HELP! Not sure what to think or do...

[Noodles]

Hi guys,

I'm 19 and a closeted bisexual. My first experience with a guy was when I was 16. I've had a few more experiences since heading off to university last fall.

This story began this past spring. It had been a half year since I'd had any sexual contact, so naturally I was in need of some. So I posted a free "M4M" personal ad. I got a lot of responses but the respondents just didn't seem right for me.

After several months I got a response in late September, long after the responses to my ad had gone from a flow to a trickle. The ad was like all the others... he was 20, never been with a guy, wanted discreet NSA fun, etc. I was busy at the time so I ignored the response at first. The very next day he responded to me again, saying something to the effect of "hey dude, just making sure you got my response... really hope we can work something out." This struck me... nobody before had been so determined to make contact with me.

So I added him to MSN and we finally got around to chatting. It couldn't have gone better. He was talkative, funny, interesting and we had many things in common. And it didn't hurt to discover that he was extremely good looking too! In record time we were acquainted, exchanging texts regularly and had made plans to have some beers together on a weeknight.

That night came and again it couldn't have gone better! We hit it off instantly, laughing and joking as we booze cruised in his vehicle. The ONLY awkward part of the night was walking up to his parked car in a nearby lot to meet him for the first time. I couldn't believe my luck: he was HOT and an all around great guy who was genuinely interested in me. He's the kind of guy that you could pass on the street every day for years and never guess he's gay/bi. He's also the type that you probably wouldn't even notice if you did pass him on the street. But once you do notice him, you can't stop looking and you can't forget those eyes or that smile. I'll spare the details but we ended up back at his place and the sparks flew. What a great night, and it all felt so right! I woke up the next morning with a huge spring in my step. I was even more excited to receive an early morning text from him telling me about the spring in his step too. Thank God, he hadn't run off like he'd committed a crime never to be hear from again!

We got together several more times over the next couple weeks. What was great was not just the sex but how beforehand we'd drink beer and shoot the shit like we were old pals... I had a friend in him, not just a hookup!

What I need to stress here as it becomes the root of concern for me is the amount of texts we exchanged. We texted ALOT!!! He was usually the one to instigate a round of texts too. Once when he sensed I was busy as my replies were just one-worders he said, "hope I'm not bugging you man... I'll back off a bit... I just don't want to screw this up." I told him not to worry but what I didn't mention was how much I LOVED getting his texts. Every single "How's your day man?" or "I had a great time tonight dude" filled me with a great feeling... he actually cared about ME!

Lately, I've been worried since the amount of texting we do has dropped significantly. It's been 4 weeks to the day since we last saw each other in person. There have been some MSN chats since then and the odd round of texts but it's much less frequent. The long period since last seeing him doesn't concern me as much though: we've been busy and have made plans to meet but they've fallen through because of other commitments and an unexpected family emergency. What does concern me is how we don't text or talk much lately. Also, I'm now the one who usually instigates any back and forth text messaging.

Last week several of my texts to him between Sunday and Friday went totally unanswered. I knew he'd been having family problems (the reason why he had to cancel a get together the previous weekend) but I just couldn't fathom why I wasn't hearing from him AT ALL. I was a wreck last week. I thought for sure he was ignoring me and wanted nothing to do with me. Finally he texted me back on Friday. I was SO relieved! Everything sounded positive but he was too busy to hang out this past weekend. Since that round of 3 or 4 texts I haven't heard anything else from him.

So now I'm completely at a loss as to what to do or think. He hasn't given me any negative signals but the lack of hearing from him alarms me. Do I just keep texting him with the regular "Hows work?" messages and risk the worrying if my messages go unanswered again for another week? I don't want to text him too much either because I don't want to bug him or seem clingy. But I used to hear from him SO MUCH, now... hardly ever. I'm not sure what this week will bring. I'm hoping to arrange to hang out with him either mid-week or on the weekend. If I don't see him soon I'm gonna go crazy!

The fact that I haven't had sex in a few weeks isn't the problem either. I've gone much longer before! It's not the sex I'm missing as much, it's seeing him... hanging out, laughing, having a good time. This is probably the first guy I've met that I can see a future with. I don't know how he feels about that and it doesn't matter right now, I just desperately want things to continue as they were. I want reassurance that he wants our friendship to go on as it was before too. This may have started as a no strings attached hookup thing, but the fact that we've both let our guards down and opened up to become friends is proof that this isn't a robotic, purely sexual relationship with no chemistry.

So I need your help!

Am I over-thinking all of this?

Why do I hear from him so much less now? (as far as i know, nothing bad has happened between us that would "trigger" this distance)

How do I approach this whole thing?

What do I say to him? What do I do?

I want to see him so badly but don't want to spill my guts via text with any lovey-dovey crap... that would scare him off for sure!

I'm sorry for the long winded post, but I hope you can help... THANKS!

 

[misoho5]

well after reading all of this

one thing that comes to mind is maybe if he is indeed a closeted man he got afraid of liking being with you and being more intimate with a guy than just a one night stand

my advise

call him ask him out for coffee, no drinks, cause he might think you want sex (don't we all) and start a casual conversation then find ways to reassure your discretion and that you are nervous too and that in public you are still gonna take it slow

 

[KaraBulut]

You posted an ad looking for a hookup. By a freak chance, you found more than a hookup.

Now you're wanting to get serious. But the guy is busy, inexperienced and closeted. And he's not ready for the kind of seriousness you are interested in.

Calm down. Keep in touch with him. As misoho5 recommended, invite him to do something non-sexual like go have a couple of beers at a pub or to watch a game at a sports bar or just to hang out and talk- no sex.

This guy has a lot of thinking to do- he's just beginning the process. He's not ready for anything serious, so you're going to have to give him space. But you also need to prepare yourself that he's going to drop off the radar for a while.

 

[Noodles]

Thanks guys for your input. Looking at my first post after getting some *much needed* sleep I see how overly long it is. This is probably discouraging people from reading through it and commenting. My bad, I was really hoping for more input.

I will indeed keep things casual between us. No need to make any bold moves this early on.

I'm still concerned that he could be losing interest for reasons I'm unsure of. Like I said, he hasn't given me any direct negative signals, but the significant lack of communication between us lately is worrying. I just get the feeling that some minor misunderstanding has come between us. Is he scared that I want to take things further when he just wants to hookup? Or is he conflicted about how he feels about me... maybe he's feeling something similar to me? Or maybe he's just become more comfortable with our friendship, and being pre-occupied with other things, doesn't feel the need to be in as frequent of contact?

I appreciate your comment KaraBulut that he will drop on and off the radar seeing as he's new to this and confused. Maybe next week we'll be best of friends again. Maybe not. I definitely don't want to suggest getting more serious if it means scaring him away. I would be perfectly happy to have our Friendship continue as it was. And I need to somehow make sure that it does!

Thanks again for your help and hopefully others will join in on this discussion.

 

[nsguy2]

He may have taken your one word text message answers as a hint and backed off.

Get together with him for a beer, coffee or whatever and tell him how you feel - no games, no BS.

He may feel the same way as you and even if he doesn't, it's better than dragging the whole thing out for weeks/months.

Good luck.

 

[Noodles]

An update for everyone....

He sent me a text today.

The tone was light-hearted at first as he was responding to a joke I had made. However the end of the text said something to the effect of he's very sorry, but we likely couldn't see each other anymore as his ex is back in the picture (that's ex GF... he's bi too). He said he will give me a full explanation next time we catch each other on MSN. I know that the "ex back in the picture" stuff sounds like a load of BS, but he's always been an honest and trustworthy person and he's spoken at length about her before and the on/off relationship they've had.

Well.... good for him. However, not so good for me...
I've been taking it better than I thought I would actually. At least I've got some explanation as to why I haven't been hearing from him. Full closure would be nice.

But I'm not gonna lie, I cried for a few minutes in my room today. And I RARELY cry. Also, I received his text while I was eating lunch in a food court and I almost turned into a puddle of emotion right there. The fact that "Landslide" by Fleetwood Mac was playing on my mp3 at the time seemed to add to it... I was feeling down on myself to say the least!

But I'm feeling better this evening. I hope that I can look back on the good times we had in a positive light and forget the hurt. No hard feelings, no regrets. I'm confident he will give me a full explanation soon enough. And if not I'll send him a short message wishing him the best and that will be it.

So, now it's time to move on. I'm going to avoid getting involved with anyone for awhile. It would be nice to remain friends with him, but that's unlikely, maybe even undesirable. If we end on good terms that's good enough.

Thanks for listening everyone.

 

[Centexfarmer]

Noodles, you're such a trooper.

I think that all of us tend to expect the worse when we're left to devise our own conclusions to things.

I'd suggest that you support him as you would any friend.

If doing so would be to painful for you, then find some way to appreciate the experience, and move along.

Someone once said, "Life is what happens, when you were planning something else."

Your experience sounds chocked full of life.

You're still young, and you're learning.

Please resist the urge to blame yourself for anything that's happened here. So long as your were honest, and were yourself, you have nothing to worry about.

It may take a little time to work through all of this, but in the meantime make some new friends, get to know them, and see where that takes you.

 

[maxpowr9]

It seems like you really liked this guy and it is a bit shameful things don't go your way. You have a great attitude about it though and that is awesome.

Since you are newbie here (sorry for the term), I thought I would shead some light on a subject.

If you read your way through alot of posts in this particular forum, you will see alot of theads about 'dating closeted men' or 'closeted wanting to date'. The generally all give the same advice; until the closeted person is comfortable with themselves (aka comes out), it is best to steer clear of relationships with them, especially with an 'out' person. We would all like to find some way for it work, but eventually there will be a breaking point where they either have to come out or the relationship is over.

 

[Noodles]

Thanks guys for all your input... you really did help me to feel better!

Tonight I ended up having some old friends over to have some drinks and watch funny movies (gotta love Dumb and Dumber!).... it was probably a bad idea considering it was a weeknight (class tomorrow is gonna suck!) and I poured those rye 'n' cokes back pretty hard... but at least I was able to take my mind off this matter, have some laughs with friends, and appreciate what I've got in them. However, whenever I thought of 'him' I felt sick to my stomach... I miss him that's for sure, and it's going to hurt for awhile, but at least I've begun to move on now.

Noodles, you're such a trooper.

I think that all of us tend to expect the worse when we're left to devise our own conclusions to things.

I'd suggest that you support him as you would any friend.

If doing so would be to painful for you, then find some way to appreciate the experience, and move along.

Someone once said, "Life is what happens, when you were planning something else."

Your experience sounds chocked full of life.

You're still young, and you're learning.

Please resist the urge to blame yourself for anything that's happened here. So long as your were honest, and were yourself, you have nothing to worry about.

It may take a little time to work through all of this, but in the meantime make some new friends, get to know them, and see where that takes you.

I certainly would like the chance to support him as a friend. It's unlikely though, I think that if I were to pursue a casual friendship with him he'd suspect that I just had hidden motives to get him back in bed. What he probably doesn't know (because I didn't do a good enough job of letting him know) is that I just like being around him.

I like your quote, this whole thing did come and go unexpectedly. Before I knew it I was getting desperately attached to a guy I wanted to know better, and before I knew it I had lost my chance and he was gone. Thanks for your comments!

It seems like you really liked this guy and it is a bit shameful things don't go your way. You have a great attitude about it though and that is awesome.

Since you are newbie here (sorry for the term), I thought I would shead some light on a subject.

If you read your way through alot of posts in this particular forum, you will see alot of theads about 'dating closeted men' or 'closeted wanting to date'. The generally all give the same advice; until the closeted person is comfortable with themselves (aka comes out), it is best to steer clear of relationships with them, especially with an 'out' person. We would all like to find some way for it work, but eventually there will be a breaking point where they either have to come out or the relationship is over.

Thank you, I really did like him. I try to maintain a positive attitude for everything in life but it can be difficult. My life philosophy is centred around a quote from the late great John Candy: "Just go with the flow, like a twig on the shoulders of a mighty stream" (Planes, Trains & Automobiles). So, once I pick myself up again, hopefully I can just keep on goin' with the flow!

I understand and appreciate your advice about dating closeted men. Inside I knew from the git go that it would be difficult to get him to commit to anything more than an NSA relationship. Even with this knowledge I was still unable to keep myself from liking him and getting attached.

In the end, I'm not an 'out' person myself and I need to become more comfortable with myself before I try any of this again.

Thanks for your comments as well!

 

[KaraBulut]

In the end, I'm not an 'out' person myself and I need to become more comfortable with myself before I try any of this again.

That's probably the best of the wisdom in this thread.