help me. I'm in a long term relationship with a woman.

[markffd]

I need an outlet to vent and have my story heard.

I'm 36, in a 3 year relationship with a woman. I've been struggling with my sexuality for two decades. I've been helplessly attracted to men pretty much the entire time. I never acted on any desires. Gay situations never even crept into my fantasy life. I just focused on whatever middling attraction I had to women.

I love this person dearly. There's not a maddening attraction, but she's my best friend. I've spent nearly every day with her in the past 3 years. And she's in love with me too. We live together. I'm sure she thinks everything is going well.

I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I can't keep misleading her about who I am. I'm wasting her time. All I ever told her was that I've struggled with 'confusion'. My cowardice has now affected someone besides me. It's going to devastate her.

It's such a difficult time right now.

Thank you

 

[swerve]

Hi Mark.

Unfortunately, I don't have any answers -- but JUB is an AWESOME place, and I'm sure there are others here that have went through similar situations.

Personally, I think that open and honest communication is always best in a relationship. However, I'm sure that it is easy to say that and difficult to actually put in motion after three years of underestimating your attraction to other men.

Best of luck -- and feel free to vent. We're rooting for things to work out well for both you and your girlfriend.

 

[TX-Beau]

You have to tell her, and yes she's going to be hurt and angry, for a time, but if you don't tell her, she's going to be furious and fucked in 20+ years when she's no longer young and you are old and bitter.

 

[KaraBulut]

...I love this person dearly. There's not a maddening attraction, but she's my best friend. I've spent nearly every day with her in the past 3 years. And she's in love with me too. We live together. I'm sure she thinks everything is going well.

I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I can't keep misleading her about who I am. I'm wasting her time. All I ever told her was that I've struggled with 'confusion'. My cowardice has now affected someone besides me. It's going to devastate her.

It's such a difficult time right now.

Well, the premise for the thread is venting, so you haven't asked for advice... yet.

So hopefully getting this off your chest is a start. I suspect you're going to find a lot of guys at JUB who have been in a very similar situation in their past.

Out of curiosity, have you talked with a counselor or therapist about these issues? It's apparent that you're in a lot of pain but there's not much that could be recommended to act upon until you're sure that you've sorted this all out yourself, first.

 

[sixthson]

Hey, Mark. You're right, you can't keep misleading her. First of all, you don't really know how she is going to react to this news.
Women are very perceptive and she may have her suspicions already, especially after you told her about your "confusion". Let me ask you some questions:
What do you want to happen to your relationship with her? Do you want to move and remain friends? Is your relationship sexual?
Do you hope to form a relationship with a man? Are you content to remain as things are now and just being open and honest with her? Couples sometimes for a relationship that is not considered the norm, so answering these questions might help.

I'm sorry you have been hurting for so long. Lots of guys have had a hard time accepting who they were, so you are not alone. That thought should bring you some comfort.

 

[Telstra]

I need an outlet to vent and have my story heard.

I'm 36, in a 3 year relationship with a woman. I've been struggling with my sexuality for two decades. I've been helplessly attracted to men pretty much the entire time. I never acted on any desires. Gay situations never even crept into my fantasy life. I just focused on whatever middling attraction I had to women.

I love this person dearly. There's not a maddening attraction, but she's my best friend. I've spent nearly every day with her in the past 3 years. And she's in love with me too. We live together. I'm sure she thinks everything is going well.

I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I can't keep misleading her about who I am. I'm wasting her time. All I ever told her was that I've struggled with 'confusion'. My cowardice has now affected someone besides me. It's going to devastate her.

It's such a difficult time right now.

Thank you

Don't know if you are brave enough to print this out and give it to her.
And go from there.

 

[eastofeden]

I am guessing that she knows you are gay on some level...and likes that you are....

A lot of women..and men..are attracted to someone they know they can't have so they can experience rejection and abandonment....

It is ideal if they were in touch with themselves enough to own it..but it rarely happens. Denial is a huge problem in general....so bringing it up isn't a great idea but being aware of the dynamics for your own peace of mind IS a good idea....

You can also be emotionally manipulated into not telling her as well if she senses you are about to....so pay attention...

..and yeah..you are going to have to tell her at some point. I would take a deep breath and just do it..in case you want to ask what to do next....

 

[Seasoned]

This was my story 35 or so years ago. I know what you mean, thinking you're going to mentally collapse. It's scary and painful. I got to the same point as you, with desire to a boiling point and I acted on it. I also had two young children by the time I got out of the marriage. It was painful and difficult, but we divorced 33 years ago. Today, we are friends and with my husband and kids and grandchild, we do things together on a regular basis. A person who loves you is likely to be angry and hurt but may end up being a life long friend. There's no need to be tortured.

Private message me anytime.

 

[checkinthingsout]

Does she believe you intend to marry her? Does she want children of her own?

These are serious questions some women like to have answered in their 30's, and I think that if you do not tell her soon, you may waste some precious time that she, as a woman, will not be able to make up.

It sucks, but you really should consider telling her ASAP. Even if she is mad, and you are embarrassed, at least you will allow her to make decisions about her own life that I would assume she was building around you.

 

[anotheruser]

I was in a situation somewhat like this, 2.5 year relationship. She was my best friend, I had feelings of love...the commitment kind. But I hadn't ever even experimented with men, and I wanted to, and I obviously felt that I couldn't explore that while I was with her. I had already told her that I was bi and she was fine with it, being bicurious herself. But I was afraid to experiment with a guy and find that I preferred it. I thought I'd be even more unhappy with her after that.

What finally broke my procrastination was what felt like the stupidest thing. It was Valentines Day, just a dumb Hallmark holiday really, but the entire day I was nagged by the awareness that I wished my Valentine was a guy. I wanted a "boyfriend" in the mushiest way possible.

I told her that there was a problem. I told her I couldn't say that I "loved her" in that way. I told her I really needed to try to date a guy.

It was obviously hard, but it was the end of years of inner unrest, too. I felt guilt for a while after, a year or so. But that went away, as it should. Nothing lasts for ever, but a little courage does go a long away. I don't have to battle any of that anymore. I'm also not entangling her anymore. I think what helped me the most was allowing myself to "dream" and to have hope. Sometimes it's easier to do something hard out of your own excitement that something better could lie ahead. You have to dream a little. What also helped me is to think of my attraction as a bodily need. If you're more into men than women, that is your body's need. It's good to be free.