Help! Big age difference...Does it matter?

[pausanias_usa]

I've had successful relationships with people in and out of that range over my life.

As you get older, that tends to be the norm, as your pool of candidates obviously widens.

Oddly enough, I can adapt to the situation: in some places there were ONLY younger guys, and some the older tended to be more prevalent. My partner came from the main group.

Whatever works for the two of you; it is all negotionable.

 

[lonelyheart500]

Hey everyone. Thanks for your replies. I have an update, although it's sort of hurt me when I found out...My boyfriend is actually on vacation now and I am staying at his place to be with our cat. Before he left, he told me that he had packed a certain picture of me in his bag so he could think of me while he was gone. I was so happy when he told me that and it made me feel so good, and loved...

So yesterday while at his place, I was looking for some staples and I opened his desk drawer. I didn't find any staples, but I found the picture that he said he packed in hid bags. It was right there in the drawer under a few papers. I saw the edge sticking out... This makes me incredibly sad, that he said he brought my pic with him, when in fact, he left in it the drawer. I feel very hurt, as trivial as it may sound (I mean it's just a picture), it's the concept that hurts me...Why would he tell me that he is taking my picture with him, when in fact he left it in the drawer?? This is quite odd to me and I don't understand, what the purpose of lying about something like that is...Something that made me feel so important, was a lie...I can't believe it to this very second...

Now, I have something to talk to him about when he gets back next week. He calls me from his hotel sometimes, should I bring up the subject, or just wait till he gets back from his vacation?? I feel sad and worst of all is that he isn't even here to discuss it with. I know I was lied to, but why?! Does he take me seriously?? He always tells me he loves me and that he misses me and all that...I mean after 11 months, I feel very strongly about him too. I still can't understand the motive behind a lie like that. I felt so sad and lonely when I went to bed last night.

Can anyone share some advice? What do you guys think. Should I bring this up to him? Is it time for a talk?? By the way, everyone here is great. This forum is an amazing place!! Thanks and take care.

 

[EvilForce]

Of course you should bring it up. The minute you start shutting down your communication your relationship is dead. Tell him how it made you feel, not being accusatory. Maybe he took a different picture than the one you were thinking. Don't assume the worst.

Don't pay attention to what people say. Pay attention to what they do. A female friend of mine was recently upset when her boyfriend forgot to get her a Valentines Day card. She was ready to break up with him. When she was ranting and raving to me, I said, "Wait a minute... didn't he just spend the entire weekend repainting your kitchen, and installing new fixtures, all of which he paid for?" I said, "Seriously, if you think going to a store and randomly picking out a $3 Hallmark card says he loves you more than spending $500 and an entire weekend of labor, sweetie...you're expecting too much".

By his actions and what he does, that he doesn't have to do for you, SHOW you his love. Whether he has a hard time SAYING it or not, isn't relevant. Some people fall in love very quickly, others take longer. One is not right, nor the other wrong. It's just the way some of us are wired.

 

[lonelyheart500]

Thanks for your reply Evil Force. No, I'm certain it was that specific picture. He only has two pictures of me and the other one is on his dresser. I found the one he said he took with him in his desk drawer...

I think that I will tell him how his actions made me feel and most definitely need to talk to him. I guess it would be wise to wait until he comes back from vacation rather than bring it up on the phone when he calls. I'm just sad/mad right now. I mean, this is not just a white lie, it's a foolish lie. It's the kind of lie that makes me feel loved, only for me to be shot down when I discover the truth.

I can't understand the purpose of such a lie. He could have just not taken any pics with him at all and not said anything. It would have made me happier than him lying about taking that picture with him. In 11 months, this is the first time he has been dishonest with me (that I'm aware of) and it makes me question things...I love him and that's why I feel hurt now.

Anyone else have an opinion? Why would he lie about something like this? He knows how much I value honesty...Thanks again guys and take care!

 

[EvilForce]

Why wait? If this man love you, and you love him, you should talk about. Don't stew on it. Get it off your chest. There's no need to be dramatic about it, or yell at him. If you just tell him how it has made you feel, he can't really get mad. Maybe he meant to take the pic and forgot at the last moment. Why would he lie? Maybe it helps reassure you. Is a white lie that calms someone of makes them feel good a bad lie? I dunno.

But the only person who can give you that answer is him, not us. So don't wait until he comes home from vacation. Just talk to him about it the next phone call you have. He probably has a reasonable excuse for it. But most of all if you are open with him about it, he'll know he shouldn't ever do that again. Relationships are hard sometimes. None of us are perfect. Focus on yours and his feelings, and intents behind the deeds.

My guess is that if you can start getting rid of some of these small things that are bugging you, you might reach some of the bigger things and be better equipped to bring them to the fore with him. As someone else said earlier your issues with your relationship aren't an age thing....but a relationship thing. I say try to work thru your differences if you can. True love is hard to find. I have only truly loved 3 people in my life. Sometimes love isn't enough, but in your case I'd say you owe it to yourself to at least try to work thru some of these issues in the coming weeks. Love makes us do crazy things sometimes.

 

[lonelyheart500]

Thanks again for your replies. Yes, the exact picture he said he had already packed in his bags (the one he loves so much) was actually in his desk drawer. It is the only one!!!

I'm gonna have to talk to him about this when he calls. I can't wait another week for him to come home. At first, I was gonna let it go and only bring it up when he comes back cause I didn't wanna "spoil" his vacation. But in fact, I'm the one who's feeling sad and confused here. He brought it upon himself. There's no way he can deny the fact that he lied about it. I just wanna know why...

I'll keep you guys posted and I really appreciate your replies. Any more advice? You guys rock! take care

 

[lonelyheart500]

UPDATE...I just spoke to him on the phone and I asked him about it. He said he had the pic with him and then I told him that I had it right in front of me. And then he's like "oh, well then I must have forgotten it...". That makes no sense...He then starts to tell me that he forgot to pack it, which makes no sense cause he just finished telling me he had the pic with him.

And then he gets all mad cause I brought up the subject and he's like "I didn't call to hear about this sh$t! Why do you think I make an effort to call you from here?! Would I do that if I didn't care about you? I miss you." So I told him, ok, I believe that he forgot to pack the picture. I was sad on the phone cause I still believe that he lied to me...And then he says to me: "If you're not happy, then take the cat and get the hell out of my house!!". I started crying when he said that. He apologized again and calmed me down by talking about some other stuff. I'm still crying cause I can't believe he said that to me Then he told me he misses me and he would call tomorrow. He said "I love you" and wouldn't let me get off the phone until I said it back. I do love him, but why is he so mean to me?! All I wanted to do was clarify things and I get shot down. I'm so sad right now. I don't know what to do...

I'm at his house cause I need to take care of our cat, because I can't bring the cat to my house. The cat needs me and I love animals. My bf also lives half an hour away from me, so I can't run back and forth (especially with the price of gas these days). I'm so confused...Things did not go as smoothly as I had planned. What should I do?? I'm sitting down at his computer typing this message. I feel so sad and trapped Can he really love me and care about me and say such a mean thing to me? This is the second time where I have been verbally abused (in my previous relationship also). Did he say those words out of anger?! I would never say anything to hurt him ever. What should I do?? Please help

 

[EvilForce]

UPDATE...I just spoke to him on the phone and I asked him about it. He said he had the pic with him and then I told him that I had it right in front of me. And then he's like "oh, well then I must have forgotten it...". That makes no sense...He then starts to tell me that he forgot to pack it, which makes no sense cause he just finished telling me he had the pic with him.

And then he gets all mad cause I brought up the subject and he's like "I didn't call to hear about this sh$t! Why do you think I make an effort to call you from here?! Would I do that if I didn't care about you? I miss you." So I told him, ok, I believe that he forgot to pack the picture. I was sad on the phone cause I still believe that he lied to me...And then he says to me: "If you're not happy, then take the cat and get the hell out of my house!!". I started crying when he said that. He apologized again and calmed me down by talking about some other stuff. I'm still crying cause I can't believe he said that to me Then he told me he misses me and he would call tomorrow. He said "I love you" and wouldn't let me get off the phone until I said it back. I do love him, but why is he so mean to me?! All I wanted to do was clarify things and I get shot down. I'm so sad right now. I don't know what to do...

I'm at his house cause I need to take care of our cat, because I can't bring the cat to my house. The cat needs me and I love animals. My bf also lives half an hour away from me, so I can't run back and forth (especially with the price of gas these days). I'm so confused...Things did not go as smoothly as I had planned. What should I do?? I'm sitting down at his computer typing this message. I feel so sad and trapped Can he really love me and care about me and say such a mean thing to me? This is the second time where I have been verbally abused (in my previous relationship also). Did he say those words out of anger?! I would never say anything to hurt him ever. What should I do?? Please help

*Sigh*

Well, I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt, however his reaction is quite telling. If you honestly, and only told him how it made you feel without being accusatory, and that was his response? I'm sorry pumpkin, but he's a user. Time to move on. Your gut has been telling you the same thing, but you've fought to keep it alive. I always, always prefer to give the benefit of the doubt, but from where I sit, he sounds like a user. An emotional vampire. An emotional blackmailer.

Me, myself? I like sensitive boys. I want you to share with me what's wrong. I want to protect you. Not getting off the phone until you say you love him is emotional blackmail. Period. That bothers me. I don't care if my concern is "silly" or "crazy" or, "unwarranted", they are my feelings. If my love / man seeks to dismiss my feelings as silly or crazy, I'm sorry but he really doesn't love me. There is nothing, ever, never wrong with expressing how something makes you feel. It may be illogical, or even unwarranted, but that does not demean your feelings. You are human. You deserve better.

Now I'm mad. Sorry. Emotional blackmailers boil my blood.

 

[lonelyheart500]

Thank you for your responses. Every single one of them means so much to me. I have very few people that I can confide in. In fact, the only person I can talk about this with is my best friend.

I feel alone. Yet, I haven't even started to solve my problem with him. He will be coming back home in a week and told me he'll call me back tomorrow at the same time. I know he will... I am sure he is feeling bad right now, but not as bad as I feel. Maybe I should have waited until he got home to discuss this situation...But what's done is done! I know he still loves me, but I believe that our definitions of true love may be different. I do not know what to do. I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt too, as you mentioned Evil Force. Something is strange (as Puff mentioned)....Why is he lying? I have invested so much into this relationship. So much time commuting to go and see him. We spent the holidays together, we spent my birthday together, we spent valentine's day together, we talk every night, we sleep together, we adopted a cat together, we bought furniture together, we eat together, we go places together, etc...I do EVERYTHING for him and still would if he truly loves me...

When we were on the phone today, he asked me "Do you miss me baby?" That's when I brought up the subject and tried my best to not accuse him of anything. I still don't believe him. I think he lied...

This is the first time he has abused me verbally. In my previous relationship I was abused verbally very often and I dealt with it until a certain point, where I broke up with him (plus he cheated on me twice). I'm a nice guy, very understanding and caring and I'm someone who likes to give and does not expect anything in return. I am very honest. All I care about is having someone to share my life and kindness with...I guess the caring and honest guys, like myself are often taken advantage of. I can't be mean to people cause I don't have it in me. I'm still in love with my bf. But I am not a machine, I have feelings and I need to be cared for, just as I care for him. I need to be listened to and understood. But most of all I need honesty and love.

We did so much together, so many memories and future plans. If we break up, what is gonna happen to our cat? I couldn't bear to give him away. I even bought some furniture for the two of us and its all here at his place... It will all have been in vain if it ends now. I am at the point where I just don't know what to do. Plus, I was recently was laid off from work and need to find a new job. Everything is falling apart. Should I ditch him? Should I wait till he comes back and have a serious discussion with him and possibly give him a second chance? Why was he so mean with me today? He has never been like that before. I feel trapped cause I have no choice but to stay here at his place and babysit the cat until he comes back. And by that time I should have made a decision about what needs to be done with our relationship. But the way he holds me and hugs me, I know he loves me. It's for damn sure he wants to keep me and not lose me. But he has to treat me good if he wants me to stay. It was the same with my ex. He was always apologizing for yelling at me, cheating on me, etc... And I accepted all that sh$t!! I think this may be one of the most difficult times for me.

I hope he is reflecting upon what happened today and what he said to me. He's 37 and I'm 24, but right now that is really not the issue. Whenever he needs something, without him even asking me for help, I would run to him with open arms and open heart and lend him a hand. I am sitting here now, still wondering what I should do...

Thanks guys. Just writing down my feelings here helps a lot. I am getting it out of my system. I am glad to have a place like this where I can come to. It's important. take care

 

[954dude]

Whatever happens is meant to be. Just work it out through talking and understanding each other. I'd write down a list of the things that bother you the most or concern you just to gather your thoughts. Write it in a letter or converse in a civilized manner.

 

[supergurl]

Um.....who did he go on vacation with?

 

[supergurl]

cause something don't smell right!

 

[lonelyheart500]

Thanks for your support everyone. This problem is far from resolved. I have typed out a 2 page letter that I will read to him when he gets home. The letter basically explains how I feel. He actually e-mailed me a long e-mail this morning apologizing for yesterday and explaining himself. He says he misses me and loves me and that he will call me again soon. He said he was foolish for saying the things he said. Despite what many of you might think, I will have to give him another chance. I always give everyone a second chance, even my ex who cheated on me twice (but the second time, I ditched him).

Supergurl, he went on vacation with a friend. As far as being faithful is concerned, I don't believe he is cheating on me. If I ever discovered he was cheating, I would disown him very easily. I don't take that anymore.

I think that I need to do what feels right. If he keeps being an a$$hole after giving him another chance, the so be it! But after finding love, I owe it to him and to myself to try and make this work somehow. Maybe I'm too kind, as I am often told by my friends. Any opinions?? Thanks everyone, you are all amazing!

 

[EvilForce]

Thanks for your support everyone. This problem is far from resolved. I have typed out a 2 page letter that I will read to him when he gets home. The letter basically explains how I feel. He actually e-mailed me a long e-mail this morning apologizing for yesterday and explaining himself. He says he misses me and loves me and that he will call me again soon. He said he was foolish for saying the things he said. Despite what many of you might think, I will have to give him another chance. I always give everyone a second chance, even my ex who cheated on me twice (but the second time, I ditched him).

Supergurl, he went on vacation with a friend. As far as being faithful is concerned, I don't believe he is cheating on me. If I ever discovered he was cheating, I would disown him very easily. I don't take that anymore.

I think that I need to do what feels right. If he keeps being an a$$hole after giving him another chance, the so be it! But after finding love, I owe it to him and to myself to try and make this work somehow. Maybe I'm too kind, as I am often told by my friends. Any opinions?? Thanks everyone, you are all amazing!

My suggestion is that you hand him the letter, let him read it, and then give him a little time to respond. I'm more of a logical thinker whereas my partner is more of an emotional thinker. If he expects an immediate reaction from me, many times I feel defensive, simply because it takes me longer to figure out how I feel.

But you have made your decision. He apologized for being a jerk, and you accepted it. No need to 2nd guess yourself at this point. Kiss him and hug him when he comes home. Shortly thereafter, give him your letter and ask that he think about it and talk to you in the next day or two.

Good luck.

 

[lonelyheart500]

UPDATE:
Hey again everyone Hope you are all doing well. He was so happy to see me when he came home from his vacation. He got me a few little gifts and it made me smile. I spoke to him and gave him the letter.

As I mentionned, we've been together for 11 months. Now, more than ever, I feel like the relationship is dying for some reason. He is always working (and I am jobless right now, currently job searching and having job interviews). When he gets home from work, he's always tired and doesn't want to do anything. I'm always on the go and ready to do anything, and he's a bit lazy and never really takes initiative and just likes to watch TV and chill when he's at home. I'll lie with him on the couch and try kissing him and stuff and he'll just ignore me and watch the TV. Or, I'll try and drag him into the bedroom so we can spend some quality time together, and he'll just slip away and go lie on the couch or sit in front of the computer. Is the TV more important than me? Maybe I'm at his place too often and making too much effort for nothing. It's sad cause before, he would be so interested in me. Does this happen at a certain point in every relationship??? I would describe this as a point in our relationship where nothing new is happening and things are really boring. I don't know if he feels the same way.

I am really bored and feel like the relationship is becoming very stagnant. I don't think that it's the age difference, but more of a difference in our characters and attitudes. I need help because I still care about him very much, but I can't change who he is. We've shared so many great times and we have so many plans for the future. I have invested so much into this relationship. He always hugs me and holds me tight all night and kisses me good morning and goodnight. I know he cherishes me. I feel myself secretly beginning to distance myself from him emotionally. Like, when he kisses me sometimes, I just can't kiss him back. Before, I used to kiss the hell out of him. But I feel this way cause when I want his attention, he's too tired and interested in the TV only. So why should I give him my attention?? Do we need time off? Should I spend less time with him so that he realizes that I am in fact more important than the TV? Do we need to have a discussion? I know that only time can tell what will become of our relationship. I just feel so empty right now. Like there are no emtions left for me to invest in our relationship? Does this happen frequently in relationships? Anyone have any advice?

Thanks everyone. You're great! Have a good day

 

[geep2b]

UPDATE:
Hey again everyone Hope you are all doing well. He was so happy to see me when he came home from his vacation. He got me a few little gifts and it made me smile. I spoke to him and gave him the letter.

As I mentionned, we've been together for 11 months. Now, more than ever, I feel like the relationship is dying for some reason. He is always working (and I am jobless right now, currently job searching and having job interviews). When he gets home from work, he's always tired and doesn't want to do anything. I'm always on the go and ready to do anything, and he's a bit lazy and never really takes initiative and just likes to watch TV and chill when he's at home. I'll lie with him on the couch and try kissing him and stuff and he'll just ignore me and watch the TV. Or, I'll try and drag him into the bedroom so we can spend some quality time together, and he'll just slip away and go lie on the couch or sit in front of the computer. Is the TV more important than me? Maybe I'm at his place too often and making too much effort for nothing. It's sad cause before, he would be so interested in me. Does this happen at a certain point in every relationship??? I would describe this as a point in our relationship where nothing new is happening and things are really boring. I don't know if he feels the same way.

I am really bored and feel like the relationship is becoming very stagnant. I don't think that it's the age difference, but more of a difference in our characters and attitudes. I need help because I still care about him very much, but I can't change who he is. We've shared so many great times and we have so many plans for the future. I have invested so much into this relationship. He always hugs me and holds me tight all night and kisses me good morning and goodnight. I know he cherishes me. I feel myself secretly beginning to distance myself from him emotionally. Like, when he kisses me sometimes, I just can't kiss him back. Before, I used to kiss the hell out of him. But I feel this way cause when I want his attention, he's too tired and interested in the TV only. So why should I give him my attention?? Do we need time off? Should I spend less time with him so that he realizes that I am in fact more important than the TV? Do we need to have a discussion? I know that only time can tell what will become of our relationship. I just feel so empty right now. Like there are no emtions left for me to invest in our relationship? Does this happen frequently in relationships? Anyone have any advice?

Thanks everyone. You're great! Have a good day

it isn't the age difference,it's the lack of physical atttraction. especially because of the age difference, he should be giving you tounge baths.it won't get any better, find somebody hot and havesome fun.you can settle down later.

 

[genthree]

Evil is on the money , I will spring myself here , I lived with a guy 14 yrs younger than myself and it never occured to me in my wildest dreams that I would be planting him , but that is what happened................................

I did not read the comments through to the end. Evil's comment at that point was correct and still is............what the fuck

 

[Letterbomb]

Age is a big deal to me. However Im 20 and have been talking to a 34 year old, but I dont know, I think it would be a problem for me personally.

Luka please! Like would you really break up with someone you totally love (and who loves you) just because of that? WHY do you care about age? I really wouldn't be you BF! I'm sure you'll find me too old for you, I'm a year older, HA!

Lonelyheart, If you really love him, go for it and don't let the wicked moral standards of our not very perfect society hinder you from obtaining eternal happiness with the man you want to spend the rest of your life with

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[EvilForce]

Life is too short and true love too scarce to put too many restrictions on finding it.