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HELP! coming out when my brother is already out?

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timoteo

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i need help.

im not sure if many people can relate to this, but my older brother is my only sibling and is also gay. he was forced out of the closet about 4 years ago. my parents of course didnt stop loving him and their relationship with him has not changed. however, my parents never talk about him being gay. i wasnt even aware that they knew about him until less than six months ago. my parents refer to it simply as that my brother will "never have kids". of course, that is ridiculous, cause gays can raise kids well, but i guess thats their code just incase i havent figured it out yet that my brother is a homosexual.

meanwhile, there is now a lot of pressure on me to be the "straight" son. i have to have kids. i have to keep the family name. i have to give my grandma's wedding ring to my wife. i played straight for many years and did not even become comfortable with myself as being gay until about a year ago (i am 19, almost 20). in addition, ive been in a relationship with an amazing guy for about 9 months. he came out to his family for me, and i feel that i owe it to him.

so i dont think my parents have a problem with having a gay kid, but how am i supposed to tell them that they raised two gay kids. that means no daughter in law, no big weddings (for now), and no grand kids (in the traditional sense). i am away from home for the summer and my parents are coming to visit this weekend. i feel i need to tell them because i have put it off for so long. but when and how is the best?

can anyone relate?

thanks
 
A lot depends on how well your parents take big surprises. The picture that came into my mind was having "your guy" over when they arrive, keeping him there for dinner, and about time for dessert, tell your parenmts, "mome and dad, I need to tell you something." Now that you have their attention, say, "I'm in love." Then, before they can ask, "Who is she?", you take his hand and -- well, you get the idea.

If I was your guy, I'd be thrilled to be the star in your coming out to your parents.
 
Or, you may simply ask them whether they would be upset if you were like your brother.
 
I would talk to my brother and just let him know, I mean if his gaydar is on the he will probably know anyway (assuming it works inter-family). But tell him that you are going to come out. He will be able to tell you how they really reacted to him at the time and what to expect.
Also, as well as your parents take it, I think having 2 gay sons would be hard on any parents so be easy on them.
 
Unless you're willing to use a woman to cover things up... which is about as smarmy as you can get, I should point out... you're going to have to tell them eventually.

Maybe tell your brother first? ( my brother told me first and it seems to have worked out)

Putting it off is only going to hurt them more once they find out. I'm assuming your'e not expecting to take this to the grave, right?
 
just 'cuz you're gay doesn't mean that there can't be a big wedding and kids to carry on the family name. it just means that it can all happen in a different way that your parents were predicting.
 
I understand the pressure. My older sister can't carry the family name (and isn't going to have kids) and none of my dad's siblings' kids can either except my uncle who's way past his prime and isn't going to be having kids. I'm also the only son of the oldest sun which has it's own title/expectation in my family. So all the pressure was on me.

I told my folks and my dad mentioned this as the first thing (and it killed me inside because that was what I was most afraid of him being disappoitned about).

But the truth is that no matter what, you can't change who youa re for their happiness, as much as it sucks. It isn't fair for them to ask that you be the "straight" son and use some woman as a beard and make kids that you only had out of obligation. No one will be happy, not even your parents.

It may suck (and it may not), but field it out with your brother first, so he can offer some support if/when you tell your folks.

And also, just because you're gay doesn't mean you won't have kids or adopt.
 
Yes I agree with the others talk to your brother first and don't in anyway encourage your parents to believe that you will be the straight son in the mean time

You will have to be honest and upfront with them. Not telling them soon can be a problem in itself if you are not careful
 
Dude... I am in the same boat as you too.. I just posted a thread about my situation a few hours ago. Go check it out. I feel that I need to follow the same stuff as you mentioned up above. I feel sorry for ya dude. I am gay myself and my parents already know about my brother being gay and all. I am 19 myself almost 20 so its hard. Sometimes I wish that I was the older one and that I could come out easier than the situation I am in now.

Hope things go well for you. My thread is here http://justusboys.com/forum/showthread.php?t=100045...

Take it easy dude <3
 
I really can't relate to your situation, but I sympathise. Your parents can't force you to marry a woman, though they may want you to. I'm sure it's going to be difficult for them, but it would be better if you told them sooner rather than later. However, you're going to have to decide as to when you want to tell them.

I agree with the others who are saying to tell your brother first. He could probably give you some extra support, not to mention advice on how to tell your parents. You said your parents are coming over this weekend? Since time is short, you may just want to tell your parents when you have them alone at your place. They're going to have quesitons, no doubt, so just be prepared to answer them. And at one point, they may wonder if your being gay had something to do with how they raised you. Try to put their minds at ease.

I wish I had better advice to give. But good luck to you.
 
You have to do whatever is right for you.
However, that should be tempered with respect for you parents feelings.
No parents would choose that their little boys are destined to be part of what some soceities consider a despised minority. Their natural inclinations are to protect us and in trying to do so, their minds can become befuddled.
Some blame themselves, so in your case they may think "What did we do that caused both our children to be gay?"
Assure them that they had nothing to do with this. It is just the way things not only are, but were meant to be.
They didn't do anything wrong in their parenting.
Perhaps contacting PFLAG or other gay support organizations will help everyone through this more easily.
 
It is hard I'm sure. But as others have said, let your brother know first if possible. I think you can plan for stuff but it won't go as you migth have planned it. Just go with the flow for when you think is right to tell them. It is hard for sure. You've my support dude. Go with what yer heart tells ya.
 
It's the same thing with being an only kid and feeling the responsibility of having the grandkids and the wife and all that. But you know, you are the person you are going to spend the rest of your life with. You are the one who will get up 20 years from now and see your face in the mirror, not your parents. Parents always lump this guilt on their kids about the need to have grandkids and all that, but you know, they get to visit the grandkids, they get to bring presents, fill the kids with sugar and then leave. You are the one who has to raise the kids and take care of them. So if you want kids, you should do it for you and not for them.

When I came out I told my mother that I was old fashioned and wanted to settle down some day and get married (well, you know what I mean, commitment ceremony, civil union, all that crap we have to go through), when I find the right man. She said she didn't think I should get married, I should just live with the guy. Shocking coming from my uberconservative mother. But I realize that it's a matter of shame for her. She's ashamed of me for being gay. So I just live with that. I'm still going to live my life how I want and the day I have my big wedding I will invite my parents. They can come or not. It will still be one of the happiest days of my life and I will enjoy it with or without them.

Where was I going with this? LOL!
 
thanks everyone for all your comments.

my brother has known i am gay for a while, actually (he caught me looking at some gay porn when i was still in high school). this seems like something that should bring us closer, but we actually rarely talk. we had a bad fight last time i went to visit him. we are practically polar opposites and were never that close. plus he said some bad things about my relationship even though he has never even met my bf and shows no interest in do so. after mentioning i wanted to come out to my parents last winter, he said that it was a bad time for my mom because of other stress in her life. in addition, at that same time, i had decided to drop out of the college my parents had chosen for me and go to a different school, which of course was a big shock to them. by now they are over that, so would now be better?

my brother told me that the reason that my parents never talk about him being gay is because he asked them not to. that made me really sad because it reflects his self-loathing and shame in being gay. gay is what i am and i am in love with my man, and i shouldnt be ashamed of it. i want my parents to feel comfortable talking about it.

meanwhile, my bf wants me to come out but not tell my parents that i am in a relationship. i am sure that the question will come up and i dont want to lie to my parents, but i want to respect my bf.

my parents are coming tomorrow. i hate to put it off any further, but i still dont feel ready to do it!!!
 
It sukcs that your brother is (apparently) a self-loather.

But look, if you still don't feel ready to do it, then you have no obligation to come out to them. It's true that you should respect your partner, but it's your life and your parents, not his. So when you feel comfortable, you should come out.

And if you do come out and you don't want to lie, he has no right to ask you to and I don't even think that's the best thing to do. You have an op[purtunity to be open with your folks and accepting of yourself and show them how happy you are with your man and how good youa re together in front of your parents. Instead of seeing their gay son who loathes himself and wants to keep everythign hush hush, you can show them that you are different and happy with who you are, and that's important when you eventually come out.
 
Actually i've been exactly where you were about 4 years ago. I had known for a couple of years that my older brother was gay. He told my parents and had moved out sometime thereafter. They had a strained relationship but they still loved him. I never told my brother i was gay until after i had told my mother. I didn't want them to blame my older brother for "Turning me gay" so i always vowed to tell them first before my brother. My mother is very old fashioned and just doesn't understand. So when i told her she got upset, but i told her i'd adopt one day (to make her happy).

To this date, me and my brother aren't really close. When he had moved out 10years ago, we drifted apart (he's also 7 years older than me)..... we still talk from time to time..but we don't ever hang out together.

I just think you should tell them whenever you're ready..(my dad still doesn't know)..
 
It sounds like you and your brother have a different viewpoint on sexuality. You both have realized how you feel about your sexuality, but the feelings you have regarding the situation differ greatly.

You seem to have a more positive, upbeat attitude about your life than your brother does.

IMO, if your brother is acting this way, he won't have your best interests in mind. That being said, follow your heart on when you feel you should tell your parents.

Don't let anyone pressure you, even your boyfriend. It mind lead to resentment later if things turn out bad.
 
I am an only child, and my dad always says, "that's the end of our family name." My mom says, "I'll never have a grandchild."

I really just tell them to get over it. they say it more jokingly now than anything.

My parents made me, and this is how I am. Deal with it.
 
Omg, do u have any idea how lucky you are? The hard parts already been done! you just have to follow his footsteps! If they accept your bro then its very unlikely they're not going to accept you.

Ps. Are you sure your bf doesn't want them to know you're in a relationship or is he just scared of the idea of meeting them like ten secs after they find out, cause that would be kinda uncomfortable.
 
So..... this thread is over five weeks old. What happened, timoteo? Bring us up to date.
 
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