Help? can't come out (''')

[joshBTW]

Ok guys so basically I'm a gay guy and I'm super comfortable with it, couldn't be happier. The only thing I wanna do at this point is have a bf and come out to EVERYONE!.

What sucks is that even tho I know my family and most of my friends would be ok with me coming out I still can't do it. Maybe I'm insecure about the friends part because I just moved to this country I'm living in 6 months ago. But then, I'm totally, a 100% sure my family would be ok with it, they are amazing. Still I just can't come out

Each day that passes I just feel like I'm wasting my time and I just don't understand why I can't tell anyone. I just accepted myself like 7 or 8 months ago but now I'm ok with being gay and I love myself.

So I just don't understand why am I so afraid of coming out. And I know it sounds stupid because if I don't know how would you guys know .

Maybe I'm afraid of disappointing myself. I mean, I'm scared that once I come out everything will stay the same. Maybe I just expect too much from coming out. Or maybe I just don't feel like I have enough reasons to come out, like being honest to my family wasn't enough reason :S

Any ideas guys?

 

[KaraBulut]

Actually, you've done the hard part of coming out- admitting it to yourself and getting to a point where it just seems a natural part of who you are.

Most guys will tell you that before they told anyone, it seemed like coming out to other people seemed like climbing Mount Everest. So, start with a small hill and work your way up.

Pick your coolest friend- the one that probably has gay friends and is comfortable going to gay clubs. Tell that person.

With each person after that, it will get easier and easier. And pretty soon, you'll realize that what seemed like an impossible task to overcome was more about overcoming your fear and not about the difficulty of the task.

 

[racer2438]

I think it's hard to be " comfortable and happier as you put' if you not out . This is the last step in making you feel that way.

You will feel a huge wieght lifted off your shoulders and then you may really feel comfortable/happier.

But take this in baby steps and you choose whom where and why to tell. as this progresses you will find your self taking the next step each time you tell someone. By then you will be more relaxed and more of your self. If I had to suggest one thing is don't worry so much about a bf right know. see if you can get through your coming out and it will then open up much more doors for you in your family life and gay life and they can blend together and make you really happier with in your self. You only need to do this for your sefl, not for anyone else, and do it on your time frame don't be in a rush...

But you will feel much better with in your self when you are ready to go those extra steps..

 

[joshBTW]

I know what I have left to do is not really that much and even more since I am 100% sure my family will support me and accept me. But that's what pisses me off the most, I feel really bad with myself for not being able to come out even tho I'm sure they are ok with it. It pisses me off that I don't even know why I can't come out, what I am afraid of.

About my friends, since I've just been 4 months or less with them (I just moved to another country) I don't really know them that well. I guess I could try telling one of them, if they can't accept it I guess they weren't really worth being my friends at all.

I just don't feel good with not being able to come out cause I feel I'm wasting my time. Maybe those people who come out in their 30s and that say they regret not coming out earlier made me paranoid of not enjoying my teens :S and that's what's making me nervous about coming out. Uh I don't even know anymore

 

[Eagle653]

You have two issues going on: Not finding the words, and questioning the motivation to do it at all.

First, find the motivation. If you have to, make a list of all reasons why coming out would be good, or to your advantage, or how it might make your life easier/less complicated--whatever. Then you'll go into it with a clear motive and conviction and confidence.

Second, choose your words. Most of us chose our words differently for different people, just as our motives for informing various people was different. If you have the ability to run your thoughts by a professional counselor, that would be ideal, because, through guided conversation, they could help you clarify all the issues going on in your head. If that's not possible, then you could come out to a gay friend and elicit their help and advice on how to do the rest. As a last resort, you could just think all this through yourself, but it's easier to get the input from a friend or sounding board.

Good luck--let us know what you decide to do.

 

[joshBTW]

Thanks for your advice. I wish I had a gay friend to support on.

I'll surely let you guys know whatever happens even tho I might still take some more time.

 

[number42]

Well you could try this: start socializing in the 'gay scene' a bit, make some friends there and talk to them about it when you've gotten to know them well enough. That way, even IF everyone would abandon you, you'd have a safety net of friends to fall back on.

But trust me; you're not going to be abandoned. It won't become that bad. Or do you live in texas?

 

[joshBTW]

And how do I get to the "gay scene" I don't know anyone else who's gay .

What do you mean with "or do you live in Texas" hahahaha, luckily I don't .

 

[KaraBulut]

And how do I get to the "gay scene" I don't know anyone else who's gay .

Sure you do. You just don't know they're gay. Just like they don't know you're gay. See the connection?

It won't become that bad. Or do you live in texas?

What do you mean with "or do you live in Texas" hahahaha, luckily I don't .

Everything is bigger in Texas. Including the gay population.

 

[joshBTW]

Yeah but still, I have no connection to the gay community :S

"Everything is bigger in Texas. Including the gay population." Is homophobia also bigger in Texas?

 

[KaraBulut]

"Everything is bigger in Texas. Including the gay population." Is homophobia also bigger in Texas?

A side discussion... the Southwestern US has a bunch of people who really don't give a rat's ass about what people do. So, places like West Texas, Arizona, New Mexico have a different attitude and don't like people telling them what to do and who to do it with.

The pseudo-religious, small town, small mind thing extends from the eastern part of Texas into northern Louisiana, north to Kansas and up to South Carolina. There's a whole lotta crazy spread across the Southeastern US and no single state has the exclusive on homophobia.

But there's also a lot of guys in these states that have weekend "fishing buddies".

 

[jokn123]

As said in the above posts, once you tell one person it will get easier and easier.

The first person i was able to come out to was my brother, he gave a really positive response and soon after everybody knew and they just dont really care about it because coming out is something you build up inside your mind and you go paranoid with everybody about it. Telling the frst person is very difficult but very relieving at the same time.

Try talking to the closest person you know where u are. Having a private convo and see if you are comfortable enough to confide in him/her and tell them.

Good Luck!

 

[number42]

And how do I get to the "gay scene" I don't know anyone else who's gay .

What do you mean with "or do you live in Texas" hahahaha, luckily I don't .

You don't even need to know anyone who's gay:

http://www.gayclublist.com/

 

[slnattak]

People can't really get to know you if you drop the gay bomb on everything. Just be honest about it if it naturally pops up, but remember to say other stuff about you too. =) Josh is a cute name btw.

You don't have to declare that you're comfortable about being gay. If people just view you as some stereotypical gay kid that doesn't like being gay and can't see anything else about you other than that, they're sort of viewing you as too narcissistically and too much of a 'public figure.' You know? It's the way Dan Savage would see you because he's in a higher social class than you, but a person that you're into dating- probably wants to know more about YOU. And like a therapist told me, just saying you're gay doesn't help people to know about what Josh is like.

 

[Comtemplation]

You don't need a gay friend to come out, but it does certainly would make things easier. In my experience or at least it seems to be for me, girls tend to be more open to LGBT's than guys are. For me, I first came out to a group of rather close online friends, whom all to my surprise has no issue with it. Then came my sister, then my then good female friend, and then my brother, and then finally my other female friend. Female siblings IMO make good first people to come out to, and like others have said, it only gets easier.

 

[joshBTW]

Well of course I know there is a lot more about me that only being gay but in this society we live in people think it's a big deal whether I like to fuck guys or girls and since that's important for the people I care it would be nice to let them know. So, I guess I just said I should let my family know who I like to fuck, as creepy as it sounds hahah

Also it's not like I'm not hiding it, cause I am. I do have to come out because I've been hiding it this whole time. It's not something that will pop out cause I've been wanting it to not pop out so if I want people to know I'd have to tell them, I guess.

But I sure want people to know more about Josh than who Josh wants to sleep with and thanks slnattak is a cute name too hahaha

 

[joshBTW]

I agree with you. I think I'll be coming out first to my girl friends and probably my mom

 

[joshBTW]

Yeah I'm probably just being paranoid and it'll sure get easier after the first time I come out. But damn, that first time is hard haha

 

[slnattak]

Well of course I know there is a lot more about me that only being gay but in this society we live in people think it's a big deal whether I like to fuck guys or girls

Says who? I don't really think that people should care. They like to think it means all these things that it doesn't, and that ironically - is what causes the self-esteem and self-loathing issues in people.

and since that's important for the people I care it would be nice to let them know. So, I guess I just said I should let my family know who I like to fuck, as creepy as it sounds hahah

I like to talk specifically about sex and what you like, but telling me that 'you're gay' just does zilch to help me understand you and what you're about. Honestly, from an outsider's perspective it's just confusing. It's necessary though, if you sense an injustice to come out of the closet that's important. But I really don't see the point when guys come out to people who you know would be okay with it. But if it's important to you then- go for it.