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Help with relationship

J

jjmc

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So I've been with my partner for almost 3 years now. The entire first year was wonderful. He was very attentive and affectionate. To me, after the first full year his affection decreased with each passing month. We have talked about this a few times and he tells me that this is not the first time he's heard these complaints. He says it's just the way he is. For a while I did not believe that as I had seen a different side of him for a full year. I thought it was me and that he did not care for me as much. So we discussed some more and I gave him a clear opportunity to exit the relationship and he did not want to do it. So I decided to let him have his alone time and take advantage of him not caring if we don't spend time together for 2-3 weeks at a time. So I got a personal trainer. I started doing kickboxing 2x a week in addition to my 5 days of cardio. I bowl in two leagues and have a small baking business in addition to working 55 hours a week. I also hang out with friends at least 2-3x a week. I'm an extremely active and athletic person. I'm so happy that I've been doing all of this. I've grown as a person and have gotten a lot more confident. But I was also hoping that he would be excited to spend time alone with me. He isn't. He says the relationship is not new and he doesn't feel the need to do all of that. Nothing phases him. It's so annoying. I just had to get this out. I have so much more to write, but have to go to a reception.
 
It doesn't seem that much is left. I usually advise people to attempt to save what they have except in cases of abuse. From what you've described I'd say your relationship ended some time ago. You have a lot to offer to an interested partner.
 
he doesn't appreciate you or really want to be a part of your life. What exactly are you getting out of this relationship? He's not paying you any attention. It seems as if both of you have gone your separate ways but neither of you has stepped up and officially ended it. I think you need to free yourself from this, end it. You've already moved on. You just need to cut the cord.

Steven.
 
Seasoned said:
It doesn't seem that much is left. I usually advise people to attempt to save what they have except in cases of abuse. From what you've described I'd say your relationship ended some time ago. You have a lot to offer to an interested partner.
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See this is where I get really confused. I've felt like he stopped caring a while ago and checked out of the relationship. BUT, he still does a lot that indicates he intends to have me in his life. For example, he's already researching and presenting options for our fall 2013 vacation. We normally take 6-10 trips together each year. Most of them are weekend trips, but there are two week long vacations each year. He is so excited about our plans for October 2013. He was also telling me to hold a date for his next family vacation in early 2014. From my previous experiences, when guys were planning to break up they were very careful to never plan anything further than 24 hours in advance, lol. Another example, I am here with him in St. Louis this weekend for a college scholar celebration. He really wanted me to come and share this program that changed his life 18 years ago (he is 36. I am 32, btw).

Even with all this he just loves to be alone and doesn't like to show emotion. I always thought it was me until he told me that he is like this to his parents and friends. And when we were on his family vacation this past June, I got to witness it first hand. His mom was just talking on and on. He decided he had enough and just left while she was still talking to him. I just don't know what to do. I try so hard. I give him TONS of space as described toward the end of my first post. His friends are so protective of him and yet they are always thanking me for being in his life and making him happy. And they always tell me that they know how difficult and stubborn he can be. And it's so hard for me not to tell them that he needs to show it or I'm outta here. But my love for this man runs so deep.
 
Georgiadude said:
he doesn't appreciate you or really want to be a part of your life. What exactly are you getting out of this relationship? He's not paying you any attention. It seems as if both of you have gone your separate ways but neither of you has stepped up and officially ended it. I think you need to free yourself from this, end it. You've already moved on. You just need to cut the cord.

Steven.
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He always says "you should already know that I love you and really care about you. I don't feel the need to keep proving this." but as I said in my response to Seasoned, he does incorporate me in his life, but I feel that it's only when he wants to do it. Things got progressively worse after church a few months ago. The pastor gave 6 series on marriage / relationships. One of the things the pastor said is that people should be who they are; that we should accept are spouses as they are; and that we should have no expectation whatsoever of our spouse. After that, it seems like my partner stopped compromising.
 
I get it. I really do, but you have to think of yourself. What type of relationship commitment do the two of you have? Are you monogamous? We are all affected by childhood and our family of origin, but once we hit our late twenties and beyond those factors only serve as explanations, not excuses. They are interfering with his life and he has the power and ability to do something about it. It can't just be about him and a take it or leave it attitude. If he wants a partner he has to be a partner.

Living arrangements and logistics are up to each couple and you both seem fine with that. What's missing is enthusiasm, caring and tending to each other's needs and wants. It's not an adult partnership if one person dictates all the parameters. Does he know that your dissatisfied? Have a heart to heart and see if he's willing to work on making any changes.

PM me anytime.
 
When it comes to feelings, it's feelings that matter, not words. If you do not feel loved, then you do not feel loved. Maybe he is just really bad at showing it, but the end result is that he does not know how to show affection, or his way of doing it is not compatible with what you need.

And honestly, I'd rather trust your gut than what he says. If you love someone, it doesn't feel like you are forcing yourself to prove it. You do it instinctively, and with pleasure.

When two people have been together for a while, it stops being new, it stops being fresh, and a sort of a mundane daily life is formed. But it is one of comfort and contentment, not one side seeming apathetic, and the other growing frustrated.
 
Seasoned said:
I get it. I really do, but you have to think of yourself. What type of relationship commitment do the two of you have? Are you monogamous? We are all affected by childhood and our family of origin, but once we hit our late twenties and beyond those factors only serve as explanations, not excuses. They are interfering with his life and he has the power and ability to do something about it. It can't just be about him and a take it or leave it attitude. If he wants a partner he has to be a partner.

Living arrangements and logistics are up to each couple and you both seem fine with that. What's missing is enthusiasm, caring and tending to each other's needs and wants. It's not an adult partnership if one person dictates all the parameters. Does he know that your dissatisfied? Have a heart to heart and see if he's willing to work on making any changes.

PM me anytime.
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Thank you for your advice! I really appreciate you taking the time to respond. To answer your questions. We are monogamous and WAS engaged. We had a big discussion back in late February and at that time I point blanked asked him if he still wanted us to get married. His response was "no, not now. I'm scared and not ready." not understanding how you claim that you love someone and are actually making long-term plans to spend your life with that person but not want to get married anymore was really overwhelming. I started to cry and I asked "what did I do. Please tell me." he responded "see there you go again thinking its about you and it's not." and then when I asked if he just wanted to call it quits altogether he insisted no. And I'm still devastated that we are no longer engaged. And I feel like such a fool. I'm thinking of seeing a counselor to sort out all of my feelings.
 
Both of you need to see a counselor TOGETHER. It's more beneficial than just you going by yourself.
 
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