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[Fortunate]

Hey. I don’t post here often, though I didn’t know how else to get this out at the moment. Today I have been pathetic, I have slept nearly all day, because I took some/a lot of valium (I had some left over from Thailand, where it’s available over the counter). I caught my boyfriend fucking somebody else, and it has completely rocked me!

I don’t feel like I can go into the whole back-story now, but basically, I walked in on my boyfriend having sex with another man. I left the apartment, and he doesn’t know I caught him. I have turned my phone off, and haven’t heard from him since the event.

I never thought that I would ever get this distraught, but literally, the second I saw it I was hit by waves of different emotions, at first I was completely humiliated, then I had a sinking feeling of loss, then complete melancholy which I still feel. I haven't felt angry though, just so deflated...betrayed.

He was my boyfriend for two years, I love/loved him. He broke me down at the start, and was the first person I ever made myself vulnerable to. He wasn’t the first person I’ve had sex with, but he was the first person I had proper, intimate sex with. He impacted my life completely, and no matter what he will always be a part of me, so I can never forget him.

I want to cut him out of me, but I know I won’t be able to.

I am still partially shocked; I never thought that he could be capable of doing this, of having sex with somebody else. I wonder when it changed, or how much of the past few months have been real. I didn’t even notice a change in him…maybe I was selfish. When I think back on some of our memories, even simple things like me playing with his bellybutton (he has a fun bellybutton), I get a sickening, wasted feeling.

So anyway, I have turned my phone on and got a few texts from him, asking me to come over to watch a DVD and sit in. I turned my phone back off again because I just don’t know how to approach him at this point.

I really don’t think I can overlook this; I am going to have to say something. Its going to cause a massive upheaval of things in my life, I have an important exam next week as well and even thinking about revision hurts my head.

I’ll think of things to ask him, to say to him. But first I’m going to drop some more valium, because I can’t be awake right now.

 

[G-Lexington]

Fuck Valium. All that will do is push the problem back a few hours. At which point you'll probably feel you're still not ready, and take some more Valium.

Don't treat the symptoms. Treat the problem.

Let him know you know. Call him, or send him a text. "I walked in on you having sex with (whoever). That hit me really hard. I'm gonna need time to sort out all my feelings. Please give me that time. I'll contact you when I'm a bit clearer on how I feel."

Then, turn the phone off. Don't wait for a return text or phone call or e-mail or visit. Just let it lie. And start deciding what you want to do next.

Lex

 

[StlKj]

I have nothing to add from what Lex said, but I'm throwing my support behind it to reinforce that he's dead on. Quit medicating yourself through this. It is going to be painful for quite some time, but you're not going to even start dealing with it while you're taking pills.

 

[Eagle653]

I, too, agree with Lex.

It's good that you've turned off the phone and are not dealing with him right now because you're not up to that. It's good that you're cooling down and giving yourself time to think.

Focus on what you want out of this. Do you want to break up? Do you want him to stop having sex with other men? Are you willing to forgive him and work with him to rebuild trust?

It sounds, to me, like you love him a great deal. What you witnessed challenged that, but you wouldn't feel so awful if you didn't love him. Don't throw away what you can rebuild and salvage.

At some point you need to have an honest conversation with him and tell him how that hit you and what your expectations are. Then, it's up to him to either meet your expectations and try to rebuild your trust, or he can't.

Good luck to you. Keep in touch with us and let us know how you're doing and what's going on.

 

[looseliam]

I'm of a different school of thought.

Get stoned. Have a drink or twelve - numb the pain for a bit. There's nothing wrong with that.

In this situation, I would call him, tell him what I saw, and never speak to him ever again.

Hell, I'd change my phone number.

 

[KaraBulut]

I am still partially shocked; I never thought that he could be capable of doing this, of having sex with somebody else. I wonder when it changed, or how much of the past few months have been real.

I really don’t think I can overlook this; I am going to have to say something. Its going to cause a massive upheaval of things in my life, I have an important exam next week as well and even thinking about revision hurts my head

Let him know you know. Call him, or send him a text. "I walked in on you having sex with (whoever). That hit me really hard. I'm gonna need time to sort out all my feelings. Please give me that time. I'll contact you when I'm a bit clearer on how I feel."

Then, turn the phone off. Don't wait for a return text or phone call or e-mail or visit. Just let it lie. And start deciding what you want to do next.

Well, of course you can't overlook this! Unless you had agreed to an open relationship, he has betrayed your trust.

I agree with Lex.

Your first priority is to take care of yourself. Let him know that you know and that you need space. Set this aside and focus on your exam. Once the exam is done, then return to the issue.

You have a lot of questions. The only way that you will get answers is to ask him for the answers.

Relationships can be repaired. Trust takes a little longer to repair. But you have to do some thinking about whether you want to repair any of this.

In the meantime, lay off the Valium and focus on your exams.

 

[Fortunate]

Hey thanks all for your advice, I considered it all when I spoke with my boyfriend. Parts of me wanted to take looseliam’s advice, it would have been easy to do but I think would’ve been worse for me in the long run (thanks for advice though!).

So my boyfriend got a bit frustrated (like he had the right!) and asked me why I had my phone off all day, and I told him it was because I felt ill. I didn’t see the point of telling him the truth over the phone. So he arrived over all-clichéd with some soup. He does sweet things like this all the time, which made the impending conversation more difficult.

We were watching TV and he had his hand on my leg, and I felt a pang of sadness knowing that after this conversation we may not touch again. My emotions are so convoluted though, as I also felt some disgust, and wanted him off me. So anyway, I muted the TV and he was like; what?

And I asked him, that the whole time we were together, if he had ever cheated. I wanted to give him a chance to come clean. He dodged the question and asked why I was asking. So I told him that I caught him cheating.

His face was priceless, he was so shocked! This made me hate him a little, as if he thought he had got away with it. He went all quiet and put his head in his hands, and started to apologise profusely. He asked me what I thought. And I honestly don’t know…parts of me think it could have been meaningless sex, but I still feel completely disrespected.

Anyway, usually I’m pretty composed but when he started to explain I blew up. It was some guy from his work who really fancies him, and somewhat stalks him. I can’t believe he fucked that guy; we had conversations about how weird he was before. He said it was just some spur of the moment fuck.

After we argued for awhile, I asked him if he kissed him, which he did, and if he lay with him afterwards, which he did. He tells me he loves me and seemed really upset but I feel like I’m ready to throw the whole thing away.

We decided to take a break for a few days, so I can think about what’s happened, and so I can revise for my exam…I’m so confused. What to do eh?

 

[StlKj]

What to do? Now you have to decide if you want him back, and if you do, if you can forgive him and trust him ever again. If you can't you move on. No amount of advice can help you figure that out--that's something you have to determine in your heart.

Good luck with your decision, and whatever the result, know that even if advice won't help, there is still support here.

 

[G-Lexington]

Do precisely what you're doing. Take a break, evaluate your feelings. Know that, if you decide to continue on with him, you'll probably be extremely suspicious of his every move for quite some time, so factor in whether you could handle that. Then, once you've made your decision, let him know what it is - and stick with it.

Lex

 

[looseliam]

I don't know about you, but for me once the trust is gone, that's it.

All the duct tape and band aids won't help a thing.

Neither of us can tell you what to do - it is your decision.

However, you must think if this is a person in whom you can trust in the future.
Is this a person with whom you see yourself for quite some time?
Will you be able to overlook this?
Will you be able to get the image of him and another man out of your head the next time you two are intimate?
Will you be able to handle catching him again?

I don't know about you, but I'd be hard-pressed to answer 'yes' to any of the above.

 

[operafan]

Taking a break is a good idea. I don't know for sure what I would do if I were in your shoes (other than be heart broken) but if you think there is something for the future here, I guess I wouldn't let one incident block your future.

Of course, the ball is in the BF's court - will he cheat on you again? If he can't keep it in his pants then it's time to make a clean break.