help. dunno if I can still be friends with this guy...

[shoden]

so a mutual friend introduced me to this really cool guy named steve, who I could totally tell was into guys. I told the friend I thought steve was cute, Later that day, when the mutual friend came over to hang, steve came over with her (she didn't even ask if it was cool for him to come over). Well, we have a good time, I get his number, and invite just him over twice after that (he says he's busy both times, but wishes he could come over.).

well, I asked him over text (cause he didn't really give me any other choice) if he had a boyfriend or girlfriend, and he said he's been seeing somebody for five months.

about ten minutes later, this guy named josh messages me on facebook (we hung out once; he's a student, 24, pegged him as straight) and this is like the second time we talk ever. Anyway, we seem to hit it off, and I invite him over to my place the next day to hang out and drink and such.

josh is on his way to my place while I'm using the bathroom. As I walk out of the bathroom, steves in the den, sitting on my couch, giving me this "yeah, I know I'm in your house uninvited" look. I'm really confused at this point.

later on, josh is telling this story about these girls at his job that always flirt with him and how he doesn't like it. I ask him why.. and he tells me "cause I like steve." and starts to do this pda move on him.

suffice it to say I was pissed. Josh did bring beer for me though (they were fucked up on xanax), so I decided to make the best of things and just get hammered.

Am I in the wrong for being angry? I was totally cordial to both of them, but i dunno if that was one of those "this is my man" moves, a hint at a threeway, or just a simple Seinfeld moment. I really liked this guy btw. totally my type... but that thing last night really hurt my feelings more than I expected.

btw, they want to come over tonight as well.

 

[TX-Beau]

Sounds like you need to start being clear that a date is a date and hanging out is beers and friends.

So how did the guys know the other was going to be in your house? Did they? Why was the first guy showing up on your couch without you inviting him in? Did the second guy know ABSOLUTELY that you were asking him out? Where was the communication fuck up?

I used to get all kinds of drama when I'd ask a girl to go hang out, and she though I was asking her out, so I learned to be very clear, tell them I'm gay upfront, so let's go have a drink and perv on guys kinda thing.

Ambiguity and assumption are not your friends - unless you make your intentions absolutely clear, in terms with no room for interpretation, there's no telling what the other person is thinking and all you do when you assume you do know what's in someone else's head is set yourself up.

Which guy are you wondering if you can be friends with? Why not? Are you so into one of them that you couldn't stand to see them into each other and not you? You aren't dating either of them, you don't really know either of them, so what's the issue? The only issue I'd have is with the one guy entering my house like a cat burglar, but a simple comment about it should stop that.

Or are you implying that they are using your place to get together? A simple comment will stop that also.

Why SPECIFICALLY are you thinking you can't be friends with which one?

 

[shoden]

TX-Beau:

they came together. they had been dating for months.. I just had no idea (they didn't put it on fb or talk about it much). Sorry, I should have made that clearer. They came as a couple, but I was just expecting josh over as a friend.

About the ambiguity thing.. I understand its important to let them know your full-blown intentions upfront, but I was also trying to avoid looking desperate, because I hate it when guys do that to me. I waited like six days to even text steve and try to get to know him better. When I was talking to josh, I thought I had that whole "bro to bro" report with him.. he should have known I wasn't into him by the adjectives and nouns I was using.

I've been thinking about it for a minute, and I think I may just bring somebody over next time they come so its not just me and them. they're both cool people, but that was just a really fucked up thing to do.

 

[TX-Beau]

Strike hard and strike fast baby.

You won't get anywhere by dithering. Plus if you'd asked, you might have gotten told. It's happened to all of us, such is the nature of dating.

Frankly I have way more respect for a guy who makes himself clear upfront that he wants into my jock, than I do for someone who plays coy games.

I don't see how that is in any way desperate. Though I suppose the devil is in the delivery.

I still don't see how they did anything to you, unless like I said, you think they are just using you as cover.

 

[TX-Beau]

Hmmmm. that whole "...I hate it when someone does that to me..." and, "...I don't want to look desperate...," thing is bothering me.

OK what's going on? You hate being asked out? Asking someone out makes you desperate?

That doesn't track unless you've got a bad habit of declaring undying love to men you've just met, or you have the worst game on the planet.

What are you doing that you think the above, and how can we fix it?

 

[Seasoned]

This is not about you. Pure and simple they're playing games. It was not cool for Josh to come over without telling you he was bringing Steve.

 

[Rolyo85]

It was not cool, but I get the vibe that it is in the nature of OP's relationship with those guys. Yunno - "bro to bro". That's the whole "we'll use innuendo cause we're too bro to actually verbalize anything" attitude that keeps people closeted, creates gay drama once they're out, and makes "friends" act like douchebags...

 

[shoden]

guys I asked the guy out THREE TIMES... It's not playing coy to wait to text somebody..

anyway, I know what I'm gonna do. thanks for the advice I guess.

 

[shoden]

Hmmmm. that whole "...I hate it when someone does that to me..." and, "...I don't want to look desperate...," thing is bothering me.

OK what's going on? You hate being asked out? Asking someone out makes you desperate?

That doesn't track unless you've got a bad habit of declaring undying love to men you've just met, or you have the worst game on the planet.

What are you doing that you think the above, and how can we fix it?

dude, I was doing all the text game moves on him (smiley faces, trying to create inside jokes, corny nicknames, etc.).. and if he had've hung out with me in person, I'd have laid the game down quite flat on him, to be hoinest. Steve even told me he knew I was into him yesterday lol. I'm an INTP, and thus, I'm better in one-to-one type deals, which he totally denied me when I was trying to spend time with him. He's off the market though i was rejected i need to move on yada yada I got it.

My question was about whether or not I should continue, initiate, or reject contact with these guys... despite the fact that I still have a crush on steve and am still butthurt about yesterday... I can't imagine I can pose it to you any simpler than that. Honestly, it sounds like you're just telling me to go fuck myself.

 

[TX-Beau]

If I was going to tell you to go fuck yourself I’d pretty much just say that.

What I’m telling you is to think about this and isolate where the miscommunications occurred so you can avoid them in the future.

You said it was understood that the second guy was just going to be hanging out as friends, so it’s not really a big deal if he brought his BF along to hang out; the protocol error was he should have told you he was going to do that, but that’s not a huge thing.

The first guy wouldn’t hang out with you, and it sounds like you asked a couple of times, so he was being as clear as you were about that.

All three of you weren’t very clear about who, what or where, and it always sucks to like a guy who doesn’t like you back, but it sounds like you got your feelings hurt because guy 1 wasn’t interested and he showed up boyfriend of guy 2 at your house – initially awkward for you yes, but I don’t see how that therefore means you can’t be friends either of them.

 

[KaraBulut]

In general, if a situation sounds too complicated, it's because it is too complicated.

There's already a lot of deception and half-truths and you've only just met these guys. Probably time to pull the cord and get off the crazy bus and away from these two.

 

[Benvolio]

Obviously, they both like you and want to be your friend. Perhaps they are looking for a threeway. They did not handle it right but I don't think you should be hurt. Neither rejected you. Accept them as friends and let it go at that. Maybe he will learn to prefer you.