HELP!!! Friendship Gone Bad

[mark3030]

Help!!!! In Love With My Best Friend... Falling Apart

Well, I just ran into this site two days ago and I'm posting today.
I'm 21..., BI-Curious, I"m goin to try to condense 7yr-present

My Situation: Well me and my best friend have been best friends since my Freshmen year in high school. We were inseparatable, we were the two most popular guys in school seeing we were both jocks on a successful athletic team, and all the girls wanted us. Since we were both into the same sport we would always hangout, spend a night at each other houses just about every week for four years. He had a girlfriend and so did I. Well one time my Freshmen year when one night he spent a night at my house, I woke up in the middle of the night with his had on my cock, already at the time bi-curious... I did not act on it. Just moved over and act like nothing had happend. Well the next couple of time he spent a night or I spend a night at his house, I would toch him while he was supposedly sleep.

Fast Forward: Well for 4 years I done that with me basically pleasuring him when we spent a night together. While I believed he was str8, we did things that made me question? When we spent a night with each other we would sleep in the same bed, with only boxers on and share the same covers.... He would always ask me to spend a night as well I would with him. He would even cum while... all the while laying there like he was sleep. I would purposely try to wake him up, and he would just act as if nothing happend. The day after we spend a night together we would act like nothing even happened. So I thought that this was just an understanding... Cause It went on for years...

Well things went bad when I came home from college my first year. We hung out like we always did and he asked me to spend a night. Which I always did when we hung out which was often. Well I did the same things I did for the last 5 years and this time things change. Well after waking up I told him bye and that I would see him later on that day, because we had plans of hanging out. When I texted him and asked him if he was ready, he said he didn't want to go. So I asked why, and he replied that he felt sick, and was a little upset. So I asked him what was wrong. He then asked me if I was gay...... he said that last night it felt like I was feeling him up and said that he's felt it before. I told him that we needed to talk in person, and he said no... to tell him. Well I told him that I was bi, and then said I was sorry for what had happened but why didn't he say anything before.(7years). He then said.... I didn't know what to say...

At this point: I'm deeply in LOVE with him. He would always tell me how much he loves me, and how much I mean to him.( After all this happened). I went on to having sucidail thoughts and was/still am depressed.

During College: Well he said he was cool with me being bi and that I was still his brother and his best friend. And that he wasn't that way.... He then told me that I needed to experiment with some people just the right ones( meant it.. but jokingly). He still dates girls and even has sex with them... alot of them. As do I, so no one suspects me of being gay.

WHAT THE FUCK: Well I finally get the courage to go to a gay club.( by myself) and I see someone who I went to highschool with that is gay(closet). Well we become great friends and then he tells me that how one of his friends.( which is a girl) knows about him and is great to talk to. Well the next time I go to the club she is there. And I'm cool with it cause she is one of those females who loves gay guys!!...lol. Anyway, I told my situation to my (Becky- the girl who loves gay guys) and boy do I have a surprise. SHE TELLS ME THAT HE HAS TOLD TWO OF MY FRIENDS(STR8) THAT I GOT HIM DRUNK ONE NIGHT AND WHEN HE WOKE UP I WAS SUCKING HIS COCK. WTF!!! She found out from a friend from which one of the guys slipped and told her.

Becky: Suspects my best friend is gay and is in denial. She feels that he is in love with me as much as I am with him, but can't come to seeing himself with another man...


Now this happened this past summer and I haven't told him that I knew he told some our friends. and that it was a lie. It didnt happen that way. My friends that know acts the same around me. They don't give me any sign that they know.

We are still best friends to this day, and here lately he's been acting really weird like telling me how much he loves me and that we should go on a cruise, just us two. and that he hopes we can be close together again someday.

Help: I thought this was my best friend but he's outed me to two of our other str8 guy friends. We still act the same, but im in love with him and don't know what to do. He doesnt know that I know he's told them, but I want to comfront him about it without sacrifising our friendship. He want's to go on a cruise alone. HELP

 

[mmoay020]

Well, I've been in a similar situation. It's obvious, or so it seems, that your friend may be gay-curious- but has a great amount of difficulty coming to terms with it. He wants to experiment and discover his feelings through other means than you- markedly because he seems to genuinely care about you.

What's more, it seems that your friend is testing the waters (ie finding out how others may react) with regards to homosexuality in your group of friends. It seems that your friend is seriously insecure and its at your expense.

The trouble is that if you confront him, based on his immaturity/insecurity he may bolt, shut you out or project it onto you. If you don't, you give him a greenlight to discover himself at your expense.

I did the latter, and i am pretty hurt by the outcome. Now that I am trying to assert myself, my friend can't comprehend the shift in my attitude (what he does used to be ok, but not anymore).

So the decision is yours. Confront him, discuss it maturely with him, ignore it, whatever you choose, prepare yourself for every outcome.

 

[tccia1]

I would be careful with this friend seeing as how he likes to claim that he is str8... im sure some people on here will give you a hard time about the fact you messed with him while he was sleeping but from what you say it definatly sounds like he was awake and enjoying it for years.. i would have to say that it seems like he is in serious denial but who knows, if you are still best friends after everthing that happened why not tell him exactly how you feel about him and then see what he has to say.. as for the cruise have fun cause im sure you will go (hell i would go if i could lol) anyway best of luck

 

[mark3030]

See... I'm really confused, cause the last thing I would want to do on earth is hurt him. I love him more than life itself, and I didn't start thinking these thoughts or acting on them till that first night. I constanlty feel guilty if in fact he was sleep, but the odds of my cock hard out of my boxers in a california king size bed is low. I'm so confused...

 

[mmoay020]

I never said that you'd hurt him. What I meant to say is that you're giving him all the power in this relationship (friendship or lovers, whatever it may be). This sense of guilt you feel is not warranted, and is being imposed on you. I think that you need to understand that if you go into this situation as "I'm ready to do anything for you", you're essentially giving him a go ahead to treat you the way he wants. You need to go in there with the knowledge that you have done nothing wrong, and if you have, it was based on a severe misinterpretation of the situation. I'm sure that your friend is capable of a serious discussion, one that may be complex and may not have a simple solution. I think the two of you should talk, and then take some space to reconsider what was said- to think it over, and then go from there.

Ignoring the issue won't solve anything- nothing really disappears if it is swept under the rug.

 

[tallguy297]

Hey Mark....welcome to JUB!!!

First mate...be proud of the fact that you know who you are...you know what you want, who you love and how you deserve to be treated. Be proud of your values, your honesty your strength and your integrity. To admit that your bi, to open you heart, to give yourself all take courage and trust. They're pretty special attributes Mark...know that. Those are the things that define you and will help you here...and through the rest of your life.

And for now those are the things that your friend is struggling with...and sadly for you those are things that you can only try to help him with.

You need to protect yourself here Mark. You love this guy...hes been an amazing long term friend, someone who let you be who you are, who seemed not to judge you...but now hes struggling. And its not with you. He's struggling with himself.

But its for that reason that you;re vulnerable. He doesnt know it but right now hes got the power to hurt you whenever he doesnt think or suffers a crisis in his own life. I'm sure its not intentional...I'm positive hes torn and fighting a battle all of his own.

Self realization and acceptance are things that we can struggle with for a long time...some never get it quite right. Their bodies betray what they think they should be doing or what they they think society determines is right. Emotions cloud their judgment and what seems right can in the blink of an eye become so very wrong.

For you...it puts you in the hardest spot. Its you he reaches out too...and you he shoves away. Its you he wants...but its also you that symbolizes what hes struggling with.

Mark...this is going to take time...and there will be bumps and bruises.

Dont let the past worry you. The confusion and hurt you suffer from is real. Very very real. You've remained true and loyal depsite having very valid reasons to walk away. Again it shows the values you posess.

But the future is in your hands. There are risks and there are rewards. You need to decide how much hurt you can take..and if the rewards are worth it.

Talk to him. Try and open him up. It doesnt take a cruise...it takes honesty and trust...things you know well. Your task before you give yourself too deeply is to try and find out whether or not he can reciprocate. Whether or not he is willing to be vulnerable and trusting. Whether he can get past his demons to let you help him.

You deserved to be loved, to be happy and to have someone fulfill you. You deserve to be seen for the real open valuable you. You deserve happiness Mark.

Your freind may be able to give you that...eventually. You just need to ask yourself if you are willing to risk the fight for it.

Either way mate hold your head high. You've done nothing wrong...and a whole lot right. No matter what you decide you should know that you're a guy worth loving and having around.

 

[MindBlast]

He probably told them to assure himself he wasn't gay. I bet he truly believes in his head that it's not a lie, even though he manufactured it.

He clearly loves you, but sometimes people hurt the ones they love when they're hurting too.

I have serious doubts that he's straight. He's afraid that his life will change (and it will). Just give him some time.

Next time you're in the same bed with him, don't make the first move. If he comes to you, then welcome him.

As for the rumour, I wouldn't let something like that, even if he started it, ruin what you have. You also have to remind him that you're his best friend, and tell him that you trust him not to hurt you with any information (the fact that you like guys) you've told him (even if he already did). He might come clean and tell you what he said.

 

[Kulindahr]

tallguy said about everything I thought, and more.
All I'll add is that being a man who loves a man can be hell. You just have to live with it.

 

[mark3030]

Thanks for the advice and responses so far.... they've really help

Well, I was thinking about writing him a letter or something...?

He's always been a guy that was constantly in a relationship, he's not in one now, but he and his ex hangout and are together alot.

What Im going through is hard to explain: When your best friends for that long... you know when something's wrong with the other person...

However I tell him, I have to tell him: how and when... I don't know

What confuses me even more is: He told our other friends how I supposedly took advantage of him while he was drunk and in his sleep. Then why would he openly continue to hang out with me and consider me still his best friend. He even hangs out with me more than he does with them and they know it!!

I need closeur, I feel I need to know from his mouth what he feels... But im afraid If I push him to talk about when he may not be ready it will have a negative reaction. How do I know when the right time to talk about it? How should I approach the conversation?

P.S.=( While in high school he told me his dad asked him if we were married... he never said if his dad was joking or not)

 

[SilverRRCloud]

I need closeur, I feel I need to know from his mouth what he feels... But im afraid If I push him to talk about when he may not be ready it will have a negative reaction. How do I know when the right time to talk about it? How should I approach the conversation?

You sure do. Need a closure. And you need it badly.

Equally so, you need to re-establish the sense of having some control over your life.

Most of all, you want to know, where are you going from now on.

He has been your best friend forever. He is the love of your life now.

You want to take him on a cruise, weekend together, into an isolated log cabin, to Vegas, whatever and wherever but out of his familiar envirnoment.

You want to swear to him and he wants to swear to you, that 'what happens in Vegas - stays in Vegas. No matter what. Unconditionally so.'

And you want to put everything on the table. Everything.

And you want to clear the air and draw the line here and now.

You don't want your life in a limbo of a sort and you don't want his life in it either.

So, guys, show some guts and do it.

SC

 

[Kulindahr]

For yourself, you need to let him know what's in your mind and emotions.
For him, that has to come in a non-threatening way.

Let him know what this is doing to you and what you'd like to know -- then leave it up to him if he'll respond or not.

 

[megustamyn]

I suggest you make some distance and try to move on. I had more than one experience like yours. Many years ago, I had someone who I was madly in love with. We started as colleagues then he started calling me up and asking me out. We got the point where we spent most of our free time together. We slept together on a regular basis. We could do just about anything sexually (I fucked him regularly) but we never talked about it. In the morning we’d get up and go about the day like regular friends. I know he loved me. Nearly 30 years later I still have a couple of letters and gifts from him. One time, he started making out with a girl at a Christmas Eve party and I walked. Shortly after he called saying I shouldn’t have left that I should have known I was the one he wanted to be with and he came over and stayed the weekend.

Once, while we were on vacation, in a hotel room with only one bed, I decided it was time we talked about our relationship. He freaked out, He said I wanted to distort a great friendship and that he had always thought of me as a brother. He got dressed and went to the hotel bar where he met a girl whom he married a year later. Eventually we lost touch.

Fast-forward 20 years. I start getting calls from him. He had run into an old colleague who I still did business with and got my contact info from him. He wanted to see me and I had no interest. After a few weeks of this, he showed up at my office. The most bizarre thing is that his wife called while he was in my office and asked him if he was with me. When they first met she had been to our hotel room and seen only one bed. She knew what the deal was. Anyway, I told him that I’ve been with my partner for several years, am perfectly happy and have no desire to get involved in anything else. I haven’t heard from him since but I recently saw an article about his marriage of 25 years and how love conquers everything (it’s an interfaith marriage).

Clearly he chose to lead a double life. His wife knows and they apparently have an arrangement, probably unspoken. My hope back then that we would build a life together never had a chance.

I say walk away. If he wants you he’ll let you know. If he doesn’t you’ll avoid further heartache. You will fall in love again and probably with someone less confused about himself.

 

[hermanding]

and i would seriously question if he is YOUR BEST friend. you may be HIS.
ding

 

[tallguy297]

Mark,

You are asking yourself all the right questions...and you are the best person to know the answers....you know him far better than us.

His talk and telling people is his fear talking. He's so scared about who he is that hes taken denial to a new level. Hes applying the old "a good offense is the best defense technique". The irony is the more he fights it and denies it the closer he gets to accepting it and the more your friends suspect he maybe be gay or bi too. Their reactions to you prove that. So as hard as it is....dont take it personally. Its not about you. Its about the fear that ruling his life right now.

And you are heading in the right direction. Yes this is about him...and yes you need to talk. Dont right him a letter...this is something for a quiet face to face situation. Somewhere that you guys are alone...somewhere not too easy to run away from, somewhere you wont be disturbed. Go for a drive, walk whatever...just get away somewhere quiet. Tell him you want to talk...to explain...and that you are worried about him. Then just let it roll....

And its true...he may not be ready. He may never be or it could be years away. So when you start the conversation tell him about yourself first. Your thoughts feelings struggles. Dont judge him or force him...just lead him. Show him that its ok to be bi/gay. That nothing changes. That you havent changed...your still the guy that he grew up with...so why would he change? And reassure him that its your secret.

Again though Mark....Prepare yourself. Make sure you are ready. This wont be easy for you if hes not ready. Protect yourself and be prepared to walk away. It make you less of a freind...but it will protect your heart. Know your limits, your boundaries and how much you are prepared to take.

You're a great friend Mark. He knows that. Thats why he wants to be around you. He's struggling for sure but he knows that you'll be the one to accept him no matter. Its something to feel good about mate...that deep down he feels he can trust you.

Just remember that you are the most important person here in this process. Make sure you understand the risks...and if your prepared to...look forward to the rewards.

Put yourself first. You owe yourself that.

 

[Kulindahr]

If you do decide to talk to him, don't go in cold. Know what you want to say. Say it in a way that you're talking about you, not him -- no "You make me", but "When you did X, I felt..." That way you're not blaming him for being himself, which is how it could seem to him. Think ahead of what he might say or do, and figure out how to respond without getting negative.
Most people in situations like this snap at others -- don't be that guy. Instead, be the one who realizes he's dealing with a breakable human being, one you don't want to break or even crack. Be the one who treats him with even more care when there seems to be reason to get upset.

Good luck!

 

[looseliam]

The last thing a straight man wants to do is advertise to the world that he fooled around with a guy - asleep or not.

This could be his way of testing the waters. If the reaction he gets from friends is anti-gay, etc., he may remain in the closet. But if he realises that to most it isn't that big of a deal, it may help him in coming to terms with the way he is. Whatever it is.

When he suggests running off for some tryst on the high-seas, ask him why. Why do you want to reconnect; why do you wish to be close again, etc.

An open dialogue is in the best interest of both of you.

And whilst you are waiting, ask yourself this, 'how long are you willing to wait.'

He, most likely, will not just leap out of the closet in a day. It can happen, but I wouldn't hold my breath.

I would hate to see you miss out on wonderful men, and opportunities because you are waiting to share love with someone who is not capable, now, of reciprocating.

Tell him how you feel, etc.

Let him set the pace for how you two proceed.

 

[Eagle653]

Hi mark and welcome! It's good to have you here.

I can't add to the excellent comments that have been given, so I'll just say ditto, ditto, ditto.

You're a bright guy who has a good head on his shoulders. I hope you keep in touch with us and let us know what you do, what he does, and how this turns out. You've got my curiosity up!

 

[3nipples]

What confuses me even more is: He told our other friends how I supposedly took advantage of him while he was drunk and in his sleep. Then why would he openly continue to hang out with me and consider me still his best friend. He even hangs out with me more than he does with them and they know it!!

It's not just about you. He may be looking for some closure as well... just a thought.