Help me! someone!

[bluejon]

Hope the title wasn't too dramatic...I'm posting here because I'm in a really complicated and tough bind...figured this site was the right place, and I'm really just looking for advice... so here goes...this might take a while, so excuse the length.

I'm still in college, but on my way out...sometime ago I met my best friend...we had so much in common, and for the first time in my life, I honestly felt like he was my soulmate, in that best friend sort of way...we did everything together, we talked about serious things (something neither of us could really do before)...we liked the same TV, movies, websites, etc...we stood up for each other, had each other's backs, it was really perfect...this guy had a reputation for acting in a way/liking things/doing things that most straight guys don't do (and I'm personally not one to judge, so I didn't care), but a lot of people around school definitely thought he could be gay (there's a point here that I'll come up on)...
Everything was great between us and one night we were coming back from a bar, and the cab dropped us off at my apartment (his apartment wasn't far so he said he'd just walk back to his place), he came in for a drink and we were just goofing off like normal and then we both kind of said we were tired (it was something like 3AM) and so I said I was going up to my room; he followed with 'I'm really tired and kind of tipsy, mind if I crash here?' I obviously had no problems with that because I didn't want my best friend walking to his apt if he didn't feel up to it. I told him to come up to my room because I was too tired to get him a pillow and all that from upstairs. (again, I didn't think any of this was weird because we were like brothers). So he crashed in my bed.
Here's where things get complicated...
at some point that night we woke up and (I guess being horny college guys) began just feeling each other, and that led to us jacking each other off...it didn't feel weird at all while it was happening and we just went right back to sleep after with a smile on our faces...woke up the next morning, nothing was awkward, he walked back t his apartment and we were texting and doing stuff like we always did...but this turned into a regular pattern, an almost nightly thing...that progressed into giving each other head and eventually having sex with each other (much later on). When this started, both of us had girlfriends which made things more complicated. This started late second semester and over that summer I had plans to travel to Europe; We talked about maybe doing that together and ended up flying over there for a month. This ritual kept happening, and things were better than fine between us, we weren't anything official, but we were hooking up all the time. At one point on the trip, I started getting upset because I'd never felt that way before and didn't know how to handle it...he told me he felt the same way and that he wanted to be with me. Still being really confused, I sort of just took what he said with a grain of salt and was happy that he was at least feeling the same way...
later on, he asked me if I wanted to be his boyfriend. I was shocked and confused, and didn't know what to make of it. Outwardly, neither of us was openly gay, so I started thinking about it...my whole life to that point, I'd only been with women, but when I thought harder, I started seeing a pattern of feeling somewhat more attracted to men than a straight guy probably should and being surrounded by my straight friends and society my whole life (I was on varsity in high school and a fratboy in college), I never acted up on any of it. Looking back, I think I was more attracted to the sex with the girls than the actual girls themselves. And I didn't feel that way with my best friend, I was actually attracted to him. So I asked him point blank (and after everything we'd been through), 'are you gay/attracted to men?' and he said 'yes.' He asked me the same question back, I agreed. It was liberating and we were a couple (but only to each other).
Over the next few months, we'd hook up regularly, go out with each other, spoon and snuggle in our beds every night. I started feeling like he changed...when I told him, he said it was just outside stress and had nothing to do with me, but that I should accept it and help him get through it, to which I agreed. We had good times, but they started being predominantly bad...we'd fight a lot (and I think a lot of that was keeping us secret)...he actually tried to break us up a few times (I got sad and really pushed him on it) and he apologized and said he was just angry in the moment and didn't know what he was thinking. He said he didn't want to lose me. I said the same.
We were apart for a break for about a month after all this fighting happened and really talked things out and decided to be more accepting of the other person and when we got back, things started being really great again We fought a lot less, and when we did fight about small stupid things, it lasted for almost no time at all. He told me he loved me all the time, and we were perfect, or on our way to perfect again.
Last night, we went out for a drink, and he told me he was going out with a few people. One of those people is a girl who I've seen be really attracted to him in the past. I told him it made me uncomfortable and anybody in my position would feel the same way (nobody likes to see the person they're with be molested by another person basically). He agreed with me but told me there was nothing he or I could do because we weren't open about our relationship but that nothing goes on between them and that I'm looking way too deep into it. He also said I should trust that he would never cheat on me no matter what anyone else does, and I believe him.
Unfortunately this kept me upset and opened up a new can of worms. We discussed how this could keep happening in the future and what the best way to resolve it was because I was getting upset by this. He's told me that he treats us like a normal relationship but this was one of those times he couldn't. In his rant about not wanting to hurt me or see me hurt he brought up breaking up again, and then he said that he doesn't think or know if he's gay because I'm the only guy he's attracted to and he thinks he should be attracted to other guys the way he is to girls to be gay. He said maybe he's bi. All of that just shook me and the foundation I thought we had. We'd been together for about a year and he apologized for misleading me, but he didn't want to hurt me. At the end of the fight, he said he still wants to be with me and that he was sorry for everything he said in the fight, he just was angry and felt pressured. He said he's still not sure and doesn't know if he's gay but that he loves me so much and the love between us is the only thing that should matter (gay, straight, or bi). I agree with that and I do love him so much, but he just really shook the foundation I thought we had, and what I thought I was and what we were. He said he wants us to move forward because we'd been great together before this fight and we should work towards seeing a future together. I asked him if he could ever be open about us and he said yes but he can't put a date on that...I'm just confused and really hurt, and so I've turned here to get some advice. I guess I'm also pretty young and new at this, so anything would be appreciated. Thanks.

 

[Blueboy369]

WOW,
What a love story! You are very lucky to have such a special relationship that developed in such an organic way. You both love eachother very much and it shows. Every relationship has it's ups and downs. I think you guys are Bi sexual and that is difficult to deal with. Nobody wants their lover to date someone else so it looks like you guys need to discuss what your boundaries are. Do you guys want to open up the relationship? The answers that you seek can only be found through honest communication between the two of you. Yes, there are relationships where guys can date girls but NOT other guys. I was in a relationship like that with my bestfriend many years ago. I agreed that we could date girls and I wound up getting my heart broken. Any time you open up a relationship you are opening yourself up for heartache. If you are seroius about this realtionship and want to be monogamous, tell him so. If he wants to date other people you have to decide what is best for you. You can either both date other people and keep your relationship casual or you could be exclusive. We are here for you so keep us updated!

 

[Coffee]

well you seem put so much energy into thinking about so many things that would or would not ever never happen. So, ask yourself if that make you feel ok? I guess properly not. It stress you out and push him into aggressive mood too.
Let him breathe. Stop thinking so much, stop worrying so much, stop doubting so much. Your love doesn't need a label to be a love, so the date you "public" it is not that important, unless you two get married (that would be a long time next). You should appreciate what you're having now instead of letting skeptical thinking eat you and your relationship from inside.
Not everyone have a nice boyfriend that cares about them so much.
And I have to say us gay guys being so dramma is not a strange thing.

 

[Eagle653]

There's a lot to digest in your note.

Everyone says that college time is a time for exploring and finding out exactly who you are, and I think that's true in your and your boyfriend's case. While it's natural for him to question his "gayness" with the observation that he's only been with one guy (you) and attracted to only you, you can assure him that he has, indeed, earned his Gay Card via you.

I don't know what's going through his head, and I doubt you know everything either. In fact, he may not be conscious of a lot of thoughts and motives, himself. The only thing you can control is your own thoughts and actions, not his. The more you try to control him (controlling who he sees, what company he keeps, how he feels about people, women or otherwise), the more friction you're going to create as well as tension between you two. And, in the end, those aren't the hills you should be dying on.

If I were you, I'd back off from that and relax about it. Let him have his friends and find his way. While that does not *guarantee* success on your part, it gives you the best chance of keeping his attractions if that is meant to be. If it's not meant to be, no amount of pestering or pleading with him will make it otherwise, anyway.

I know this is a tall order and very difficult to do. Part of that is that you have needs too, most notably, needing some stability in this relationship and know where you stand too. It's really unnerving to be in a limbo, wondering whether someone is going to eventually swing toward you, or away from you. Believe me, I understand that and have lived through it and it's not settling at all. But, to the extent that you can, learn to live with a little ambiguity and be conscious of things that could be perceived as "controlling." His reactions that you conveyed above were clearly negative reactions by someone who felt "controlled."

Good luck. You're both feeling your way through this and first relationships are never easy. You guys sound like a great love story, and I hope it all works out OK for you two in the end. Let us know what happens!

 

[KaraBulut]

There are so many lessons in your story-

• Friendship and sex isn't always a healthy combination.
• The closet poisons relationships.
• Love ain't enough.

What has happened here is that you are in a relationship but you don't know where it is going and you are in such a passive position that you don't have any control over the destiny of the relationship.

Oddly enough, we would never think of getting into a car without having an idea of where we want to go. Yet, we find ourselves in these romantic relationships where we have no idea of where the relationship is going and we are unsure of what we want from it.

You've asked for advice. The situation that you are in is a tough one. Your obligation here is to protect yourself from being hurt any further by this dysfunctional relationship.

You have some decisions to make:

• Are you gay?
• Are you ready to come out as a gay man?
• What do you want from a relationship with another man?
• Are you getting what you want from this relationship?

I suspect that the answer to that last question will be "No". And that pretty much means that this relationship will not work, it is unhealthy for you and that you need to put an end to it for your own mental and emotional health.

Your boyfriend is gay. But he's not ready to be gay or be in an open relationship with another man. In spite of what he says, there's no indication from his actions that he is ready to come out or to be open about your relationship. Perhaps some day he will be ready to be out and make a commitment to you. But don't wait until he grows up. Life is too short to settle for less.

These poisonous relationships cause a lot of pain and they can cast a shadow over future relationships. Take care of your own needs. Try to salvage the friendship but don't be surprised if you cannot.

 

[bluejon]

Thanks for the responses...

to answer some of the questions, yes part of me had been controlling to a degree...I don't think it was because of a lack of trust, I think it was because of the fact that nobody else knew about us and I didn't want to get hurt, he was the same way (to a lesser extent); eventually we talked about the trust thing and how it didn't matter if nobody else knew because we loved each other and wouldn't cheat so that issue died down a lot and we were really happy again.

We really do genuinely love each other, in a really natural way. We care about each other. It's just hard when someone shakes the foundation of a relationship you thought you'd built with them for about a year. He's fessed up to it and he knows what he did was wrong; he's always apologized for acting in certain ways and hurting me...I think it's really because he's confused about himself. I am too, that's what makes it hard, but I know how much I love him and don't think it's worth giving up on that because I might have to come to terms with myself.

He's definitely not ready to be open about us, and to a similar degree, neither am I. I feel like I'm more ready than he is but I would never, at this point in our lives, pressure him to do something like that if he wasn't comfortable doing it. To some extent I do think he's just confused and trying to come to terms with himself too, because 'straight men don't hook up with other men,' but I don't know if love is enough to get through this like he thinks. I don't want to lose what we have either. It's really confusing.

When we're together, it's amazing. We show each other how much we love each other and I am fulfilled by that, but I don't want to get hurt again by him changing his mind or deciding on a whim to take back things he's said to me. That's the hardest part about this I think.

 

[nautiboyjeff]

Do you guys live together?

Do you have a friend or a few friends that you trust to tell?

Here is my perspective on relationships. Every relationship falls on hard times. The key is to have built up "things" that keep you together when you feel like throwing in the towel. If you have a place together, you have friends or relatives that you have to tell, then it makes you think and gives you time to settle down before you over-react.

I know you guys aren't ready for some of that, but you should start thinking if there is someone you can tell. You said you are almost finished with school, what's the plan after that?

Relationships aren't magic, they take work. You guys sound like you have a good friendship and start, but it's going to take more to hang in there during the really tough times.

The other suggestion is to perhaps find some other guys that are gay that you can hang out with. You probably can find some other gay couples that have similar interests if you look. It will also help you understand yourselves and your relationship better.

Good Luck!

 

[bluejon]

Ya we do live together now, we made that decision when we were just best friends, and before committing to it, we talked about it and how that might affect what was going on between us but decided we thought it would work. And it has, living together hasn't caused any problems, especially since we do enjoy being together and just hanging out.

We have discussed our plans after school, and we both are looking for jobs in the same place so that we can move in together there as well.

I think the thing that keeps us together every time we go through rough times is the genuine love for each other. I know that I don't like getting hurt, and in past relationships, when that started happening often I'd part ways. Something about what we have though has stopped me from doing that and has pushed me to work things out between us. I think he feels the same way, if for nothing else that he's apologized for his mistakes and never gone through with wanting to break up.

 

[krfflyer]

I hope you both are willing to work on your relationship and to grow up a little.
The idea that he can be gay "just for you-he isn't attracted to any other guy" I kind of dismiss as stupid. (sorry) He's totally gay with you, and in a sexual/emotional relationship with you, that is the only thing that matters. I am attracted to both men and women, but when I'm in a relationship, I respect my partner enough to curb that trivial, flirty, hurtful nonsense. No big deal, and no excuses. Sounds like he needs to grow past that fratboy mentality.
You guys have a relationship that is your (dirty) little secret. Aren't you too old for that nonsense? In that way, your like two junior high jerk off buddies...that's that same mentality. I can't get past that. But you both seem to be able to weather the bumps okay, and to change and forge a stronger bond, and I wish you luck with this one. But if he doesn't start respecting you more, and get past his sexual ambivalence, and be willing to with you openly, I'd say you'd might as well start thinking about hanging out with the grown ups.

 

[bluejon]

I think it's just hard to trust someone again when they don't know what they want anymore. He apologized again and told me he wants to prove to me he's committed to us. I don't know what to do...I want to believe a lot of what he said was out of anger, but I can't shake that he actually did say all those things. How do I move forward?

 

[Blueboy369]

Appreciate and enjoy what you have. Stop worrrying about what you don't have. Stop over thinking things. Be happy that he is a special part of your life. Don't think about what "Could happen". Be present and live in the moment.