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Help Me

  • Thread starter Thread starter clown1500
  • Start date Start date
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clown1500

Guest
Hello

I'm new at this and don't know where to begin, but I guess I need your help in coming out. To understand my hesitance or fear to, I should perhaps explain my background. I'm first generation African-American but my parents are from Nigeria, and to be honest the idea of any one of their children being gay has probably never crossed their minds. I've known I'm gay for a while now, and finally accepted it when i turned 18. To date, I've told five people, 5 of my close friends, been to a couple of gay bars out of town; and hooked up once (just mutual j/o) with a straight friend, but that's another story.

I'm 23 never kissed a guy or been in a relationship, and I think I'm beginning to suffer from depression. I went to counseling for a couple of months and it helped my confidence a lot but I basically told the counselor I was not ready to come out and stopped going. But my question is when will I be ready to come out.

What triggered all of this is last weekend I was invited to this party by one of my co-workers who is gay and naturally almost every guy there was gay. I have not told them anything so they assumed I was straight and I did not correct them. As the night went on, I did something I had stopped doing for a while now, which is lie and whenever I was asked a personal question I would anser truthfully but in the wrong gender ie referring to a woman. And I feel so horrible right now, pissed and ashamed of myself.

How do I resolve this? I work in corporate America, and I know I can't keep pretending or keep letting people think what they want. Everyone who meets me assumes I'm straight but as time goes on, i get paranoid they will figure out I'm gay. I'm tired of it all now.

What should I do? I return from my vacation and go to work tomorrow, should I call my co-worker and tell him the truth or what? Advise pls.
 
Hi clown1500, first of all, welcome to JUB and to this forum. Glad you're here.

I wouldn't call and tell your co-worker anything tomorrow. I'd think about it for a while and consider getting back into counseling. Coming out is a big step, and pretty irreversible. You need to feel confident doing it, and doing it for the right reasons. I suspect you're 95% there, but there's still some hesitency which is pretty understandable. On the other hand, that "hesitency" could be some important things you haven't thought through yet.

Talking this out with a counselor can restore the self-confidence you need, as well as supply a built-in support system once you do it. If the counselor is good, he or she will give you verbal strategies, ways to approach it, ways to think about it, messages to keep telling yourself, and perhaps even role-play with you.

Don't worry about the fibbing at the corporate party. We've all done it. It's water under the bridge now--move on. Deal with the present and future, but figure out what you want that to be.

Welcome, again, and good luck! Check back in and let us know what happened and how you're doing.
 
Are you still living at home with your parents?

Coming out isn't a once only thing - it's a process, and not a process that goes in a direct straight line. It's like learning to ride a bike - at first you fall off a few times, then you wobble too far one way and then too far the other, but the general trend is always forwards.

It's not necessary, or even advisable, to come out to everyone in your life all at once. It can be on a need-to-know basis. And since having sex with colleagues during office hours would have you fired there is never actually any need for anyone at work to know anything about your sexual preference.

But you've already started coming out because you've told some close friends. And attendance at the party has indicated that you are at least gay-friendly. Being invited to the party suggests your co-worker might suspect, or hope, that you are gay.

If you feel you don't need counselling that's perfectly ok. I think it would be sensible to arrange to talk with your co-worker outside work hours. First of all ask for his confidentiality and then explain your position. That you are gay, but inexperienced and nervous, that you have family, personal and cultural issues about coming out. Ask him if he can support you, without pressure, to gradually gain confidence. He'll probably feel flattered and should be able to help you get into the loop. I would avoid beginning a relationship with anyone who actually works in the same office.
 
No, I don't live with my parents. They moved back to Nigeria a couple of years ago, and I'm pretty much independent now. It's just hard; I want to come out but something tells me it's not the right time, or I'm not in the right frame of mind; but my whole point was once I became independent i.e. graduated college, I would come out and it's been more than six months now and I'm still not out. So when is the right time?

About my co-worker, I would not really feel comfortable asking him to keep it confidential; truth is, I don't even know why he invited me to his party because we hardly even talk and are not really friends; other than the reasons you gave that is he suspects or hopes (as in likes me, which I would not be surprised 'cos I catch him staring at me a lot); so if I came out to him it would be more of a I feel you need to know and feel free to spread the word; I would never ask it to be confidential 'cos I know it won't be. The whole dilemma is I'm not very happy at the job and I don't know if I can deal with this extra stress of everyone knowing and the gossip that goes with it, 'cos people gossip a lot over there.

Thanks for the advice, and would appreciate any more.
 
Why not get a "Pride" ribbon etc and wear it on your lapel ... it will say everything that needs to be said ... IF any questions come up , reply by saying "..well, how about you .... ?" because it is NOBODYS Business what your sexual orientation is ...
 
A lot of people, and I'm one of them, would say that if you've told 5 friends, had gay sex, and been to a mostly-gay party, you're pretty much out already. So the only real issue is, should you tell your co-worker.

I vote yes. The reason: people in the workplace love to gossip about other people's sex lives. If you try to keep yours a secret, it will only increase the speculation. And your friend may have already told everybody about the party you went to. Rest assured that nobody will be shy about asking "do you think he's gay?" behind your back.

Coming out isn't easy, but it also doesn't get any easier the longer you wait. If you come out now, you can get it over with and start enjoying that side of your life. And "corporate America" is not the place it was 20 years ago. If you're working for the kind of company where it's possible to get in trouble just for being gay, start thinking about looking for a new job.
 
Thanks Slobone, for the advice. I'm a very impulsive person so I won't be surprised if I correct the misconceptions tomorrow, and come out. I hope I do, I really do.
 
Sounds good to me! And when you tell him, don't think you have to make a big deal about it. Since he's gay himself, and probably already suspects, you can keep it simple.

I always like, "You may have already figured out that I'm gay." That makes it seem like less of a startling revelation.

And there's certainly no harm in asking him to keep it to himself -- in fact he's probably less likely to gossip about you if you've shared your secret with him. But of course there's no guarantee he'll keep his mouth shut.
 
If your instinct is that its not the right time to come out then you should follow your instincts. Don't feel that you have to stick to some sort of self-imposed rigid schedule. Similarly, don't discuss it with the colleague if you can't trust his discretion.

The more important issue might be your unhappiness in the job. I presume you're working in the same field in which you graduated. Many men define themselves as men, and define their place in society, through the world of work. If you can increase your job satisfaction then your confidence and feeling of self worth will improve and everything else will probably fall into place. What changes can you make to improve job satisfaction?

You seemed to imply earlier that the counsellor was pressuring you to come out - that doesn't seem appropriate. If the counselling improved your confidence then it was effective to some degree and it might be worthwhile to pick it up again - or perhaps a Life Coach rather than a counselllor. I don't think there's anything particularly wrong with you - it's society that's crazy, not you.
 
Thanks, Spreadeagle. I went to bed yesterday in good spirits, thinking I would come out today. However, the moment I stepped into the workplace and felt the cold environment, everyone busy, being their usual cold selves and running around, I knew it was not going to happen. My co-worker and I did not even say a word to each other today, and I don't understand why he always acts so uncomfortable around me all the time. Anyway, the only thing I hate about this is I have to either lie, tell half-truths or remain secretive. But I don't need the extra pressure. If it happens, it happens; if not, well then.
 
It's been a while since I wrote this, and to be honest, nothing much has changed excpet I am depressed now more than ever. I've pushed myself so deep in the closet, now this girl at work who thinks i'm straight is after me, and everyone thinks I'm this playa. I don't know how it got this far, but I hate it. I just want to tell someone but don't know where to start, so scared of it all
 
I feel ya on the issue of having immigrant parents who really won't ever accept having a gay son for social/cultural reasons, but with my parents there's also the "Christianity factor"


but in terms of your work,
does your sexuality really matter?
I mean, not that I'm suggesting you go around and tell everyone that you're gay every other minute,
but if you wish to hide that fact, is it really difficult? can't you and your coworkers just focus on the WORK?
 
Don't you have a Best Bud / Friend that you can sit down , confide in , etc ? That sounds like what you really need right now .... more than anything else .
 
I've always said that the workplace and your sex life should never mix. If you tell your coworkers anything, just let it be what you told us: you are feeling your way into what your true sexuality is and are not there yet. Obviously there are gay people in your workplace if I read that right about the party; take the cue from them: do they ever discuss it at the office? Probably not. In private, obviously,
so let the one who invited you to the gay party know you "may be gay, but need some room to adjust." I bet he'd understand. But you don't owe them any explanation if you want to stay private on the topic.
 
It's easy to hide, but I have no social life outside of work. I work 100+ hours, and there's a few openly gay guys at work that I'd like to hang with and be open to, bu I know once I set the ball rolling there's no stopping it. It's a very gosspiy place and EVERYONE will know within hours.
I'm beyond the best friend place. That helped 5 yrs ago when I came out to myself. Now I just want to have a relationship but you gotta admit that's kinda hard to do when you're in the closet.
 
100+ hours!!! No wonder you are feeling depressed: your body can't cope with the overwork.

Have any vacation time coming? Travel away from your city to some gay spot where you feel anonymous. Don't plan on anything but relaxing; and who knows, you may meet someone.

Also, make one night a week "the night to go out," anywhere, gay or straight, where you officemates don't go. If you become a regular, you'll meet new people who are not connected with work.
 
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