HELP! I think I'm falling for my gay best friend. Please I'd like to hear this from your perspectives.

[thefalcon87]

I think I'm falling for my gay best friend. Please I'd like to hear this from your perspectives. I've been browsing through the net and found these forums. I was hoping the gay community could help me out with my problem. I gotta warn you, it's a pretty long read but I'd muchly appreciate it.

One thing I'd like to establish before we begin is that I'm a straight man. I know I'm not gay because I do not find any other males attractive, except my gay best friend.

So here's the story. Five years ago I met my friend at college and we hit it off really well. We're both 25, good looking but I'm straight, and my friend's gay (he's still you're average straight male, except he just prefers guys over girls). He came out to me the very first day we met, saying that if we were going to be friends, I'd have to accept him for who he is. I've never had a problem with him being gay and was cool about it.

This guy is what any straight guy would want for a mate - great personality, loves the xbox, loves sports, and a really great wingman if I wanna hook up with chicks when we go out. He's always been there for me when I needed him most and he's a very loyal person. I remember this one time I was on my way home at midnight and my car broke down. AFter calling him for help he just hops outta bed and picks me up straight away with hot coco ready for me, even though the drive was 40 minutes away. It's one of these moments you know who your real friends are.

We've had a couple of awkward 'gay moments'. For example, me and him touching each other in odd spots unintentionally, me walking him in the shower and the worst would be when we had to share a single bed together for a night. I've always wondered if he ever had a crush on me. So I had another friend ask him if he did have a crush on me, and to my surprise he said no. He said something along the lines of "I would never date Nate. He's like a brother to me, and you don't smush with your brother". I don't know, after I heard that, that just really made me upset because it just bruised my ego - I know, straight guys shouldn't be upset if gay guys don't find them attractive.

Throughout the course of our friendship, he's had a couple of boyfriends and two of them were long term relationships. Even though he was dating someone, he never abondoned me and always made time for me even though his schedule is hectic. I've seen the way he treats his boyfriends: he's kind, considerate and caring with his boyfriends. I know he's a really great person to be with, but the dicks that he date tend to sleep with other men and cheat on him. At first, him having a boyfriend never bothered me, but lately I've become jealous every time he has a boyfriend. But that's only part of the problem.

Lately I feel like I have so many conflicted emotions. It was only around two years ago when I started developing a sexual attraction for him. That was when I walked in on him in the shower and saw everything. At first I was just telling myself it was nothing and ignored it. But then, he threw me a small surprise birthday dinner with my family and friends at a beach house that he cooked for me himself. I was really touched by that because no one has ever gone out of their way to do something like that for me. After that, my feelings for him just grew and so did the sexual attraction. Whenever we're together now, it just feels so right you know? Like it's the perfect moment that you want to stay like that forever. Now I would just jump at any moment of hanging out with him, even if its a gym session. But whenever we hang out, I just act cool so he wouldn't suspect anything.

So here comes the major problem. I'm a straight guy. I love my best friend, but I also feel so ashamed for having feelings for him because its not an accepted thing. I don't want to admit that I love him, just so i can be 'normal'. But I really, really do love him. I know the feelings are there. I don't know if I want to be with him or if I want to pursue a relationship with him because such of such variable reasons. But regardless of my obsession of following society's expectations, I can't help feeling what I'm feeling right now is - I just want to be able to hold him in my arms and just embrace him.

To add to the problem, he's made it clear that he doesn't want to have anything beyond the friendship level with me. He hasn't really displayed any signs that would hint he would have any feelings for me. I'm too afraid to approach him with all this and lose him as a friend. I'm afraid that this will be a foolish one-sided thing that will end in disaster. I just I really don't know what to do, and this is screwing me up so much. I'm really conflicted between my feelings, and the expectations of being a "straight guy".

I'm sorry for getting emotional and also about the length of the post. It's just I don't know who I can talk to. The only person I can talk to about my problems is my friend, and this isn't a problem that he can really help me with because he's part of the problem.

Please if anybody could give me their take on this or any opinions. It would be muchly appreciated. And also, thank you for bearing with my ranting.

 

[palbert]

I would say the solution has defined itself. You will not be able to satisfy your crush unless you also destroy or injure the relationship.

We frequently tell gay guys to forget the straight guy they lust for. In this case it's the reverse. You are 25, and I think a 25 year old should be ablr to handle this.

You have a very good friend - the envy of many - and I would work to maintain that.

 

[Ganoderma]

hi Thefalcon87,

First of all, welcome to JUB and feel free to ask anything you would like to ask. There are alot of people over here who like to help you with any question you might have.

I would like to tell you that you should realize yourself that you are 'not 100% straight'. Guys who are 100% straight don't have sexual feelings for other guys. So guys who are 100% straight only have sexual feelings for girls.

So you contradict yourself when you say 'I'm a straight guy.' and when you also say 'It was only around two years ago when I started developing a sexual attraction for him.'. Excuse me very much, but there is only one possibility.

I read from your posting (no problem at all it is a long one), that you have several gay friends / aquaintances, and that your friend was open to you from the first day you met. So I was wondering what's wrong when you would identify yourself as 'not 100% straight'.

I think your friend is very realistic and very honest to you when he clearly has told you that he does not want anything with you that is beyond a normal guy/guy friendship. So I advise you to respect this. On the other hand, I was thinking, why did he say this so clearly to you? Might it be that he has some ideas / clues that your feelings for him are more then just the feelings of a 100% straight friend?

Anyway, just some thoughts which got into my mind when I was reading your posting.

Take care & feel free to reply or to ask for more advise.

Best wishes

 

[genthree]

birdman, I think one of the important things I,as a gay man, do, is to make sure I don't fall for any of my straight friends.
I think it would be a terrible betrayl for them to think that I had fostered the friendship just to eventually hit on them;this could partly explain your friends answer.
The friendship you two share,as you describe it, is rare and very valuable and I am sure the envy of many.
I would normally give you the "palbert" response but in this case I think you could pick your moment and tell him of your strong feelings and appreciation of his company. A little positive reinforcement never goes astray.

Good luck and keep us posted

 

[backpacker]

I think you should discuss your same sex feeling with your friend in a generic way. Don't make any mention of your feelings for him. Let him know that you have some curiosity and wonder if he could give you some advice about how to explore your feelings. This will open the door, but not put him on the spot. There is a possibility that has some romantic feelings toward or he could have you firmly placed in the friend category. Don't expect an immediate reaction as it may take some time for him to process the information. It may be the type of thing that had you been available to him when you first met that he might have had those feelings for you. Try not to take his comments to your friend as a personal rejection. It may have just been a timing issue. Obviously your friend has a high opinion of you or he would be your best friend.

I would advise you to explore your feelings with other gay men. Like you, the first time I realized my attraction to men was when I developed a crush on my best friend. Once I allowed myself to explore those feelings, I realized that they weren't isolated to just him. In a sense, I went through a process of coming out to myself. I suspect you will go through a similar process.
Good luck!

 

[Seasoned]

Welcome to JUB. In order to survive socially most people develop boundaries when it comes to friends, but crushes still happen often enough to get a lot of attention in this forum. I'd follow Backpacker's advice and have a generic discussion admitting to him that you have a curious streak.

Good luck and come back often.

 

[Just_Believe18]

Show him this post and how you reached out to us because you didn't know what else to do. He sounds like an understanding guy who will weigh the situation out responsibly. I do not believe for a second he will give up his friendship for you if he denies your feelings of affection. You need only to accept his decision after he reads this.

 

[Ganoderma]

hi Thefalcon87,

I agree with other posters that you should discuss your feelings with your friend, but in general terms. Definitely, your friend is a very nice and kind guy, and I also agree with others that he will understand you. I even think the friendship might become more deep, as you will start to discuss with him some private issues of yourself.

I was also wondering about your experience with girlfriends. You give some information about boyfriends of your friend, but you don't tell us anything about your present (and past) relationships with girls. Do you have a girlfriend right now (or are you even married with a girl), and how about the past? I tend to think that providing us with some of this information would help us to get a more clear picture of the current situation. Be aware that you don't need to tell anything if you feel uncomfortable about it.

Best wishes and take care & I would like to wish you a nice weekend.

 

[csm123]

Hi and welcome

I too would advize you to have a chat about your "not so straight" feelings,even if he has no idea he should understand and keep it to himself.

He sounds like a really nice guy and good friend,this makes me wonder whether he has said that he is not interested in anything more than friendship so that you as the "straight friend" doesnt feel uncomfortable doing things such as sleepovers etc.A gay guy coming on to his straight best friend is a disaster waiting to happen,and a great no no as the feelings cant be returned.A straightish guy coming on to his gay best friend can cause awkwardness in the friendship but at least there is a fair chace that those feelings can be returned from a gay guy.

 

[Undergrad]

Personally, I think you need to really define who you are as a person before you move on. I know you think society has taught you what constitutes "normal behavior" but you're never going to get anywhere in life thinking everything is black and white.

It seems like this guy will go to any end to make sure he can be the best possible friend he can be to you. As others have said, he wouldn't want to betray your trust by pulling anything on you, or trying to start anything more than friendship with you. What makes this situation any different? He wants to be a good friend, as simple as that.

You may be saying that you're straight and all that, but one thing you can't ignore is how utterly in love you are with your best friend. Being straight, gay, bi, or whatever you think you are doesn't really matter in the sense that nothing is going to change the fact that you're in love with him. Don't let society dictate the next step you take, or you're going to miss an opportunity you may never get again.

If it turns out he truly doesn't like you more than a friend, then so what, move on. It's life, you win and you lose. One thing that you will gain from this whole experience is finding more about yourself that you didn't know before.

Hope you find your strength. Good luck, we're rooting for you!

 

[Rolyo85]

You should think real hard on who you are first. What is or isn't socially accepted is irrelevant and should have no bearing on who you are, what you like, and most importantly - how you feel about it. You are not straight. That's a fact. You could accept it and enjoy the many new and exciting possibilities, or you can deny it and stifle yourself until the shame smothers everything.

As for your friend, i don't think you should make any moves on him for the time being, but he definitely sounds like a guy who could help you figure yourself out.

 

[Lucas07]

I haven't read the other responses to your post, I just had to type this because i really feel the need to:

I really admire you for your honesty and courage. For being brave to admit your feelings and for being so open to it.

I'm not saying that this would apply to your story but maybe just some insight from the other site of the court - like your friend, I'm a dude who likes dudes.

I have this really good friend, i can probably call him my best friend, and I could imagine him being you. We are so intimate in an emotional sense and I could really see 'us' if it were ever possible to be the perfect couple. Like growing old, starting a life perfect. I feel like he's one of the few people (in life proabably) that I will ever find that I will have an actual genuine connection with.

Anyway, I'm telling you this because I think I'm falling in love with my friend. I've had a crush on him, which I think he knows and jokes about, but I've kind of and have been succeeding in 'shutting out' these feelings - well, because he's told me in one occasion to not fall in love with him for some reason. Of course I've said 'of course not, why do you think I'm falling in love with you?', which is completely the opposite of what I want to tell him, and i continue on saying 'I can only fall in love with people who can also fall in love with me'. If I get asked what's going on between me and him, or if i like him, I say that we're really good friends and he's straight. Because that's the truth, or at least, it is what has been said. I got my guard up like that, self preservation. Reciprocal love is the only way to go. So I go look for 'love' somewhere else- all in vain. I've told him that if I was gonna end up with someone, I'd have to find some sort of gay or bi version of him.

Your friend might be just like me. You know how it is with gay guys; well if you don't let me tell you. It's a bit harder you see, we have friends, and of course there's that friend (who unforunately happens to be straight) who we bond and connect with but it just can't be. I personally have some switch allowing me contain myself, and being able to hold back. I mean, it hurts a lot sometimes, and I know he feels when my heart is breaking sometimes when I'm with him. He possibly might be in the same position.

I'm telling you this because you might have found the one person that might just be the right one for you. Again, I admire you for the courage you have in recognizing these feelings. But I think, if it feels right, it feels right. If you love him, you love him. You may have just found 'it'. Let go of the labels. Let go of what society expects of you, because personally, i think it's outdated. I've read this somewhere, but love isn't a political statement, it's a human experience.

I wouldn't say just go on and fall- i know you are smart enough what to do next. I am confident because I know you can 'feel'. And that's not what everyone is brave enough to do.. You're not going to go in just to 'test the water out'. I could sense you care for him that much.

I could see that you guys are good friends, honest with each other, communicating a lot. I don't think there is anything that you can do to break this bond. I wish I was brave enough to tell my friend about my feelings (he's told me I'm a coward), and I, as the one who is in love, wish that I just get some answer- if it's mutual, great. If it's not, then we could agree that we're friends for life. closure.

I know this sounds really cliche and cheezy, but it is true: Just follow your heart


If you need a chat, just send me a message and I'll be happy to listen (and talk back)

 

[hotatlboi]

I know I'm not gay because I do not find any other males attractive, except my gay best friend.

You know, there are a lot of bi/gay guys who do not find MOST other males attractive.

If you are sexually attracted to another man, you probably are not 100% straight. I think you should figure out who you are first. Stay his friend for now, especially if you know he does not want a sexual relationship with you.

I also feel so ashamed for having feelings for him because its not an accepted thing. I don't want to admit that I love him, just so i can be 'normal'.

A lot of bi/gay guys go through this phase. I certainly did. Eventually you will learn that pursuing happiness for yourself is independent of what anyone else thinks about you.