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He's happy... Im not

J

Jacob89

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The title is referring to several different aspects of our relationship. First I should start off by saying that my partner is in his early 40s and has 20+ years on me. I do believe that is one of the many reasons we are experiencing problems. We have been together for over a year, but I feel as though he sees me as inferior, unworthy, or beneath him. He does not treat me badly on a regular basis, but when he gets in a mood there is a certain side of him that shows, his dark side, in a way. He becomes very hostile and hard to be around, almost like a different person. Those moods are becoming more frequent and it is really starting to wear on me. I have tried to approach him about this before but it just made things worse.

Besides the bad temper and mood swings there is the issue of sexual interest. I do a lot to maintain my appearance to remain sexy for him. Few of those efforts are noticed and none of them are reciprocated. And its not like I'm asking for a lot... I have flat out said before (in a nice, humorous fashion), "You sure do have a lot of hair down there, a shave now and then would do you some good." I guess that was just too much to ask for ](*,). Then when we are actually having sex there is NO passion, NO romance, NO spontaneity, and NO variety. If we are having sex I am getting fucked, end of story. I desperately want something more in our love life but it is NOT going to happen, trust me, I've tried and tried. It has really started to turn me off of sex. Every time he gets in the mood I just think, "Ya know, I really don't want anything in my ass right now..." But it is the only time we really spend together when he is not phased out behind his computer or pissed off at the world during one of his mood swings.

Any help you can offer is appreciated, thanks.
 
To be honest, I really don't think he's happy with his life and probably will never be.-There is nothing you can do about this. I'm not really sure what your entirely still attached to with this guy- It might just be the idea of having someone, or the idea of a relationship, or their might be some physical attraction, or maybe just because it's all you have known for quite some time, so making the leap is hard? But I think you'd be better off finding someone that treats you well and as an equal, someone whom respects you, someone who is concerned about you and how you feel.
I'd take the other guys advice- Find a way to remove yourself from this situation- Even if it's moving in with a friend for awhile just until you can get on your feet, or going home for awhile.
& Their is no justification at all- None what so ever, for taking out his own anger, hostile-ness on anyone. Stress happens, if he needs to cool down- He should remove himself from the situation, and let you know that he just needs time alone to get over whatever he's going through. Don't let him give you reasons or make it seem acceptable at all because it's not. Never take abuse from anyone, you owe it to yourself not to.

Honestly, I think you are finally starting to realize that you do deserve better, that you deserve a relationship with someone willing to give you what a relationship should be. Go after it, find happiness. I think you'll be much happier once you move on from this relationship. You seem like a great guy. Don't let this guy bring you down.
 
It's time to move on, life is to short to have this crap to deal with on a daily bases. You need to live your life and take care of #1 first-you. you may want to explore more and have some fun b4 you start to settle down.

It's time to be single again and he needs to figure out what bugging him
 
Run fast, run far...... You have allowed yourself to get in a situation that you are not happy and the person you are with seems selfish and disconnected. You deserve better!
 
Jacob, This is a killer- line: "when we are actually having sex there is NO passion, NO romance, NO spontaneity, and NO variety" The "dark side" hostile thing of him is also worrying, and it's lowering more and more your position in the relationship.

He probably has done everything you need to live too. He's been there, done that. But if he's got the joy of a 20 year old lover, he can be old and wise and smart enough to find out his partner deserves a bit of action, attention, emotion, respect and courtesy.

Whenever you are tempted to think it might be your fault, then -my boy- it's time to run away.
 
Occasionally, we get someone who comes to the forum who lists several good things about their relationship and says something to the effect of, "But there's something that is really bothering me about this relationship...".

This is nothing like that.

You've left everyone with the question of, "Then why are earth are you wasting your time with this loser?".

And there's probably not going to be any answer to that question that will change the advice you're going to be offered here.

The guy is not worth it. The relationship is not worth it. You're not happy. Nothing is going to change. Don't waste anymore time on any of this. Just walk away and don't look back.
 
Communication! Tell him exactly how you feel about everything in the best way you can, explain to him that things need to change and hammer the message home at every chance you get. If he doesn't listen and continues to do things that displease then tell him that the relationship is coming to an end and ultimate do what is best for you. If you are unhappy and he is unwilling to help change that and do it by yourself and drop the jackass. At the end of the day a relationship is a two way street, if he isn't willing to meet you in the middle on anything then he doesn't love or respect you.
 
If the tables were turned and it was him that was writing this, do you think he would be waiting for the door to hit him in the ass on his way out of the relationship?

From what you have written and stated, you have told him and have talked to him about your feelings in this relationship and what you would like to see changed and you have received the cold shoulder, the wall, the silence, and the continuation of more of the same. Can I ask you a question, how many times do you have to receive the same answer, the same response, and the same behavior before you realize that he has given you his answer? He is using you and doesn't think that you will actually leave.

Make your move now, find a place to live - friends, parents, a new apartment yourself - and then make the reservation with U-Haul and pack yourself up and save your own sanity. You deserve so much more than what you are receiving in this relationship. Why continue to lower yourself and degarde yourself with the behavior that your boyfriend has demonstrated to you?

Please take care of yourself.
 
I don't always agree with Dan Savage.

But in this case I do. And though I usually have a lot to say on this kind of subject, sometimes the answer is short and to the point.
DTMFA
 
This could be considered a general response to all who have taken the time to post here. What I failed to mention in my initial post is that I do in fact love this man. I'm only 22 but who the fuck says love has an age limit. And I know he used to love me. He wasn't the first to say it but when he did I could tell he meant it. We had a lot of good times before things started to slip, and I want that back. The majority of the time he is a great guy and a lot of fun to be around, its just the comparison of what we had to what we have that depresses me. I am strong enough to leave him if I wanted to, but the thought of what we could have had would eat at me for years.

I desperately want to ask him if his recent behavior is my fault but I am afraid the answer will be yes. If it's not something I can change or fix I do not want to accelerate the chain of events leading to our break up. If that is indeed where things are going. I would rather have it last as long as possible, any enjoy the remaining good times together. But at the same time I realize proper communication could save our relationship... I am between a rock and a hard place.
 
Okay. Never mind his recent behaviour. You're certainly not responsible for that. Your future behaviour is the place for you to start.

Be the way you want to be and need to be if you're going to have a lifelong relationship. Let him either leave or make the changes he needs to make in order to keep up. Invite him to spend time with you in a way that you'll enjoy. He'll either join you or watch you walk out the door for the evening.

You don't have to be pissy about it, just in everything you do make it understood that you're going to enjoy yourself and you hope he will enjoy it with you. But you're going to enjoy a nice evening whether he's with you or not.

You don't have to leave him, but you need to be strong enough to take the path you need to take for both of you to have a beautiful fun relationship, and you need to respect his choice if he doesn't follow by your side.
 
Jacob89 said:
This could be considered a general response to all who have taken the time to post here. What I failed to mention in my initial post is that I do in fact love this man. I'm only 22 but who the fuck says love has an age limit. And I know he used to love me. He wasn't the first to say it but when he did I could tell he meant it. We had a lot of good times before things started to slip, and I want that back. The majority of the time he is a great guy and a lot of fun to be around, its just the comparison of what we had to what we have that depresses me. I am strong enough to leave him if I wanted to, but the thought of what we could have had would eat at me for years.

I desperately want to ask him if his recent behavior is my fault but I am afraid the answer will be yes. If it's not something I can change or fix I do not want to accelerate the chain of events leading to our break up. If that is indeed where things are going. I would rather have it last as long as possible, any enjoy the remaining good times together. But at the same time I realize proper communication could save our relationship... I am between a rock and a hard place.
Click to expand...

(emphasis mine)

Sure love has no age limit, but being 22 you may not yet have realized that while love has no age limit. It's also not enough. Well all see and hear growing up all this stuff about undying, selfless love being all you need. But that's bunk. You need love, then you need compatibility, then you need commitment, compromise, and reciprocity. Selfless love makes bad relationships.

Love is a foundation, then you have to build something on it.

If you try and communicate with him, and he won't engage. That's a problem that love can't fix.

Kara is right about the advice you're going to get in here, but I'll go one further, it's also really common for the guys asking for advice, to start defending the guy they were having problems with in the first post as soon as someone suggests leaving. There is a natural reflex to defend your partner, and no one wants to think their relationship failed - but that's not why you're in here. You're in here because something is wrong, and you want to fix it. Focus on that.

Your issues with his behavior seem to be a bit more serious than the "once in a while," kind of manner you later represented them as being. It's your relationship, and your life. It's also your choice what to put up with, and where you draw the line. Those are choices only you are entitled to make.

Are you getting what you need out of this relationship? What are you willing to do without to stay in it? You can't control him, and you can't change him, any kind of change is going to have to be voluntary on his part - so do you think he'll decide to change, can you convince him to? Will he even have that conversation? What are you willing to choose to put up with?

You don't of course have to answer any of that in here, but your solution is somewhere in there.
 
All I can say is, if I were lucky enough to have a beautiful younger man for a partner who was loving and caring like you, you'd better believe I'd treat him like a king. I'd make him feel loved and cherished, like a god.

Is there something going on in this guy's life? His job? Is he having emotional issues? He needs to deal with them, and if he won't, then there's nothing you can do. How well do you really know this guy?

You're so young, and I'd hate for you to waste your years with someone who makes you feel miserable. Respect yourself, and know that you are worthwhile and deserve happiness.

My first boyfriend (I was 20 then) was an asshole to me, said some nasty things to me, and I put up with it because I thought I loved him and that I couldn't do any better. Looking back over ten years later, yes I'm single, but I'm better off without him.
 
Jacob89 said:
If it's not something I can change or fix I do not want to accelerate the chain of events leading to our break up. If that is indeed where things are going. I would rather have it last as long as possible, any enjoy the remaining good times together. But at the same time I realize proper communication could save our relationship...
Click to expand...

There's a lot of advice that could have been offered earlier in this situation but where you are at now is a decision point. You have to decide whether your partner is going to change and whether this situation is going to change.

From your description- and we only have your description to base advice on- it sounds like the relationship is circling the drain.

You have a decision to make- whether you want to make a conditional second stab at this based upon his agreement to get help for his mood swings and to be more attentive to your needs or whether you want to get out now.

Having seen a few of these play out over the years, seldom do people who walk away from situations like this look back and think "I wonder what could have been". Instead, in time, they look back and realize they made the right decision and it was time to move on.
 
Jacob89 said:
This could be considered a general response to all who have taken the time to post here. What I failed to mention in my initial post is that I do in fact love this man. I'm only 22 but who the fuck says love has an age limit. And I know he used to love me. He wasn't the first to say it but when he did I could tell he meant it. We had a lot of good times before things started to slip, and I want that back. The majority of the time he is a great guy and a lot of fun to be around, its just the comparison of what we had to what we have that depresses me. I am strong enough to leave him if I wanted to, but the thought of what we could have had would eat at me for years.

I desperately want to ask him if his recent behavior is my fault but I am afraid the answer will be yes. If it's not something I can change or fix I do not want to accelerate the chain of events leading to our break up. If that is indeed where things are going. I would rather have it last as long as possible, any enjoy the remaining good times together. But at the same time I realize proper communication could save our relationship... I am between a rock and a hard place.
Click to expand...

I think we all do understand that you do truly love him- Although, you need to realize that love is a selfless act that needs to be returned in a relationship (It usually a sign of love when someone could put you before themselves, valuing your feelings and values over their own, listening to what you have to say, etc.). && Honestly, I do think you deserve better then what you are getting. I really hope you can realize that, and go after it.

"I desperately want to ask him if his recent behavior is my fault but I am afraid the answer will be yes."
Then you should move on. If he is delusional enough to actual believe this.

"I would rather have it last as long as possible, any enjoy the remaining good times together"- Are you really happy?


My honest advice let yourself be happy- You don't have to feel trapped. You can be so much happier even if you don't think you can be.
 
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