Help with subtext, plz

[erobert]

There is no subtext. He likes you too but wants to take things slowly. He told you so in his message

You should realize he's probably gay and still in the closet after reading over his text if you already haven't. Just take things slowly. I know you want to jump into a relationship but being clingy or pressing for a relationship is going to eventually drive him away. It might even drive him further into the closet.

Don't bombard him with texts either about why he wants to take things slowly. He might want go into a relationship after he comes out to his parents, if he already isn't. Right now it seems you're starting to casually date each other.

 

[rareboy]

The problem with texting is that it generally is extremely poorly written and tends to make people neurotic.

You're dating.

Enjoy this.

Talk to one another when you are together instead of saving all the stuff for textmessaging.

I agree. He's told you exactly where he stands. No pretext or subtext here at all.

 

[Treborf]

He seemed pretty forthright - he's on the fence about you and doesn't want to commit either way. Take it at face value. There's no need to wring out any more subtext, especially when you two have already had a weirdly verbose text exchange on the subject.

 

[G-Lexington]

Why are you asking us to read these tea leaves for you? He's your boyfriend. Go ask him already. Preferably with your voice rather than your phone.

Lex

 

[josher]

You are commiting a grave relationship sin. You are overthinking this much too much. If you keep it up you'll destroy any chance of a relationship with him. Do not deconstruct everything he says. Take it at face value.

Meet up with him. Chat. Get to know each other better. Let things evolve naturally.

To be honest, he sounds like a sensible, caring guy, but you come off as a bit obsessed and paranoid.

 

[creatus]

I decided to bold other parts:

I text: [his name], I really like you. I think you're handsome and your intellect impresses me. I'm also feeling very insecure about this whole asking you out business. If I'm barking up the wrong tree, now would be a good time to say so- no hard feelings.

The guy I like texts: I will admit that I currently want to work on a friendship before I go gallivanting off into a relationship, if that makes sense. While the majority of my life is spontaneous, that aspect of it is not.

Me: But, I still want to know if Ive totally got the wrong idea. Not because I don't want us to be friends, but because I cant tell what you think of me at all.

Him: I think you are very intelligent and even more interesting. There honestly hadn't been enough time for me to develop a crush, if you will. I prefer to take things slowly.

Me: As perhaps you can tell, I cant say the same thing about not having a crush. Id rather hear "I dont feel the same way" than have my feelings spared.

Him: Yes but to say it in such a manner is to invoke that it won't happen which is a sad pronouncement. I barely know you and would like very much to change that.
and later...
Him: I never said I didn't like you. I just said I want to get to know you more.

He said he was interested in getting to know you. Slowly.

I will agree with rareboy - no subtext here and talk to one another in person.

I have read an advice in a similar situation to throw away your nasty textmachine before you destroy with it everything you can. That was probably the best advice on these forums ever.

 

[thisisinteresting]

You are commiting a grave relationship sin. You are overthinking this much too much. If you keep it up you'll destroy any chance of a relationship with him. Do not deconstruct everything he says. Take it at face value.

Meet up with him. Chat. Get to know each other better. Let things evolve naturally.

To be honest, he sounds like a sensible, caring guy,

This this this. It's easy to read way too much into a message on your phone. There's no tone of voice. There's no body language. Try to catch yourself doing this and stop. You're really creating this nonexistant subtext. You're probably panicked that a cute guy likes you and you're trying to create reasons to make it fail because you half-expect it to. Let me tell you now that this train of thought and overanalysis WILL cause it to fail if you keep it up. Try your best to stop.

In a relationship sense, you do barely know each other! You just ate together for the first time. Perhaps you're new to dating (which is fine!) but that qualifies as not really knowing someone that well. I've been with a guy for 3 years and honestly I still don't know THAT much about him.

Reread the first reply without dismissing it.

 

[bankside]

He is not feeling a spark, but he is willing to feel a spark if he feels it.

He has an open mind, but that is it. You don't get the privilege of a quick acceptance, or a quick brush-off.

Now it is time for you to step back. How would you like to spend time with him? What would you like to know about him? What would you like him to know about you?

You might be wrong about the potential you both have as a couple. But you might be right. He's willing to perhaps explore that with you as long as you realize that both outcomes are possible. Otherwise I don't think he would be comfortable.

And, that being said, I don't think he was deceiving you and you can take him almost 100% literally. He doesn't feel that way about you so far, but that door is not closed. Your job is not to try to push him through that door, but, if you still want to, invite him through it.

If he chooses to get closer to you, believe him. If he chooses not to, believe him.

 

[rareboy]

Yeah.

Facebook him with a note emphasizing your fragile mental health.

That will make him appreciate having dodged this bullet.

Your approach can only make him appreciate that he took his time getting to know you better before committing more fully to a friendship.

Frankly, I think the problem is larger than your potential relationship with this guy.

I think you may need to re-examine how you interact with guys generally.

I demand a snap judgment, dammit!

If he can't judge me in a timely manner, the whole business is too stressful for me.

You need to work on developing more mature skills in developing relationships.

I am one of those who would recommend that you stop texting your life away. You're probably destroying many opportunities for friendship by using it as an interrogation device. They have waterboarding for that and I tend to think it is more humane than texting.

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>And if that's what he's trying to say to me, I want to be prepared so that I can act nonchalant instead of revealing any hurt.

I don't understand why people put such a high price on their pride.

>>>I believe I will send him a facebook note emphasizing my fragile mental health, and that should be the end of that.

...well, never mind, then.

Look, why are you insisting on playing games here? There's no power ploy if you're not playing along. If you just say "Hey, I sort of thought things were moving along. Apparently, you're not sure they are now. So how would you like to proceed? Did you want to hang out as friends for awhile? Would you rather just call the whole thing off?"

Lex

 

[StlKj]

Yeah.

Facebook him with a note emphasizing your fragile mental health.

That will make him appreciate having dodged this bullet.

Your approach can only make him appreciate that he took his time getting to know you better before committing more fully to a friendship.

Frankly, I think the problem is larger than your potential relationship with this guy.

I think you may need to re-examine how you interact with guys generally.




You need to work on developing more mature skills in developing relationships.

I am one of those who would recommend that you stop texting your life away. You're probably destroying many opportunities for friendship by using it as an interrogation device. They have waterboarding for that and I tend to think it is more humane than texting.

^^^This is perfection.

Your first post revealing your texts told me everything I need to know about you. You completely let your insecurities get in your way. Hell, you don't even ask him if he likes you in your texts--you build in your defeat. Men might like someone who is somewhat shy, but they smell trouble when someone's anxieties come out as readily as yours. You need too much reassurance, and you're too willing to cut someone loose if they don't like you on your schedule and your preconceived notion of how much is enough.

You're going to be alone for a very long time if you don't get this under control, and you're possibly pushing away a really great guy.

 

[G-Lexington]

Are we on to the "I'm unworthy of love because I'm such a bad person" section now?

If you really and truly believe you're a "pretty bad guy", then you should put aside any thought of relationships for the time being, and work on fixing yourself (with as much outside help as necessary) so you no longer feel this way about yourself. Then you can get back to it.

Lex

 

[rareboy]

Being a pretty bad guy, pushing away a great guy is a moral obligation.

I believe I'll go check myself in now.

Drama much????

Time to give some serious thought to how you want to live your life as an adult.

If you really have serious problems with your self-esteem and mental health, then you really should take this time to invest serious effort into learning how to live the fullest and happiest life possible.

If you are just acting out as a neurotic and hysterical teenager to see how far you can push people before they say 'enough', then you need to stand in front of a mirror, slap yourself and tell yourself to snap out of it.

While you may think that life is easier if failure is the expected result for everything you do, it isn't. It is just emotional and intellectual laziness. And it is a terrible trap to fall into.

 

[rareboy]

P.S. You're better than you are allowing yourself to be.

 

[Georgiadude]

You are commiting a grave relationship sin. You are overthinking this much too much. If you keep it up you'll destroy any chance of a relationship with him. Do not deconstruct everything he says. Take it at face value.

Meet up with him. Chat. Get to know each other better. Let things evolve naturally.

To be honest, he sounds like a sensible, caring guy, but you come off as a bit obsessed and paranoid.

Couldn't have said it better.


He sounds like a great catch and your pushing him away. He clearly said he's interested and that he would like to spend some time getting to know you. You've only gone to dinner one time and your acting like you need a ring on your finger already. My God man. Your setting yourself up for failure. Your sabotaging any chance of having a relationship with him. Why? Your coming off as an insecure, immature little boy rather than an adult. Keep acting like this and you have a long, lonely life ahead of yourself. Nobody is going to put up with your b.s. I certainly wouldn't. Put your big boy pants on and go on a couple of dates. Make him feel special. Relationships need time to develop and take some work. The immediate gratification your looking for isn't going to happen. Welcome to being an adult.

Steven.

 

[yourally]

WOW WOW WOW.

The fact that you said you're going to tell him about your "fragile mental health", you shouldn't be offended by anything I'm going to say.

In comparison to the descriptions of most of the guys people on here want to get with, your guy sounds AMAZING, MATURE and like a GREAT CATCH.

I'm a very nice person, but after that conversation, I'd have written you off as insecure and someone who needs to be complimented to keep their self-esteem up.

You were basically asking him if he liked you. He said he hardly knows you and wants to get to know you better. Hello? Get to know him better.

I love how you're not in a relationship and it's already "over" for you. Stop being so dramatic and appreciate how lucky you are that he didnt cut you off after that conversation. And if you're so worried about intepreting what he says-CALL HIM. Does your phone not have that feature? You can interpret how he sounds much better.

Either way, if you yourself say you need an instant decision-you need to get it together. Do you want a boyfriend that badly that you want someone who you HARDLY know to become your boyfriend?

For all you know he could be a serial killer...yeah, I'm being extreme, but there are some pretty messed up people in this world and that's why you DATE, so you get to know the person before getting into a serious relationship and find out if you like their personality, etc.

Good luck. You will need it if you beg guys to tell you that they like you immediately-that's not cute at all. Sorry, but you needed to hear the truth.

 

[thisisinteresting]

If you really and truly believe you're a "pretty bad guy", then you should put aside any thought of relationships for the time being, and work on fixing yourself (with as much outside help as necessary) so you no longer feel this way about yourself. Then you can get back to it.

Sound advice, and there's nothing wrong with that. Everyone has periods of their life where they should focus on self-improvement.

 

[bankside]

I'd rather a quick acceptance or quick brush-off. I demand a snap judgment, dammit!

Okay I totally thought this was tongue in cheek and I got a good laugh.

But if that is your serious strategy, normal life or not, you can probably guess what I think of if by the fact that I didn't even realise you were being serious.

Please don't do that to yourself, or the people in your dating pool. Let them get to know you and like you, or let them get to know you and dislike you, but let them get to know you.

 

[rareboy]

Whaaatever. No self-improvement in my future, and no working relationship either.

Loneliness, hypersensitivity, and mental unwellness don't mean I can't have a life. They just mean I can't have a *normal* life.

Obviously it is your choice.

But there are a lot of people who have been dealt an even worse hand than you and have put effort into living the happiest and most fulfilling life possible.

If you have a therapist, share this stuff with them. If you don't have a therapist, then it is time to get one that you can work through this stuff with.

Just accepting that you have personality and mental health issues without participating in your own recovery is accepting a throw-away life. there is nothing wrong with you that you can't help to fix. But first you have to want to be a partner in creating a better future for yourself.

 

[bankside]

It was tongue-in-cheek, but I have a way of saying ironic things that I'm not sure if I mean.

Good good, that's better.

Sometimes I say things I want to do instead of the things I will do. Carry on....