Help With Someone Who Is In Fear

[Spiff]

2. The fact that you respond so sharply to Ganoderma's post (he is btw probably the second mildest and kindest person in this forum after Seasoned), kind of proves my point. This is obviously a sensitive issue for you. Why?

So sharply? He's the one who grilled me like I am on trial. Would you call that respectful? He doesn't appear to be so mild to me. I gave him nearly an hour of my time in response, which is by far more I have given any JustUsBoys member in a single thread. My replies were just not the answers neither you or he were looking for, so you continue to vilify me simply because I choose to live my life differently than you.

 

[Rolyo85]

Sweetheart, you are WAY too keen on making this about you somehow. Trust me, I have absolutely no interest in vilifying you. In fact, I am not thinking about you at all. Meanwhile YOU made this personal when you tried to paint me as projecting my issues to the world. So get off the high horse please.

That you disagree on this subject shows only lack of understanding of human mentality, but I will repeat this is not the topic for the argument. If you insist on putting yourself in the center of some made up story of vilification, PLEASE post a new topic about whether the closet causes psychological damage (which - it's funny you even think there can be an argument about this, but whatever).

 

[borednew]

yes. At least in real life. Not here in this thread at the moment where I have been put on trial with all your questions. No friends, family, or even colleagues would ever grill me like you have.

It depends on the situation. I may just talk to him. But I don't say "hey, we are both gay, let's go do gay things". I talk to him like I would talk to anyone else I might like to get to know better, gay or straight.

No you are not right, at last with all people. Your radical definition of "mental problems" sounds insane. Just because one doesn't directly say they are gay to other people in a social situation does not mean they have mental problems. I will wager that there are just as many openly gay people with some sort of mental disorder as there are closeted ones.

I am done with your questions. This thread is not about me, or an inquisition of me. And I am certain no matter what I say, you're just going to continue to ramble with delusions of grandeur.

Very good answers, Spiff. Many people in here just can't grasp the notion there are homosexual people who choose not to yell their sexual preferences.

And, yeah, they insist this is not about you, yet they continue to pester you with questions and obsess about "proving" their "points".

 

[Telstra]

Get him to come to this forum often and watch lots of gay porn. That is the only way i think.

 

[wikke1]

Exactly.

Not your life. Not your business. Unless they explicitly ask for your help, you should stay out of other peoples' lives. He isn't living his life to please you; get over it. If he wants to stay "inside" of the "closet" for the rest of his life, it'll be his decision and you'll have to respect it. Again, it's not your business.

I can see both sides of "the opinions in this thread".
Being fairly recent "out of the closet", and having had a lot of issues with it, I will put in a few of my personal opnions:

1) yes, everyone comes out when he/she is ready (if ever). it's their personal choice
2) yes, staying in the closet (because you feel guilty/afraid) does cause emotional/mental damage
3) if you are not feeling guilty/afraid, why would you stay in the closet
4) coming out does not equal buying a pink G-string and turning into some stereotypical action figure


5) I only came out, after my sister (worried) kept asking questions, untill I could no longer keep it in
6) Yes, I wish I came out sooner, my life is so much better now
7) As much as I dreaded my sisters questions, I'm now glad she "forced me" (in private) out of the closet
8) therefore, I'm actually gratefull someone didn't "stay out of my life" as you put it
9) Thus, I think you can help someone (especially a family member/friend whom you see is struggling) if you respectfully raise the issue and talk to them about it


I don't understand why some of you guys are soooo hard on (towards) eachother.
It's not black OR white ..., just mho

 

[Rolyo85]

Very good answers, Spiff. Many people in here just can't grasp the notion there are homosexual people who choose not to yell their sexual preferences.

And, yeah, they insist this is not about you, yet they continue to pester you with questions and obsess about "proving" their "points".

I was not aware that being openly gay and not fretting about people knowing is "yelling my sexual preferences". How does anyone hear anything over the din of the billions of straight people yelling theirs at the top of their lungs is beyond me.

 

[Spiff]

And, yeah, they insist this is not about you, yet they continue to pester you with questions and obsess about "proving" their "points".

I know, seriously. Isn't that the damnedest thing?

I appreciate your input and welcome to JustUsBoys.

 

[Rolyo85]

Too bad for your drama queen self-victimizing that I haven't asked you a single question, eh? ^_^ Poor "grilled" guy, under such heavy scrutiny. Please, don't let any here stay in the way of your being "discreet"

 

[borednew]

I was not aware that being openly gay and not fretting about people knowing is "yelling my sexual preferences". How does anyone hear anything over the din of the billions of straight people yelling theirs at the top of their lungs is beyond me.

Sigh.

Seems like the person who is keen on making this about him somehow is someone other than Spiff. I was not talking about you. I couldn't care less about how you handle the details of your sexual preferences. The only thing I did is state there are some homosexual people who do not yell their sexual preferences. That's all. Relax. Again, I was not talking about or to you.

 

[borednew]

Too bad for your drama queen self-victimizing that I haven't asked you a single question, eh? ^_^ Poor "grilled" guy, under such heavy scrutiny. Please, don't let any here stay in the way of your being "discreet"

You haven't asked him a single question?

From post #20:

"2. The fact that you respond so sharply to Ganoderma's post (he is btw probably the second mildest and kindest person in this forum after Seasoned), kind of proves my point. This is obviously a sensitive issue for you. Why?"

Yeah, I guess you haven't, right?

 

[elGeniuoso1721]

Meh. I'm not taking anyone's sides. All I'm gonna say is that when it comes to these issues or maybe even all issues in general, we need to look at the individual context AND the greater cultural context. It's important to recognize the issue from all possible angles for the widest possible understanding.

This is an advice thread, try to refrain from arguing. If you want to continue a polite and calm discussion, form a thread somewhere else (which Roylo85 has already suggested, which he always does).

To the OP!! You've gotten some great advice. Hopefully you found it useful.

 

[SayWhat]

I am not sure where to post this, but I suppose it qualifies as "health".

How do you help someone who is gay and who is afraid of showing others they are gay? Such as, admitting in some form or another that you're gay in public? I have a friend who is going through this (no, this isn't the friend=me thing XD) and I'm not sure how to help. I tell him to be happy about who he is, but there's this sort of fear of showing his true self to the world. I know, oftentimes someone just needs time, but I want to not just do nothing.

It just disappoints me that people have to be scared of showing who they are or be ashamed of what they are. v.v I can just feel his shame, which sucks.

I honestly didn't read ALL the responses, so forgive me if this has been stated already.

I think coming out and showing affection in public are two VERY different things. I'm out to the people in my life, but I still get uncomfortable with PDA's. And there are plenty of people in straight relationships that are equally uncomfortable with PDA's.

It may not be a deficiency that he needs to work on, but an aspect of his personality that's just part of who he is.

 

[Rolyo85]

You haven't asked him a single question?

From post #20:

"2. The fact that you respond so sharply to Ganoderma's post (he is btw probably the second mildest and kindest person in this forum after Seasoned), kind of proves my point. This is obviously a sensitive issue for you. Why?"

Yeah, I guess you haven't, right?

That's a question about his reaction HERE, not about him. This is a discussion board, so I'm discussing. Good for him that he has his trusty lawyer now.

 

[borednew]

That's a question about his reaction HERE, not about him. This is a discussion board, so I'm discussing. Good for him that he has his trusty lawyer now.

All the same, it IS a question. (And it IS a question about him, but, whatever). And, yeah, I was I defending him, so what?

Anyway, dude, I'm getting tired and the OP left the thread long, long ago, so I won't participate in this "discussion" anymore. Feel free to keep on "discussing" and thinking you are right, I really don't care.

Goodbye.

 

[Ganoderma]

How do you help someone who is gay and who is afraid of showing others they are gay? Such as, admitting in some form or another that you're gay in public? I have a friend who is going through this and I'm not sure how to help. I tell him to be happy about who he is, but there's this sort of fear of showing his true self to the world. I know, oftentimes someone just needs time, but I want to not just do nothing. It just disappoints me that people have to be scared of showing who they are or be ashamed of what they are. v.v I can just feel his shame, which sucks.

Well, the thing is, he is out to me and I can see and he has also told me how it bothers him. So, this is obviously a problem if it is making him feel ashamed of being gay. It's nothing about him wanting to remain in the closet because he isn't ready; it's about him feeling ashamed of himself. I can definitely understand if he isn't willing to be out to every single person or be open about it in okay situations, it's the fact that it is hurting him. That's the bad part.

OK. So I am not interested in the sex life of my straight friends (and I have alot of them who are married or have a girlfriend), and the same is true for them. It is not their business what I am doing with a gay guy when I am with this guy in a private situation.

I am single, I am 56, and I don't hide that I am gay. Does that mean that I am walking around with a t-shirt with on it 'I am gay', or with a cap with on top of it 'I am gay'? No. I also don't tell straightforward to the 100s of people 'aquaintances' that I am gay. I simply don't bother. I don't care, as I assume that most of these people will be aware that I am gay.

I consider myself as an open gay, because I don't hide it, and I don't pretend that I like girls. And I don't feel awkward when I meet one of my open gay friends in any of these situations with loads and loads of other people. We simply don't bother.

Several straight guys of around an age of 25-30 don't have a girlfriend, and don't seem to have much luck in getting a girl. Well, and most of these guys know very well for themself that they face difficulties in making contact with nice girls (eg because they are shy). And you are aware of this.

Hey, and then suddenly you bump into him in the shopping mall, and he is together with a girl (not his sister, a cousin or what ever). Apparently his girlfriend / a girlfriend. Do you think he feels very uncomfortable that he must admit to you that he is straight? No. Maybe he is shy (like always), and maybe he does not know how to handle the situation (like often), but there is no fear that he must show to others that he is straight. You will like it that he has a girlfriend right now, you can see he is happy whilst shopping together with her and likely you also will have some smalltalk with his girlfriend.

And now back to the gay guy of around his age (or younger) = the friend of OP. Same guy, same social background / friends etc. The OP tells us that this friend is 'feeling ashamed of himself' and is 'afraid of showing others that he is gay, such as, admitting in some form or another that he is gay in public'. Obviously, this will also be the case when he will get a boyfriend and will start to walk around with the boyfriend in the shopping mall.

Open gays like me, like Rolyo85 and like many others don't bother at all what will happen is such a situation. We feel totally comfortable with being gay, and thus don't need to look over the shoulder who might see us (eg people from work, school or whatever) when we are walking around in a shopping mall together with the boyfriend.

Closeted gays will face alot of problems when they get a boyfriend. No way they can walk around in such a shopping mall with the boyfriend (etc.) without fear about people they might meet (etc.). No way they can talk completely relaxed with anyone they meet over there.

And this is also the case for more or less closeted gays. People around you will start to think about that 'friend' who is together with you (or visits you often at home, etc.), in particular when its not clear what's the kind of link / relationship you have with this 'friend'.