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Help Dealing With Partners Keeping Me Secret

kernmtnmike

kernmtnmike

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Joined
Apr 26, 2006
Posts
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I love my older bear! He is a dad, (I love kids), they are college age and don't care for me. My bear keeps me hidden from most of his family. Christmas and Thanksgiving I'm on my own. Please help!
 
Well....you have accepted a conditional relationship. I assume you would choose him and this again...yes?...or no?
 
eastofeden said:
Well....you have accepted a conditional relationship. I assume you would choose him and this again...yes?...or no?
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I find @ 50, I look hard for men to date. My mind can't get around that this hidden life might be what I n have to live with. I'm not out to change him. How do I move on or keep us together?
 
Man, I had my share of those. They´re either cheating/lying assholes, either have internalized homophobia, or both. One guy told me after quite some time that he had a kid who was 2 years younger than I was, that he was married to another guy (which was something so unimportant that he forgot to tell me, huh?) and others.

No one that keeps you hidden from his life worths your attention. Make it clear you want a real and serious relationship and that if those things are too much for him, dump his ass, the sooner the better. What you have now is the most you´ll get out of whatever you guys have.
 
At the same time he's hiding you, you are allowing him to hide you. Trade offs are painful.
 
It is likely he doesn't want his wife to know, so you will not have more than a clandestine relationship... unless he divorces.
 
kernmtnmike said:
I find @ 50, I look hard for men to date. My mind can't get around that this hidden life might be what I n have to live with. I'm not out to change him. How do I move on or keep us together?
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I think it is all about choices...and we are responsible for our choices.....

My bet...he is not going to change at this point in his life. I don't know why he is the way he is...but I would accept him at face value and understand that I am gonna be his dirty secret...but I would never choose that......

When I give anyone relationship advice in the 3-D world..I would tell them to own their role in whatever relationship they are in so they are not the victim. Victim mentality will suck the life out of you....

So...I see this as a personal choice for you to make....and do understand the circumstances are what they are and if you choose to continue the relationship you should own and understand that you are in a conditional relationship....

You can make it conditional as well if you like. Your conditions can be anything..but I would suggest being open to other men and possibilities while you are his dirty secret...but it isn't my choice to make....it is yours...

Good Luck....
 
You didn't provide enough background for us to know the complete situation- is he divorced/widowed? is he still married? It sounds like his kids know about you, has he introduced you and how did that go?

One thing is certain- if your partner is put into a position of choosing between a relationship with you and a relationship with his kids, you will come out on the losing side of that decision. It is up to him, however, to make it clear to his family that he doesn't want to be forced to make that decision.
 
kernmtnmike said:
I love my older bear! He is a dad, (I love kids), they are college age and don't care for me. My bear keeps me hidden from most of his family. Christmas and Thanksgiving I'm on my own. Please help!
Click to expand...

He isn't really your "partner" if you stay hidden from the family.
If he isn't willing to change that then keep him on the side and go find someone who will claim you if you seek fulfillment and treat that guy as your main thing.
 
I was the hidden lover once and it will never happen again. if I'm not important enough to meet your family and friends then I don't want any part of a relationship with you.

Steven
 
I don't need to know the other members of my partner's family, nor do I have a problem with them not knowing me.

My relationship is with my partner, not his parents, and siblings, and cousins, and friends etc.
 
Your "bear" keeping you a secret is what you wrote about. So, having read your response, and that of others, what is it that you would like to happen?
 
kernmtnmike said:
they are college age and don't care for me.
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There is your answer. With your relationship with his kids as stated above are you seriously expecting him to choose you over his kids? Good luck with that.
 
And again, what is it that you would like to happen?
 
I think you are the one to decide if it is worth an ultimatum.

If he abandons you at holidays...he will abandon you at other crucial times as well.

Start building a life without him.
 
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