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hairyboi

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I need some serious advice please help. My partner and I have been together for 4 years now. We live together, have for about two and a half years now. Share everything from clothes to bills and are still head over heals madly in love with each other. So much so that we both recently changed our last names. He because it was to long and I because I wanted to take his last name. We had been talking about this for months and decided on a name from his side of the family. We dont want to get "Married" untill it becomes leagal if it ever does so this was the closest thing to it. It took three months but we now share the same last name legally. But heres the thing. My family doesnt accept me or my partner or my life style or anything about it. Although I have a good working relationship with my dad. Which means I work at the same company as him. But my relationship with my family is rocky at best. Now to change my name at work I have to submit my new papers and a bulk email goes out to those that it would effect. well my dad is pretty high up in the company and he would get the email. SO I dcecided to tell him before he got the email. And that was the icying on the cake. He has told me that I am now dead to him and that hurts very much because he loved me. My mom would feel the same. He feels like ive betraied him and the family and now im just dead to him. My relationship with my family is important to me even though its very unstable. But to be told that Im dead to them hurts so bad. My partner and I have been talking and have thought about me hifinating my old last name and new last name. I proposed it to my dad and he seemed alittle better about that. But the more my partner and I think about it the more it would take us a step back. I dont want to be dead to my family, but I also dont want to hurt the person that I love and cherish and will be with for the rest of my life. My partner now dosent want me to hyfenate it, because he thinks its just me giving back into my parents rants. I dont know what to do. people tell me to do what will make me happy. Keeping the name would make me happy but destroy my parents. And changing it again would hurt me and my partner but make my parents happy. What should I do? Any advice would help.:help:
 
I think your family's reaction was entirely predictable; they see it as a rejection. Your dad working in the same company as you makes it even worse, because your apparent rejection of your family is made public.

What you need to do is work on them to make them understand it from your point of view and not from theirs. I don't see how you can back down vis à vis your partner on this.
 
First, congratulations on your relationship, it sounds like it is doing awesome. Your decision to change your name is reasonable... it is a good step toward unifying yourselves socially as a couple, whether or not you can actually make it so in the law books, and if you feel ready to do such a thing you have every right to go through with it.

Your father and your family just see this whole thing as a choice, and they see your reasons as frivolous and invalid. They cannot realise that you are, in fact, in love with this person, and are committed to them obviously more than most straight marriages can muster. Taking his name is seen as a daft refusal of all that is good and holy and all that shit. It depresses me that you have become 'dead' to them for wanting to be closer to the person you love, but that can easily be tossed in the momentous pile of homophobic nonsense.

Do you have any brothers or virile male first cousins? If not, this can be seen as a more reasonable blow since there will be no one to carry on the name of the family. The fact that you are gay is already compromising the promise of biological children, and the further refusal to give your children your, or in part your last name is completely sanitising your involvement in the lineage. It may be somewhat rare, but this is my case. I am the only male that is capable of producing biological children, and since I am a homosexual and would be more keen to adopt if it were so decided to have a child, my family is sort of, well, screwed. I believe for this singular sake I will have one biological child regardless. While I am not exactly my namesake's biggest fan, I would feel a great deal of guilt to my ancestors to cut their legacy short.

If you have brothers who are likely to have wives popping out babies, then the 'dead to me' comments are heinous and unwarranted.
 
I know this wont be popular...

You've loved your BF for 4yrs and your Dad for 25yrs -- You may breakup with your BF but your Dad will be Dad forever, regardless of what he is saying now because he is hurt. Think about that...

I can understand a Dad's hurt when his son wants to change his birth surname.
 
Like the Bear, I can understand your dad's pain in you changing your last name. It can certainly seem like you're turning your back completely on your family, even if that wasn't your intent.

But what's done is done. Changing your name AGAIN won't erase the pain your family feels. It WON'T make your parents happy. It'll only be seen as...I don't know. A minor vindication, perhaps, that they still have some sway over you. But it WILL cause your partner pain, at which point both sides will feel betrayed. I'd say leave it, and keep working on your father to make him understand that you DO care about family.

Lex
 
It is a thorny question indeed. I can see why your dad is hurt. Rejecting my last name would be a big deal in my family, even though I have nephews to carry on the family name, (so far they haven't, but that is neither here nor there). On the other hand gay people have a right to be acknowledged as couples, and having the same last name certainly accomplishes that. Maybe a hypenated version of both of your last names could be acceptable to your family. Best of luck and congratulations on your relationship.(*8*)
 
Is it possible to have two names? BTW, many women do not take the last name of their husbands these days, including my niece. My sister wishes that she had not taken her first husband's last name because they divorced after 10 years of marriage, and by that time she had already established a reputation as a lawyer.
 
Its good to consider others feelings involved in your life, but dont confuse feeling guilty about what you need to do & what you are over others guilt tripping you.

My mother gave me the same verbage about "...being dead...". She simply wanted her "hetero" son back.

To thine own self be true.
 
Thanks guys for your advice. Ive had alot to think about. Ive been stressing for to long now and have come to the conclusion that I need to live my life not my parents. I love them so much and dont want to see them hurt, but at the same time I have to live with myself and be happy. So I have decided to keep the new last name. My parents wont like it but i have to do what will make me happy. Over time I hope my parents see that I didnt do this to abandon them or the family thanks again for the great advise...|
 
Damage is done.
I do understand the family and the sense of rejection.
I suggest eating a lot of humble pie,
and staying the course to try to repair.
Dad's initial reaction is probably an over reaction
so do not take it at face value.
Mayke it clear that he and mom are not dead to you.
Good luck.
Shep+
 
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