Help W/friend

[boifromca]

So Ive been best friends with this guy for 4 years now. We both just recently graduated from college. We also recently came out to each other. Before that we were extreamly close. Like hanging out all the time, going everywhere together, we were even roommates. The friendship just felt different. We connected on a whole different level. He truly is my better half and we make each other better. He and I both recognize that. We were never intimate but emotionally it felt like a relationship. I know that it is damn near impossible to be as close as we were to someone and not develop feelings for them. I fell in love. And about a month ago I told him that I had feelings for him, which he knew already. Well now he is being different. He avoids me. He says he doesn't have feelings for me and I told him that I was fine with that. I just feel like if Im okay with it and you say that me telling you that is not a factor in the way you've been treating me...then what is the big deal. I know he is not ready to be in a relationship with a guy. I feel like it got to the point where we were so close that he became affraid. We were so close. I honesly feel in my gut that he is not telling me everything. He tells me that he needs time to figure out what he wants. So he doesn't want to be that close to me. How can you just drop a friendship that was that close and tight and special? He and I both recognize that what we have is very rare and special and he and I both have been very unhappy with how our relationship is now. But I just feel in my heart that he's affraid. Because if it was just a friendship to him I dont think it would be this hard for him to maintain that with me.

What do you guys think? Similar experiences?

 

[G-Lexington]

Welcome to JUB!

OK, quick sum up. You're gay, you're best friend is gay, you have feelings for him, you told him, he says he doesn't have feelings for you, you say you're fine with that.

So let me put him aside for a minute, and focus on you. What do YOU want? What do YOU expect to happen? Because taken at face value, he's saying he's not interested in you like that, and you're cool with that. So how is that going to work? You go back to being thick as thieves, and just hope the feelings go away? Or you keep mooning over him, and hope he comes around?

Lex

 

[racer2438]

He has told how he feels, so you need to respect this. If you dont this could be a problem for you both as it will drive him further away.

So if you ok with this as you say, then you need to keep your feeling in check and respect him. Unless you want to lose him you need to be careful. He may have freaked out when you told him as he did not have the same feeling you do and he is putting some distance in hopes you bring it up and or pressuring him.

Good luck..

 

[KaraBulut]

Sometimes the best gift you can give someone is time and space.

Things are very clear to you. It doesn't seem as clear to your friend.

If you want to continue the friendship, then let him know that he's your friend, you care about him . When he's worked through whatever issue is causing the problem, then maybe you can resume your friendship where you left off.

In the meantime, you need to move on and find other friends and other guys who are ready to love you back.

 

[boifromca]

Thanks for the advice guys!!

I know I have to respect what he says and give him time. But I honestly dont feel in my heart that he is so shocked that I have feelings for him. We both were very close to each other, abnormally close for just two guys having a "friendship" and everyone else saw the same thing. They also thought we were together. I feel in my heart that its deeper. I feel he just needs time to explore and not be tied down. He is absolutely not ready for a relationship so its not like I'm too worried that he's gonna meet anyone else. It is just one of those things that you know is meant to be. Everyone who is close to us and know about us feels the same way. We just fit each other. Its right. I can't explain it. I just feel it in my heart guys. And Im not one of those people who would run behind someone who doesn't want me. But for some reason I feel that its more to it than what he is telling me. But I know i have to respect his wishes.

 

[TX-Beau]

Thanks for the advice guys!!

I know I have to respect what he says and give him time. But I honestly dont feel in my heart that he is so shocked that I have feelings for him. We both were very close to each other, abnormally close for just two guys having a "friendship" and everyone else saw the same thing. They also thought we were together. I feel in my heart that its deeper. I feel he just needs time to explore and not be tied down. He is absolutely not ready for a relationship so its not like I'm too worried that he's gonna meet anyone else. It is just one of those things that you know is meant to be. Everyone who is close to us and know about us feels the same way. We just fit each other. Its right. I can't explain it. I just feel it in my heart guys. And Im not one of those people who would run behind someone who doesn't want me. But for some reason I feel that its more to it than what he is telling me. But I know i have to respect his wishes.

OK all this “what we had was so special,” stuff is coming from you, He’s not saying that, he’s not acting like he feels that. Obviously he doesn’t want what you do or you’d be dating. There it is. He doesn’t feel what you do, he doesn’t want what you do, if he did he wouldn’t be acting the way he is.

A lot of times in here people tell other people to go ahead and tell the best friend they’re crushing on about their crush. The problem is that the majority of time, it’s the wrong advice.

You already had a relationship that had certain terms; you were friends, not BF’s. You both operated under those terms. Now you’ve radically altered the terms of your relationship. Since it looks like he isn’t interested/ready/whatever, he’s uncomfortable. Is that so surprising? He may not be “dropping you,” so much as uncertain how to deal with you, and afraid if he remains around you 24/7, you’re going to misinterpret that.

One more thing, don’t project, don’t over-analyze, your feelings are yours, not his. Don’t assume you know what he’s feeling. You’ve already had this conversation so you need to take him at his word. Don’t sit around thinking you heard what he said, but you know better. You don’t. There is only one solution here, that’s to let him go, and find someone else. I suspect that if you find some other guy, he’ll be fine hanging out with you again.

How much of what you’re saying is really coming from him, and how much is what you want to believe?

 

[TX-Beau]

One more thing, he may not have been "shocked,"that you're in love with him, but consider this, if he knew you had feelings for him, and he had feelings for you, and wanted what you want, why was he silent about it?

He didn't bring it up, you did. Always believe what a guy does.

EVEN IF, he has some kind of feelings for you he's not acting like it, and doesn't seem to be getting any closer to wanting you. So EVEN IF is moot. It's the same as not interested.

Look, you can sit around and angst about this forever, and come back in here in six months wondering why he's dating someone else, or you can take control of your life, back away from this guy, and go and see what else is out there.

Your choice, but I've gotta say, no one ever found Mr. Right by wallowing in angst over Mr. Not interested.

 

[G-Lexington]

Maybe I'm reading too much into your post, but you appear to be asking something without really asking. To wit:

"We really ARE meant to be together. Everybody SAW that we were much more than friends. The only guy who doesn't get it is him. What needs to be done in order for him to understand?"

Nothing, really. There's nothing you can say or do for him to "get it". He might come to the same conclusion on his own, or he might never come to that conclusion. And I don't think anything you do or say will have much bearing on that. So it really doesn't matter what you do. So I'd suggest going out and living your life, and hope that he'll come around.

Lex

 

[Lewis1]

One more thing, he may not have been "shocked,"that you're in love with him, but consider this, if he knew you had feelings for him, and he had feelings for you, and wanted what you want, why was he silent about it?

He didn't bring it up, you did. Always believe what a guy does.

EVEN IF, he has some kind of feelings for you he's not acting like it, and doesn't seem to be getting any closer to wanting you. So EVEN IF is moot. It's the same as not interested.

Look, you can sit around and angst about this forever, and come back in here in six months wondering why he's dating someone else, or you can take control of your life, back away from this guy, and go and see what else is out there.

Your choice, but I've gotta say, no one ever found Mr. Right by wallowing in angst over Mr. Not interested.

you know u one cold hearted muthufucka luther

 

[TX-Beau]

you know u one cold hearted muthufucka luther

That’s not cold, that’s realistic.

The scenario as described is that the OP told his best friend he was in love with him. Then the best friend immediately started distancing himself from the situation.

Going in endless circles about how the OP “knows” how the friend feels, or going further into how everyone just knew they were so right for each other isn’t helpful. It contradicts the situation on the ground. However this friend “feels,” he’s not engaging on that level, in fact he’s backing off.

We none of us can hope someone into wanting what we want, down that path lies heartbreak, we can only deal with ourselves and how we react to the situation on the ground. If the friend needs space, so be it, give him space.

Maybe he’ll come around; maybe he won’t, maybe after a month or so of processing the friend will just go back to being the friend. In the meantime, I’m always in favor of taking your own life and living it. I’m not in favor of shelving oneself waiting for someone else to work out their own shit, I’m never in favor of escalating the situation into a drama with all that entails.

If this is really “meant to be,” then somewhere down the line they’ll end up together. So instead of shelving oneself, shelve the problem and go on with your life.

The OP can still be a friend without pushing this or mentally rehashing it at every turn, in fact, I’d say that was being a friend.

 

[KaraBulut]

I feel in my heart that its deeper. I feel he just needs time to explore and not be tied down. He is absolutely not ready for a relationship so its not like I'm too worried that he's gonna meet anyone else. It is just one of those things that you know is meant to be. Everyone who is close to us and know about us feels the same way. We just fit each other. Its right. I can't explain it. I just feel it in my heart guys.

The problem is that what you feel is only 1/2 of the equation.

And in the end, it may not matter.

But I know i have to respect his wishes.

Indeed.

 

[LonelyFace]

So Ive been best friends with this guy for 4 years now. We both just recently graduated from college. We also recently came out to each other. Before that we were extreamly close. Like hanging out all the time, going everywhere together, we were even roommates. The friendship just felt different. We connected on a whole different level. He truly is my better half and we make each other better. He and I both recognize that. We were never intimate but emotionally it felt like a relationship. I know that it is damn near impossible to be as close as we were to someone and not develop feelings for them. I fell in love. And about a month ago I told him that I had feelings for him, which he knew already. Well now he is being different. He avoids me. He says he doesn't have feelings for me and I told him that I was fine with that. I just feel like if Im okay with it and you say that me telling you that is not a factor in the way you've been treating me...then what is the big deal. I know he is not ready to be in a relationship with a guy. I feel like it got to the point where we were so close that he became affraid. We were so close. I honesly feel in my gut that he is not telling me everything. He tells me that he needs time to figure out what he wants. So he doesn't want to be that close to me. How can you just drop a friendship that was that close and tight and special? He and I both recognize that what we have is very rare and special and he and I both have been very unhappy with how our relationship is now. But I just feel in my heart that he's affraid. Because if it was just a friendship to him I dont think it would be this hard for him to maintain that with me.

What do you guys think? Similar experiences?

I'd say just give him some time. He needs to go through that part of the story where the 2 lovers split and take time off to vent and find themselves and then get back together or have a heart to heart with each other in order to give the relationship and the plot closure.

So while he does that, you should just live your life, and maybe keep any other possible "Mr. Right(s)" in the back of your mind for later.

 

[boifromca]

Thanks guys!

I know he just needs time. He told me he needed time. So I have to respect that. I feel like he needs to know who he is without me. And know what's out there. But I know that he knows where he belongs, and I know he'll be back. But in the mean time I am gonna continue to live my life and experience things.

 

[spencer]

more importantly that him needing time is you needing independence. If you go out there and live your life, date, etc. He will see what a great independent person you are. People don't like guys that hang on them and have no other life or hobbies. Granted you didn't say you did or didn't. But from the OP it seems like you're infatuated and if you are it screams you're not keeping yourself busy. Go out and have fun. Your friend will notice how good you are without him and from afar and he'll like it and want it back.

He definately will not come back to you if you wallow in it. No one will.

 

[boifromca]

i totally agree Spencer. And I think he wanted to assert his independence from me. We both relied on each other alot. I think it's an important thing for us to be able to survive on our own. Because this was not a regular guy/guy friendship in the least bit. We literally did everything together. Spent all of our time together. And I think it got to the point where he felt like he couldn't do anything without me. Even though he expressed that he liked us doing things together. He felt like he should be able to go solo and not feel bad. It's just hard for me bacause I feel half of me is gone. And we've talked and he's expressed how much it blows that we're like this, so I know it's difficult for him too. But the thought of him maybe being interested in anyone else makes me ill. Even though I know he will not be in a relationship with anyone at this point. But still, it's always that chance that he might. And that scares me. We don't really talk about other guys with each other because it feels really weird. I dont get that because we are best friends? I want to, but I think it makes him a little uncomfortable. But I know he talks about it to other people. Which makes me wonder why we cant talk about it? What you guys think of that?

 

[spencer]

when you do get your own stuff going on you will feel the independence as opposed to your codependence. You have to live like you are your own whole not like you are missing your other half. When you can stand on your own feet, then you can be with him. Use your future man (whether it be him or someone you haven't met yet) as inspiration.

 

[boifromca]

I definitely want to be more independent. But at the same token, feelings aside, he was/and still is my best friend. I want to maintain some type of relationaship with him b/c we know so much about each other and I feel like I should be able to talk to him about anything.

Which brings me back to something I mentioned before...Why does it feel so weird when we talk about gay stuff? If we are friends, and trusted each other enough to come out to each other first, we should be able to talk about hot guys and the things we like, right? I told him I wanted to talk about that stuff with him but it felt really weird. He agreed that it did. And I made a comment about how I want to say things to him about gay stuff and guys...and he said that it was probably best that I dont. But I talk to other people about it and so does he. So I dont get the awkwardness? Why can't we talk about that, we are bestfriends.

 

[LonelyFace]

^^ How would you feel if the one you loved said, "damn, I'd like to tap that ass!" about someone else right in front of you?

Maybe that's what it feels like for him.

 

[boifromca]

I know. That's the vibe I get from him. But he told me he didn't have feelings for me that way. And it really confuses me a lot. Because we are best friends and I know with my other friends, it's not a problem at all talking about it. But with him, I feel like he avoids telling me things and I feel like he doesn't really want me talking about that stuff to him. I just know that it should not be this difficult if I was just a friend. And I'm really not trying to make this out to be something that it's not because, believe me, I would rather not deal with all the hurt. I'm just confused about where we stand.

 

[LonelyFace]

My brother and I would never talk about our sex lives with each other. That just seems weird to us (who wants to imagine their brother having sex with someone?!).

Perhaps he thinks you're like a brother to him. Maybe. I dunno.