Helping a questioning person

[Wcw10891]

This will be kind of long, most is backstory, the last 2 paragraphs are what im posting this for.

i really wasnt sure where to post this, so maybe a moderator can move this if they dont feel it goes here.

So i have a good friend whose straight and i have a crush on him but thats not relevant to the story, we visted a friend at college and we were drinking, and then he revealed to everyone that he hooked up with a guy, well my eyes were like saucers because my friend didnt even mention anything to me about wanting to hook up with guys, and hello im gay why wouldnt he ask me? for clarity purposes my friends name is Mike

So Mike says that one of his friends texted him, asking if they could blow him. now Mike, curious about this friend, we will call him John Doe, decides to go over to his apartment, and talk to him about it, because Mike said it came out of no where. So Mike confronts John Doe about it, and John Doe kind of nervously laughs, and anyway things happen.

Mike said the blowjob was horrible to the point where he actually had some bruises on his dick and John Doe used too much teeth, i then explained to him that it was because John Doe had no idea what the hell he was doing. and then what he said next really shocked me. John Doe basically bent over and wanted to try anal!

Mike, was hesitant but the guy was desperate he said, saying please over and over, so no lube, no condom, my friend tried to do the right thing (I guess?) and spit on his hole, but im sitting there like that wont work, and then he got the tip in, John Doe yelled, and it stopped, my friend soon left afterward.

So the point of this whole post is this. Mike wont tell me who the guy is, John Doe. he says that i know him and stuff and that we graduated high school with him, and while i wanted to kind of get the dirt on everything, after thinking about it, i was actually felt sad for John Doe. Here you have this guy who is obviously questioning, and probably pushed his feelings away for so long, that he got Mike who is pretty respectable, and would keep a secret, to try to test things out with him, and the fact that he just gave his ass up like that, worried me.

He probably didnt clean properly, he didnt have lube, was about to have anal sex for this first time without a condom, this guy obviously is very new at this, and i can only sit here and think that if no one talks to this guy, hes gonna end up on craigslist or adam 4 adam and just reply to the first ad, or get tricked by people, because he would just want to be with a guy so badly he wouldnt be thinking clearly. Ive heard the stories of ppl on sites like that being lured some where and they get beaten or killed and its horrible.

So i feel stuck now, i really want to help this guy not even to know who he is, just to help him, to educate him at least, but Mike wont give up his name or anything. So what do you think i should do? Just let it go and let the guy fend for himself? Or try to find another way around this? Or is it not my place? any help on this would be appreciated.

Sorry for the novel.

 

[eastofeden]

Tread carefully...no good deed goes unpunished. Seriously....unsolicited advice...even when you know you are trying to help someone...is rarely appreciated. If you fully understand he may shoot the messenger and ignore the message then go for it...it is much easier when you understand the potential consequences beforehand.

 

[Seasoned]

The guy has all the information that's available to the rest of us and he's not asking for advice. I'm wondering what's up with your friend that he would try unprotected anal and not stop a painful bj. As far as not hitting up up, most people have boundaries with friends and not everyone is attracted to everyone else.

 

[Wcw10891]

seasoned - yea as for my friend Mike, he is an enigma i dont know why he really went there and he just says that "He asked me as a friend, and i wanted to help him" i think Mike also might have wanted to experiment, but he said it wasnt for him, and he couldnt get hard. lol whatever, and you are right he does have access to the same info everyone else does if he chooses not to research thats on him.

eden - yea i understand, if i somehow got his number he could just play everything off like im crazy,

 

[Seasoned]

From my own experience and from family and friends there's just one conclusion. There are times our sex drive can take us to strange and dangerous places. Life is a great ride.

 

[Durango95]

Ok Here's my take. Firstly, I think the "friend" that texted him about said tryst is probably a "straight" friend of Mike, hence the closed lip situation. Mike probably went out of curiosity more than anything just to see what was what. He may have thought it was a joke. Straight guys, especially frat guys, do really stupid stuff and 99% of it is sexual in nature and most of that has a gay slant. Go figure.

One thing I didn't get quite clear. You said you were drinking with a friend. Did Mike make this declaration in front of a group or just you? I think that needs to be addressed. Does Mike know you are gay? I mean have you told him. I know that isn't specifically germane to the immediate topic but it could have some bearing.

I agree that your unsolicited advise is going to be perceived in some way other than your intent. You may have to examine your intent. I mean there are guys that do very dangerous stupid things. I was one years ago. I wouldn't have welcomed advise from someone I didn't really know. In fact, I was doing my own deal and wouldn't have welcomed advise period.

Just because you want to be a responsible person and do things a certain way that doesn't mean everyone is like you. We still have a few freedoms left in this country.

You may also want to consider the concept that your feigned concern for this person is actually a ham-handed way of telling Mike your in love with him by showing him what a compassionate caring person you are. I mean it is pretty clear you were very unhappy about this situation.

 

[Wcw10891]

first things, Mike made this declaration in front of the group, and then the next day he wasnt too embarrassed about it. and yes he knows im gay theres never been a question about it lol.

and i have to admit after reading that last few sentences i was totally in "Bitch please" mode, but its funny cause the more i thought about it, i was kind of annoyed that if Mike was curious why wouldnt he call me, so you do have a point. But Mike already knows how i feel about him, he told one of my hags that he knows that i like him, but hes alright with it.

i do appreciate the feedback, i somehow got this 'gay superhero' needing to save all the questioning and troubled people out there type mentality, but as some of you have said John Doe probably wouldnt want to hear it. I just hope he finds himself and doesnt fall too hard for like drugs to suppress his feelings or just have lots of casual sex, but if thats what he wants to do then thats up to him.

 

[Rolyo85]

Two side points:

1. I hate it when straight guys talk about gay guys crushing on them and are "fine with it". It doesn't show how open minded they are, but rather how much they see a gay guy crushing on them as some weird thing that they're so far above that they can be fine with. If a girl was crushing on him, he wouldn't be making that comment.

2. How much of your desire to help is actually a desire to know the gossip of who that "questioning" guy is?

 

[Durango95]

first things, Mike made this declaration in front of the group, and then the next day he wasnt too embarrassed about it. and yes he knows im gay theres never been a question about it lol.

and i have to admit after reading that last few sentences i was totally in "Bitch please" mode, but its funny cause the more i thought about it, i was kind of annoyed that if Mike was curious why wouldnt he call me, so you do have a point. But Mike already knows how i feel about him, he told one of my hags that he knows that i like him, but hes alright with it.

i do appreciate the feedback, i somehow got this 'gay superhero' needing to save all the questioning and troubled people out there type mentality, but as some of you have said John Doe probably wouldnt want to hear it. I just hope he finds himself and doesnt fall too hard for like drugs to suppress his feelings or just have lots of casual sex, but if thats what he wants to do then thats up to him.

Ok so now to the real issue which is Mike. If he is indeed straight and just wants to take a walk on the wild side, he may value your friendship too much for it to be you he experiences this with. Sex complicates everything. It would especially complicate that type friendship. My best friend is straight. We have never done anything. Not that I haven't thought about it but he is straight and married.

I pursued straight guys relentlessly for years . I made a lot of enemies and ruined a lot of friendships. I did a lot of things of which I am not proud. Being smitten with a straight guy is nothing new in gayland. Even being in love with a straight guy isn't uncommon. It has been my experience you don't get to chose for whom you fall. Sometimes it just sneaks up on you.

Here's a piece of unsolicited advise pursuant to your post. If Mike has told others he knows how you feel about him, then you should talk to him directly about it. It won't be fun or easy but it sort of needs to be done now. I can attest to the difficulty first hand. In light of the recent transactions, you need to say something to him. If I may ask, how did he find out about your feelings? Is there something else possibly?

I cannot tell you of the outcome. Once I did it with a straight friend. He told me he didn't feel the same way but was flattered and we became close friends. Another time I did it and the guy freaked out. He trashed me to every mutual friend so much that I eventually had to move to another city.

 

[Wcw10891]

rolyo - i do understand about being 'fine with it' can be slightly offending, but hey if hes alright with it, and our friendship hasnt changed since middle school, ill just let it pass. and also yes in the beginning i wanted to know more of who the guy was, and then after thinking about it and what hes going through i did genuinely wanted to help him, and his identity became irrelevent, i was willing to just text him, and help him out, not even knowing his identity, but like mostly everyone said, someone who is deep in the closet and questioning, wont just accepted help like that.

durango - even though i may like mike alot, i would never openly try to get into bed with him, its just a fantasy that will always live in my head, and when he told my hag that he knew i liked him, i think he just picked up on my harmless flirting and overly sexual language, and thats how he figured it out i guess, but once my friend told me that he noticed it, i toned it down a bit.

things between me and him are fine, i know nothing will happen, and even if he said he was gay i wouldnt jump into a relationship with him, because i dont think hes good relationship material.

 

[MindBlast]

Uh, why don't you just tell Mike to tell the other guy that it's really dangerous having unprotected anal sex? Oh wait, nevermind, Mike also chose to have unprotected sex. Whether he could get hard or not, that's a bad idea. I find a lot of straight guys think that condoms are for pregnancy prevention only, and I've had to educate some of my straight friends that they're putting themselves at risk for more than just a surprise baby.

 

[Durango95]

rolyo - i do understand about being 'fine with it' can be slightly offending, but hey if hes alright with it, and our friendship hasnt changed since middle school, ill just let it pass. and also yes in the beginning i wanted to know more of who the guy was, and then after thinking about it and what hes going through i did genuinely wanted to help him, and his identity became irrelevent, i was willing to just text him, and help him out, not even knowing his identity, but like mostly everyone said, someone who is deep in the closet and questioning, wont just accepted help like that.

durango - even though i may like mike alot, i would never openly try to get into bed with him, its just a fantasy that will always live in my head, and when he told my hag that he knew i liked him, i think he just picked up on my harmless flirting and overly sexual language, and thats how he figured it out i guess, but once my friend told me that he noticed it, i toned it down a bit.

things between me and him are fine, i know nothing will happen, and even if he said he was gay i wouldnt jump into a relationship with him, because i dont think hes good relationship material.

Well if he just figured it out and nothing was said then you are right to let it slide.

I can tell you very directly and as one that wouldn't want anyone else to experience some of the things I have, the gay guy/straight guy thing doesn't exist. Man, I tried to make it work for a very long time.

I finally came to the realization that just like I didn't want a relationship with a woman and avoided some particular women like the plague, straight guys probably felt the same way. I have to tell you. It was devastating at first. My buddy had tried to tell me for years it was a fool's logic to think it would work.

You're in a better place than was I at your age. There is nothing wrong with a fantasy or two. I still have dreams about a guy in histology lab some 33 years ago. He had the most beautiful blue eyes I've ever seen. I have no idea what he looks like now. In my head he will always be that 20 year old, 6 foot something, blonde headed, blue eyed god that used to wear just a little too much grey flannel that sat at the scope next to me in lab 2B.