Help, guys. I know you will!

[gameboy 11]

Not that it's important but I posted this same situation on Yahoo Answers too (if I'm allowed to advertise, for those of you who have an account):

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20070822233717AALmkyT&r=w

I'm gonna try and make this short:

I really, REALLY want a guy friend in my life. I've never had a boyfriend, EVER...and when I was 18 I had a girlfriend for like....an hour. I don't even count it because it was such a short time.

Anyway,

-I'm antisocial. HIGHLY. Hard to meet ppl.
-I like people, but many days, I just don't want to deal with them.
-I am a semi-interesting person, but don't know what to talk about. EVER.
-I have friends...but I don't call them. But it goes back to not knowing what to say.
-My cousin is bi. That's awesome. He's very understanding and open-minded. Score! But ever since he's gotten with his girlfriend (they've been together for 3 years), our friendship has almost completely diminished. VERY S-L-O-W-L-Y.
-I don't "hang out". Almost not at all. I visit my friend Christina about once every 2-3 months. I know it's not healthy, but I just don't have the desire to see her.
-I know I'm not "alone" in this, but I feel it. Every day. The highlight of my day sometimes is seeing Victor, a baby my mom watches. Other days it's eating. Other days...it's listening to my awesome mp3 player (which I'm convinced is my best friend for now )

-I'm also depressed. Not severely. It could be worse. But it is what it is.
-I'm overweight. I will be going back to the gym. What specifically, would you recommend I do? (I have a chest and belly )
-I'm giving. Constantly. That's all I do. Is give, give, give. Sometimes I forget to take.
-I'm lusty. And my desires aren't being met. I've never been the type to tell a guy that I was really feeling him and that we should go home. Maybe I should change that...

Also, tell me ways I could break it to my cousin that I need him again?! (I don't want to be insensitive whatsoever).

Thanks for all who even think about reading this!

Give me your best shot!

P.S. If I'm not with Christina (which I've said, I barely am, I'm definitely at home. Outside sometimes, inside mostly).

What do you recommend? Don't be afraid to be totally truthful. I may need that. That may save me.

I'm on sleep medicine, depression meds, (that aren't working...yet) seizure medicine (which works fibrantly) and a couple of other minor things.



P.S. All of this is taking a toll on me.

P.S.S. I think a guy, although not NEEDED, would be good for me:

I could learn lots from him.
I could become more independent (if that even makes sense)
I'd have more to do! (big plus)

Like I said, you guys are usually nice/level-headed.

I rarely ask for help. Now I'm reaching out!

 

[gameboy 11]

And that SO didn't come out short.

 

[8tomtoms8]

The old saying, " To have a friend you need to be one," seems appropriate here. You will probably find if you make an effort to be there for people you'll find some of them will be there for you.

 

[BrandonSBCA]

The old saying, " To have a friend you need to be one," seems appropriate here. You will probably find if you make an effort to be there for people you'll find some of them will be there for you.

It's true to a point, but I've been there for people A LOT and still they don't appreciate all I do for them, it's hard for me to make friends, maybe I'm putting too much into it. Being a friend to someone doesn't usually necessary mean they want to be your friend.

Also it looks like that question on there has been answered by enough people, which is why I no longer go to the Gay, Lesbian, and Bisexual section of Yahoo Answers because you already have people who are constantly answering questions on there. So no need for my answer since all the good advice has been given.

 

[Andreus]

some friendships slowly disappear over time and there is no telling why... i think that people are always in a constant state of growth and sometimes they grow in different directions... that makes comunicating hard at times and often people cant reach past that...

if you tell your cousin that you need some time and lay your cards out on the table without appearing too needy or bossy then thats all you can do

after that you have to accept what he wants... it takes two people to make a friendship and if one is not engaged then it is a waste of energy...best to mourn the loss and try to meet new people than make something happen that someone is not interested in.

good luck

 

[M4P]

I have moved this thread from Health to Coming Out & Relationships which seems to be a more appropriate spot

 

[Eyghon]

Gameboy 11, most of your post describes me exactly. I too am occasionally depressed -- not clinically, but more and more days I find myself almost wanting to cry as I go to bed. I too am anti-social. I too am losing my friendships. I too give more than I receive. Of course, it is cold comfort to hear "You're not alone," because even though others share your problems, you're dealing with them by yourself.

The biggest problem for me is friends who respond with what I call "Get-over-it-isms." You know, the comments like "It'll happen in due time," or "You've got to put yourself out there," or "Just talk to people." They're just platitudes really, and they don't address the issue.

In that sense, I respectfully disagree with 8tomtoms8's comment "To have a friend you have to be one." For starters, to be a friend, you have to have someone to be a friend to. Second, there are many who are open and giving and make compromises for the people in their lives and aren't rewarded for it. Gameboy 11 is spot-on when he says "I'm giving. Constantly. That's all I do. Is give, give, give. Sometimes I forget to take." A lot of people have the opposite problem, and the people who take without giving tend to attract people who give without taking.

Gameboy, I wish I could offer some practical advice, instead of adding to the cold comfort for "I'm going through it too," but all I can do is commiserate. I'll keep you in my thoughts, and I wish you luck in working your way out of the rut you're in. And I come up with any answers for my own life, I'll let you know.

 

[G-Lexington]

Well, I'm not sure what sort of advice I'm supposed to give.

What do you want to know?
How to meet people in general?
How to meet potential boyfriends specifically?
How to "land" a boyfriend?
How to "talk"?
What you should do about being overweight?
How to be more social?

I need to focus a bit.

Lex

 

[SantaCBear]

Gameboy11, would you want YOURSELF as a friend? if not, start making some changes...

 

[gameboy 11]

SantaCBear, I'm glad you asked that.

Seriously, if I wasn't me, and I met me, I'd rate me as a 9/10. Yes, I think I have that much to offer!

I'm funny when I wanna be, I'm not malicious, I don't yell at people, I'm pretty laid back and easy to get along with, I don't talk too much, unless it's about video games or something I'm interested in, like Kelly Clarkson. I'm very self-sacrificing, love to laugh sometimes, share my food with others, don't mind some people drinking from my cup, I'm quite a giver, I'm always there if you need me (esp. when my cousin needed me. Ex: He felt suicidal for a while and didn't want to sleep in his room alone. Guess who was there whenever he was needed? I used to bring my GameCube to my cousin's house to, even against my own will so we could have fun, etc, etc.) I'm somewhat optimistic, I love to sing, can be quite friendly once you are a friend and I don't swear at people.

Good enough?

 

[rareboy]

Sebbunw gave some very good guidance. Just a few observations:

One thing I notice is that you seem to have a bit of a martyr/victim thing going that you might want to reconsider. And i notice you have a very high opinion of your worth, which is likely good, unless it means you are oblivious to shortcomings.

You also need to broaden your interests. While Kelly Clarkson and video games might be good in a pinch if you're chatting up a 14 year old in an arcade, you're at an age where people are going to expect that you have some intellectual curiousity about other subjects and that you can have an opinion on a variety of issues.

Go back to school, if only to meet others that might share some interests and friendship. take a course related to some of your other interests.

Leave your cousin alone if he needs his space. I'm thinking that you might come across as a little clingy or that you make people feel that they have an obligation to you that they're just not fulfilling.

The heavy lifting is all yours to do. Do not expect anyone to come looking for you as a friend if you somehow don't put yourself out there first.

The gym thing should be good. You might be able to hook up with a few guys through that experience.

 

[gameboy 11]

I'm SO not clingy.

:/

And trust me, I'm a smart kid. I'm FAR from perfect. I just think overall, I'm a damn good friend.

Once again, I'm NOT clingy.

"or that you make people feel that they have an obligation to you that they're just not fulfilling."

This might be true a little though.

Thanks for your post. Huntneo's has been my favorite though. It seems as though he understands what I'm going through at the moment.

 

[nihilis]

I really, REALLY want a guy friend in my life. I've never had a boyfriend, EVER...and when I was 18 I had a girlfriend for like....an hour. I don't even count it because it was such a short time.

You're not alone there dude.

-I'm antisocial. HIGHLY. Hard to meet ppl.

While I understand this, the fear of opening up, the fear of being in crowds, etc., you need to realize that Mr. Right is not going to come delivered to your door with a big red bow. You need to put yourself out there to be seen. No one's going to get to know you if you're not around.

-I like people, but many days, I just don't want to deal with them.

Who does? People suck sometimes. They're also the best thing for us at other times. Shunning them is not going to get you a man.

-I am a semi-interesting person, but don't know what to talk about. EVER.

You need to clarify this. Calling yourself interesting while saying you have nothing to talk about seems to be a contradiction to me.

-I have friends...but I don't call them. But it goes back to not knowing what to say.

I'd say that's kinda shitty. How are they friends if they have to chase after you all the time and you don't offer anything?

-My cousin is bi. That's awesome. He's very understanding and open-minded. Score! But ever since he's gotten with his girlfriend (they've been together for 3 years), our friendship has almost completely diminished. VERY S-L-O-W-L-Y.

I can see how having someone you can talk to is important, but the boy has a life to lead. Do you call him? If you treat him like you do your friends, no wonder you have no relationship. He's family, I'm sure he'll be there if you need him, but you can't use him as your failsafe. It's not his job to fix you, it's yours unfortunately. Talking to someone is one thing, monopolizing them is another. The changes you need to make are going to have to be without him anyway.

-I don't "hang out". Almost not at all. I visit my friend Christina about once every 2-3 months. I know it's not healthy, but I just don't have the desire to see her.
-I know I'm not "alone" in this, but I feel it. Every day. The highlight of my day sometimes is seeing Victor, a baby my mom watches. Other days it's eating. Other days...it's listening to my awesome mp3 player (which I'm convinced is my best friend for now )

If you have friends, and they do things, as others have said you need to do things with them. You listen to music, why can you not talk about that, or go to concerts? Pick up an instrument, go to bars to listen to music. There's your in. No one is going to want to date a shut in. This is a realization that I've come to accept myself. You need to be out there. You can't say you want someone but don't want to deal with people. That doesn't make sense, and it's not going to get you a man.

-I'm also depressed. Not severely. It could be worse. But it is what it is.
-I'm overweight. I will be going back to the gym. What specifically, would you recommend I do? (I have a chest and belly )
-I'm giving. Constantly. That's all I do. Is give, give, give. Sometimes I forget to take.

This is why I chimed in in the first place. I'm way overweight. I have been since college. I've slowly changed my eating habits, gone to the gym a few times a week, and the weight is slowly and steadily coming off. Cardio and the weight machines work for me. I'm down 112 pounds so far and still going. You can do it if you want it. I know I can be loved at any size, and I know I'm worth being loved at any size, but I also know if I'm ever going to fully enjoy love, I need to be healthy to do so. Get healthy for you, and it will strengthen you in other ways.

You need to focus on what you want, and work to get it. You say you constantly give. How so? How are you giving without interacting with people? It's nice that you have confidence in yourself, but you need to balance that with a willingness to share yourself with others. You also need to work towards what you want, but then let others do the rest. Forcing yourself on others won't work, neither will wallowing in what you don't have. Keep what you want in the front of your mind, do what you can to try to achieve it, and let things do their work. The biggest thing for you is to get over your inhibitions about talking to people and putting yourself out there.

-I'm lusty. And my desires aren't being met. I've never been the type to tell a guy that I was really feeling him and that we should go home. Maybe I should change that...

You and me both kiddo. But if you're looking for a relationship, random hookups might not be the best way to do that. Others may disagree.