Help me clear up my mind...

[Maccabee]

After lurking for a while on this message board, I finally decided to open a thread here. I fits in well with all other "I am confused" topics, but I really need to get some things of my chest. It is a bit of a long story, but I actually like reading those of other people...

I always knew that I liked guys, but I thought more in a social way. I prefer having male friends, I like the conversations more, the humour etc.
On the other hand, I was never really looking for a girl friend. A few years ago I was, but I could never find the "one" for me. There was always something I didn't like about a certain girl, so I thought I just would have to wait for the right one to pass by.

This last year I started exploring web sites like this one on the internet and it really drew my attention. I also started looking differently at guys in public. I can't really call myself gay, because I have no experience at all with boys. But I am certainly sexually attracted to certain boys.

Last night, it was the first time that all this really started to interfere in my "social life". A couple of weeks ago we spend a weekend with some friends in a house in holiday park. There also were some girls I didn't really now. At one point we had some fun with people jumping on the beds etc but then I ended up laying in the arms of this girl (X). We wanted to kiss, but then she said she couldn't do it because of some reason. The rest of the weekend she kept on flirting with me, but suddenly I really felt awkward. It was the feeling that I actually didn't like her attention.

Then last night we met again. She had been texting me in the mean time and I send something back politely. But I didn't pay much attention to her. The I saw her and a friend (Y) whispering. I knew it was about me, so I asked this girl what was the matter. Then she said that the girl X didn't want to kiss me in the first place because the she - Y, girl I was talking to - liked me. I said that I didn't like X because she was flirting too much with other guys. But actually I was just lieing - it was just her attention that made me not interested anymore.
So I end up with two girls liking me, but I'm not flattered or what... Just annoyed. And I really want to understand those feelings. Is it something else, or am I just really more into boys?

I haven't talked to this with any of my friends. Although I am living in The Netherlands - the first country with gay marriage etc - it still is a bit of a taboo. But I just can't say I'm gay without kissing a boy. But where do I find one...
Without any gay friends or friends who know, it is really difficult to meet guys when going out or something like that. I also find it hard to
I don't really like all men. I came to the conclusion that the boys I like are all of a certain type - cute indie boys or twinks whatever they are called. Coincidentally that's the type of boys who like the same music etc as I do. Jocks don't do it for me, so that is also which gives me doubts whether I'm really gay.

A large blockade for me admitting that I'm gay, or at least that I like boys is the social role model. My grades at college are very good and people think I can make a nice career. But I am afraid people with "two kids, a dog and then the cautionary wife" (lyrics from Mika, for the ones who know ) will have a better carreer than people of whom the personal situation is unclear. I also always liked to have a family, kids and all that. And I still cannot image me living together with a boy...

I just don't understand my feelings and I just don't know what to do. So I hope someone can help me clear up my mind...

Thanks for the attention!

 

[G-Lexington]

Hey there, and welcome to the "posting side" of JUB. A few things to be addressed right from the get-go.

You can be gay without ever having sex with a guy. You can be gay without ever even TOUCHING a guy. Being gay means ONE, and precisely ONE thing - the people that you are attracted to are male. Being gay doesn't mean you have a thing for muscles, or strong guys, or hairy guys. It means you have a thing for GUYS, or a certain subset of those, period. Some gay guys like musclemen, some like twinks, some like "chubby bears", some like "normal guys", some like them all.

In other words, guess what? You're gay. If everything you say is true, you're almost certainly gay.

The guys you appear to be attracted to are "twinks". That's cool. That's your "type". You may end up with a guy like that, or might not. But yes, you're still gay.

As for your career, again, let me stress that being gay means one thing - the people you're attracted to are male. That's all.

It doesn't mean you can't live a happy life.
It doesn't mean you can't have a successful career.
It doesn't mean you can't raise children.
It doesn't mean you can't settle down with somebody.

It DOES mean that somebody will almost certainly be male. You may need time to com e to grips with this fact, so the picture in your mind of your future doesn't seem so strange.

So now what? Two things. First off, these girls need to know you're not interested. Don't say "I don't like you because you flirt with other guys". That makes her think, "If I stop flirting with other guys, he'll like me." Just say you're not interested, and leave it at that. If they press you, if they say "What - are you gay or something?", just smile and say, "I don't know. I just know I'm not interested in you like that."

Secondly, get to know some gay guys. There's almost certainly a "getting to know you" sort of gay group in your area. There are gay groups of all kinds - some devoted to sex, some devoted to the social side. There are gay sporting leagues, gay craft groups, gay hobby groups. Jump online and do some searching, see what you can find.

Good luck!

Lex

 

[netwire]

I don't think I could say it any better than Lex already has. Just look for clubs/groups in your area and go to one - without your friends of course and see how you like it.

 

[rareboy]

Listen to Lex

 

[Maccabee]

Thanks for the reply, especially Lex!

I think I can call myself gay, but I can be aroused be girls too. It's just that at the moment I definitely prefer a guy over a girl.

I really have to meet some gay guys. It is not that I haven't look for them yet, but perhaps I'll just have to look a little bit better. It still is hard. I've hoped that at a certain moment a gay guy would pop up in my surroundings, but that didn't happen yet (or I was too blind to see of course).

I know that searching for gay interest groups or sports clubs etc. is the best way to meet gay people. But I just wonder if those people are really the people I like. I just still hope that I meet someone or some people without going to those kind of clubs.

 

[backpacker]

Great advice from Lex. Maccabee you sound a lot like me at your age. I was never really that interested in chasing after girls, but I certainly did date them (and more). The first time a guy made a pass at me I was freaked out. Then I started thinking about it and about a month later I had my first experience with that guy. What I realize over time is that while I liked girls and was sexually aroused by them, it certainly didn't match the attraction I had for guys. I fought the feelings for a long time, but that didn't change anything.

Different people like different type of guys. When you join some groups or hit the bars, you are bound to have some guys who are not your type hitting on you. Just politely let them know you're not interested. Gay guys understand the whole "not my type" thing and don't take the rejection too personally. You are also bound to be on the receiving end of that at some point as well.

Some groups specialize in certain interests while others are more general social groups. I belong to a couple of gay groups and I've met a lot of good people. Most of the guys are not my type, but I still have made many good friends. Go to the groups expecting to make some new friends. Don't put any pressure on yourself by expecting to meet Mr. Right. Good luck!

 

[Eagle653]

Hi Macabee, I can't add to the excellent advice and comments that have already been offered here. I just wanted to pop in here and welcome you to posting on JUB and this forum. Hope you like it and post often!

Good luck to you on your journey of self-discovery. Keep in touch with us often and let us know how you're doing. I know, from your post, that many of the guys who post regularly here have been where you are now. I wish you the best.

 

[Maccabee]

A small update and perhaps I need some more advice now

I decided to go to a profile site and I found a really hot boy studying at the same university as me. We talked on msn for a while, both used the webcam (nothing dirty ). So he has seen me and he didn't stop the conversation. In that case he might like me too (of course, this is all new to me, so you'll never know).

The funny thing is that he's taking second year courses and chances are that he is also taking the course for which I am a tutor. I'm pretty sure he's not been in my classes yet. So we haven't met yet. Let's see how things develop!