ChrisGibson
JUB Addict
Dan Rawlinson was not a stupid person. He knew it because once, Kruinh had looked at him after some event and said, “You are not a stupid man, Daniel.”
It had been a reproof because Dan felt it easy to be happy go lucky and joyful. He found it easy to not be serious and not be taken seriously. This worked superficially in music, though in life his best friend Myron had reminded him, “If we want this to work. Even a little, we’ve got to be serious.”
Dan did not like the serious side of himself. It was heavy. All the grim things belonged to that Daniel. It was, in a way, something Dan didn’t feel worthy of. When Kruinh had looked at him and said, “You are not a stupid man,” Dan had felt embarrassed, seen through. Dan was aware of what he had always been, good looking, well received, likeably, not a wavemaker. Not serious.
His first time at Visastruta, he had recently been made a drinker, and was away from the world he knew and the people he was hiding the truth from. Dan Rawlinson was the son of Lucy Wheeler and Amir Rawlinson, but as the telltale name Amir suggested, his father was the product of a very white Sam Rawlinson and a very Lebanese Abila Haidar. She was, in fact, as Lebanese as Mahmoud Wallouwa, who had fled Beirut with a French wife, and under much reduced circumstances come to America where, for the sake of convenience, he allowed Wallouwa to be Wheeler and then had four children, one of them being Dan Rawlinson’s mother.
His brother, and one of his cousins excitedly sent him Lebanese dancing and music they’d seen on YouTube, and Dan excitedly watched these things. Nowadays he posted on social media about his pride in social diversity and his own Lebanesse heritage, and when left on his own, he would get quiet in his room and take out the hookah another cousin had sent him. He would play Umm Kulthum—Egyptian, but beloved by his grandparents, and rejoice in singing the words low to himself, mastering the particular guttural inflections of Arabic.
as'al rouhak as'al qalbak
qabl ma tes'al eih gheerni
ana gheerni azaabi fi hobak
baad ma kaan amli masabarni
ghadrak beyyi
athar feyyi
watgheerat showya showya
atgheerat wa mosh bi eedee
wabdeet atwa haneeni ileik
wa akra daafi wa sabri aleik
wa akhtarak abaad
warfat aanad
But he knew what they were doing even while they did it. Dan remembered being a Freshmen at Saint Ignatius, and hearing someone called Tony Shammi a towelhead. Tony had wooly brown hair, tanned skin. His family was Palestinian, He was obviously Arab. Dan had cringed and looked at himself, his straight hair, his ivory skin, had realized for the first time that he’d always wanted people to think he was white. He would have said it in a different way. He would have said he wanted people to think he was “just like them” but that wasn’t it. The moment he cringed when they called Tony a camel jockey and a towelhead, and he just kept walking and said nothing was the moment that Dan understood himself very well, and he needed to stop understanding himself. So he gave up on reflection.
The Arabic pronunciations he was proud of getting right, that he sometimes corrected Myron on when he tried to sing along, had embarrassed him in his childhood. Now he was embarrassed of his embarrassment. Looking too closely just made him squirm in his goodlooking skin. Everything about him he had been proud of for the wrong reasons. No one had ever said how good it was that his skin was so white, or his chocolate colored hair so straight, that he took after the white side and the light Lebanese side. No one had to. And of course, they were Catholics, most Lebanese people were some form of Christian. The Rawlinsons weren’t like those Muslims. They were American.
Of course, these days things were just the opposite. He found himself trying to prove how Lebanese he was, what an Arab he was, how much he knew, how much he wasn’t just a white guy. How he had culture. He wondered if Black people or anyone else who wore their ethnicity on their face had this confusion. He’d never say that was an easy way. It wasn’t. There was a reason his family had wanted to hide, a reason he had hidden, but this not knowing what you were, this feeling you were being called out even if you weren’t wasn’t easy either.
It had been a reproof because Dan felt it easy to be happy go lucky and joyful. He found it easy to not be serious and not be taken seriously. This worked superficially in music, though in life his best friend Myron had reminded him, “If we want this to work. Even a little, we’ve got to be serious.”
Dan did not like the serious side of himself. It was heavy. All the grim things belonged to that Daniel. It was, in a way, something Dan didn’t feel worthy of. When Kruinh had looked at him and said, “You are not a stupid man,” Dan had felt embarrassed, seen through. Dan was aware of what he had always been, good looking, well received, likeably, not a wavemaker. Not serious.
His first time at Visastruta, he had recently been made a drinker, and was away from the world he knew and the people he was hiding the truth from. Dan Rawlinson was the son of Lucy Wheeler and Amir Rawlinson, but as the telltale name Amir suggested, his father was the product of a very white Sam Rawlinson and a very Lebanese Abila Haidar. She was, in fact, as Lebanese as Mahmoud Wallouwa, who had fled Beirut with a French wife, and under much reduced circumstances come to America where, for the sake of convenience, he allowed Wallouwa to be Wheeler and then had four children, one of them being Dan Rawlinson’s mother.
His brother, and one of his cousins excitedly sent him Lebanese dancing and music they’d seen on YouTube, and Dan excitedly watched these things. Nowadays he posted on social media about his pride in social diversity and his own Lebanesse heritage, and when left on his own, he would get quiet in his room and take out the hookah another cousin had sent him. He would play Umm Kulthum—Egyptian, but beloved by his grandparents, and rejoice in singing the words low to himself, mastering the particular guttural inflections of Arabic.
as'al rouhak as'al qalbak
qabl ma tes'al eih gheerni
ana gheerni azaabi fi hobak
baad ma kaan amli masabarni
ghadrak beyyi
athar feyyi
watgheerat showya showya
atgheerat wa mosh bi eedee
wabdeet atwa haneeni ileik
wa akra daafi wa sabri aleik
wa akhtarak abaad
warfat aanad
But he knew what they were doing even while they did it. Dan remembered being a Freshmen at Saint Ignatius, and hearing someone called Tony Shammi a towelhead. Tony had wooly brown hair, tanned skin. His family was Palestinian, He was obviously Arab. Dan had cringed and looked at himself, his straight hair, his ivory skin, had realized for the first time that he’d always wanted people to think he was white. He would have said it in a different way. He would have said he wanted people to think he was “just like them” but that wasn’t it. The moment he cringed when they called Tony a camel jockey and a towelhead, and he just kept walking and said nothing was the moment that Dan understood himself very well, and he needed to stop understanding himself. So he gave up on reflection.
The Arabic pronunciations he was proud of getting right, that he sometimes corrected Myron on when he tried to sing along, had embarrassed him in his childhood. Now he was embarrassed of his embarrassment. Looking too closely just made him squirm in his goodlooking skin. Everything about him he had been proud of for the wrong reasons. No one had ever said how good it was that his skin was so white, or his chocolate colored hair so straight, that he took after the white side and the light Lebanese side. No one had to. And of course, they were Catholics, most Lebanese people were some form of Christian. The Rawlinsons weren’t like those Muslims. They were American.
Of course, these days things were just the opposite. He found himself trying to prove how Lebanese he was, what an Arab he was, how much he knew, how much he wasn’t just a white guy. How he had culture. He wondered if Black people or anyone else who wore their ethnicity on their face had this confusion. He’d never say that was an easy way. It wasn’t. There was a reason his family had wanted to hide, a reason he had hidden, but this not knowing what you were, this feeling you were being called out even if you weren’t wasn’t easy either.

















