can't remember. And lately I've decided to let him grow. I realize when someone needs time and he clearly needs it. I came out to him last year and he was hesitant at first but okay with it. Now, we've become extremely close friends. We see each other at least once a week with our other friends.
Here's the thing. Everyone thinks he's gay and I feel bad for him. And it feels that, as the group gets bigger when we hang out, he tries to distance himself from me sometimes and sometimes he doesn't. My other friends think he acts weird in public because he doesn't want anyone to think 'why is he hanging out with the gay guy? Is he gay too?' which makes sense to me. But then why would he be so close to me when no one else is around?
Anyways, his best friend messaged me the other day and told me that he keeps talking about me. Everytime they go out, he brings me up at least 3 times. I told her that I found that odd considering he acts like he hardly knows me in public. But I also told her that when I liked him, I talked about him indirectly, hoping someone would ask me if I like him so i wouldn't have to go to extreme lengths to come out to someone.
So, I said, as his best friend, that its possible he's reaching out for her to ask so he doesn't have to say anything. She knows I want her to ask him the next time he brings it up but she's afraid he'll get offended and defensive, which is a definite possibility.
He also claims he has a girlfriend, but none of us in his group of friends have met her, nor will he let us talk to her when he's on the phone with her and he rarely brings her up. So everyone thinks he's making her up. Which I don't believe, but I think could be a possibility if he's really that deeply closeted.

So what I'm asking you guys is, should I tell his best friend to ask him? I've liked him for over a year now and I've been dying for some answers, but I was always hesitant cause I thought he was buried in his closet. But if he's bringing me up to her maybe he wants to tell her that he likes me? I don't know. But I do want closure in this situation. And either yes or no, I want to take the next step. Yes meaning I talk to him about it. And No meaning I move on, find someone else.
So...
Should I tell my friend to ask her best friend whether he has a crush on me?


- I'd like to add a small tidbit. Back in May, was the first time him and I hang out alone officialy. It was a nerve wracking night for me. But when he arrived he was a totally different person. He was glowing and he was ecstatic. Then 2 hrs later my other friend arrives and he's back to normal.....he's a confusing guy which is why i held off. But this news is sort of confusing me in the other direction.

Thanks

 

[topherlover555]

^ see i think thats possible.
But i only have one example of us alone. Do I need more? Was that a nervous reaction to being alone w a gay guy?
i cant be sure

 

[CGHJ]

Yeah, he's got a crush on you too, but is waaaaay back in the closet. Having your mutual friend ask him is gonna push him waaaaaaay back even more. Now you could have your friend mention how much YOU like HIM, and leave his feelings out of it. Because if he knows your gay and you like him, if he likes you he'll eventually come around.

But let it develop naturally, or you'll scare him and get nothing.

 

[spencer]

Paul can you ask Winnie if she likes me likes me and not just likes me?

You spend time with him and just like you sat him down about yourself, talk to him about him. Or even just ask him about his girlfriend and that you would like to all go out or ask his best friend if he's ever met his girlfriend.

Really though, you can't be that great of friends if you're not really comunicating properly. Just let him do his own thing, seems like he's done enough harm to himself already.

 

[rareboy]

If you want to get to know him better stop hanging out with a pack all the time.

It sounds like you're both still in high school.

Make plans to hang out with just him. No other friends dropping in. No other distractions.

And then, as suggested, talk to him about his interests and his stuff. Not yours. Not your friends'.

 

[KaraBulut]

Anyways, his best friend messaged me the other day and told me that he keeps talking about me. Everytime they go out, he brings me up at least 3 times. I told her that I found that odd considering he acts like he hardly knows me in public. But I also told her that when I liked him, I talked about him indirectly, hoping someone would ask me if I like him so i wouldn't have to go to extreme lengths to come out to someone.
So, I said, as his best friend, that its possible he's reaching out for her to ask so he doesn't have to say anything. She knows I want her to ask him the next time he brings it up but she's afraid he'll get offended and defensive, which is a definite possibility.

The clinical term for this is projection. It's when you take your own feelings/behaviors and you attribute the same feelings/behaviors to another person.

In lay terms, it's called wishful thinking.

Here's the problem- where do you want this to go?

You have a crush on him.

He acts differently around you when you're alone versus when you're with a group.

So what?

The problem here is that you want him to like you back. Even if he does like you, it will not resolve his behavior- if anything it might make it worse.

If you want to be his friend, then invite him to hang out.

If you think he's gay, then ask him. Stop putting your friends in the middle of all this.

But before you do anything, ask yourself is it really worth all of this work? There's a guy out there someone who wants to meet you, wants to hang out with you and is happy to admit that he's gay, too. It would seem the time and energy would be better spent with that guy.

 

[spencer]

ask him and only him to hang out and do something that you know he'd like to do. simple as that. you have to build on your friendship. If he's always talking about you, then it should be a simple answer yes, when you ask him to ride bikes or play video games, right? I mean, grab some food or hit a bar. Ask him now, your nervousness is why you're considering having a friend find out for you, which will fail. What will not fail is you trying to be better friends with him by asking him to hang out and doing so regularly. Now report back

 

[topherlover555]

So I saw him last night. To my dismay, others did come. We had a BBQ at my place. There wasn't much to report except the fact that he mentioned the girlfriend a couple times, and his phone was vibrating for a majority of the night. He eventually started ignoring her. He said he doesn't like it when she gets clingy.
By the end of the night, there were 3 of us left, and its the usual three, him, me and my other friend. We stayed up and watched TV for a while and had some conversations. And he and I had some good eye contact. I've always loved the feeling when u stare at someone and they dont look away.
After they left I went directly to bed and had numerous dreams, including one where I went with him to visit his girlfriend, who I ended up taking a shine to. At the end of the dream we left her house and he came out to me as bisexual.
It was weird. Dreams always are.
The terrible part about all this is, I'm leaving for vacation on Monday morning, which means I only have 3 days left here. And each is really busy. I might see him Saturday because my friends are inviting ppl to this leaving party for me (even tho im only gone for 2 weeks lol), but I still won't get him alone.

I've taken a lot of what you guys have said and mixed it around in my head. Along with the advice of some of my friends. One says move forward and forget about it, the other tells me that I've wanted answers for so long and this is my chance.

Anyway, I'd prefer this wouldn't weigh down my mind like it has all morning so far, so I'm going to attempt to think about something else.
Thanks for listening

 

[rareboy]

So I saw him last night. To my dismay, others did come.

So is there something I'm missing here? Are you socially backward?

What is so difficult about asking him and him alone to spend time with you? Why this group grope thing all the time? Do you all take a shit together too? As for all the others who turned up. Might it be because you invited them?

Seriously. Cut out the high school act and start to behave like an adult. Because here's the thing. None of us can answer the question you're asking but him. So stop speculating and wasting your life just mooning over whether he might or might not have a thing for you.

Just. Talk. To . Him.

Ok?

 

[spencer]

do you have his number? text him to hang out on a day where all your mutual friends don't have solid plans and try to do something that you know he is in to (preferably something that your one other friend isn't).

you gotta use your smarts bud, cause it sounds like you're not.

 

[ridinghorses1]

Well if he says he's straight and has a girlfriend, then believe him. It doesn't matter if everyone else thinks he's lying - and even if he is, just let him be. It's his own problem that he has to solve by himself.

 

[G-Lexington]

As others have said, start spending some more quality time with him. Alone time. Not "what a great opportunity to reach for your cock" time (yet), but "I can talk to him without others around" time. Then start talking. Get a conversation going.

You might also invite him along to a gay club or something.

Lex

 

[topherlover555]

thanks for the advice everyone
to clear up the whole BBQ thing at my place. It was planned for a while. Perhaps i had written it incorrectly. Before I had invited them I wasn't thinking of it being about him. So once all this came up it was like ... well at least hes coming over thursday, but SHIT i invited others. Maybe they wont come now..but w.e it was fine.
im currently in a passive mood with him. I will try to get him alone, but i need to stop obsessing at the moment.