Help!...Plz? (merged thread)

[Rorzeeee]

Hay Guys,

I really Need Some good, impartial advice!
I don't know how to start this so i am just gonna dive right in...

When i was 14 i was diagnosed with Cancer, it shattered me in almost every way and i truly thought i was gonna die.
As im writing this almost 6years later you mite have figured out by now that alas im not dead but for all intensive purposes i am.

By my 16th Birthday i was fine, physically but i was mentally F*cked up.
I got Drunk (alot), did drugs (alot), i was searching for something to fill an emotional void (im still Searching) But i don't know what that void is.

Anyways i was still in school @ 16 and about to go into further education @ my school college and tbh i had no direction, i went to college because my friends were going, i did the same courses my friends were doing and inevitably since the courses were picked by my friends they showed interest and commitment.
I however drifted by the wayside and beacme incresingly distant and deliberatly withdrawing from school activities and hobies, my friends and my family.

I was getting teased by what i guess u would call the alpha males, being gay to me had never been something to be ashamed off and was never an issue to me.
It was more the mentality of when i realized "im gay, ok then lets see how this works out".

The teasing was not a big deal to me, i was already used to people not liking me for who i was long before the gayness popped up, so to speak.
It wasn't until it became physical, thats when i was scared to go to school, yet in 2minds because i really didn't wanna be there anyways but i needed to be defiant and stand upto them but i just wasn't strong enough...
I played truant for a couple of months before the school finally kicked me out.

A few months later i met a guy (ill call him M), we became friends and although i wanted more, it never came to anything because again i was to scared.
A few of rejection if i think back now, later on though i discovered he felt exactly the same way. (doh!)

The summer of that year, i left home after months of verbal abuse from my mum, id just had enough, i needed to find whatever it was that i needed so badly but i still hadn't figured that out.
So i packed a bag and of i went to "M`s" i stayed a few days and off i went again to some guys house, who i didn't know and yeah now im a little older it wasn't a smart thing to do...

In the course of my "summer adventure" and over 3 days id managed to make it 20 miles away from home to the city.
Randomly "M" called me on the 3rd day and insisted i meet him in the city.

After meeting we grabbed a bus to a council estate where we lived in a council apartment for 2weeks with no money and no food the time had come for me to again accept defeat plus the fact that the council knew we where there and were threatening to call the cops helped in my decision.

I went back to my town and stayed in a hostel, i felt so alone and utterly abandoned.
Depression started to kick in and i found myself turning back to drink and drugs.
I was in a pretty bad way and its now that i wish someone had have cared enough to be there, to help me.
But nobody was and tbh i was used to being let down.

The hostel found me a place to live in a shared house a few months later, after id moved in "M" came back into my life, flaunting his sexuality in front of any man over 16.
Its here that he met a friend of mine (i say friend) i completely hated him so more of a frienemy.
They hit it off instantly and i was 3rd wheel for the next 2months, until they decided i move back to the city with them.
Which i did, to be reflective and look back again it was a bad decision but "M" was my only friend in the world and i didn't wanna loose that.

I was 17 now and for my birthday i received a £2 bottle of wine and a card from "M" it was almost summer again but things in that house had gone from ok to bad to extremely uncomfortable and by now my depression had taken over my life, i wa sleeping allday and waking up at like 8pm, eating a banana and going back to bed.

I managed to snap myself out of it and secured a job in a callcentre, i walked the 5miles to and from my new workplace everday and i was really enjoying it and everything was starting to go well.

I recieved a txt msg from my cousin (the only 1 in my family who knew where i was) oneday "Grandas dead, you have to come home" i was in turmoil, grieving for someone i hadnt seen in almost a year but regardless i had the utmost respect for and loved with every fibre.

I walked out of work without telling anyone and went str8 to the booze shop, waited till someone would take my money and bu me a bottle of Jack.
Sat on the train platform watching the world, the perfect people, watching my life go by.
I was completely pissed (drunk) by the time that the police had arrived to escort me from the platform.
They took me home, to my mums house, i still cant remember telling them where i lived.
She feigned emotion @ my return while the cops where there and for a few days i thought she`d changed or was it me, had i changed?

No, it all went back to the normal the day of the funeral.
Tears and black, everwhere i looked and a big brown box in the corner of the room.
This was my 1st run-in with death but it wasnt to be my last.
My mum started her attck as soon as we got in the car "i saw you looking at that boy" wtf was she on about? id been so misty eyed that if zac efron hada walked by me i would have been oblivious.
I tried to defend myself, even i wouldnt eye someone up at a funeral.
It went in one ear and out the other.

Over the next few weeks it got much worse but then i felt a lump, tests at the hospital the floowing week only to be confirmed days later.
The cancer was back and this time it was back with a vengeance.
The whole time id been away from home i hadnt been for my checkups so who knows has it been in my body festering for 2 weeks or 2years?
My mind was pretty heavy.

I was a freakin cancer patient again, id no friends, no direction i life and was putting on weight like oprah.
Things needed to change.
I went on a diet, got a job & hung out with my cousin loads and althoght i still had cancer and was recieving treatment and was as bald as a badgers arse it didnt matter.
For the first time in a longtime i was happy.

Would it last?
Ofcourse not, you probly guessed exactly what id been thinking, this is 2 good to be true.

My diet was working to well, tbh i was starving myself and my body had become to weak to fight the cancer.
They gave me steroids, i ballooned from 8stone to 13, i sank into a new low.
The whole time i had nuffin i had my looks (ano how vain) but it worked for me and althought i was and still am a virgin (waiting for the right guy still, im only 19 so shussh if u have a problem with it! ) i knew i could if id wanted to but the urge never gave into temptation.

I got myself a myspace account and i put old pictures of myself up, it was more for me to get some sense of normality, i never thought for a 2nd that someone would be interested in me, but somebody was, i was shocked.

It was january 07 and i started talking to "C" he was handsome, gentle and he was being nice because he wanted to be and not because he wanted to see (if ya get me) granted he was a little goofy but it was so endearing.

I played the part of me very well and everything would have worked out if i was still the person in those pictures but i wasn't and my april he was growing suspicious, understandably.
We lived in the same town and there was no good reason why we hadn't met.
I couldn't go on lying either, although the only thing i ever decieved him on was the pictures.

Then death struck again, my dad died, he had a massive heart attack on the way home from work and althought dad and i hada somehwat strained relationship we always knew how much we loved eachother.
I was absolutely heartbroken and i honestly thought i was cursed.
Everything i touch or love turns to shit or in this case dies.
Why!?

"C" was an amazing support to me threw all of this and i wouldnt have made it without him, we talked on the phone for hours evernite, he knew every detail of my life and he knew me better than anyone ever has before or since he was the only person i had and i hadnt even met him.
This confused me and bothe depressed me, i had to meet him but he`d see in a instant it wasn't me, even thought it was.
Im guessing im even confusing you now huh!?
Welcome to my world.

I arranged to meet him under the pretense that he was meeting my cousin who was protective and wanted to vet him (lies) the morning came to meet him and id practised a fake voice, we met in a coffee shop and it lasted 20 minutes.
The most uncomfortable 20minutes of my life and by the look on his face the most boring of his.

I was heartbroken, talking to him after this meeting he had said how my cousin looked like me (he/i was me) but how he wasnt attrated to him/me.
I had my answer now, he couldn't like me, even when i was being real.(ish)
I went threw a whole range of emotion the next few weeks...guilt, anger.

My life was spinning out of control again and i couldn't let it happen but it was looking like i had no choice.
Me and "C" kept talking although he was increasingly drifting away, it came to a head in august 07, id been told i was cancer free but id been left with a shell.
I celebrated by getting incredibly drunk.
I bumped into "c" at a club (que fake voice)
He was with a guy, i think thats the nite i cracked, i kept thinking "that could have been me"
I just wanna stress that in those months we had been talking there were many times when i had thought to myself, wtf are you doing but i was into deep and tbh i couldnt bare the thought of not having his support and i felt embarassed to a point to that i had to goto these extremes just to have a friend.

I immmediatly got into a taxi and went to get some drugs, i needed to numb this pain, after taking a variety of class`A and downing a bottle of JD, called the police and reported myself missing.
The police came, i gave them a picture of (old) me and my phone, i later found out that they called the last dialled numbers in the phone and got "C" who had said he hadnt seen me and i hadn't been in contact.

This went on for 2days and id sobered up by now and it was all way to serious, i came clean and the police let me off with a warning for "wasting police time" (shamed again)
I found out that they had told "C" what had happened, now i was shamed, embarassed and outed.
I recieved my last txt msg from "C" that day and it made me cry, it made me cry so hard and im tearing up rite now while im typing this.

The only thing that had been keeping me going this whole time had been taking away from me and to make it worse it was all my own fault.
I had nothing left.

After 2 weeks of sleep, alcohol and Class`A, i took an overdose.
I panicked and walked into the local police station who called me an ambulance.
What if i could put this all right? what if i could apoligise, i could get back to normal i thought to myself.
I had to at least try.

After getting my stomach pumped after eating charcoal failed my family signed me into a Scottish rehab clinic.
It was to get my own mental health back in check i had unresolved issues with the cancer, my ganda dying and my dad, subsequently i went threw a relapse when i found out my granny had died and i wouldnt be allowed to goto the funeral
I was released 2 weeks before xmas`07 with a clean bill of health.

Yeh i got depressed still because my lifes not perfect but who`s is?
I let social and society pressures get to me.
I am what i am and now im becoming to feel comfortable in myself, ive hada job in a cafe for the past few months and i plan to go to University in september.

I`ve learned alot, im more considerate of other people and i take them at face value now.
Im certainly alot wiser than my 19years.
Im starting from the bottom again and working my way up and althought sometimes its scary Its exciting.

I`ve lost the excess weight and im back in shape at a "Normal size" for my height and age of 10Stone.
Im not always happy and my social staus is pretty dyer but im a firm believer in loving yourself before anyone else can.

The advice im asking for is should i contact "C" and tell him just what was going on?
I still regard him as a friend and i want to be able to do friend things with him...or is that crazy talk?
I have to say thought that he has been my inspiration for getting well and back into shape...he loved the me in the pictures and now im back to being the me in the pictures.

I think Hes the filler for the void...

Help!...Plz?

 

[star-warrior]

Re: Am I Weird!?

Life is what you make it. Things happen, but its the way you deal with it and how you pull through that makes all the difference. There are no right answers, other than being able to live with yourself.

 

[EvilForce]

Re: Help!...Plz?

At this point he's not in your life at all so what do you have to lose?

As an aside, you obviously had/have addiction issues. Life has dealt you some shitty cards, but what can you do? Most addiction counselors say you need to be clean, sober, and in charge of your life for a couple of years before you seek out a stable relationship.

 

[josher]

Re: Help!...Plz?

I want to commend you for cleaning up your act and deciding to "start again at the bottom", as you say.

Given all the suffering you've endured and that presumably you have a depressive and addictive personality, your choices, while destructive to the max, probably aren't too unusual.

Please keep working at sobriety one day at a time and keeping busy with work and school.

If you contact "C", you'll have to tell him the whole story, if he even agrees to listen to you. But do realize, you never had a real relationship with him. Texting, instant messaging and even phone calls do not constutute a relationship. That can only come about one-on-one and in person.

If I were you, I'd try to find some social organizations (which don't revolve around drugs and alcohol) to join, including gay organizations. There's probably a gay helpline that could point you in the right direction.

If you're going back to school there should certainly be a number of clubs and organizations, gay and mixed, which could enable you to make some friends.

I hope things continue to go well for you. Please let us know from time to time how things are going in your life.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

 

[godson112]

Re: Am I Weird!?

That's quite an epic story.
I don't really know what to say about it all.

But in response to the last bit, I definitley think you should contact 'C' again. You should let him know what was going on because if he liked you like you said he did, I don't think he'd let you down. I'm not saying he'll definitley confess his love for you and stuff, but I definitley think he'd be willing to rebuild a friendship with you at the least.

And don't worry about your social life being dire. If you do go to university that'll change everything. There are thousands of people there with every type of background and backstory possible. It's so easy to make friends in university it's unnatural.

But I feel for you, I'm glad your life seems back on track and I wish you luck

 

[hopnung]

Re: Help!...Plz?

I think that if you want to remain in contact with him/remain on good terms with him, there's no harm in contacting him and just being like "hey, about back then...."

Do it!

(Just don't post this gobs of times)

 

[valis23]

Re: Am I Weird!?

I know you didn't ask, and it's not really germane to your situation, but I wanted to be sure to compliment you on your writing style. It may not all be Strunk & White, but you have a definite writing style. It's interesting to read your writing (and that's quite rare for a 19-year-old).

As for your question, it really is a hard call. In the end, I'd probably have to say No, don't contact him. Sounds like you're at a very good point to make a clean break from your past and build a new future. You treated him shabbily -by your own admission. Regardless of any physical questions, he'll resent that. Also the relationship (such as it was) seems to have been quite one-sided. It may just be the way you wrote it, but it seems you were the one taking the initiative.

You're in a good place mentally and physically. Start today fresh. Learn from your past, but don't drag it with you.

And keep up the good work!

 

[Eagle653]

Re: Help!...Plz?

There's nothing really wrong with calling him, but be prepared for possible rejection or a cooler, less-than-loving tone than he had given in the past. Also, he might have moved on and might have a new bf. On the other hand, it could perhaps re-start a friendship on hopefully an honest level. If you tell him what you told us, he might very well be moved by all that was going on and feel for you. However, I wouldn't do this unless you are strong enough to accept a rejection.

You've done a lot of brave things and have gone through, in 19 years, more than most go through in a lifetime. Yet, you're a survivor. I'm glad you're on the road to doing healthy things. All the best to you. Keep in touch with us here--you're among friends here.

 

[Txgoodoldboy]

Re: What Would You Do!?

Wow, that is intense. It is good to hear that you are doing okay.

The advice im asking for is should i contact "C" and tell him just what was going on?
I still regard him as a friend and i want to be able to do friend things with him...or is that crazy talk?

Do you feel strong enough, to handle the possibility, that he might not feel the way he once did? If it doesn't work out, will this trigger a backslide?

If you feel strong enough, give it a try. But remember to respect his wishes on the situation.

All in all, this is your decision.

 

[looseliam]

Re: What Would You Do!?

This guy's walking down the street when he falls in a hole.
The walls are so steep he can't get out.
A doctor passes by, and the guy shouts up, "Hey, you, can you help me out?"
The doctor writes a prescription, throws it down in the hole and moves on.
Then a priest comes along, and the guy shouts up, "Father, I'm down in this hole. Can you help me out?" The priest writes a prayer, throws it down in the hole and moves on.
Then a friend walks by. "Hey, Joe, it's me. Can you help me Out"
And the friend jumps in the hole. He guy says, "Are you nuts? Now we're both down here."
The friend says, "Yeah, but I've been down here before - and I know the way out."

Hi, I'm Joe - proverbially speaking.

The worst thing I think you can do is turn to one thing or one person to fill a void. Right now, you have to fill it with things you enjoy and things that bring you joy - and sorry to say, it's not a bottle, syringe, or a person.

It's time to get back to basics.

Though things may be bleak, find the small things again.

Stop and enjoy the smell after a good rain - a smile on a baby's face - the sun shinning - a warm breeze.

Hell, enjoy the fact that you're alive.

It's tough. It really is. It's hard to be alone - really alone. But you have to thrive in spite of it.

As sad as it may sound, 'C' may not want to hear from you. And I'd think the best thing for you would to not take the chance of him saying something horrible, or demeaning.

You have a fight ahead, I won't lie. But methinks you've got some fight left in you.

Lean on us for support - we'll stand by you.

 

[notrump]

Re: What Would You Do!?

I would advise you to contact him ..... under one condition. Only if you are prepared for rejection. Are you strong enough to handle it?

And when you do contact him be totally honest. Tell him just how you feel. Tell him just as you told us. And NO MORE GAMES. Only honesty.

Keep us informed.

 

[Rorzeeee]

Re: Am I Weird!?

godson112,

Epic!?
Yeah i guess,
Once i started typing i was at it for about 90minutes.
I hada little cry to myself when id finished and i felt good...i dunno i guess i got a release from writing it all down.

Thanks for your advice, Thank-you all!

 

[Rorzeeee]

Re: Am I Weird!?

Valis,

I appreciate your compliments on my writing,
But starting afresh is not so easy, everyday i think about what happened and everyday i see reminders.

Case and point? His mum works in the same cafe as me (small town) but she has no idea who i am and id like to keep it that way.
Yet everyday i go in and im petrified he will walk threw the door.

Im not financially secure enough to move away and emotionally i couldn't take the loneliness that would bring.
Also i don't drive so to travel to the city to work would cost more than it would be worth.

Im also worried about what people may be saying about me, i am an insecure, self-conscious person.
But to think what his friends may think of me and gay scene ppl finking im a freak is scary.

I want to be apart of the scene but again im scared to.

My days r currently filled with waking-up, showering, going to work, internet till silly am then going to sleep.

Fanks for reading.x

 

[Rorzeeee]

Re: What Would You Do!?

The only think i want from him is his friendship.
I keep thinking if we were having that much fun even when we hadn't met how much fun could we have in person...maybe im being naive and maybe clinging onto my past is wrong but when you feel you have no place in the present sometimes the past is all you`ve got.

And starting afresh is not so easy, everyday i think about what happened and everyday i see reminders (i just cant let go)

Case and point?
His mum works in the same cafe as me
(small town & no i didn't know she worked there before i applied for the job)

Shes always talking about him and what hes been doing and how hes been scouted to do modeling (its comforting to hear that what happened didn't totally fuck him up but it hurts me to hear how awesome his life is and how mine totally sucks)

But she has no idea who i am and id like to keep it that way, i cant afford to loose my job.
Yet everyday i go in and im petrified he will walk threw the door.

Im not financially secure enough to move away and emotionally i couldn't take the loneliness that would bring.
Also i don't drive so to travel to the city to work would cost more than it would be worth.

Im also worried about what people may be saying about me, i am an insecure, self-conscious person.
But to think what his friends may think of me and gay scene ppl finking im a freak is scary.

I want to be apart of the scene but again im scared to.

My days r currently filled with waking-up, showering, going to work, internet till silly am then going to sleep.

I suffer with my confidence still but the only thing i want from life is to have one.

And i don't want ppl thinking im looking for attention or sympathy cus im not, tbh since i started writing here i feel like a weights been lifted and i wish id had the courage to ask for advice long before now.

Once again thank-you all.x
Ps: "joe" thats a wonderful sentiment.x

 

[tonyboy]

Re: Help!...Plz?

Listen up my friend....

You've had some very hard blows.. But you seem to be on your way to a good life now. Yeah, it's going to be tough for a while...

But just the fact that you've realized all this shit and are able to share it with us means you are on track to figure it all out and how you can use the past to help your future.

Man, I give you so much credit for changing your life around. It will work for you in the long run, I know it will.

Please keep writing on jub. You've know idea how many people read what you write, even if they don't all reply I know you've got many, many friends here to support you.

From just one of those friends....
tonyboy

 

[tallguy297]

Re: Help!...Plz?

Hey Rorzeeee,

Mate... thank you for your post and your story... its both heartbreaking and inspiring at the same time. You have my complete and utter admiration for your courage, your determination and your strength.

And mate... those are the things you need desperately to see in yourself. Your courage to start again, your strength to face battle after battle, your determination to learn and go forward.

At 19 you've made some mistakes... but who the hell hasnt? At the time you made some choices with the tools you were given... looking back you can see that maybe you should have chosen other paths but at the time you dealt. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, but its a sure fire way to beat yourself up and hold yourself back.

Not many guys have beaten what you have beaten Rorzeeee... be it medically, physically or mentally. You need to understand what you have achieved... you have a right to feel proud of the positives in your life... you've beaten cancer, alcohol and drugs. You've stood up, you've cleaned up and you want a new start.

And its for that very reason that you need to move on from "C".

He has no place in this new life you want or deserve. No hes not a bad person or influence... but hes a reminder of the past... of a time where you were low. A time where you lied and a time where you needed anything you could get in the way of love freindship and support.

You have moved on mate... and really so has he. He was already doing that a long time ago... and no matter how much you wish for you to be best freinds I cant see in your post anyway thats possible. By reopening this wound, you open yourself up to being hurt or rejected when this doesn't turn out the way you want it.

Rorzeeee... you have moved on. You are stronger, wiser and better equipped to go forward and create a life with the happiness you deserve. You have learnt so much so quickly, you see your mistakes and acknowledge them, you have set a path you know that gives you stability and strength.

Yes, life might be a little stale right now as you build your confidence and direction, but thats not a bad thing for awhile... you've had enough excitement and adventure for a while... now is the time for consolidation and stability.

Theres no doubt mate that you are an intelligent and articulate guy. You do have a strength and courage thats an inspiration. You have a sense of right and wrong and you know what it is to loved. You have a self realization thats not only amazing for a 19 year old there are plenty of 50 year olds who dont understand themselves as well as you.

Rorzeeee, your post shows someone who craves happiness and the love and support thats been missing in your life... and you deserve it. But you cannot force people to give it to you, nor can you spend a lifetime waiting for it to come from places it never will.

You have worked so hard to get a clean sheet of paper mate... use it. Use it to map out a new life free of the old ghosts. Be bold and brave with your dreams... and slowly, piece by piece, step by step go get them.

Only look back to see the amazing things you have achieved, nothing else. Because I'm pretty certain that you have the power to have the life you dream of... you just dont know it yet.

 

[luminum]

Re: What Would You Do!?

I think that looseliam is correct in warning you about looking to someone else to fill the void in your life. Ultimately, as you seem to have learned, your life is your own and you have to be the primary support in your life. Friends and family are important (to varying degrees), but they can never be the main column of support in your life.

From what you've written, it seems like in the past, in absence of support you've turned to substance abuse as a comfort and it appears clear that you now know that it was not a good option at all. Likewise, I think you now need to discover yourself and a belief in your own self worth to be what gets you through life's difficult situations.

If you want to establish a friendship with 'C' after he was made aware of the bizarre circumstances involving you, I think the first step would be contacting him and just coming clean. It's clear that your fear of getting close to him, your plethora of issues with your fight with cancer, and the deaths in your family caused you to react to him in a circuitous and odd fashion. Clearly you're concerned that he was weirded out by you when the police told him who you were, etc.

Therefore, do you think that a good first step would be to explain why you were acting this way when you met him? Perhaps explaining that you were going through a lot and that all you want from him is friendship will help him realize what had happened and why and he can better process the situation. That way he can see that you weren't being just "crazy" and can better decide where he wants to go.

Regardless, you may have to deal with the possibility of rejection. But like you learned with the other guy you were interested in, if you don't at least try, you may end up missing a great opportunity. I'm glad that you're stable now, but if you ever feel that things are too much to deal with, including attempting to establish this friendship, get help before you NEED help.

 

[Rorzeeee]

Omg Guys!

Im feeling Really Low...

I know i shouldnt have but i just checked out his stikcam and there was a video of him and his bf...
Their really cute and hes all over him.

Why cant i just let go?

 

[Rorzeeee]

Im actually having all kinds of crazy thoughts right now...

i wish i could erase my memory!

I really wanna drink but its 3am.

I cant deal anymore guys...

 

[looseliam]

It may hurt for a while.

There's no easy way to get through things sometimes.

Stay away from the bottle. Try and get some sleep, I find a rested mind thinks better.