HELP! im in such a weird situation.....

[Christopher123]

This isn't uncommon, people claiming to be someone they're not. It's easy to do. I mean, you can be whoever you wanna be on the internet, right? I'm sure everyone has heard about the older men who pretend to be hot young chicks. Things like that. I think some people do this because they don't like who they really are and they WANT to be someone else. Which is obviously the case here.

It makes you wonder sometimes - is the person I'm talking to really who they say they are? It's kinda sad and scary at the same time. But when people get as close as you and this guy have and the truth starts to come out, things definitely get complicated.

Really only you can decide if you want to continue loving him or not. That's something you need to figure out. Hopefully others will chime in with better advice than I can give you. I've been there with meeting someone that I talked to online. Thankfully he turned out to be who he said he was. But I can say one thing, if he was using someone else's 'identity' and lying to me about everything, I would have appreciated the fact that he finally fessed up and told me the truth. It's easy to claim to be someone you're not. It's NOT easy to come out and admit you're not really that person.

 

[antdak]

mmmm I think this is going to take some thinking! I also have a few WHY questions. But my first thought after reading this, is he is a lier! And he lied for so long. WHY would he quit his job, when you told him you wanted to break up? That makes no since to me! He more than likley had the weight issue long before before you guys started talking. So this going to the gym sounds like excuses to keep you going with him.
My first reaction is to dump him and get on with your life! He not only lied to you, but he also stole some one elses identity! The whole thing smells fishy to me! I for sure would not send him any more money!! And you probably will not see any of it returned to you! I think you can do better, with finding a guy in Chicago!
Good Luck!

 

[Christopher123]

Just to address a few other things here...

he said he had lied because he assumed my pictures were fake, too

This was definitely an excuse. And a crazy one at that.

i do forgive him, but does that mean i have to be romantically involved with him now?

No.

And I agree with antdak, don't send him anymore money. He was playing you there.

After reading over your post again, I would personally tell him to have a nice day. It doesn't mean you have to stop communicating with him, but I'd keep it to the net only. As far as the money he owes you, you might just have to consider it money lost.

 

[tommyj]

WHY would he quit his job, when you told him you wanted to break up? That makes no since to me! He more than likley had the weight issue long before before you guys started talking.

Wow I was thinking the same thing. To me, it seemed like a BS guilt trip to dump on you so you would send money. Sorry friend. Hope you need tax writeoffs cause that money is GONE. And I agree on the weight observation too.

 

[3nipples]

This guy misrepresented himself to you. The person you though you fell for is a figment of your desires. He doesn't exist. Why do you think the 6 or 7 attempts to meet didn't take place?

Do you really think this guy will now suddenly succeed in creating himself in the image you used to have of him? What point is there in persuing this "relationship", except to try and get some of your money back. What were you thinking giving it to him? Get Real!

 

[thermodynamics]

Just cut your losses. That's all you can do at this point.

 

[JayHew]

It is a bad situation and you should not continue in the manner you have been. When someone does or says they have done things because of your actions, the BS detector goes off with a loud shrill. Nothing that anyone does MAKES someone do something self destructive unless they are a psychopath, antisocial or manipulative personality. He's also 33 and you are 20, for him to lay the trip on you that he quit his job because you were going to break up with him is so totally BS, absolutely no reasonable sense to it. Do not send him anymore money at all. What you have sent kiss good-bye. It has been a con game from the start.

Lose him.

It may be hard to realize you have been well taken advantage of, but hey, lessons learned and caution in the future. The idea of the con is to learn what hopes, dreams, wishes the other person has and use that information against them to set up a perfect scenerio to gain whatever from them. Don't ever do just the internet thingy again. It is ok to meet people and talk and express yourself via email and IM, but do nothing beyond just talk until you have the opportunity to meet in person and make it a public place then go from there.

As for being slutty, don't get into a twist about it, most of us have that phase we go through too. Find someone closer to home or go where you feel you would want to eventually live permanently and find someone there. But no more long term internet "romances". Being connected or finding someone there is ok, but nothing long term and limit personal information until you actually meet a number of times or work out some arrangement to get actual "presense" time with them before falling for them.

Good luck.

 

[Christopher123]

Well, I look at it this way - if he could lie to you about something as huge as pretending to be someone he's not and all that other stuff, what else will he lie to you about in the future?

And being too trusting doesn't make you a pussy, it makes you a caring human being. Which you obviously are or you wouldn't be stressing over this.

I'm going to have to agree with the others, babe - cut him off.

 

[eberg]

My best advice is this: You say you are so comfortable and secure with him online/on the phone. But you have still never met. Think about the anticipation in meeting him for the first time, and how nothing will live up to the picture you had of him when this all started. What if you don't mesh in person? What if it's awkward? What if you feel no physicial attraction to him?

Cut your losses, change your phone number, get a new screenname.

 

[StlKj]

One thing you need to do immediately is stop treating yourself as if you cheated on him! You had what appeared to be a great emotionally satisfying, sexually stimulating fling with someone you had never met. And it was a lie! This man preyed upon you from the very beginning, and while he may indeed have a caring part to his personality, the fact that he created an entirely false persona to lure you in is inexcusable. He has no right to throw anything you have done back in your face, and if he makes you feel guilty for going out with a real date then he reveals himself as the manipulator he really is. Notice how he did not come clean about being a complete fiction until he had something on you that you felt you had done wrong.

A 33 year old man who lies to and takes money from a 20 year old, inexperienced, closeted young man is an emotional predator. While he was "helping" you gain your confidence, he was grooming you to be his victim as well. Chalk the money up to paying for a life lesson learned, and consider yourself lucky that it was not worse. Cut him off, and then pat yourself on the back for having the guts to do so. And be careful when you cut him off and he plays the line that he doesn't think he can live without you (the next lie in the emotional abuser's arsenal). You're not responsible for his emotions or his fate.

 

[spreadeagle]

WAKE UP! WAKE UP! WAKE UP, YOU FOOL!
This asshole is playing you for a sucker. Cut your losses and block all contact with him.

You never 'cheated' on him, because you never had sex with him - all you did was jack off to an illusory fabrication of an imaginary persona that he lied and manipulated to encourage you to create. It's quite possible that he's in perfect health and you're not the only guy he has swindled out of thousands of dollars.

You already know that real relationships exist in the real world. All your instincts about the physical aspects of a relationship - the sight, smell, taste, touch that are missing in cyberspace - are correct. Take a short breathing space of 2 or 3 months during which time you do some serious thinking about where you want to get to in your life and what sort of people you want to travel that road with you. Review your recent experiences to see how they conform with your expectations. Make an action plan of where to go and what to do to put you in the company of people you would like to be around.

 

[Soilwork]

OK, so let's boil this down.

You met a con man on the internet who grifted money from you while telling you what you wanted and needed to hear.

He's now telling you that he's got a medical condition that would make you feel guilty for cutting him off.

You met a guy in the REAL world who you think you could have a REAL relationship based on truth and actual attraction, not just a faceless voice on the internet telling you nice things in order to get money.

And you're wondering which of these guys you should stay with.

I wish my problems were so cut and dry.

 

[tallguy297]

Hey species,

Mate if this guy had half the morals, respect and trust you've got he'd be worth giving this thing a second chance...your attitude here is just awesome...you care about this guy even after whats happened. Thats something to feel proud of mate...its not a matter of being a sucker or being able to be guilted...its a too rare thing to be able to consider others as easily as you consider yourself. No matter what the outcome here is, please try not to let it change your giving open trusting respecting personality.

I'm gonna assume this guy has issues...and I dont mean just the fact that he's a liar. I mean self esteem and self respect issues. He obviously lacks self confidence and doesnt think he is worthy of a relationship or revealing his true self in case others judge him. And given your nature thats what you are picking up....call it sympathy or compassion, I think your feeling that in some way you are helping this guy by caring for him...I cant even bring my self to think he did this maliciously - if he did he would have never revealed himself to you. You forced his confession with your honesty and respect for him. For the same reasons he revealed himself to you. The guy just has issues....

But look species, the reality is that you dont have to do anything more with or for this guy. You certainly have no obligation to be in any sort of relationship with him...and long distance are the hardest at the best of times. This is about your own self respect and having a chance to move forward with your life. The chance to find your own way and happiness and what that means for you.

Its easy to beat yourself up over whats happened here...but just take the lessons you've learned here and use them. Dont stop being open, honest trusting and respectful....just be more cautious. You deserve to have the aspects to a relationship fulfilled...emotionally and physically. Dont sacrifice your life because of a misplaced obligation to someone half a country away.

You're not a loser - far from it. And your issues are the same as most of us...trying to strike a balance between ourselves and others....and mate your posts tell me you've got a better grip on that than most...But its time you be honest with yourself and allow yourself to have the things you deserve.

As to this guy...well let those feelings you have guide you. Severe your ties completely, remain friends...its up to you...and have faith in your ability to make that choice mate. But just remember thats its also time for you to be treated right by someone as well. To have those same values and compassion, and most of all honesty shown to you. Its not wrong to want your life to be all it can be and to have someone real and caring to share it with.

My guess is it wont take too long for someone to nearby to see the real you...and value you the way you deserve. Good luck mate.

 

[xyzguy]

Try to get your money back. Then as soon as you get it or get as much as you can back, change your phone number and screen name.

You're a fool if you continue to be his friend.

 

[Riverrick]

I wonder if he is still lying to you but just changed the story. If he lied once to such an extreme degree, then he will surely lie again.

Take a few months off of your friendship with no contact whatsoever. This will give you time to clear your head and take a good look at the situation. I think you'll know what to do next.

 

[luminum]

That may be so, and I understand why you empathize with him, but this is really for the best. If we assume that he IS a good guy and he WASN'T lying, you have to be able to tell him that your long term plans don't include him. They don't include staying in Chicago and they don't include the person he really is. It's not shallow to lose interest because someone is physically the complete opposite of who you thought he was since looks are a part of attraction. Personality is important, but while he may gave been supportive, he also fabricate3d his personality.

Blaming him doesn't make it easier to break it off, but for your own sake, you'll have to and, if you believe him to be a good person, for his sake, too. He can't maintain an online relationship with someone who he fabricated his personality and history to.

I think he's playing you (who uses their friend's pictures and history? What friend would approve of that? If a friend actually exists, why is a 25 year-old hanging around with a middle-aged guy with enough pictures and history for him to regurgitate? How far did he expect it to go if he was faking it all?). Drop him and make the break. feel bad about it for a little, then realize that it was for the best for both of you and find someone real.

 

[tallguy297]

Hey species,

tallguy seemed to get what was going on

Thanks for this....these things are rarely as black and white as they first appear.

Look mate, my advice is still the same...trust your own judgement. But if there is one thing I cannot stress enough its dont run. Whatever you do accept that you are doing it for yourself and the right reasons. You have no need to hide, to change numbers or to change identity. You have done nothing wrong here, you have no reason to feel guilt. Your honesty and integrity is not in question here mate.

Call him. Be strong. Be honest. Taking the easy way out goes against what you stand for - otherwise you wouldnt have told him about your "fling". Dont change your values and compromise yourself here. No matter what his reasons where for acting the way he did, you feel betrayed and cheated. I dont think its in you to treat others the same way.

I think you know in yourself what you need to do, for yourself. Just treat this situation as you would any other tough decision you need to make - with openness and honesty, with a little compassion, a little self interest and a lot of self respect. And in truth mate, this guy needs to be told what you think. You know him better than us, so I know you'll find this hard. You care for him, but its in his best interest s too that you be honest.

At the end of the day mate, how you feel you dealt with this is way more important than anything else. Treating someone well and honestly even when its the right thing to do can be as hard as hell. But something tells me you're the sort of guy whose compassion can be tempered by reality.

Good luck mate!

 

[luminum]

UPDATE!

now he says he has cancer, reoccuring melanoma, which has effected his appearance. he didnt want to tell me early because he didnt want pitty. i seriously believe him and now he says i have no obligations to him. but it doenst make sense then that he would feel the need to tell me this only when i am trying to break up with him..... AH!

I'll honk the bullshit horn now too.

Reasons why:

1) He wants to tell you to stop you from breaking up with him because he's guilting you (which appaears to be working). Telling you that you have no obligations to him and throwing in the cancer is making you feel guilty.

2) He realizes he's in over his head and expects you to break up with him and wants you to because he feels bad but he's lying to you about having cancer so that you won't think he's an asshole.

Look, even if he's telling you the truth, you NEED to end this. This man has done things he should not have--extorting youf or money. Any man who cares for you would never ask you for money or accept it.

He's lying to you.

 

[Soilwork]

Good Gravy man, can you not tell when you're getting scammed?

Fuck, it's pretty obvious to the rest of us.

He's full of shit, and taking you for your money.

It's time to call the cops and tell them that you've been conned. He's probably done this to LOTS of lonely young gay men (probably not even gay) and if you stop him, you'll be doing a lot of people he hasn't scammed yet a big favour.

 

[3nipples]

I agree with Soil.

It's time for you to get angry.